If you don�t already have a copy of Surviving an Affair, we will send you a complementary copy. �Just email your address. �The reference couple that I use, Sue and Jon, had a situation where Sue�s affair had to die a natural death before they could get their marriage back. �Although your case is similar, the fact that there may be a second affair makes it less likely that you will be able to survive. �Your wife may go from one man to another indefinitely, with none of them lasting very long. �I�d give it two years of plan A. �After that I would not hold out much hope because she will use you when things are going badly, and then look for another man when she feels better. �I�ve known many men who have held out for their unfaithful wives for years only to watch them cheat on and on. �Don�t go beyond two years. �

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Ah. Two years of plan A.

I see. He recommends, if you can bare it to
not lovebust
to show what a cool guy you are
to know that you are competing with her scum bucket OM(s) and to wait and see for two years and then to file D and move on.

That is reasonable.

If you can't bear to be in plan A, if your Taker is hissing, spitting and can't refrain from lovebusting, then you can do plan B and see what happens in the next two years.
That would be that
You set up your safe environment of an IM, writer her a love letter outlining a marriage with you should she choose to have one
Give her the letter and have zero contact with her for two years and if she has not ended her betraying of you, cut your losses and divorce her or if you are divorced in that period of time, then, in two years, start to date.

He is saying either way, don't date for two years. Be a good guy. No lovebusting. Build your own self and future and experience life without her as a partner unless she gets it together and becomes the woman you need in a marriage.

He is saying do not wait over two years for her to come to her senses.

Two years goes by really fast, btw.

Kidwise, if you go to plan B, you will learn how to somehow manage events. It works. It isn't all sunshine and butterflies but more of steel and diamonds approach wise.

They learn that by having poor boundaries they get needs met - admiration etc. So they keep those boundaries low for the dopamine hits they get from the attention. Sad. But Plan A and Plan B is the most you can do to encourage her out of waywardness. The rest is up to her.



Two years is the time limit on the plans overall. As Dr H says 95 per cent of affairs end in two years. However the wayward then has to agree to recovery conditions - and some of them like being in poor relationships where they can be secretive!

Did he say anything about how long your Plan A should be? Six months is usually the recommended time.

I agree with others that you have done a sterling job on Plan A! Dr H is prob referring to the fact that WWs are tougher to bring around than WHs and the multiple affair factor - but you never know. And for me personally, knowing I gave it my best shot is priceless to me and stops me looking backwards.

I am currently in Plan B and assuming my wayward is going to stay wayward. Its better that way actually because in Plan B you have to focus entirely on yourself and own goals - forget them in essence.

Plan B is great. And you have the strength to be a good Plan Ber, for which the emphasis is on building a tremendous life for you and your children - which WW will only be allowed to join if she starts being significantly more impressive, and worthy of you.

Ok, I see now. He's saying if she agrees to recovery conditions on the death of her affair, which should be within two years, she is willing to aim for a good relationship

If not - or if there are a series of affairs - she wants to be a serial cheat and there is no hope.

The fact there is another affair makes the latter scenario slightly more likely.

However isnt he recommending a very long Plan A - two years? Can anyone explain the theory there? I thought it was six months for men...

I'd email back for clarification of his recommendation

continue Plan A for two years
or
at a juncture during the two years, go to Plan B.

How to decide when or if to go to plan B during this journey.

What criteria is used to decide when a man leaves Plan A and goes to a Plan B?

I replied back to Dr Harley and asked if he could clarify for me. Two years is a long time, but not in comparison to a life time of possible happiness. It's been a rough few months already. I caught a glimpse at WW phone and saw a text from her sister that said we could come back from this. I didn't get to see much else or her response, but I'd like to know what else was said.

Are you in touch with her family...asking them to intervene, etc.?

Indie, I think Dr. H is recommending this for THIS poster because he is a BH and not a BW. Dr. H has always said he recommends a shorter time period of Plan A for women versus men. It's not a hard and fast rule and I think alot depends on the emotional stability of the BH or the BW. Some people can't go very long without having a mental break, others can. I think the point Dr. H was making was more of a warning not to go beyond two years as opposed to staying in Plan A for two years.

