Senn, I bless the day I found this place and had people like MelodyLane post the truth to me. She and others helped get my head straight.

I shudder to think where I might be today had these people NOT been "hard" on me and made me see the truth.

Denial isn't a river in Egypt, friend.

I've thought about how my life might have turned out had I stayed with my ex-wife, who I term "The Leopard" (you figure out why). And believe me, at first, I wanted to.

From a distance now, I can see exactly what kind of sham The Leopard perpetrated on me. Today I am single -- not even dating -- but I'm in a far better place today than had things gone "my way."

Your call, my friend. But don't kill the messenger(s).

I thought I'd put my two cents in for you senninpa.

First off, I am so sorry you have had this new discovery day and are dissappointed in the marriage being back in crisis mode.

Ten years ago really wasn't that long ago.

I do want to say, with all respect, just for your basis of being open to advice: your experience to save your marriage has been no more intense than most experiences. They are all grueling and some have gone on at least as long.

Anyway. Please stay here on the forum and post and relearn and replan and make your choices with the fresh ideas added to your current understanding of how to survive an affair.

Duh...

(lol)

I am not meaning to be kind as much as to say:

"Stop getting defensive. Be open to hearing advise. There is no avoiding what you will be going through. This is the place to go through it."

Reading, please accept my apology for misunderstanding your meaning. I am changing my post to cover up the evidence..

Senn, you got to get to business, friend, so click ignore on the posters you don't like. I have several on my list.

Trust me, it's pretty much a waste of time to try to straighten out other posters when you are seeking help. Usually the posts that "smart" are the ones that contain some painful nugget of valuable and useful truth for you and will prove to be most helpful, but you don't have to look for that if you don't want to; just click ignore and move on.

senninpa, I can tell you right now that MaritalBliss only has your best interests at heart and I don't see that she was telling you that you're a dumba55. But what I find somewhat strange is that as a MB veteran, you seem to want to dismiss or take blame for your wife's actions when you know that a person's choice to have an affair is all their own.

You say that you've had a really good marriage after seemingly recovering from your wife's previous infidelities. I would imagine being a MB vet that you applied the principles here to your marriage and did your best to meet your wife's emotional needs. Despite your efforts when she had the opportunity to do so she cheated again, this time with a friend of yours. Perhaps you should consider that your wife just likes to cheat, that she has no boundaries around other men, and is likely to reoffend again? I guess you have to first ask yourself do I want to have to continuously monitor my wife for the rest of our marriage, ensuring that she has no time or opportunity around other men to initiate an affair?

I will agree with you though that encouraging contact between your wife and another man (if indeed that is how it happened), and claiming blind trust of a FWW, was in retrospect rather foolish. Sorry if that's harsh but there's no way to sugarcoat it even if I was inclined to. If you do feel that you want to go through this process all over again, you can't put your wife in situations where she would be in close proximity to other men with lots of unaccountable time. It's almost as if you were testing her and she failed the test, as she will again and again.

Don't know if I am supporting you or not, but I do think that you need to look within yourself for the answer to the question "Do I want to have a marriage where I have to constantly monitor everything my wife does?" Is not being able to ever fully trust my wife a dealbreaker?

Only you can answer these questions, we won't tell you if you're right or wrong because it's your life your decision. I feel for you because you have a hard road ahead of you, unfortunately one that you've seen before and never thought you'd see again. If you decide to walk it again, we will walk it with you; if you decide to take another route we'll still be here with you.

Everyone,

I apologize for being defensive, or argumentative. I, as you can imagine, am going through a tough time. I do not know where I want to go from here, but my first instinct is to get a level head before making an emotional decision on what road to go down. There is too much at stake IMO to walk away.

Amarica,
I have been foolish in how I had blind faith. I did encourage a close friendship between W and former friend. I cannot describe to you all how much, or how long I encouraged this, but I played a huge part in where it ended up. Looking back, I was an idiot. That is no different than telling a reformed alcoholic you will pick them up from the bar every night after work. I dared her to drink and and walked away, and she did exactly what a WW would do. This was several years of her not taking the bait and finally when were at a point where our lives went to total chaos, at our weakest point, she fell on her face. Everybody knows that if they have it in them to cross the line once, they could do it again. Is it inexcusable, yes. Am I making excuses for her, I don't know. I was a fool. I did not do this because I was testing her, but, because I truly believed she wouldn't do it again.

I can probably be the poster child for maintaining the principals of MB for the remainder of your life. I lost sight, I stopped going to church, stopped reading the bible, and yet I am completely surprised in the end when I was not saved.

One more note:

I have worked hard all my life to become financially stable, to raise my family and to eventually end up in a house that I want to retire in.
I have finally reached that goal, everything I have worked for, I now have. And within 4 months have the potential of loosing it all, and going back to square one. I don't know if I want to start my life over at nearly 40 years old.

