Wish I could post a pic of my awesome pro-looking cookies, but I can't figure it out.

I don't know how to post pics either. I haven't done my cookie baking yet. Maybe today!

Good ideas for Christmas eve. I doubt my teenage boys would go for just salad,lol, but the other stuff is doable!

Love your German idea!

And yes - the circle of need-meeting is definitely GOOD.

Upload the picture to a photobucket account, and just insert the link.

Thanks for that tidbit, CP!

Wanted to wish everyone a VERY Merry Christmas!

H and I went to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra last night and they were INCREDIBLE! Loved it! We had such a good time! I highly recommend it.

I'm very thankful this Christmas for all my blessings - and to have a great family that's been put back together. I appreciate so much the advice and support I receive here, that's helped that happen.

H and I went to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra last night

Hard to believe! They are playing right now in our home, and my bride and I are going to see their matinee show Monday!

My son took his wife last night and they loved it! Merry Christmas, my dear friend!

NG - if you haven't seen them live before you are in for a real treat!

Merry Christmas to you to Mel, and many blessings as you give so much to everyone - I hope it comes full circle back to you!

Sunny:

Merry Christmas and have a wonderful New Year. This Christmas was SO much better than last year. I hope your's was, too.

With all the shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning, video projects, oh and work, I don't think I gave FWH's affair even a stray thought on Christmas Day.

Next year, I hope to have ot banished altogether!!!!

Cheers,
SP

Thanks, SP! It was GREAT! H and I had agreed ahead of time about how much we were going to spend on each other and we both got really thoughtful gifts for each other. AND...the best part - H gave me a card that was incredibly beautiful and meaningful. It made me tear up. We had a fabulous, relaxing day. The only bad part was D20 had to go back to college town last night, which I hated. (Had to work today.)

And yes - this Christmas was much better than last year's! Last year's was not bad - but I remember that memories and triggers were still very much a part of my thought process at the time. This year - NOT AT ALL. OK - once: my daughter mentioned a guy she has recently gotten to know in college and guess where he's from? Yep - same place as where OW lives! Not just the same state, but the same, dang city! She told me that on Wed. night, but other than that, no triggers! So, yeah - hopefully next year you and I both will have totally stray-thought free Christmases!

Going to see War Horse today - been looking forward to seeing it since we started seeing previews for it.

Two weeks from today will be our 21st anniversary. It's hard, financially, that it's so close to Christmas. I need to start thinking of some ideas to make it special that don't cost a fortune. Any ideas???

On another note, I am dreading taking down the Christmas tree and decorations. It's always so sad for me... This darn, overcast weather of late hasn't helped at all!

Read half of HNHN last night. H had been reading it the last several weeks and just got it back to me. (As a refresher, we decided to go through it since it'd been a year. Needs change from just after recovery back to more normalcy.) Anyway, it made me trigger! I felt quite a bit of sadness over some of the statements made, even though I've always known them to be true. To have the reality smack me in the face again that H will always love OW - and that sex was so great - is tough! Yes, I know that it's because the affair was a fantasy world, not reality. I also know that what we have is much deeper and will become even stronger. But, those thoughts did not take the pain away. I even had an awful dream last night!

I have not said anything about this to H. I do not want to bring up the affair. When I woke up from the nightmare (H had taken me to visit Skank!) I sorta woke him up and snuggled with him a bit. That helped.

Here's the problem: I have a tendency to go from sad to mad - to being hurt, to wanting to lash out, even if just with my thoughts. I start thinking things like, "He should be doing more right now, for me!" Or the ever-simmering, "Well, my needs weren't being met pre-crisis either, but I didn't go cheat!"

Thankfully I have learned to bite my tongue and not lovebust due to my thoughts. I am, however, trying to figure out how to constructively deal with this.

Triggers are never fun. These certainly aren't the worst I've had, so that's the good news. I just wish certain parts of HNHN could be read once and then erased! LOL

There were parts of HNHN that were very hard for me to read--the SF part was the main one I remember as being hard. I listened to the CD and tended to visualize THOSE two together instead of H & me together even though we had and still have a great love life. So yes, in some ways HNHN is a glaring reminder of all the hurts of the A as well as the shortfalls in a marriage. And same for Love Busters.

