WW called me about 11 last night and asked me to come over. She said she was having a lot of side pain. I went and took care of her. She fell asleep so I was about to leave an hour later when she asked me to stay. I said that she fell asleep and she said because I was there. I stayed the night and she kept telling me how grateful she was. She also said she misses me and that she was sorry about lying about the prepaid phone. Her reason for having it was in case some guy gave her their phone number, I wouldn't be checking her phone bill. She said I probably had the phone anyway and that she just wanted to be honest about it. I told her I didn't have it (gave it to the command) and she was welcome to look for it.

WW kept thanking me for staying with her and said that I'm the one person in the world that has always been there for her. I just smiled at her. I was going to leave at 6 in the morning, but she made me coffee and I stayed another two and a half hours.

While she was looking for her prepaid phone last night, she asked the kids if they had seen it because it was her friend's phone and tried to offer the kids money. They didn't buy into it and my DS11 sent me a text right away. She still has no idea where the phone is. Now I need to figure out what to do next. I was there for her when she needed me, but I don't think the A is dead yet. Hopefully she no longer has a way to contact him without exposing him or her by using work phones or email.

As far as physical contact goes, I'm not sure. I know that phone contact is there for sure. Each time they get caught, they become smarter and smarter, but my WW hasn't thought about the kids helping out yet. I'm sure she will try something else.

No, the affair isn't dead yet and I suspect she was feeding you a whole line of bull about the phone. See, she was trying to be nice to you (butter you up) to get the phone back or, at least, see what happened to it. Notice how she lied to the kids about the phone and tried to bribe them into spilling the beans.

If a poop-storm starts next week with command over the phone, you'll know what your wife is *really* thinking by her reaction. If she doesn't blame it all on you, then that'd be a good thing.

I'd keep quiet about the phone and just wait and see what happens. But I think you're doing good with the Plan A!

Just to keep in mind for later, she/they probably have a few secret email accounts as well.

My FWW had four going at one time. Backup emails for backup emails. It was nuts!

The kids are at your house, right?

Why not plan a good dinner tonight and then ask if your WW would like to come over. Be nonchalant about it...as though you were going to be having this good time and thought she might like to stop by as well. No big deal if she cannot do it.

It'd be one more bonus-point for your side and will leave a pleasant memory in her mind. That would be especially good if next week goes like you think it will re: command and the phone.

The kids are with her this week. I checked my phone bill and she keeps calling her prepaid trying to find it. She said she threw up. I think she has anxiety because she lost her phone and maybe can't get ahold of OM. Or she is feeling guilty because I was there for her and she loves the OM.

Do you think there will be any consequences from your command over your WW still talking to OM? Just wondering what, if anything, may happen as a result.

Sorry, I forget--Is your wife military, too?

My WW is not military. The OM will have to deal with his own consequences. I fear Plan B is coming soon because the OM is giving up his own family and career for my W. I don't want this guy around my kids. They just won't quit.

I wish you and OMW could find it in your fortitude to offer the wayturds full custody of all 8 kids. That would surely erode the affair fantasy, 1br apartment arrangement.

I mean explode.

Wouldn't everyone love to have a low-paying gym job, a dishonorably discharged boyfriend, and 8 kids in a one-bedroom apartment???

Remember they are still fuelled by the high of the affair. They will give up anything for that high. So the cost of the A needs to be super high. The more pressure the world puts on them - the higher the cost. The more stuff they give up for the affair, the more pressure put on their relationship. One careless word and the 'I gave up everything for you' argument is triggered.

You are doing FANTASTIC.

And your son! Amazing. Its like James Bond and mini-JB.

I went to pick up DS11 and WW started telling me that I didn't fight for her and that I should have confronted the OM. She said she wanted to feel wanted and appreciated. I told her I have been fighting for our marriage this whole time. She said I was running to my command instead of confronting her about everything. I told her that I did confront her and she lied constantly. She said I didn't get angry enough and I should have grabbed her by the arm and yelled at her. I told her that I could get in trouble for doing that and wasn't willing to be physical. She said she wouldn't have gone to anyone.

She started saying that she wanted us to be a family again, but didn't know how we could with all the damage that has been done. I told her about the Harleys and that I would spend every penny we had if she was willing to speak with them and commit to a marriage recovery program. She asked where the Harleys were located and said she would consider reading Surviving an affair.

She said she was embarrassed about all of the exposure and feels like she can't show her face again and that she has a hard time looking in the mirror. She told me that because of that, she wants to move. I told her that would be a good option to move as family so we could build a new marriage, but it would take work. Then she started saying that there were so many lies and mistrust and how can we move on from it all. I told her that it's not just about her or me. It's about our children too and what's the worst that can happen if we rebuild our marriage with the help of the Harleys. She said she part of her wants to and part of her doesn't.

I wish I knew how to get her to commit to the Harleys program. I felt like I was so close. I called her to tell her something and she said she was tired of lying and wants to be honest from here on out. She wants to focus on us and the kids. I told her I love her before I got off the phone and she said she loved me too. She then called back and said she meant to say "I love you too". I don't want to keep talking about what we can do. I want to actually do something about it. I left her in thought and told her that I was the best person in life that could make her happy and she was the best person that could make me happy.

If I can get her to agree to talk to the Harleys, where do we start?

Wow, sounds like you had a productive day. I'm glad to hear that you guys are making some progress!

Before anything will ever go anywhere, she's going to have to agree to NC with the OM and send him a NC letter. Remember, when speaking of him, to refer to him as "Jane's husband" and not his first name.

Here's a list of "things to do" that MelodyLane posts...you need to set the bar high here so that you're not in for a false recovery. If she'll agree to that list, then I'd set up an appointment next week.


She'll need to move home as well, but only if she's going to knock off all this crap and get with the program. You have to portray to her that you won't stay married at all costs, and that these are things that she must do for YOU to stay married to HER. That doesn't mean you have to brow beat her, of course. Just be matter-of-fact, mean what you say and don't lose your cool.

Oh, and this mess with the commander about who you can and cannot talk to will have to be undone. You will want to continue your snooping without her knowing, of course, so (if she gets back in the house) get a keylogger on her computer, spyware on her phone, etc.

Try not to be too surprised if she backs off and gets distant again--especially if she gets in touch with OM. It's called a rollercoaster for a reason.

You're doing great, by the way!

Oh, and get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" if you haven't done so already.

Would it be beneficial for her to read it as well?

She is no where ready to read it.

I'm thinking she may be hesitant to come home and she will be going back and forth about saving our marriage. The first thing I need to do is give her my conditions. The next thing would be to get her home?

GJM-

Haven't been here long enough to give advice (obviously) but just wanted to let you know I'm hoping and praying your wife can pull her head out of her fourth point of contact long enough to realize what's she's on the verge of losing. I've been following your thread since the beginning, and calling your actions and perseverance incredible would be an understatement. Your love for her is obvious to everyone but the one person to whom it should be obvious. It's amazing that all can see what one can't.

Keep up your quest soldier. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Wes

Wes,

Thanks so much for that reply. Men aren't supposed get all choked up over what other guys say, but I'll be honest, you got me on that one. The support I've gotten here has been great and I appreciate it all.

She is testing her backup plan , you. There is no way she is ready to start a true recovery, once she renews contact with the OM the affair is back on.

Who made that rule?