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"An ugly manner" would likely require letting the affair die a natural death, which may decrease the chances of recovering the marriage.

An affair that ends "the right way" according to MB principals is immediate, likely following exposure.

Even ending horribly, a former AP will still be likely to have a positive Love Bamk balance.


How the affair ends isn't nearly as important as the implementation of No Contact for life, and elExtraordinary Precautions.




"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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HHH,

"An ugly manner" would likely require letting the affair die a natural death, which may decrease the chances of recovering the marriage.

I meant that the OM should utterly reject the WW making the WW to feel abandoned and spurned, ugly in the short term.

You are quite correct that the natural and often silent death of an affair deadens a marriage for years and years as I am all too familiar with.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by Gamma
HHH,

"An ugly manner" would likely require letting the affair die a natural death, which may decrease the chances of recovering the marriage.

I meant that the OM should utterly reject the WW making the WW to feel abandoned and spurned, ugly in the short term.

You are quite correct that the natural and often silent death of an affair deadens a marriage for years and years as I am all too familiar with.

God Bless
Gamma


So, it was a difference if opinion on the definition or context of "ugly."

I was thinking along the lines of a Love Bank balance decimating blowout.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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GloveOil,

Thank you so much for taking time to post to my wife on her �Things I never thought of when I had an affair� thread. I find there to be much wisdom and insight in your words and I am deeply appreciative of the amount of time you must have spent writing them out.

I want to �port� the following quote into this thread because we have been talking so much about the affair partner's love bank balance. I think your following analogy is excellent and bears repeating here:

Originally Posted by GloveOil
To put it in MB, "Love Bank" terms, I'd consider that indeed, lots of what OM put into your LB was forged notes. Counterfeit. � in theory, you could exchange 'em at his black-market bank (if his wife wouldn't drill you in the spine with a .38 first, that is). But anywhere else in the world you go, in real life, those notes are fake. As currency, they're worthless when it comes to buying anything of lasting value to you.
Thank you, GloveOil, for all you have done over the years here on MB to invest in people like PSMF and me. Thank you to all of you who so faithfully minister to those of us who are hurting and struggling to save our marriages. You do so from the wisdom and experience garnered through your own hurts and struggles and it is a precious gift to all of us.

L2C

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L2C, are you and your wife going to take steps to move out of the environment and the house in which the affair took place?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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learning2cherish,

I am extremely sorry today to hear that you decided to take on a ministry that your wife was not enthusiastic about. This is the kind of behavior that wrecks marriages. Those of us who have applied the Marriage Builders program to our marriages have learned just how destructive this kind of thing is and know that it could never be what God wants. It is like the Jewish leaders who claimed that they could not take care of their parents because what they had was "korban" a sacrifice to God. You can't take the care that belongs to your wife and give it away to a ministry and sanctify it by putting the name of God on it.

I am even more sorry to hear that you have worked in this "ministry" with a woman who has captured your affections - again, something that belongs to your wife. Can a man take fire into his lap and not be burned? You've built a secret second life and set things up where you can destroy your wife, your marriage, and yourself.

I hope that we will soon see a post from you letting us know that you have ended contact with this woman for life and resigned from this ministry and that from now on your ministries will be performed in conjunction with your wife and that, from the endless ministry opportunities available, you will select only those that you are both enthusiastic about.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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L2C - the road you are going down is going to lead only to misery.

Please let us help lead you back to happiness.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Learning2Cherish
While I appreciate the tough-love approach, I don�t believe that is the appropriate response here. We are past the fog (plenty of tough-love 2x4s from MB family on her first threads back in August during that time). I would greatly appreciate only encouraging comments on my wife�s thread. She IS working hard with me to save our marriage and IS showing me with her actions that she is trying.

Wow. It seems you were very fortunate to have a wife so invested in saving your marriage. She certainly did not deserve to have you be unfaithful to her. She didn't deserve to have you make church activities more important than she is. You must understand that doing these things are causing her TERRIBLE PAIN.

Now she is still fighting hard to save your marriage, but without your cooperation.

Will you continue to destroy her? Will you let her keep fighting until she completely exhausts and destroys herself?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
L2C - the road you are going down is going to lead only to misery.

Please let us help lead you back to happiness.

I know you may not believe me when I say this road leads to misery. If you don't believe me, I hope that when you get there, you look back and remember. And I hope you'll turn around at that point and that we will still be able to help you. I hope that you will not have gotten to a point where helping you would be done at your wife's expense - we will help her recover from this crime here.

I know that what you are involved in feels extremely pleasurable. So extremely pleasurable that it feels like a gift from God. But please believe me. If you won't believe me, please listen to and believe Him:

Originally Posted by Hebrews 11:25 KJV
Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season;

Originally Posted by Hebrews 11:25 NASB
choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin,

The pleasure you are getting out of the relationship with this other woman is destined to pass away! And in the meantime it is causing great harm to your wife. And to you!

Begging you, on God's behalf: please return and be reconciled.

[Linked Image from i1.ytimg.com]


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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