With a big HOWEVER, can you look back to your pre-A marriage and say that today's marriage is better? The goal of the program and the requirement of recovery from adultery is that the marriage must be noticeably better than before--part of the whole just compensation package.

Are your emotional needs being met in the way you would like? Has your H ended all love busters? Is he keeping up with the EPs? Are you and he getting in the required and very precious UA time?

If you ask your H, would he also say the same about his needs being met, etc?

Have you discussed the chapters in HNHN?

Yep - very hard to read some things, but in that, crucial reality checks are presented as you stated, LWFH.

Just to add - it doesn't help that one of the "couples" Dr. Harley discusses in the book are the names of my H and OW! THAT, in itself, is very hard for me to read.

I can honestly say that yes, our marriage is much better in certain ways than pre-affair. In others, it's the same, but we are working on bettering those parts. That's just it - our marriage was not really bad before the crisis. Oh, we were not connecting on some levels, but as we go through the needs and LBs, we both did decent jobs in a lot of areas. BUT...I realize, as Dr. H says, it's not good enough to bat 800, you've got to bat 1000.

Now that we've both re-read HNHN (I just finished today) we will discuss it thoroughly. I'm hoping that helps with the triggers from reading. We have all weekend together - so, plenty of time to go over it. We've had lots of UA time since I've been on break from classes, but need to up the quality, I believe.

Mostly, things have gone very well this past month. I'm focusing on that while trying to decide how best to tell H that I have been triggered, with the reading....

I can imagine how a young woman could understand HNHN in laymans terms, and not see deeper into a mans ENs than sexual.

I can also see how men could do the same thing, and provide only the bare basics that the average womens emotions cry out for.

These needs are just natural, and weaknesses also, and tender places we have as humans.

It would seem that we would at least hold up each other in those needs, and be ready to address others also, that would enrich each others lives.

But make no mistake, they are priorities, maybe thats why the bible addreses them as important for spiritual clarity.

You accually are part of each other, and become one flesh, and each other is affected with whatever the other does.

But my point here is, that the needs are not given to retain power to control the other, but to give to each other, so they're is no loss or wanting.

Yeah its spiritual, and as close to heaven that I can imagine, when nothing is missing

I tend to trigger about SF during SF. Bleh. I physically have to shake it off.





Anyways, other triggers...


First - UA, UA, UA. If you aren't getting that time in and the LB$ balance dips, your mood will set your mind a-triggering.

Second - I find that I will trigger if I fail to keep myself busy. For me, boredom feeds depressive episodes. Also; caffeine crashes - don't know if you drink coffee, or soda, or red bull... but physiological crashes, as caffeine running out, lead to depressive episodes. You will usually notice a physical "feel" to this before the mind gets working. Identify that, and keep busy, engage your mind before it starts ruminating over triggers.

Third - Rest. Make sure you are getting plenty of rest. Fatigue is physiologically depressing.


Last - know your plan! When you trigger, or when you get down, focus on here and now, and the future as according to your plan. Or, adjust your future plan - plan for more UA time (hey, I got a restaurant coupon on the back of my grocery receipt! we should go try that restaurant!).


Also, if I remember right, you are in OR - look up McMenamin's - they have several Hotels in NW OR. NGB and I stayed at the Grand Lodge last March on a package deal that included breakfast and dinner (it's continental breakfast on the weekends) - and most of the sites have a movie theater!

It was a fantastic weekend, and worth every penny!

This year, we are going to hit the Edgefield, and probably do the old Columbia Gorge highway again.

...trying to decide how best to tell H that I have been triggered...

It's true that bringing up the A months later is an LB, but bringing up the appearence of a trigger is most certainly something that your FWH should be made aware of, if it's of any duration at all (and lasting long enough to still be on your mind while posting here is long enough). We settled on a distinctive green notebook. If either of us had a bad moment, we would jot it down in that thing, and leave it for the other, who would respond (usually in writing). The book was available at all times, even if the other was momentarily away.

Also, consciously set up "trigger-fighters" that you can activate. I paraphrased Thomas Edison's, "Well, I now know that that will not work as a filament...." as he ran through hundreds of attempts, by saying, "Okay, that address, or reading, is now behind me as a trigger, and will not intrude again."

