I would suggest that you not tell other posters how to help your WW. This does a GREAT disservice to her. The "harshness" of the posts is meant to help HER, and it is part of the consequences of her actions. If my WH ever wanted to reconcile, I would make posting on MB MANDATORY(as well as the online programme) as I KNOW that my fellow posters would be able to get through to him like I never could.

Your WW has a lot of work she must do, and protecting her from it will harm you and your marriage in the long run.

I appreciate the weigh-in, Scotty, though I'd also add that I've been posting to PSMF since she showed up around MB in August, and haven't said anything in any of those posts that was intended to be "harsh" or that wasn't oriented toward giving PSMF the best shot at helping L2C feel emotionally-safe with her & giving them both the best shot at rebuilding their marriage the way it's supposed to be. You can look it up.

I do think that there's something which is worth getting at in looking into L2C's "in love" characterization, and which is actually harmful for them to ignore, if his description is accurate. (Again, I don't presume to know whether it is accurate or not.) I will say that this issue is indeed one of the very things TWC & I had to face in the process of our recovery.

It was L2C himself who said on this thread:
"Dying inside." That sounds pretty serious to me. Maybe I've read too much into his choice of words there. But I don't know what PSMF & L2C are here for, if not for our perspective on dealing with this stuff in a way that is good for their marriage.

It's a free country & free advice, and no one has to take it. But if you're drowning, and the Coast Guard shows up, it's pretty counterproductive of anyone not to grasp the flotation device because you don't like orange clothes, or because you don't like the rescuer's tone of voice. (Or what you think his tone of voice might be. By the way, just about everything I type can be read in a sincere, empathetic, calm & quiet tone, by anyone who's so inclined. As if I were sharing coffee with them in a quiet cafe.)

My hand's out. I want to help these folks. If they want help.

No time to go back over the thread and see the responses you've received, so I may be retreading here.

L2C, your statement is that your FWW is still in love with the OM.

You stated that you had unrealistic expectations about recovery, and I would say that only 3 months in if you had a whole lot of expectations at all, then yes, they were unrealistic.

Now, back to your FWW being in love with the OM.

Have you read any articles on the site? Did you guys buy Surviving An Affair(SAA)? Have you read it?

Are you familiar with The Love Bank?

The basic rundown is that our interactions with people - with all people - deposit or withdraw Love Units from their love bank. In the case of the opposite sex, these deposits have the capacity to reach a certain threshold where we feel attracted to that person, or where we feel romantic love towards them. We can also withdraw units, and that person can lose their attraction to us, or lose the feeling of romantic love. We make deposits by meeting Emotional Needs (EN), we subtract by using Love Busters (LB).

Simple, right?

There are several articles on this site, as well as excellent expansion in the aforementioned book that will flesh this out. For now, I just want you to look at this basic concept.

Your wife had an affair because she failed to protect her Love Bank, and allowed a man other than her husband to meet her Emotional Needs. This was done in a rather unfair fashion.

This man never had to pay her bills, or cook her meals, or raise children with her. He never dealt with her foul moods. In fact, the two of them were in a little bubble world where their spouses did all the hard work, and all they had to do was meet each other's Emotional Needs.

Because of this, each had a soaring Love Bank balance for each other, which left their spouses (who had to do all the "real life" work) with lacking balances in comparison.


Now, let's get to the meat and potatoes.

Through exposure, their fantasy world collapsed. While they had these crazy Love Bank balances, it wasn't enough to give up that heavy-lifting spouse at home, nor to break two families when reality came crashing in.

The Affair ended "the right way."

Had you and OMW simply stepped away and let them "have each other," the fantasy would collapse, reality and Love Busters would have set in, and each may have gone crawling back to their spouse in the wreckage, their Love Bank balances depleted. That would have been the wrong way, a natural death.

Because the affair ended the right way, those love bank balances may still remain above the romantic love threshold. And those balances will deteriorate VERY SLOWLY - IF and only IF no contact is made.

In fact, years down the road, if contact were to resume the affair could reignite.

This is why the very first EP your wife needs to adhere to is NO CONTACT FOR LIFE WITH HER AFFAIR PARTNER.

That balance will remain.

HOWEVER!

You can learn to build a Love Bank balance with your wife that will utterly DWARF the balance she had for this home-wrecking weasel.

We all can learn to do it, but your wife is going to need to extend to you the courtesy and protection of adhering to a plan of recovery, and that plan is here, sir.

Get to reading!

I strongly agree with this. As well as the rest of MelodyLane's advice.

I understand that motivation, but I don't know how realistic it is. Your whole daily life may be full of reminders. Getting a new life in a new town may be the best way to start over.

Hey, L2C, I strongly suggest you listen every day! It takes a lot of repeated exposure to some of this information to get it to really sink in.

I also encourage you to keep communicating with Dr. Harley and your coach.

�Yes� to the articles as well as MB and LB. Also enrolled in MB so we have watched Dr. Harley�s videos and we are going through the audio and workbooks now as well. �No� to SAA but we have asked our MB counselor to send us a copy.
Yes�familiar with love bank.

I had not thought of it this way but that makes a lot of sense�that ending the affair leaves the OM�s love bank account with my wife intact at its inflated level and with no further contact there will never be LBs creeping in to chip away at it.

So if I got this right, I can expect she is going to feel �in love� with the OM until I manage to raise my own account with her far above the level of her affair account.

