Thanks Prisca.

I'm scheduled to be on the show next Friday. I asked MrAnointed to be on the call with me but he doesn't feel that is very private. I suggested we use different names. He didn't answer. Either way, I'll be on the call.

Have you said this to him? I recommend it. It's a statement that is 100% about you and zero about him. I realize he says things that hurt your feelings, and I don't want to minimize that. But I suggest when talking to him, you make it about YOU: My fear that I'm not good enough for you weighs on me like a ton of bricks. My fear makes me lash out at you. I'm sorry about that. I'm trying to work on my fear so that I don't lash out at you, but I hope you understand that when I lash out, it's my fear talking, and not my true self.

I do not recommend this. "I'm not good enough for you," is a DJ, even if preceded by "I feel that ..."

Anointed, I recommend that you do not engage in any relationship talk at all until you have spoken to Dr. Harley on Friday.

I don't think that would be a very attractive thing for a wife to say to her husband. The stuff about "fear" sounds like rationalizing, to me. The last thing a person needs to do about their love busters is be defensive and rationalizing. That last sentence sounds like it's saying "You shouldn't feel bad when I love bust you. You see, it's not that I don't like you. I actually love bust you because I like you and am afraid to lose you! Oh, and I'm not really responsible for my actions!"

Furthermore, I just don't think that a betrayed spouse should be telling the formerly wayward spouse they think they are not good enough for them.

Finally, all of us coming from troubled marriages have spouses who can legitimately make complaints. The complaints may seem endless, but the truth is that for most people the complaints really are finite. Address the complaints, one by one, with CHANGE, and they really will go away and we will then be "good enough." Saying you can't be good enough really is a DJ, because you are saying that the other person can't be satisfied.

Prisca, I read in your email to not engage in ANY relationship talk and completely disregarded that advice today. What was I thinking? I am so used to just sharing how I feel. So dumb.

Today he came home for lunch, and everything was very light and positive. He typically comes home and reads his emails/listens to talk radio while he eats. Today he came home and engaged me in a political conversation but when he said what he wanted to say, he started reading his emails as soon as I started to respond. We have a history of him not giving me his full attention when I talk (whether it's to chat with our 2 year old, watch TV, or read emails). I have told him this bothers me.

Today I said, "Really? You engage me in a conversation about this, and when I start to reply you read your emails?" I told him that I felt it was rude and would appreciate his full attention and in response he glances down and reads more emails. I was furious!

We had a very difficult conversation the other night where I let him know that I was done. Then I thought better of it since I know that is not what God wants, and I know it would devastate the kids.

I wondered how he could be so flippant at my request for undivided attention when we are so rocky right now? He seemed to disregard me completely.

It's time to read books and work through the workbook..even if he won't do it with me.

I'm just not sure how to be in the marriage when my needs are so blatantly ignored...this is just one issue of many.

I know this was full of DJs. I can't know how he really feels about any of this. His actions have not been meeting my needs.

Oh, and markos...thanks so much. I really appreciate your insight. Of course it isn't attractive for me to feel this way. I have so much work to do on myself, and I'm going to have to learn how to do it. At first, I thought I'd have to be alone so I could "fix" myself, but really I need to learn how to interact with people properly even when I don't want to.

Oh, and we talked about splitting up again today which was devastating. To us both I'm sure.

And I don't want to split up. I want us both to be happy. I told him I was willing to do WHATEVER it takes to learn how to make him feel heard...so he could have an opinion. He said that my AO today was so hypocritical and I agree.

I am so upset with myself. At the end I was being calm but assertive, and he said that at this point he didn't really care what I needed.

I guess all of this is fear-based...being worried that what I want will never matter. And that causes me to act like a fool. It is time to be in control of my emotions. It is time to be logical, and fair to my husband.

He asked if we could play by the same rules since he has never threatened to leave me? He basically said to give him 2 days and he'd be gone and most likely have me out of the house as well. He was very angry and cursed at me and told me how cruel he can be. It startled me, and that is when I got calm and assertive. I know that I shouldn't use the idea of splitting up as an answer..he thinks I use it as a threat. I meant it. I had a plan, but it is not right. If I can make this marriage right, I want to. But he needs to take me seriously as well.

This is very encouraging to me. Man! How many thoughts in my life are fear based? This is an eye opener...It doesn't feel good, but I'm glad to be opening my eyes.