I definitely saw beyond the sexual elements for H. I also understand them. I happen to be pretty high-drive myself, so that didn't bother me at all. What bothered me was the comment about sex with the affair partner being so great - because it exists in the fantasy world. Oh, I KNEW that, from reading before - I just didn't like being reminded of it - or the fact that he shared something so intimate, with someone else. (Not that I'd forgotten, mind you, but it had stopped being so forefront in my mind.)

Actually, H insists that SF isn't his top need. I can see why that would be true - because it's something he's never lacked! lol Even pre-crisis we were a 3 times a week couple. His affair was definitely NOT because of lack of SF need-meeting.

But... what you are saying is not lost on me, CP. We affect each other greatly, even in moments when we think we do not. It's the way it's supposed to be!

Thanks, HHH. You make some EXCELLENT points. I am sure that triggering comes a lot more easily when I have too much time on my hands to think and re-think! With Christmas over and classes not starting back for me for a couple of weeks, I didn't have anything to take my mind elsewhere when the triggers came on.

I'm bad with caffeine too!

I do need a better plan of action for triggers. I'll have to think on the best ways to handle it. I know they most often persist when I am not with H. The worst triggers are when he is as work and I am home alone - or the boys are home but engaged in their own worlds. The problem tends to be that I get emotionally upset and then I don't feel like doing anything. Maybe I'm giving into the wallowing too easily!

Not in Oregon - but H has family there so maybe I've mentioned it. We're in the great state of Texas.

Well, Sunny... One of my IB/AH things prior to Dday was gaming. To the point my kids joked the computer was my "girlfriend."

The morning after ILYBINILWY I deleted all of my games and canceled all accounts. 10 months later, I was in school and working reduced hours to accommodate. At that time, I kept triggering and spiraling so bad, that there wasn't enough housework or homework to keep my mind busy.

So, I set one game back up for the times I need to occupy myself (NGB and I are currently on opposing schedules, hopefully rectified by Feb).

Some hobby that can occupy your mind, not just your time, will help.

I like the notebook idea, NG!

It seems to be a trend that H and I resort to email. We both like it, at least to initially discuss something, because we both can state things more objectively in email - or in writing - than talking.

I did tell H I was having triggers yesterday, and I thought it out carefully before telling him.

Here's my issue with talking to H (talk OR email): every time I tell him I am triggering or that I need to discuss my feelings with him, he always come back with his "stuff." That's not what I need when I am triggered! If he has "stuff" then he should address it when he's having it - not when I bring up that I'm feeling sad. Is that wrong of me to think that way? It's not that I feel he's being defensive - OK, sometimes I think he is, but that he wants to make sure I know I have faults too, or something. I don't know.

Example: I told him yesterday about triggers from reading the book. Instead of getting comforted, guess what I got? I got SOME support, but then a paragraph about how he felt I spent too much money at Christmas and it made him stressed.

OK: he certainly had the right to express what he saw as IB from me. I get that. (Although, we discussed Christmas spending together, each step along the way, but that's another discussion.) Even if I HAD committed a LB, he should talk to me about that when it happens or whatever, NOT when I am triggering!

SO: I am left with feeling that either he just comes up with something negative about me because I am talking about being upset... or he is waiting until I bring up something so he has a chance to discuss his issues too. Either way, it's not the way it should go! When I am triggering, I need comforting; it's not the time to discuss issues. That's another time. Sure, I was not perfect in our marriage and had my 50% to deal with in terms of why our marriage got to where it was - and him having the affair. But dang - an affair violates SO much within a person... it is BEYOND tit for tat, in my opinion.

This is something that has always bothered me in our marriage, come to think of it. Nothing can EVER be just about me or my feelings. That's why I avoided talking with him about things for so many years. I never wanted to get into those fights of escalation. You know, "Well YOU did this, and I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't of..." It's not productive. If he has issues with me, he should come to me with them when it's appropriate and not wait until I have something to say, right?

Anyway... I'm totally off track now, but it's something that needs addressing - along with triggers.

If you have any good tried and true trigger-fighters, I could use some ideas!!!