Wow. I've been talking to MrAnointed about you guys like we hang out together. I am truly very grateful for your contributions on my thread. I've had my eyes opened. Thank you.

I think I would take just this issue and contact the radio show again about it.

Do you think Mr.Anointed would enjoy listening to the radio show? They talk about these lovebusters on a regular basis, and the need to eliminate them.

Is he much of a reader? If not, Lovebusters comes as an audio version.
Correction: I misremembered. It's not Lovebusters that comes as a audio book, but "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" which covers some similar material.

My DH isn't a reader, so I've read most of the books aloud to him. Would that be an option for y'all?

Anointed, here is a radio show segment you might find interesting. It's on the subject of AOs -- basically an overview of the AO chapter in Lovebusters.

I also found that a lot of Dr. Harley's advice on eliminating AOs, and the anger management material I've been exposed to, has helped me eliminate my DJs as well.

Angry Outbursts Radio Segment

I agree with you. I guess I need to call back in to the show. These last few weeks have been packed with activity, so I've not been doing anything productive regarding our marriage.

I opened the link to the radio show, but it was blank...it wouldn't play. Thanks for your encouragement, Prisca.

Okay, so we are no better off than we were on 11/22. I have not read any more, we have not scheduled UA time, and we are currently in withdrawal again.

This week is going to be extremely hectic again, so I don't see it getting better this week. But next week...

As I've typed our situation out in my head, I can see how this whole thing is probably blown out of proportion for me.

Here it is:
Yesterday morning my husband made a teasing comment about how the pockets on the back of my pants are stretching to their limit...I told him I didn't like it when he says things like that, and he said that it is a fear of his and starts to go on and on in a playful way of all the things that could happen to me if I overeat (double chin, etc). I asked him if his speaking out of fear is getting the results he wants? He said it is a fear, nonetheless.

I am not an overweight person. I have fluctuated about 8 lbs up and down for the last 2 years, since having our youngest. I would like to lose that 8 lbs. I get close and then go back to my unhealthy ways. But I'm not even close to overweight.

What he said hurt me. I felt distrusted and ugly. But he knows I struggle with sweets, and if I were to validate him I could have let him know that I understand his fear and could have talked through some things.

Then I was trying to throw together a quick lunch and thought chili would be a good idea since it was cold. I was going to mix chili in a can with beans in a can and serve with chips, cheese, tomatos, and salad. He said with a smirk, "How are you going to make chili?" When I explained he said, "that is not my idea of chili." I said, "Well, what is your idea of chili." Admittedly I was defensive. He said, "The kinds where you open up a recipe and make some."

Okay, again I felt criticized. And again I could have just validated him and talked through it. I was hurt by this.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but he said I started lecturing him instead of telling him how I feel. I did use feeling words but he said I did it after I lectured him, and he kept saying I needed to bring my AO down a few notches. I was surprised by this since I wasn't yelling, but I must have sounded angry. I asked him how he'd like me to do lunch, and he said nevermind because he's not allowed to have an opinion.

I then went into complete withdrawal...got take out...and pretty much stayed to myself the rest of the day. It probably hurt him quite a bit because we had planned SF that afternoon. He had also made a little jab to me yesterday morning about our last SF because he didn't like how it went last time. (It was late, and I wasn't feeling well.) He still got SF but not the way he wanted it.

Finally, I went grocery shopping last night in the cold rain, and came back still upset from the day. We were putting away groceries and he made a comment about the dog bed I bought. "Could you have picked a prettier color?" I just looked at him. He asked, "What? Am I not allowed to say things like that." I then got snarky and said "Well, it's pretty ignorant because you don't know what plans I have to do with it." He had an AO that included cursing and telling me that since I've been in my own F-ing world all day I can just take care of everything else on my own. I said that I was finished with this conversation, and he kept going. I just would say "Ok" after each comment while I was doing things in the kitchen and he said something about me being a smart alec.

