Haha! Waywards shouldnt mess with you!

The sad part is, there are no winners here. 12 people were affected by this fantasy life. Now we all have to suffer from poor judgement and lack of moral character. I truly loved the woman I once had. Now I'm afraid she is gone and may never return. I still pray for her to have peace and I even went so far as to help the OMW try to reconcile with her WH using the MB approach. In the end, I know I will come out on top. It may be without a wife, but I have God, family, Corps. When I read that list of what waywards say, it helped me realize that no matter what I do, my WW will not be happy. I hate seeing her fall further and further away because I held her so dearly to my heart. Death has come for my marriage, but I will continue to hope and have faith that one day my WW will do a 180. Her lack of boundaries and immaturity may take a very long time to leave her. I have my list ready and will keep it safe just in case. I also have a list of things I cherish in a marriage so I can remind myself what a marriage is supposed to be like.

There are no winners - yet. But you must win GJM, with or without your WW. It will be her job to gather herself up and jump onto the winners float as the parade passes her by. It will be your job to provide one.

If she doesnt - then that is her decision and YES - it is unbearably sad. But it is her choice, as it everyone's, to screw up their own lives if they see fit.

But you will win. You will prevail. I can tell you will because you know how to get the job done. You've done fantastically well.

I am in Plan B so most of the time I dont even think about my WH any more (amazing isnt it?) But at the start I wept for my hardworking, honest, loving eyed man and what he had come to. Now it is easier to let him go to whatever he may come to.

Well I got my kids back today. I'm so happy to have them even though they're running around the house lol. I'm back to being busy and I like it.

Yesterday DS11 had a football game and WW came and sat with me and the kids. There wasn't much conversation. Today she is asking me about Christmas presents for the kids. She doesn't have money and all I have it's what's left of savings that she took half of. Idk if we should spend the day together as a family or just split the day and I buy their presents for them to open over here. If I take the high road I'm asking to be stepped on some more. I also suspect she's going to need money for the kids groceries next week when she has them. I told her I would buy the groceries for me and the kids this week after she offered and also said I'd pick the kids up from school. I don't want her thinking I need her to do anything because I'm perfectly capable. Thoughts?

Alright, I'm gonna put my 2 pennies worth in here just because I wanna. But please, don't listen to ANYTHING I say until the vets are around and confirm or deny what I write.

She may be coming to a tiny realization of what's to come in the event of a divorce. If I'm you, now's the PERFECT time to give her a taste of just that. While it's particularly hurtful for these things to be happening at this time of year, it's also potentially extremely eye opening for the wayward and how her life is going to be radically altered by her adulterous behavior.

If it were me personally, I would seperate everything this year. She can buy her presents for the kids, and you can buy yours. She can have the kids for half of Christmas day, and you can have them for the other half. Acting like a family "unit" on Christmas serves no real purpose when we all know what kind of morally deficient behavior she's engaged in. The way I look at it, it would probably confuse your children even more than they are now. It may even paint the situation as "okay" in their young eyes, minds, and hearts.

As far as groceries go, take care of the kids no matter where they are. But make her ask for it. Don't even think about offering. When she is forced to ask you for money just to feed the kids, it will probably also force her to think (if only in passing maybe) just what she was thinking life would really be like if she divorced. To date, she's been living on "Fantasy Island." Now it's time for an introduction to "The Real World." She needs to be hit with some harsh realities of life being "Unmarried With Children", and now is the perfect time for it.

These are just my thoughts. Let the vets chime in and we both may learn something here. Just know, I'm thinking about you and praying things turn out the way you desire.

Stay strong!

Wes

It depends on your goal. If you are still in Plan A, then you want to take full advantage of this opporunity. You will be her Knight in Shining Armor here. You will swoop in to make her look like Queen Mom for Christmas. You will ease all her worries, and you will dump massive amounts of love.

The key is when is your Plan B? The goal will be to use this opportunity to sweep her off her feel. Then after that is done and she hasn't ended all contact with OM then you go to Plan B.

In Plan B you will state specifically her path back to you 1) NC FOR LIFE WITH OM 2) COMMIT TO A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY.

If you are no longer doing Plan A, then go straight into Plan B, and let her sit by herself this Christmas.

Exactly.
You Plan A until you go to Plan B and then she is on her own.
Are you planning to Plan B? (Men Plan A longer than women but you seem sometimes very, very, very tempted to lovebust which is when going to Plan B will protect you).