I'm glad to see he write him back for clarification though.

No I'm not, although her BIL checks on me some times. I did reach out to her family and was told to work on me by SIL. Step SIL was out there saying all these bad things. I guess that's why she's a single mom in her 30s and has never been married.

I know why he told him to stay in Plan A for 2 years. He hopes that GJM will fall completely out of love and grow to loathe her. That will make it easier for him to move on. I have heard him tell guys that before.

GJM, I still do not get why you are paying her bills, though? You don't have a court order.

Hi Mel,
Her bills are getting paid because of the amount that I am required to give her. The car is in both are names though so unless I want my credit to suffer, I need to pay it until the court orders her to put it in her name.

I guess what I'm hearing is that he thinks I should move on, but doesn't think I can and eventually I'll grow to loathe her and then move on. I could move on; my self esteem isn't the issue. I have had women hit on me a lot, especially when I was a Drill Instructor. I am just a huge believer in family and I have boundaries and respect for what marriage stands for.

I'll admit when I came here, like many BS I was lost and didn't know who I was anymore. All I knew was I wanted my WW back and I was hurt. Then I started to see why the Vets were getting impatient with me because I was hesitant to make a decision. Most of the stories here are the same, but newly BS on MB don't take the time to read them or follow the advice (at first). The Vets know the story and can predict the actions that would follow based on our comments and lack of fortitude, but it's the vets that give us that courage. Of course we get 2x4d to death and don't understand why. I see why now...

I actually don't know how you vets don't get tired of repeating your selves. You must have a word doc and just copy and paste lol...

Seriously though, I do appreciate your insight and thoughts. I wouldn't have lasted this long without you guys.

GJ, you are required by WHOM to pay her bills? Do you have a court order to do this? Because paying her bills is very destructive and only serves to enable her. That is money that should rightfully go to you and your children. You are propping up her affair this way.

"I actually don't know how you vets don't get tired of repeating your selves. You must have a word doc and just copy and paste lol..."

Yes, I do!!

I think he said his command requires it. I believe they also told/ordered him to stop contacting OM's wife after his WW complained about it.

I'm sure there's a reason somewhere behind their thinking?

Right, there is an order that outlines how much support each dependent will receive during separation. The commanding officer will do a worksheet calculation to determine how much I have to pay each month until a divorce is finalized. I don't give her any money. I pay the bills myself because I'm on them. It adds up to more than what I'm required to give her so she doesn't get anything really. Just satisfaction in knowing our credit is still good.

I read every single one of MelodyLane's posts for about two or three months before I caught on to the fact that she was repeating herself. Apparently it takes awhile for some of these things to sink in!

Need to work on getting immediate custody of those children. Hire a bull dog - it will be money well spent.

Men must be wired very differently. That would drive me completely nuts to Plan A that long.

It would most definitely work though.

In Plan B, I am gradually losing love for my H because I am not being 'chased'. He's made no steps to act on the request for NC in the Plan B letter. After some time I will be ready for divorce.

I see that BHs would not need to be chased as much though, so a lengthier Plan A would help them get over the marriage, while doing the most active things they can to bust up the affair. Chasing the WW. It's all predicated on the idea women like to be pursued - which I do agree with.

Very interesting

Oh, gotcha.

He's saying don't go beyond two years. Sorry, my confusion. How long do you want to go, GJM?

Remember, there is carrot AND stick in Plan A. Being in Plan A doesn't mean she can manipulate and take advantage of you.

I'm not really sure I can say how long I can stay in Plan A. Ideally it would be as long as it takes, but I don't want to be chasing after her for too long. Some times I feel like there is some one else out there that would treat me with respect an admiration. I want to be cherished and adored. If I do this too long, it might scare me away from relationships. I don't have a desire to be with anyone else and it would take some time to heal. I am not in a hurry to date.

So I'll Plan A a little while longer. WW leaned her head on my shoulders at DS11 concert. She initiated a hug before I went home. She does these roller coaster things, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I try to stay in JB mode.