"A combination of Plan A and Plan B. �For men, I recommend that they stick to Plan A as long as possible, even going the entire two years. �For women, I recommend only three weeks of Plan A, as it greatly affects their health to remain in Plan A too long. �I got the book Surviving an Affair off to you today."

That can't be true. They cannot legally command that you stop contacting the OM's wife. You didn't do that, did you? Are you still in touch with her?

Mel,
I'm sorry to say that it is true. The OM requested it and I was ordered to cease all contact. If I violate the order, I'm subject to military disciplinary action-article 92-disobeying a lawful order.

ahhhh, he doesn't want you to interfere with his affair. Nice. But someone like ME could contact her! If you need someone to do that, let me know.

Did she contact you and tell you they were still in contact?

MelodyLane makes a good point: do you have some family member that could contact OMW and let her know about affair phone #2?

The point may be moot if she really is filing for a divorce, but I don't see how it would hurt. By the way, who told you they were divorcing?

That is a nice gesture Mel. My no contact order says that I can't communicate through a third party either. She did not contact me about the phone. My son gave me the phone and I read the texts and turned it over to the investigator as well as the receipt from the store.

A senior member in my command knows the OMW and has told her what's been going on. That member told me that they had to step away from the case because they are too invested. The OMW didn't file for divorce as she stated she was going to do yesterday.

In fact she is in denial because she didn't see the texts herself and believes that he hasn't been alone to make the texts. She is in the process of reconciliation and says he's been up her butt to make things right. This isn't the first time he's been caught cheating and she has a hard time divorcing him because she doesn't want to be left with nothing. From what I understand, they pray together each day and are going to church. I am not naive enough to think he's sincere. I believe it's all an act.

That same senior member of my command says that the OM wishes to apologize to me so I can forgive him. There is no way I'm going to accept an apology for what has taken place.

I did confront WW about the new prepaid phone and she keeps denying it. My 8 year old saw it and she said it's her friends, but when I told her that, she said nope. I asked her if my 8 year old was lying and she said she doesn't have a new phone. I contacted one of the numbers in the old phone and demanded that they stop contacting my WW. I don't know if it was the OM, but geez! How many men do I have to chase away?? I don't think that person will stop contacting her, but this is a huge nightmare!

Thinking about what Mel said, I think it would be great for all of us to band together to help BS end affairs by exposure and things like that. I know I'd help out if I could. Imagine the WS and OP getting bombarded by a bunch of MB members.

I was going through my wife's things and was putting her stuff in bags when I ran across a letter that she wrote two years ago. I'd like to share it with you:

Today is Aug 12, I have been home since Saturday. Although Saturday-Monday were great, Tuesday and Wednesday were probably the two worst days of my life. He now tells me he doesn't know if he can get over it (the affair). Why couldn't he tell me that a week ago? Why was he acting like he wanted this to work and eventually with time everything would be better, we would be stronger. He manipulated me to get me back in this house. I hate being here and knowing he's coming home soon. Makes me wanna cry.

He looks at me with such hatred!!! I knew he could never get over it, that's why I left in the first place so I wouldn't have to go through this. I was stupid to believe anything that came out of his mouth. To believe he can change. People don't change. Accept them and love them for who they are or leave. I need to stay focused and tell myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I deserve so much more from myself. I want more for my kids. Don't they deserve a mom that's happy? Will I ever be happy with him?

He has the upper hand right now because of what I did and he's using that to control me and everything else. Is control really a sign of abuse? I have never been so depressed in my life. We go to Arizona tomorrow (me and the kids) I can't wait. It will be so nice to get away. -End of letter

Finding this letter saddens me. The things she says or her perception of me was totally false. I never looked at her with hatred. Hurt, but not hatred. Makes me so sad to read this. How dumb do I feel for believing her tell me how happy she was. I wish I would have remembered MB at the time. It's hard to fight back the tears.

The WS demonizes the BS to avoid feeling guilt, taking responsibility or changing.

Honestly - I dont thing anything any wayward does is at all unique - they all share the same tiny brain.

I find it very interesting that upon seeing your hurt, she turns this into 'hatred' and 'control'

As if there were anything more controlling and cruel tahn gaslighting and cheating and justification making. Which is what this letter is all about.

Put it in the bin where it belongs. Its fog babble.

I guess she expected me to get over it the day she came home.

LOL.

Well that WOULD have helped her stuff the guilt under the rug. Her guilt gets in the way of continuing to cheat on you dontcha know.

You havent put a foot wrong in your recovery attempts. And it isnt even your mess to clean up.

She is struggling with the 'how can I eat my cake - but keep it forever' conundrum. Also known as the 'how can I kick my BH in the b0llocks continually and get him to like it'? paradox.