Scotty, Copy. Thank you for the counsel. After all, I did ask for �reality check� along with words of encouragement. :-)

GloveOil, Yes�I am confident she would say she remains �in love� with the OM.

Thank you.

Excellent post Hold! L2C, this is one of the most basic issues that you need to grab onto. Yes, your WW? was/is still in love with the OM (or the fantasy of OM) but that can be overcome with diligence to the MB program by both of you.

I have hope for you two. Keep a laser focus on each other and remember, they don't call it the roller coaster for nuthin.

Both of you following the MB Plans to the letter =

I like the remark about OM leaving her LB high and that it will take a very long time to dissapate and NC is a must because OM past balances will suck back in WW.

At two and a half months you are going through normal fears. You're manuring bricks. Normal.

With time the need to manure will slowly decrease. This is why recover is two to five years to happen.

L2C, you might benefit from following the posts of Doormat_No_More on this site. He listens to Dr. Harley very regularly and posts a lot of great insight.

A year ago he had a conversation with Dr. Harley about whether or not his wife still had feelings for the other man. Dr. Harley's response was that basically, it didn't impact recovery!

Here is the radio show where they discussed this, I think:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2349
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2350
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2351

L2C, it is crazy how similiar our sitch is. I felt just like PSMF in regards to the OM. My affair ended in the same way as hers. My BH new of the affair, confronted the OM, still it continued. It lasted for over a year. Once he exposed to OMW. That was it. End of story. It was dead.

Just the same way, the OM ran to his BW crying and begging her to not leave him. At least, at that point he did the right thing. He chose his wife. She was the one that he loved. Not me, not like that. I was left with that full Love Bank and didn't know how to process those feelings. I thought I would feel that way forever. I felt incredible hurt and pain.

All the while my BH had been doing the perfect Plan A and he didn't even know what Plan A was. He continued to do everything he could to show me that he was the one who could love me better than anyone else ever could. He has proven his love in ways that amaze me. Even when I didn't respond in the way he hoped I would. Even when I felt that I did not deserve his loyalty and continued effort. He never gave up.

I remember in my thread, which I haven't read in quite a while. I think it was Pepperband or School Bus who said, someday I would have an epiphany. Well, just the other day that happened. I woke up in the morning. I felt my heart swell inside and thought, "I love my husband". I had been telling him all along that I did love him but not with the intensity I felt at that moment.

His love bank account has finally reached that overflowing mark. It has far exceeded the account of the OM.

Honestly the first few months after exposure and during withdrawal have been a horribly selfish time for me and now that I see things so much more clearly it is obvious how much I hurt him, how much I risked losing and how bad the choices that I made were. I can't redo what I have done but I can work to recover my marriage and have a long happy life with the man who believes I am his world. I hope she realizes this soon.

I don't even really know how to describe the feeling and thoughts I have of the OM. The intensity is gone. It just doesn't seem real anymore. The only triggers are the ones in my own head and those seldom pop up anymore. I won't lie and say that I am 100% over the pain and hurt that I felt. But it hasn't been that long for me either. Our timelines are very similiar to yours. End of August was last contact with OM. Last contact with OMW was mid September.

It takes time but keep on going. She is still there. She is with you. Work on her like you have been and hopefully soon she will be yours in body, heart and soul again. I am glad my husband never gave up on me. I have come to realize that I was just holding on to the feelings of love/lust for the OM because I felt that it must mean that it (the affair) meant something, it was special, we were really in love, I wasn't just a piece on the side, etc. Sooner or later she will realize that she is where she needs to be and he is where he should be.

I am glad that you are posting. I can learn alot from you. You both are going through the same feelings that I & my BH are experiencing. I will be praying for you both.

Markos, you are a wealth of references! Thank you. I will look into these, too.

I posted on your wife's thread. I know you aren't posting there but I just wanted to reach out to her. I know how she feels. It is comforting for me to know and read about others who are living with the horrible reprecussions of an affair. The more I read and apply the principles found here to my marriage, the better it gets. I rarely post but when I see someone that is hurting like me and my BH have I just want to help any way I can. Probably more supportive than full of MB advice but it's all I can do.

You are helping me just by posting here. It's crazy but I can see my BH's pain in your pain. I see my pain in PSMF. The pain from the affair and the pain and hurt I have caused to my family and the other innocent family.

Thank you for sharing and I hope PSMF gets more active posting here again. She will help others and help herself. I started my first post but turned into a lurker/reader pretty quickly. I seem to say things the wrong way and get 2x4'd so let me put out a disclaimer. I am not a MB specialist but this site has helped me tremendously. There are some amazing, intelligent people here. You will get lots of good advice and support.

Foreversunshine, I am delighted for you. I truly hope this will take place in my own marriage someday soon. I realize now I allowed my wife�s account to get awfully low and I have a lot of investing to do before my own account with my wife exceeds the affair account.
I read through your �need help with healing� thread. Your story and how far you have come are testimony of what a BH�s perseverance and love, in combination with a determined WW, can accomplish. I will press on with determination.

Have the two of you talked to Dr. Harley about whether he thinks moving would be a good idea, in your situation?

GO, My wife and I actually talked about this very issue this morning on the phone before I saw this post. I am so eager to hear that she is over the OM that perhaps I too often ask how she is progressing. Regardless how much she is or is not thinking about OM on her own, it seems I am not helping matters by constantly bringing it up.

No. But I will bring this up with our MB counselor at our next phone appointment.