You have, what a week of Plan A left quo?

How is your Plan B prep going?

Be very insistent he prove himself to you by giving up his job so as to begin 'NC for life' and taking a poly.

If he doesnt you will be safe and sound in Plan B, wihout any regrets about how hard you tried.

Plan B is great btw (I might have mentioned that before)!

Thanks everyone for following up. I am at the end of week 2 of Plan A. 10 days ago the NC letter was sent certified to OW. I wrote the letter and WH copied it in his handwriting. We both went to the post office to mail it. In the past 2 weeks we have been together the entire time. I have been monitoring his every move and I am 100% certain there has been no contact.

There has been no reaction from college. The semester starts mid January. WH is determined to abide by NC rules, commuting daily to campus and moving his office to an area that has more visibility and has a controlled access. He is scared sh**less about his job and potential retaliation from OWH (exposure to OWH occurred one day after WH left the campus). If contact were to resume in January, I would shift to Plan B. At the moment, I have three weeks with him to execute Plan A or whatever other plan to recover my marriage may be called.

We are on a rollecoaster of emotions. He is withdrawn for the most part explaining that he focused on end-of-the semester work (he is doing this work from home). There has been some intimacy which has been predominantly initiated by me. It bugs me that I always have to make the first move and constantly take the initiative. He is receptive to me but not to the level previous to the affair. He has changed and this discourages me so much to the point that makes me withdraw and I have to constantly fight tears, which, it turn, makes him resent me. I fear he is still in the withdrawal mode thus unable to fully vest himself in the healing process. He claims that once we are on vacation and he is not distracted by work that he will make a better effort. He claims that I have to act like a person that he would want to rebuild our marriage with, which apparently I am not when I am weepy and out of control.

I have tried antidepressants 1.5 months ago when WH separated from me for two weeks. I had too many side effects and stopped taking them on my physician's advice. Since WH has been home, I have been finally able to start sleeping and eating, which is progress, although I am yet to get a better grip on my emotions.

Q. I am glad that you are still with us.

Yes, Plan A is so hard because it is all about the wayward at this point and your needs go unmet. Just keep reminding yourself why you are doing it...showing WH how good life can be with you. Do a stellar Plan A because I think you may very likely need a plan B to knock WH out of this.

How hard is WH looking for a new job?

Deep breaths Q. Read everything you can here.

That sounds like something you should be saying to him, instead.
See the difference?


So he ridicules you and gets mad at you for daring to be sad because of his behavior?

Quovadis-

How are things?

OK, here is an update. We had a very nice vacation, which had brought WH, DS and me all closer. WH seems to have recovered from the A withdrawal and is vested in the future of our relationship. He has committed to complete transparency and provided to me all addresses and passwords to his e-mail accounts. He has resumed his classes and now commutes 2.5 hrs each way daily to campus. He spends all nights at home -- no more hotels. He has moved his office to a different area of the school to avoid all potential contact with OW. He has communicated to the people at school that he has recommitted to the marriage.

Other than a single passing in a hallway he has had no contact with OW. He is scheduled to complete this semester at the current school and is seeking potential opportunities to teach elsewhere next academic year.

He is still scared about OW's reaction to him ending the A. He claims that she has had no an opportunity to reach closure (apparently his NC letter, in his view, would not be sufficient for her to accept the end of the affair). So, both he and I, are still waiting in horror to learn about what type of personal vendetta she might execute.

On the marriage recovery front, things have been hopeful but still tough and raw. I am finding it hard to be the Giver all the time. His remorse has been slow to manifest. He claims he is committed to our marriage and the A made him a better person and husband. We have had some wonderful moments as a couple, but for every step forward that we make, there are several steps in setbacks. I have great difficulty in finding the strength to forgive him. Especially, since he claims that the A was a "cosmic" connection that gave him an opportunity to "grow." At this point, he regrets the pain that the A has caused me and our family, but he still clings to the belief that the A was a right thing at a wrong time.

I know 100% that he has had no contact with OW. I also know that he is 100% committed to avoiding her at all costs at the school. I am not, however, sure how he might react if she shows up at his office wanting to gain closure. All I know that if there is another contact between the two of them, I will go into Plan D.

The past three months have been a personal hell for me. However, I would not be where I am, with my WH back in our marriage seeking recovery, without the invaluable advise from this forum. You,guys, have been incredible, and I am grateful to you for saving my marriage. To the betrayed spouses who are reluctant to execute exposure, please take the advise of the posters her to heed: exposure is the only chance to rescue your marriage.

Thank you so much for all your support!

Just wanted to point out that you already know there has been contact:


And that is just all he has told you. You only have the word of a practiced liar about continued contact. If he decides to resume the affair, you will be the last person he will tell. He walks into the temptation and the opportunity every day. He can never withdraw going to same school as her. I am sorry you have signed on for this.

We have another three months before the semester is over and before I have 100% guarantee that there is no further contact with OW. It is an unfortunate reality of reconciling the need of WH to stay in the current place of employment and support financially me and our family with a potential risk of seeing OW. This reality sucks, but we have no other choice -- we have to be able to pay our bills so that we could ensure that we can financially survive.

Yes, I do think about the risk of WH's re-injecting himself into the A every day. But I know, that the protective measures that he has undertaken , i.e. coming home every day, full transparency into his schedule and e-mail, will make the A more difficult for him to execute.

quovidis, I sincerely hope this works out for you... I know the hell you have been through.

Thank you, Melody! You have been my rock of Gibraltar in this personal hell of my WH's A. The past several weeks have instilled hope in me that my M still has a chance. WH has been very committed and devoted, I feel that we are going through the 2.0 version of our marriage. Nevertheless, my wounds are still very raw and I feel WH could do more to ensure a speedier recovery on my part. He just asks me to give him a chance and time, and, frankly, I have no other option at the moment. My DS is finally enjoying a family that is together again -- I can see how much happier he is with us being together. I am inclined to give my WH a chance for the next several months, despite the fact that he is still in the same building with OW.