"I am partly to blame for this A, as I saw my former best friend as closer than a brother and appreciated and even encouraged my W to be close to him. I felt safe with both of them. He knew my/our history with this and still did what he did."





You have a WW that has not been able to keep her pants on five times before (five affairs) and you tell this to the OM.





Then you let WW and OM spend tons of UA time.





Then your surprised WW took her pants off for the sixth time (six affairs).


I don't know whether to





or





"I did tell her we are going to do a polygraph, she agreed. I explained that if there is more she had better put it out as I will not except last minute confessions. I fully intend to go through with it."

Wait till the date is set for the poly. The fat lady will sing.

Senninpa, we do get it. I lost thirty pounds in the month after my Dday. Just make sure you eat, sleep, exercise and do the work to get whatever result you decide on.

Oh, I remember the infidelity diet, lost 25 lbs last time, didn't have that much to lose. People thought I was sick, guess I was.

So after a few days, has your head cleared at all?

Do you know what you want to work towards?

I hope I haven't burnt too many vets off. I was a bit angry there for a while, and perhaps took it out a little on you good people. I am sorry for that.

I am starting to make sense of things.

I do not believe a thing WW says, I continue to drill her on what happened. I learned it started in early summer. I am certain now OM was not just here to help all summer, he was chasing my W. I still suspect there is more, but, as is the norm, my WW can't just give me the whole truth, she piecemeal it to me.

I no longer am downplaying her actions. I was looking at it like it was just playing around la-d-da. She had a sexual and emotional Affair with my best friend.

No excuses, I played a huge part in my W's affair this time, and had it not been for my encouragement of their close friendship, I do not believe this would have ever happened again. I encouraged it, there was alcohol involved, and I let them have excessive alone time, while intoxicated, to get even closer to the point of a PA and now I must live with it. If I had kept MB principals and continued to practice them, I wouldn't be in this mess.

Reynolds,
I cannot discard this marriage based on what I know.
What they did was inexcusable, but, what I did and my part in this is not much better, can't divorce myself!
I have lost a best friend, who did everything with me, and if I decide to walk away; I will lose my W, my home, my other home, and be left with nothing but a memory. It would destroy me, and leave me with nothing. I must work on this marriage.

Stop this. You said you've scheduled a poly, right? Make a list of what you want to know and give it to her. Quit with the questions. She is probably lying. Just so you know.

And I know I'm your least favorite poster and you've probably got me on 'ignore' but I'm going to post this anyway, because it's important that you understand this.

When is the poly going to happen?

Bliss,
As I said, I have been a mess. You have given me your time, despite my disagreeing with some of what you have said. I do appreciate it, honestly, thanks. I didn't put you on the list.

Poly will happen. Cannot say when, I know that sounds crazy, but I honestly cannot afford it, we are as strapped as I have ever been. I put all, and I mean all of our savings into a down payment on this house, the other house must sell to regenerate our savings.

I will write a list of questions and she can write the answers, I imagine it would be easier for her to write them than say them.

No harm no foul, senn. Don't beat your WW up for info. Schedule the poly, okay? I'm concerned that she is lying to you.

SEM, your wife is 100% responsible for this affair. Just because you foolishly ALLOWED this to happen does not negate her 100% responsibility for HER OWN poor boundaries around men. She has a huge problem with boundaries, SEM, and until she accepts this and cleans it up, you are not safe with her. She has had FIVE affairs so far and there will be more unless this stops. This is much more than just boundaries, but a belief system that says she is ENTITLED to have affairs. She doesn't believe you will do any thing to stop her.

Will there EVER be a consequence for her cheating? At what # affair will you say enough is enough? You might want to check out Dr Harley's article about the problem with "unconditional love." UC leads to abuse and neglect.

Your part in all this is learning to set appropriate boundaries, too, in that she should NEVER have friends of the opposite sex and she should never be alone with another man. Additionally, since she can't control her drinking, it makes no sense to continue drinking.

A huge part of the solution will be for her to radically change her own behavior. But this affair also needs to be exposed to everyone, including your children. Your children have a right to know what she has done to their family. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable.

I agree there is a slight chance you can save this, SEM, but it will depend entirely on your wife's ability to make a RADICAL change in her own behavior.

Mrs Bliss,
You are absolutely correct, she is lying to me.
I gave her a list of questions, she wrote down one more detail, more oral sex, hmmm.
I handed the paper back, told her again, there will be a poly and I will leave you if you are lying. I told her to write down everything that would fail her on the poly, she went to the basement, I know I will get some, most, or even all of the truth. I will, in the end, know when we do the polygraph.

And don't be swayed by tears and promises, senn. That doesn't work, as you must be realizing 10 years later.