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I'm thinking she may be hesitant to come home and she will be going back and forth about saving our marriage. The first thing I need to do is give her my conditions. The next thing would be to get her home? She IS hesitant to come home. It's like an addict being hesitant to go to a treatment center. They know that party time is over and the prospect of being sober doesn't look appealing to them while they're mired in that addiction. Do NOT let her come home yet. Now is the time to give her your conditions for her return. Let her know that there IS a way home, but the road is narrow. She will need to agree to each of your conditions. Make sure she is willing to do so. I would add to those conditions that she needs to pack up everything in that apartment and break the lease formally with her landlord. That's a place she can run to if she when withdrawal gets tough. You don't want her to have an easy out. GJM, the firmer you are about your conditions the better your chance at recovery. Keep the bar high.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Ugh! I'm so stressed out right now. I have to go talk to my command about the phone this morning. I'm tired of spending all this energy on the OM. My WW doesn't realize the impact SHE is having on our children. She thinks they just need counseling. I told her no, that they need to be raised in one house by their mother and father. She said "ya" and that was it. So much for her willing to do anything for our children. I do know that's a weak point for her. I'm going to write out my conditions for returning and recovery and start working my Plan B letter. I need to be prepared. I refuse to be a door mat. That's not who I am. I'll admit I started out that way, but I was hurting so much and wasn't thinking clearly. I went to buy SAA, but the book store didn't have it.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Order it from this site or Amazon with one day shipping.
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My WW doesn't realize the impact SHE is having on our children. She thinks they just need counseling. She's destroyed their family and thinks they can get 'fixed' at a counselor?????? 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Ok, I ordered the book from Amazon. I have this terrible feeling in my gut. I can't explain it, but it's never failed me in the past. Still waiting to talk about the prepaid to my command.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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My WW doesn't realize the impact SHE is having on our children. She thinks they just need counseling. She's destroyed their family and thinks they can get 'fixed' at a counselor?????? This is what my own wayward mother said.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I went to pick up DS11 and WW started telling me that I didn't fight for her and that I should have confronted the OM. She said she wanted to feel wanted and appreciated. I told her I have been fighting for our marriage this whole time. She said I was running to my command instead of confronting her about everything. I told her that I did confront her and she lied constantly. She said I didn't get angry enough and I should have grabbed her by the arm and yelled at her. I told her that I could get in trouble for doing that and wasn't willing to be physical. She said she wouldn't have gone to anyone. GJM, I've lurked here for some time, but finally registered to say this to you: Be VERY careful. The post I quoted, especially the red bits, sends every threat sensor on my panel sky-high. It's as if she's trying to set you up for a charge of domestic violence/stalking/intimidation -- either against her or the OM. I'm sure the veterans will have more helpful advice, but you should at least consider not seeing her in person without witnesses or at the *bare minimum* protecting yourself with a VAR or something. Had to get that off my conscience. God bless and stay strong.
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I have the exact same feeling as justpassingthru! She is trying to set you up and manipulate you into an assault charge. Since charges are pending against him, you need to steer clear of that loser now. Your wife is very manipulative!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're right. I didn't play into that at all. I said this is me fighting by exposing and getting help. I don't need to be physical with anyone to show how tough I am. I'm 35 years old, I'm not in HS anymore.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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You did great at the time by not getting drawn into some display of aggression.
That's only partially what I meant, though. I suggest that you view her words as a *serious wake up call* about what lengths she might be willing to go to to incriminate you in this situation. Wariness is indicated.
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My mind is racing and I feel like I need to take action, but don't know what to do right now. I feel myself getting caught in emotions again. I was in JB mode. I need to snap out of it before she contacts me again.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Settle down GJM. You've done just fine. Don't blow it now. Stay calm, cool and collected, no matter what she throws at you. Good answer about not being in high school anymore, but stay alert. Have you talked to your command yet?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I haven't spoken to them yet. I wonder if she can transfer the prepaid minutes to another phone by saying she lost it. Last night she told me she went and bought a wi fi connector for the computer and promised that she didn't buy another prepaid phone. I checked the price of the connector and our accounts and they add up. I was thinking they could have given her another prepaid phone, but I'm not sure how she would have been able to pay for it. I know the OM is on leave and at home with his W. Of course I believe anything is possible.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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I have the exact same feeling as justpassingthru! She is trying to set you up and manipulate you into an assault charge. Since charges are pending against him, you need to steer clear of that loser now. Your wife is very manipulative! It's funny, I had the opposite impression after reading that. To me, she was saying he didn't care enough about her or the marriage to get mad or upset. Regardless, it was still her picking some random thing that she perceived to be his fault and deflecting with it. But I agree, a VAR wouldn't be a bad idea.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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I haven't spoken to them yet. I wonder if she can transfer the prepaid minutes to another phone by saying she lost it. Last night she told me she went and bought a wi fi connector for the computer and promised that she didn't buy another prepaid phone. I checked the price of the connector and our accounts and they add up. I was thinking they could have given her another prepaid phone, but I'm not sure how she would have been able to pay for it. I know the OM is on leave and at home with his W. Of course I believe anything is possible. The WiFi is probably for accessing their email account.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Relax about the prepaid.
She could get the minutes on a new phone if she had the IMEI for the one she can't find.
She could also get another phone for 9.99 cash if she wanted to.
She could be using the internet to connect with OM.
All to be expected. Figure she probably is but don't let that put you in a tizzy.
Continue to state your boundaries as a strong and righteous man. Calmly. Clearly.
If the affair ends and she means business to recover her family and the marriage, you will have more clues about it than now and you will know what to do AND by then, she will have figured out what a prize you are vs him.
While she is still vacilating, you show your best stuff and prove to yourself you don't need her but are willing to throw a rope to her should she chose to grab hold of it to pull herself back.
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I'm glad she got the wi fi connector. I put a keylogger on the computer a month and a half ago. I'm hoping she will use it, but so far it's just the kids.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Also, I've just been contacted by the investigator to provide photos of WW for surveilance cameras at her work. If she gets fired, I'm going to be in for some real drama...if I'm lucky she will want to come home and agree to a recovery program from MB. If not, I believe she will try to move to a different county. She already said she didn't want to be here anymore.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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I have the exact same feeling as justpassingthru! She is trying to set you up and manipulate you into an assault charge. Since charges are pending against him, you need to steer clear of that loser now. Your wife is very manipulative! It's funny, I had the opposite impression after reading that. To me, she was saying he didn't care enough about her or the marriage to get mad or upset. Regardless, it was still her picking some random thing that she perceived to be his fault and deflecting with it. But I agree, a VAR wouldn't be a bad idea. The reason I think she is setting him up is because a) she is very manipulative and b) he has brought charges against the OM which can be mitigated if GJM if does something stupid like assault him. How credible would be GJM be if he had assaulted the OM? If she were serious about getting back with him, it wouldn't take all that. But if her goal was to set him up, it would be.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, I've just been contacted by the investigator to provide photos of WW for surveilance cameras at her work. If she gets fired, I'm going to be in for some real drama...if I'm lucky she will want to come home and agree to a recovery program from MB. If not, I believe she will try to move to a different county. She already said she didn't want to be here anymore. What investigator?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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