Dr. Harley never recommends threatening to leave. If you come to a point that you do need to leave, he says to just leave. But, in the meantime, stop the threats.

Stop talking about quitting. Talking about it is only making things worse right now. Threats will not make him take you seriously. You can let him know that you want your needs to be met without threats.

Don't engage in any more relationship talk until you have talked to Dr. Harley on Friday. Put it on hold. Hold the bandage on the wound to slow the bleeding until the Doctor tells you what course of action to take.

He may tell you to leave. He may give you a plan to help you get your husband on board with MB. Wait till then, and see what he says.

Do I Plan A?

Essentially.
Avoid lovebusters AT ALL COST.
Meet his EN as best as possible and as much as he will let you.
Avoid Relationship talk.

You can make it 5 more days.

Got it. Thanks.

You're gonna make it, Anointed. Keep plugging in here for support.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042c_qa.html

Read through these. Lots to work on.

Let's be real here... I can barely function right now. I know I should be making dinner but all I want to do is crawl into a corner and cry my eyes out. I'm so sad that we are in this place. I always thought that we'd be together, and I thought I could sacrifice anything for him. But I just can't anymore. And it hurts so badly! I want to be happy, too, and it sucks trying to make these stupid, disgusting old habits die!

Get take out. Or frozen pizza. Go easy on yourself.

This is not going to last forever. Either he will start meeting your needs and protecting you, or you will be gone. Either way, you will be free of the pain. Dr. Harley will help you decide which direction to go in -- if anybody can bring your husband on board, it's him.

I just wanted to pop in to say that sacrifice is not a Marriage Builders principle.

I just heard Dr. Harley on an old radio program telling a betrayed husband that you don't offer up something to bring your spouse back to the marriage that will make life miserable for you. In other words, you don't sacrifice.

Thanks markos. Last night he came home and sincerely apologized for what he said. I did too. He said he was speaking out of fear and abandonment and he'd never want to treat me that way no matter what happens.

He helped with laundry and was affectionate. H made a couple of demands he probably wasn't aware of and he continued to read while I spoke to him last night. He got aggravated when I asked him to look at me, but I refrained from all relationship talk.

We cuddled in bed and he prayed for us last night. I'm looking forward to the day when we are working together as a team.

Glad to hear the evening went better

As far as his demands, keep in mind that you didn't know of yours that long ago. Ignorance doesn't excuse him, but do give him a little grace until he comes on board with the program. When he does, you will be able to use the forms to discuss them together.

Keep meeting his needs for now. He needs to see that there's something in this program for HIM.

Good job

I don't think you HAVE a victim mindset, Anointed. I think you use this like a trump card whenever someone mentions something that you don't like or agree with, just as you don't like suggestions because you don't like anyone telling you what to do. This is a negotiating tactic with you, kind of like a marital filibuster. When a conversation about a mutual problem or decision doesn't go the way you like, you obfuscate the issue by crying or starting the "woe is me" or "you're hurting my feelings" stuff. Your husband is too close to see it, but people on the outside see it for what it is, especially guys. You're going to have problems with this program because there are going to be lots of people telling you what to do. I would imagine you'll be saying a lot of yes, buts.... until you get some sort of lightbulb moment when you understand that unless something changes within BOTH of you, you're on the express train to divorce.

One of your hubsand's biggest problem is that he doesn't know how to listen, and he hasn't learned yet that a lot of women don't WANT you to fix something all of the time, just simply listen. For men, that is often counterintuitive. The way a man's mind works is that if you tell a guy of a problem, you're asking for a solution; if you're not looking for a fix, then why bring it up?! To us, that's just whining. Takes a while for men to accept that women are just different, some men, like your hubsnad, just never seem to learn. The other thing with your husband is his tendency to engage in "I told you so" behaviors. he knows you'll get pissed if he "suggests" something, but he just can't stop himself, because later he gets some sense of satisfaction when you go against his advice and make a mistake.

The POJA would take care of both these behaviors. To do the POJA you need to have good communication skills, both talking and listening, not dictation skills. Anyone can tell someone what to do, that's easy, really communicating with empathy and compassion, that's hard. But until you can accept that you're not going to get your way everytime, and your husband accept that sometimes discretion is the better part of valor and learn to put a cork in it, you'll get absolutely nowhere. your POJA attempt will be more gridlocked than Congress in a budget meeting.