I will keep you posted. In the meantime, do you have any tips about the recovery. How does a BS find strength to heal the emotional wounds of betrayal?

The problem is that every time he sees her/the workplace/her car/thinks he might see her today he is triggered back to day one of withdrawal

You too are triggered back to day one of d-day and 'raw emotion' every time you wave him off for work.

I would not expect much from either of you in the way of recovery while contact, even sporadic, distant contact is happening.

I just wish you well. Your path is enormously risky, but we hope you get through the minefield without being hit all the same.

Is that guarantee your husband's word on this?

His just seeing the buildings on campus probably triggers him and keeps him in limbo. There are probably a myriad of things that he sees every single day at work that remind him of the OW. Even his new office reminds him of the OW as he wouldn't have it if he hadn't had her.

I, too, hope it works out for you but urge you to get him out of that workplace and to remain vigilant.

As the "newness" of recovery wears off, he's liable to slide back. As an addict would think, "I've quit once, I could quit again and, besides, just a little bit wouldn't hurt because I now know what NOT to do to avoid getting addicted again."

If he's still on board after leaving the job, I think that hindsight will show you the difference that leaving the job makes in his behavior.

Hey quo,

Just checking on you, hope all is well.

Thanks everyone for your support. Here is an update. The semester has ended and my H is back home 24/7. From January through April he drove daily to school (2.5 hours each day) instead of staying 2-3 nights in a hotel. His 5-hour daily driving time has turned into a perfect UA time for us. We talked like never before, discovering each other, trying to understand how H chose to abandon the marriage by pursuing an EA/PA with a former student last year. H relocated his office to a limited-access area, and saw OP a few times passing in the hallways during the semester. Other than these chance encounters, there had been NC, which I have verified.

H is a reformed man now. He calls it the 2.0 version of him. The recovery is progressing well despite occasional setbacks when I trigger and feel resentful and angry. These setbacks happen less and less often now that H is home 24/7. H tried to find another employment but to no avail. As far as I know, OP will not be at school next academic year.

Lessons learned from A: I should have trusted my instincts sooner. I should have exposed sooner. In my case, H promised to stop contact at the time of the discovery, but then OP threw herself at him telling him that she will not let me dictate when their affair should be terminated. Their contact resumed, I discovered this three weeks later and gave H an ultimatum. He chose to continue seeing OP so I threw him out and exposed the A to the kids and family. I should have exposed the A to OP's H then but I waited for three weeks despite the sound advice on this board to the contrary. This is my biggest regret. Exposing the A sooner would have spared me the heartache and costs of separation. Immediately after the exposure to OPH, H decided to commit himself to our family. He wrote the NC letter and has been fulfilling its terms. He had recommitted himself to the marriage and I have no reason to doubt his resolve. He has provided me with complete transparency into his daily communications - he gave me passwords to all of his e-mail accounts and shutdown his professional networking account (his does not have an FB account).

H has shared all of the details of the A and describes it as a "body snatching" experience, something similar to being drawn into a cult and signing his life away. He is remorseful and embarrassed about the entire ordeal. He cannot forgive himself how he betrayed me and his family, and how he compromised his fundamental values and professional reputation. The OP turned out to be a narcissistic control freak who demanded admiration and devotion 24/7. She resented that H was returning to his family every weekend and ultimately was ecstatic when H left us to live in a cheap hotel so that he could see her freely, despite the fact that she had a husband and small children.

The A imploded immediately after the exposure and H and I have been recovering our marriage since the end of November 2011. We feel very much in love with one another and feel that our marriage is ions better than pre-A.

quo, thanks for the update! I wanted to add that recovery began when contact ended. Contact was every time they "passed in the hall." And you didn't have any way of verifying more serious contact. They could have very easily met in a private meeting room, broom closet or anywhere else and you would have no way of knowing.

As long as there is truly no contact now, your marriage has a chance at recovery it never had before.

How will you know if the OW goes to that school or not? Is your H still looking for another job? One that is closer to home?


So you drove every day with him?

How would you know if the OW is planning on returning next semester?

What steps have you taken to affair proof your marriage?

Thanks Melody and BH! The 5 hours daily UA time while FWH was driving was spent on the phone. This was in addition to hours of walks that we took in the spring discussing the A as I insisted that we do not discuss this subject in our home. There were days when we took two walks walking a total of 5 - 7 miles. Also, there were days when I drove with FWH to his school and spent the day with him at work. I even attended some of his classes and met his current students.

I will be enrolling in his school next year and we will be moving to the city where he now works in the spring semester. We are just waiting until our child graduates high school. Until our move, FWH will be continuing to drive daily to work. Since I will be taking classes there as well, we will be driving together.

It is amazing how this A has not only brought us together but also served as a catalyst for me to go to grad school.

As far as I know OW should not be there next academic year. Thank you Marriage Builders, this forum and especially to Melody. Without your support and guidance our marriage would not have had this chance. Melody's suggestion of writing a letter to my then WH was the turning point and made WH rethink his decision to separate. Melody -- I will always be eternally grateful for everything that you have done for me and others on this forum.

I like the idea of your integrated life at school together....

But this all sounds like your efforts. I'd like to hear a bit more about his Just Compensation and amends.

Remember without expressions of remorse and a fully transparent life NOW, the A could be merely underground.

Next year is a long time away. Enough time for a wayward to juggle two women until he 'finds himself' even then she can still be kept on the side.

Its an addiction - never forget that.

quo, this sounds very promising! I'm wondering, though, about the following:

How have you verified this?
You know this means nothing, right?