How much you need to know is up to you. I wanted every gritty detail. Other posters want less. I would suggest you assume it was physical because the opportunity was there. I would get checked for STDs just to be safe.

No... I already considered getting my dr to run a full std panel...anyway. I am going to ask for it regardless of what else I find out. I mentioned it to WH and he said "test away".

You all told me this would happen and I had a feeling it would but not like this.

I've been doing what was recommended here: continued monitoring/surveillance/gathering information. Sure enough, he got lazy and my access only got better.

Today I found evidence of what appears to be A SECOND CONCURRENT affair with yet another woman. This 2nd OW is also from work (not in the same building or town even), is also married with children and has been a long time "friend" of his. I never considered her a threat or that anything was up because he always told me about her and never saw her (at least that I knew of). Anyway, he's known this woman longer than he's known me so I can't imagine this hasn't gone physical at some point.

Her email simply said that she couldn't talk now that but that she awoke this morning "CRAVING" my husband. She requested a txt. She sent three emails before he finally replied with pictures of him and our family and our kids from thanksgiving (no text). He proceeded to immediately delete all the evidence of the communication. (I screen capped) I'm can only assume he called her after that (work phone so I have no record of it).

So now... my plan is to just collect enough evidence on THIS particular A and then confront him and tell him I am done. As of today I have checked out emotionally and he suspects something is up. He was being so sweet to me.

What can I expect when I confront him with this second affair? I plan to gather enough evidence that he can't deny it's just "fun" or "flirting". Will he blame me again? Deny and justify, etc? What can I expect and/or how should I handle it?

I am done...I have checked out emotionally

Given the truth of your own statement, why confront "him" at all?

Put together a total exposure package, and send it out to his (and her) universe of family, friends, co-workers, etc, with a note explaining that this is why you are dissolving the marriage. Also provide copies to your lawyer.

Don't look for drama (in a face-to-face showdown) where there is no need for one. Big risk, no reward.

ITA, don't bother confronting him. Expose this far and wide, and then go into Plan B. You can gain much perspective and healing during Plan B, and if you decide to enter Plan D, it will benefit you greatly.

Gather your evidence, get your Plan B letter ready, prepare for Plan B, and then expose, and enter Plan B.

No! If you are really planning to divorce, the plan is completely different. You need to do all the same snooping, but hold onto your intel until you have researched divorce laws in your area and talked to a lawyer. It might make a difference in your outcome.

huh? This is news to me... Who said the plan is different if you plan on getting a divorce?

Piecesofme, Neverguessed is correct, you need to prepare an exposure packet and just send it out. Regardless of whether or not you get divorced, everyone should know of the affair. Most especially the OW's husband.

Good for you for patiently gathering the evidence.

Ok...it's a new day (sort of)...I'm not sure I want divorce. I think there is still hope. I know people have survived multiple affairs...I don't know if I'm one of those people that can or if we have a marriage that can but I'm still willing to try.

I went for my STD test today. He doesn't know but he suspects something is up because my demeanor has changed drastically. He is now very remorseful. He is now very sorry.

I want to give it one more chance. I know I need to expose - to expose to close family (i.e. his mom, sisters, etc) should I do it in writing or by phone?

Do I confront him and go into Plan A or Plan B? I'm not going anywhere and I'm not throwing him out. I will check out of the marriage though: sleep on the couch, stay just for the kids, etc. I just don't know what to do next. I still need to gather more evidence on the 2nd A though. At his rate, I'm sure I'll get some today...

What if there are 5, 10 affairs? What do I do? How do you handle a multiple affair situation?

Thank you for your replies. I feel so so lost right now.
ETA: How do I find out who OW#2's husband is? Again, we work for the same employer so I have to be careful not to leak my exposure plan.

Edited to say: NEVER MIND!! We already told you what to do and apparently you aren't doing that. There is nothing more we can help you with. As long as your H works with the OW and you keep the affair secret, this is hopeless.

Please stick to the same thread. I had to go back and re-read your other thread to get it.

Click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
Some of your questions may be answered there.
Carrot AND stick means Plan A is NOT "plan nice" or "plan doormat".

While you Plan A .... you get Plan B ready, just in case you need it.

LINK **** How to Plan B

NEVER discuss MB plans with a wayward spouse.
NEVER !

bump

They still work together. And the workplace has never been informed so your H is free to pursue workplace affairs.

Piece-
I guess only you can answer what to do if he has had multiple affairs..I think regardless of how many he has the key is if he will change or not..and don't think he had the affairs because of something you did, or didn't give him. It was all poor boundaries..so if you can work the MB program and he is willing to do what YOU require to continue the marriage then I think it's worth it but that will always be your choice..Good luck and never feel bad about snooping...!

Your marriage will not survive on-going affairs. And as long as your WH is working with these women, the affairs will continue.

Exposure 101 You'd better go back and re-read that. The only thing you did was to expose to the two people who already knew they were having an affair.

Keep gathering intel...


I wouldn't be so quick to take separating off the table. You can separate for a short time without the full intention of divorcing but rather to deliver the message that this is serious and will require permanent changes in his behavior to mend (kind of a "When to Call it Quits" newsletter approach).


TWO OW in an indication that he's a collector. Like susieq's husband, he likes the attention of many and all women in his presence. He didn't slide down the slippery slope into an affair...he IS the slippery slope. I don't know all the facts of your situation but I fear that making recovery easy at all with a player like this is going to cost you tears in the future. Not that recovery isn't possible but absent this guy hitting rock bottom alone in his sister's or his parents basement under the daunting thought of having to pay child support for three children for the next 18 years...only then, might he get it and be willing to do ANYTHING to make it better.

Once you get all your facts...consider calling into Dr. Harley's radio show.

Mr. Wondering

Understood, and I absolute agree - but clearly at this point, the problem runs deeper than that. OW#2 worked in the same building with him over 7 years ago. Not since then. He does not see her at work ever. We all just have the same employer. And clearly he's still carried on inappropriately with her. Unless he works strictly from home there WILL be other women at his next workplace.

YUP. I see that. So how do you deal with a collector?

EXACTLY!! In order to recover he would have to take extraordinary precautions and that would mean not ever working around women again. In the meantime, you should officially notify Human Resources of your husband's very legally risky, unprofessional behavior. By keeping his secrets, you become part of the problem.

Your marriage will not make it unless he makes dramatic changes in his lifestyle and I don't see you even taking the first steps to achieve that.