We didn't talk last night; he didn't tell me bye this morning. I was so angry all day I'm not sure I needed to try to work it out right then.

It shouldn't take all day for me to get over things, should it?

How do I validate him when his words are cutting me to the core? Do I just wait and talk about it later? I was super angry all day long, and I was cursing him in my mind and saying all sorts of terrible things in my heart. That's not good.

One other thing was that he said I expect the worst out of him. Throughout our marriage I have felt extremely criticized for just about everything I did. I have been walking on eggshells all along and have not felt safe at all. The criticism had all but killed my love for him just a few months ago.

Are the things he said criticism? Why am I so devastated when he says things like this to me? Shouldn't I be grown up enough to accept his point of view? It feels like my world falls in when he does this.

This is a DJ. I don't know what his intentions were in bringing it up. Probably just complaining so I could meet his needs better, but I felt criticized.

I'm thinking this whole thing is just me being overly sensitive. Does it matter that what he is saying hurts me? How do I make it NOT hurt?

You called him ignorant because he asked about the dogbed? "What color would you prefer? I can return it, and we can shop for one together" would be a CARING response to his comment.

He would like homemade chili. Rather than provide this simple thing, you lectured him about something you don't remember. You can certainly choose to make chili on the fly with cans, but if you do so, understand that this is not what he wants. I've had my own rounds with my H who is very particular, and these kinds of things fall under SDs, if he punishes you for not doing things in the particular way he wants them, it's an SD. If he complains that you aren't listening to what he wants, if he had requested something you refuse to give, this is a COMPLAINT, and totally valid.

Your post does sound a lot like you want to be able to do what you want without any lip from him, which translates to not caring about his complaints. Cool your head and read it again later.

Meantime, you can make it not hurt by recognizing complaints as valid, especially about easy things like dog beds and chili. My goodness, your worth is not wrapped up in dog beds and chili, is it? You can talk to him about how he talks to you, too. Ask him to make requests instead of complaining, and you do your best to honor them or explain why you can't.

I think you would score about 1000 points if you spent 15 minutes making a crock of chili and asking him if he likes it, and then LISTENING to his feedback.

or "That sounds good. Do you have a recipe for Chili you like? I would love to make it with you."

I think "The kinds where you open up a recipe and make some." sounds a bit like "Go make me a sandwich."

For the dog bed, you could say "It's not like you to talk that meanly to me. What's really going on?"

This points out, in a nice way, that he is being super snarky.

If says nothing is going on, then you could say "Perhaps next time you could say that you are not so keen on that color, is it possible to return it for another?"

I understand. I get frustrated with him because I have not been a crafty person in the past. I'm learning to do things I've never done before (out of fear), and he has really liked the things I've done recently. I got a plain plastic container to decorate it and make a pillow to put inside it. He just saw the plastic container and made a comment. A negative one. I'm very insecure about decor and crafts. That is on me.

He has been so quick to speak his mind without asking questions. I feel distrusted.

If I were a confident person, I could have done just what you said. But I'm a mess, and I don't know how to not feel insecure.


I didn't have time to do anything that would take longer than a few minutes because it was already late. There is a history with cooking, too. When we first got married I would try to make things from scratch and bring it to work for him, and he hardly ever had anything nice to say. Maybe I just wasn't a good cook, but it really hurt my feelings. I could've gotten better with encouragement. Over the years I just haven't been enthusiastic about cooking because of his negative comments. I want to feel appreciated. I haven't until recently.


I can see that. I don't want that to be the case. His words REALLY hurt me. Does that matter? What do I do? It cuts me really deep. There must be something horribly wrong with me. I really want to be good enough for him, and I worry that I'm just not.


Logically, I agree 1000%. I understand that little things like this shouldn't mean the end of the world, but yet, here I am typing as tears roll down my face. What is wrong with me?? I would really appreciate it if he would make requests instead of complain because it hurts to be criticized.

