Well, being a Marine, he has to or he will face time behind bars. If he is willing to make things worse on himself then so be it. Him and his wife live over 50 miles away as it is. It was convenient for him to see my WW because he worked up here, but now he doesn't. I will be watching just in case.

When dealing with your WW, it's best to assume that OM will hang around for a while...and that WW will keep trying to maintain that relationship as well.

If she suddenly clams up and you don't hear from her, she probably got her OM fix.

He was already caught with her after a stand-down order, right?

Didn't he have an order on him before he was caught at her place?

I think staying in Plan A through the holidays will delay the head-snapping your WW needs, but I am no expert. I do, however, think you have a golden opportunity over Christmas to either show her your stellar self, or show her life without you, and correct me if I'm wrong...but I think she's seen the former.

DrH suggests that men stay longer in Plan A because firstly, they can handle the emotional toll better than women(generalization here people), and secondly, because men should be the chasers.

In this case, I think that Plan A should continue for the next while at least. Plan A is done while there is an ACTIVE affair. It should just be assumed that the A is still on until your WW agrees with NC, and writes the NC letter. Since she isn't even agreeing to ending her A yet, then you Plan A, until you can't handle Plan A anymore.

There was no order in place until last Tuesday when everything happened. I requested one on 15 November, but it took me having a stand down with the OM for it to take place. I'm glad they moved fast and got him off the base, but had they done it sooner and that happened, he would be facing more charges than he has now.

Today I was interviewed about my WWs A with the OM. The guy said it would be hard to prove adultery unless they were actually caught in the act, but there was enough there for conduct unbecoming of a Marine and inappropriate conduct with another Marine's spouse. I don't know what will come of everything, but I hope the OM doesn't walk away without some type of punishment.

I had my WW come over for dinner Mon and Tues and she stopped by twice today to check on our DS11. He wasn't feeling well so I kept him home from school. I'm still being cheery and playful. I never did get my AD because I didn't feel they were necessary. I don't hurt as much as I did before last Tuesday. My plan A is better than ever. However, I don't know if it's working, but hopefully it will turn things around in the coming months.

You shouldn't be doing Plan A hoping it will work. You need to do Plan A with NO EXPECTATIONS.

Your Plan B will be better because of the Plan A you pull off. You will KNOW that you did EVERYTHING possible to try to save your marriage.

There is also this point in Plan A where you feel empowered. There are moments where you aren't just acting like you are James Bond cool you actually ARE. Let that propel you forward, and use those moments. This way, when you are feeling a bit down, you will know that you will feel better again.

Ok good because at this point I don't have any expectations. Now I know I'm on the right track regardless of the outcome. Thanks.

Lots of people don't need anti-ds during plan A
but
need them once they implement plan B.

Plan B, though it is for you, is really, really, really sad at first and for a while. The easiest way to get to a good place in plan B is to have zero contact and to avoid information about what wayward is up to. It takes a while.

In other words.....enjoy plan A while you are in it. There are yucky parts to it (knowing about the cheating and finding out about continued cheating) but it is kind of cool for the while you are in it. You get to impress yourself with your ability to not lovebust!

I've heard through the grapevine that the OM has been on leave since the end of last week and has been home with his W trying to reconcile and attending church and doing what he has to do to try to save his marriage. This week my W has been at my place a lot. We have had multiple conversations and had dinner together. We haven't talked about the relationship at all. She has said that she loves me and has hugged me each time she left to go to her apt.

Under the circumstances of exposure and her embarassement of everyone knowing, I am wondering if she may feel that it would be too shameful or embarassing to come back to the marriage. When she stated that she wanted to try to be friends and she was worried how I would treat her if she came back, I wonder what there is that I can do to show her that she won't be mistreated. I have my conditions for our marriage to recover and I am not love busting in any way.

I've been using the stick and carrot, but I'm wondering what more I can do to get her to take bigger bites (so to speak). I don't want the impression to be that we make better friends than husband and wife. The good thing is that we talk and text on a regular basis, but it's not romantic or about us. It's usually about her work or mine and the kids. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can step my game up?

So that this doesn't become your new normal, you'll have to step it up and ask her to make a decision once and for all.

That's really all there is to it: either stay in limbo, or move one way or the other. If you're the one to make the first move out of limbo I think you'll be in a better position. After all, you don't want *her* to be the one dictating the marriage any longer.

I know what you mean by asking, though.

That seems like a love buster to me.

It is not a LB to set your boundaries and enforce them. You would just be saying you want her to be your wife or not.

Not sure if you have Plan A'd her long enough though. Maybe after the holidays?

Flirt. Didnt you have to chase your wife in the beginning GJM? Just say stuff that a buddy woulnt say. I would go for admiration. We ladies are a sucker for compliments and waywards seem to adore attention. Dont worry about her response though. I know that makes it hard.

Have you made it abundantly clear to her that you want to reconcile only AFTER she ends ALL contact with OM FOR LIFE, and commit to a plan for recovery with you(MB)?

Also, have you made it perfectly clear to her that should this lead to a divorce that you will NOT be friends with her? That you intend to cut her out of your life if her actions lead to a divorce?

Do you have any way of getting her on the phone with the Harleys?

Stepping up your game:

Wink at her
Tell her she looks gorgeous
Tell her she smells good

Look into her eyes and let her look away. Look deep. Slight, slight smile on your face.

Hold doors open for her.

Offer to lift things for her.



Not all at once, but during time you spend with her.

And, no, exposure will not keep her from coming back to bond.....she has a lot of mental work to do, caused by her affair more than anything that was an issue in the marriage. and that is what will keep her away until she gets on the right road. You can't make her do the work but you can be an inviting and attractive place to come to if she is in the right place in her mind.

GJM, you got the inputs from several MB-veteran ladies here (emphasis on the gender), and they are giving you the keys to the kingdom.

1. Be the MAN - the one that men want to be, and women want to be with (I think you're getting that part down).
2. Plan A her into insensibility. Look, in infidelity recovery, it's called Plan A; pre-marriage it's called courting. You�ve done it; do it again:

• Send her flowers, or drop her a note, for (fill in the blank), but having NOTHING to do with your relationship. The kids were more ready for school today than yesterday? They told you she did a great job making hamburgers for dinner?
• Compliment her - her hairdo, her driving, the fact that she's dropped (or added) a few pounds. (Do NOT overlook her shoes!)

3. Repeat your desire to recover your marriage, on consistent terms. (So make sure you can spell them all out the first time.) On my thread, Stretch asked me why our recovery proceeded so rapidly. My answer was: I accepted that her �transgressions� ended with my discovery, and I could assure her that my �failures� to support our marriage ended at discovery. If she would commit the same effort toward recovery as I, we had nothing to fear. (Working in my - our - favor was that she knew I had never lied to her in my life, so she could trust me on this, as soon as I said it.) A sneaky part of this is making sure her trusted sources (family, friends, etc) all hear the same message.

4. Stay away from your deadlines/expectations. Let HER come to the reality that being with you is her best potential future.

[/quote]

Flirt. Didnt you have to chase your wife in the beginning GJM? Just say stuff that a buddy woulnt say. I would go for admiration. We ladies are a sucker for compliments and waywards seem to adore attention. Dont worry about her response though. I know that makes it hard.[/quote]

I am doing that each day.

Thank you, this helps. I am doing these things. I just want to make sure I'm on the right track.

I'm all over it. Some days I just feel like it's useless because I don't get a real response out of her. I know that waywards usually act this way. I just needed reassurance. Thanks.