I actually feel like I'm in Plan B already. We're not really communicating and the last real conversation we had, I told her that I loved her and was doing what was necessary to save our marriage. I believe that she thinks she can give me signs of hope to get what she wants. I will think about it a while before I make my decision about Christmas. My DS11 thinks I shouldn't help her anymore even with the kids. He's too smart for his own good some times. I will help my children to make sure they are fed no matter what though.

Get your Plan B letter ready. Wait for the vets to advise more, but do prepare for Plan B. Men are different than woman, so I am unsure if you stay longer in Plan A. Have you emailed the radio show?

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

You can get Dr. Harley's POV.

Tough

No I haven't emailed the radio show. I hadn't even thought of it til you mentioned it. What happens?

You are not in Plan B.
Plan B is a planned transition.
You are not in it until you have everything set up to support it.
Intermediary to use for critical financial and child issues. You write a wonderful love letter which is your wife's road map back to you IF she is ever ready to take it. That is what you give a wayward as you launch Plan B. Not before you launch it. Right as you go.

No 'not really communicating'.
You either are communicating. (Plan A, with zero expectations that WW give you anything good in return)
or
You are not communicating directly, only crucial facts through the intermediary.

As long as you are in contact of any direct kind with WW, you are putting on your best face.

Plan B, she doesn't get a fix of you. You don't get a fix of her.

Look at Plan B this way, it models NO CONTACT for the wayward and OM.

You aren't in Plan B yet, which means you are either in Plan A or Plan C(and worse yet is Plan DOORMAT, but you are most definitely NOT in that plan ATM).

So what is it? Are you gonna stay in plan A until it is time to Plan B?

If you decide to stay in Plan A until you Plan B(which is what I suggest here) then you will want to show her what life would look like if she were to agree to NC with OM for LIFE, and a recovery plan with you. Let this Christmas show her the man you ARE, and the husband you wish to be. Look at it as a way to become who you should have been all along. That is what Plan A is all about.

Your WW is showing signs that reality is starting to creep in. Show her the reality that she could have with you, because when you enter Plan B, she will most definitely think about this time.

Have you read SAA? If not, I think you should.

PLAN A until the moment you Plan B. Next time that your child has a football game, use that opportunity to show the man you hope to be.

Plan A can become very empowering, even though it hurts like heck.

Read this ~~~> LINK to Plan B preparations

Plan B is a well planned and well prepared strategy.

Plan B is not a feeling.

Thanks for clarifying this for me. WW text me this morning to go look for presents for the kids. I asked her how her weekend was and she said it was hard. She misses and the kids. She was about to cry. I started talking about the presents again. In the parking lot I told her that the letters to her family and friends were to save our marriage. She said she knows and that she wants to be friends. I said I don't want to be her friend and that I love her, but we need a commitment of recovery not a friendship. She asked to come over to put the gifts away and we talked about the kids. As she was leaving, she asked for a hug. I told her to enjoy her day and she left. Soooo, I'm not sure if I handled it right, but I was confident, cheery and I listened to what she had to say. She asked me about Christmas, but I said I didn't know yet.

Sounds good.
Now, don't talk about the relationship for a while.

She has heard your position, knows the score.

Be an attractive man (busy doing fun things, smell nice, can handle stress) while you are in Plan A (so if you go to plan b....she will think about you in a good light).

Plan A is about giving her what she 'could' have in recovery, but telling her the whole time that she has to commit if she wants it to continue

Its a bit like your 'selling' her the marriage she could have and you are simply letting her have a free trial.

Plan B is about showing her that she has decided to lose it all. So she gets not even a peek of you until she commits.

I feel like I can stay longer in Plan A. I know with the OM being sent to another base and being banned from mine and having a no contact order put in place, not to mention the investigation he's under, I don't think he's in the picture anymore. He could be facing brig time if convicted, which is the maximum punishment. I don't put anything past anyone, but I highly doubt he would violate the no contact order given the circumstances. He is already losing his wife and his career is pretty much over now.

Okay.

Don't count on OM acting rational. He is not. He 'loves' your wife and has risked everything for her. That is just how the sordid relationship works. Be prepared that it could go that way but do not let it derail your plan A.

Prepare for plan B if you need to get in it.