What about his comment about my weight? And the SF? It just seems to come at me non-stop when he's in the mood to be negative. I need so much encouragement, and he is not very good at it.

I think that's just it. It's the way he says things. I'm worried he's making fun of me or that the joke's on me in some way. I try really hard to please him, and it just never seems to be enough. (DJ)

I don't think you are fully recovered from his affairs. And that's okay, if ten years later you are still so slammed by slights he should not be doing in the first place.

I do think you're a bit sensitive and could be stronger about your needs and what you perceive to be LBs, and then get bigger stronger by demanding an MB led recovery, followed by big-strong-girl follow-through.

Will you do the online or phone program?

Yikes. That's not a pleasant thought.


I couldn't agree more.


We have all the books, and I intend to read them. And my husband is willing to work on things with me. We went to a marriage retreat last month that was really helpful, and he was all in on that. Does the online program cost money?

I'm about to quit my job, and there won't even be enough extra $$ to go to McDonalds once a week.

I want to express my gratitude to this forum. Before I posted I was like a stone. No feeling.

Now that I've gotten it out, I am crying rivers. LOL I'd rather be hurting than feeling nothing, so thank you. Thank you very much.

I have nothing to add, just wanted to drop a quick not to say two things;

Annointed - excellent work in accepting and examining how you can change your behavior, and CWMI is guiding you perfectly.

Bravo to you both.

Anointed,

I may be way off base here, but my wife recently had an affair so I'm especially sensitive to the topic and something that caught my eye was:
So my question is, who has been appreciating you recently? From your posts, it isn't your husband.

You never exposed, you never did an MB plan for rebuilding, Anointed. I went back and read some of your '08 threads.

You probably won't heal until your H is able to stand before your community repentant for his sins. I think you need that from him. God sure does! Keeping sins secret perpetuates sin.

I don't know what the protocol is on such a late exposure. I do think that you are continuing to suffer because of a failed recovery. All the spinning of wheels over LBs and wah-wahs are not going to recover an unrecovered marriage. What did you do to recover? It sounds like a lot of sweeping under, which as you can see, won't work.

Thanks HHH.

This marriage thing is tough!

I understand, nomoreplease. My husband has been much more appreciative when I cook and has made nice comments about the meals I make.

It wasn't always that way, but I'm glad it is that way now.

Thanks for your post, and I hope you are following the MB plan to the letter. I've not read your situation, but please follow the advice given here.

I wish you the very best!

This has been something I have dealt with for a long time. I didn't know about MB when I found out, and I didn't expose. I really, really wish I had. I think it would have done a lot to heal myself as well as my husband.

There are a handful of people who know, but his family never found out. He asked me for forgiveness in front of another couple who was holding us accountable, but it was right after he had been unfaithful with yet another woman. I wasn't ready to forgive him then. My mom, my best friend, a few counselors, and some random people I don't know well who caught me at a bad time...I just spilled over.

He was very upset with that.

Just recently at the marriage retreat I said that I wanted to be open with what we've experienced because God did such a huge work in our marriage. There is no way we could've made it without Him. I want to brag on God about it. I mean, why go through it if you can't help someone else?

He agrees and understands but says he is just not ready. He did say that he'd like to do a marriage ministry with me. Kinda funny to think of right now with all the trouble we have communicating, but I'm willing to be vulnerable and work through our problems while helping others at the same time!

The hard part about exposure has been that some Christian counselors have agreed with my husband that exposing now would not necessarily be beneficial. His family is not a safe place for him, and the counselor wasn't sure it would be helpful.

I just want some acknowledgement for the pain I suffered! I even have a thread on here about it I think. I don't guess I need people to say "oh you poor thing" but I've been through HELL dang it! And I want to say I've survived!

Whew.

I think you are right. I hope my husband will help me.

Recently, he did share our story with some friends of ours going through an A, and it felt so good to hear him talk about it and admit it.