I guess it just makes me sad that no matter how hard I try, I can't make her happy.

She's just taken up residence in Vanity Fair, that's all.

What makes her "happy" is being changed because of her selfishness and determination to do what she wants to be "happy."

That is a load of fog-babbled bs. It means nothing.

That's why she left, so she would not face consquences, wah wah not have to go through this. You tricked her!

Rubbish.

Something else I just found are two books. "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. The other is called "The Healthy Marriage Handbook" from the editors of Marriage Partnership Magazine.

Interesting finds. There were various highlighted areas in the first book. I never seen WW read any books before so it was a surprise to see these under some clothes in the closet. I wonder what else I can find.

The Waywards Handbook?
Surely one day one of us betrayed will actually find the script they all read from...

And here is another congratulations on an exposure to be proud of. Following your thread and cheering for you GJM.

My DS11 with the S on his chest just told me he was going to confront WW about her prepaid phone. I told him I didn't want him to put himself through the stress of it, but he said he didn't care. He wants our family back together as much as I do. I swear I love that guy.

I want to say thank you for all the support and advice that you all have given to me since I've been here. I know I might get 2x4d for this, but I think things have come to an end. I got a lot of wayward talk this morning. WW has said a lot of destructive things to me that are unbearable. No matter how much I Plan A, I just get cut down repeatedly. I can't bear to keep being nice only to get stepped on any longer. She has a very hardened heart. She said I only want to get my way and that I couldn't keep things in house and tried to get her fired from her job.

When I stated that I was sorry for how she felt, she said she hopes it was worth it. I didn't play into the arguments at all. I just let her know that I was sorry for my part in everything and was willing to build a new marriage if she was willing to commit to a recovery program through MB. She said that she sees that I don't care for her and I don't love her. I just want to get my way so I can control her. She said everything is a double standard and I've had 13 years to make her happy and I've failed.

When I told her that the investigator wanted to talk to her, she said I was lying and that they wouldn't go through me to contact her. I just gave her the investigator's phone number. She said that there's been too many lies on both parts and she can't trust me. I stated that I was sorry she feels that way, but I'm not lying and have nothing to gain from it. She told me to move on with my life and find someone that was willing to meet my needs because she wasn't going to change who she was.

There was a lot more said, but I think you get the point. The only thing I can think of now is to just go dark and let her try to make it on her own. When I said that me and the kids wanted to be a family again, she said to stop putting them in the middle. I said they tell me this and just wanted her to know. She keeps saying that there is no us and that the guy she was talking to is just a friend. I asked her if friends say that they can't live without you, I love you, I miss you, I need you and she said sure they do. I asked her if our DD13 said these things and we asked her about it, what would she say if that's the answer that was given. Of course I got no answer.

She is very manipulative as we all know and it keeps getting worse. I ended the phone calll with telling her that I love her and if she ever changes her mind, to let me know. It hurt me to be calm and take all the abuse she threw at me, but I know I can't do anything further. She has the belief that I just want to control her and that I don't really love her. I just want her for convenience. There's a lot of anger and hate inside of her that only she and God can fix.

I fear that her lack of morals and character will negatively influence my children. I am working and researching how to win custody of them now. It's a war that I hope I have the energy for. I will need lots of support and prayer in order to get through this. If for some reason a miracle happens, I will definitely update everyone, but I doubt that she will straighten up any time soon. She grow further into darkness and evil with each passing day. I will probably be exploring the divorce section and seeing what advice I can get there. Of course I will lurk here daily, but I don't want to use this as a blog when there is no hope for me.

Thanks again everyone. I'll be in touch (maybe).

I agree with everything but this. There's plenty hope for you! I'll put my money right now on you finding happiness and a personal recovery.

Success around here means not taking the gaslighting, having healthy boundaries, and not settling for anything less than a healthy marriage.

Which you have done.

I am in a similar position in that I am not heading for marital recovery but probably personal recovery.

I have been 'blogging' for two reasons:

1) Plan B is rough at the beginning, especially the withdrawal - I needed the support here and I got it.
2) When Plan B starts to pay off and you get happier, its nice to tell others about it. Some people on here are very scared to go 'dark' they see it as lonely and not benefitting them.

Of course RL support is best, but dont feel you cant get support here when you need it. I also think you would be a great example to others.

Live in the moment, building the best day you can.
You don't need a crystal ball to know the future.
Be okay with not having to make proclamations of the marriage being done for good or not done for good.
Work your plan to survive this experience the best you can and accept that only time will tell you the ultimate outcome.

It is a critical shift in consciousness. It is a good way to live life. Since, it is the way things are in general.