Hi I have been sent over here from another infidelity site.

Someone recommended coming here and getting my [censored] kicked about what I have been doing wrong, so if I am posting in the wrong place please let me know.

Ok my story is as follows, Been married to my wife for 5 years in April of this year. My wife works as a department manager in a DIY store and has a team of 5 people working for her, one of these is a sales consultant whom she has worked with for almost 2 years now. This sales consultant came around to our house to do some designs for our bathroom/bedroom back in febuary where I first met him. I didn't like him much at the time as he had convinced my wife to change from our plans to his, but I got them changed back.

Over the next few months my wife had a few nights out with work, one of them really wound me up where she did not get in til 3am and was not answering her phone. At this stage and even now she claims nothing was going on then. Anyway towards the start of the summer I noticed my wife was a bit distant from me, and as we got further into july i started to feel like I was no longer loved and that I was basically a nanny/maid to the kids etc. When I brought this up I got told that it was due to the stress of work and I was not helping.

Ok so we then had a large BBQ where my wife invited all of her friends around, an hour before the start she told me she had to go and pickup 2 of the people she worked with. She got back an hour after the party had started leaving me to deal with everyone on my own. During the night I noticed as did several others, how close my wife was with the consultant. Having had too much to drink i confronted her only to be told it was all in my imagination etc, I confronted him and got the same response. Lost my temper and punched a hole in the wall, very quickly calmed down and went down and apologised to him, shook his hand told him he was a good friend to my wife etc. The following morning she told me she had feelings for him, I suspected an emotional affair but she said it was nothing, but he possibly felt the same. I insisted that they no longer work together, but she said this was impossible but they would keep their distance. I did everything wrong from there. However we started tos pend more time together and when questions she told me it was all over between them and she can't believe she almost threw our lives away for him.

Ok then in september my wife had a week off from work, She went out with a friend on the monday night and I thought nothing of it, however I had noticed her not letting her mobile out of her sight, she was all nice and friendly with me, but the mobile thing was bugging me. I managed to grab it at put it on charge at one stage raising the volume so I could intercept the texts, which i did and it was him. Again I got told EA, and she went out to call it off.

She went out again on the sunday night and again I thought nothing of it, but when she came home she was distant, I checked through her emails the following morning and found some deleted ones indicating she had been with him, full of "ily" comments. And I busted her on the monday.

An agonising week followed, she was going to leave to be with him, we hardly spoke she was angry at me all the time. Eventually we spoke and agreed to try and work it out. I insisted that they no longer worked together and was told he had applied for a transfer.

In my efforts to make things easier for my wife I was very supportive and understanding, tried to make her feel welcome and not pressured for anything. During this time I hardly heard a sorry, and some contact was continuing. We started MC but I didn't t hink there was any point whilst she was still working with him and having contact. Eventually she agreed to quit her job and hand her notice in. However she then went away for a night on a training course, I asked her to send me a picture of her with the girl she said she was going with and she exploded in my face telling me she hated me for making her do that, I caused the end of our marriage etc etc. Eventually she calmed down, but I still did not get a picture.

She attended a few job interviews and then went back to not wanting anything to do with me, she basically treated me extremely badly, never wanted to talk and I was overly nice and supportive of her.
She asked me about going to a wedding party on sunday night with people from work, I asked if he was going and she said he was. I told her i did not like the fact that he was going and would not feel comfortable with her going. She went anyway and that has pushed me over the edge and I now feel done with it all.

As an act of defiance my wife has always told me who I can and can't be friends with on facebook, so I added one of the girls I was not allowed to be friends with. This tipped my wife over the edge and she exploded in my face and basically treated me as though I have been having an affair. She is now sleeping downstairs and says she will be leaving in january or as soon as I can get the money together to buy her out of our house etc. At this stage i'm inclined to let her.

But i figured I'd see if i could get some plan b advice here.

As for exposure, I've exposed to immideiate family and friends but nothing more than that. Yes I should have exposed to OM's partner, but more out of self preservation I want to be able to buy out my wife from our house for a sensible price and not have her try and rip me off. I've not reported her to work either as she could either lose her job or impact her career which will effect whether or not she can support our kids. Yes I realise that the first thing you will all say is to tell his partner and their work exposure is being the best cure. But at the moment i'm quite content to get what I want from my wife (my house) and then expose. Which may be too late to save my Marriage i realise, but I'm incredibly close to no longer caring.

I've been NC with my wife since yesterday morning, but we are meant to be taking our kids to a pantomine this afternoon together.

Advise and [censored] kicking is appriciated, though for now I doubt my stance on exposure to the OM partner and work are likely to change.

Spareparts

Hi Spareparts, welcome to Marriage Builders! After reading through your post, I strongly suspect that this is more than an EA (emotional affair). I would be willing to bet this is a full blown PA (physical affair). It's unfortunate that you are resistant to exposure, as it is one of, if not the most effective tools for killing the affair. The plan you have decribed for yourself will probably get you divorced. It's obvious that your Love Bank is empty or at least the little warning light is flashing.

Do you have children? What if there is a way to restore your marriage and for you to fall back in love with each other? We've seen your story played out a 1000 times on this board.

I suggest you purchase or borrow the book "Surviving An Affair". How much of the material have you read on this site? I'm sorry you're hurting. MB has the best, PROVEN method for a chance at saving your marriage. And guess what? It does not require that you remain a doormat. Interested?

Hi Princessmeggy

Sorry I guess I missed out that part, yes it was a full blown physical affair, The monday night she went out was when they slept together in the back of his car outside a hotel. Classy right?

We have 3 kids together, though only 1 is biologically mine. IF there was a way then maybe i could use it. I have read a fair bit of the site, and yes I realise that exposure is the best method of killing the affair. I am just fearful of what my wife will do with regards to the kids and my house. Also I caught her drinking heavily in the daytime and then driving, so I am worried exposure would push her over the edge.

Before you implement Plan B you should first implement Plan A.
To do plan A you should take a look at the things YOU failed to do for your wife, which made room for the other guy to fill wife's love bank.

1
Determine her emotional needs.

2
Determine which love busters took away from your love bank account.

3
Use that knowledge to be a better husband.

4
Try to get her to do romantic things with you.

Also, adding one of the GIRLS (what girls??? You are not supposed to have female friends in the age range between 12 and 70 ) she forbade you to be friends with, is absolutely childish. And a love buster of course.

You should not ask yourself if you will have enough money once she is gone, you should ask yourself, why would she or any woman fall in love with you. And you should do the work now, to be the best husband you can be. Lead by example. Be firm but loving. Show her how a real man treats his wife!
You are the father of her children. You know her better then he does. Use that to your advantage.

Up untill now, you have not explained yet what your plan A was. I would advice you to do a good plan A and to take a hard look at yourself.


Please realise, that not only did she make a BIG mistake by getting involved with another man, you will have made mistakes as well. And you are doomed to repeat these mistakes in your next relationship, which will also have the burden of visitation and payment to your 'old' family.

It would be much better for everyone to do the work here and now and do everything in your power, to lead your wife out of the fog. But you are not going to accomplish that by lovebusting her because you feel the need to retaliate.
Pray and WORK,

Happyheart

Oh, and plan on exposing, if you want it to end. Two households are more expensive than one and exposure is your only chance to NOT having two households.

I do not mean to tell you that you should not at one point implement plan B. Also, you should stop letting her go to functions by herself. Just put on your coat and cheerfully go with her, or leave the house, so that she cannot go because the kids would be alone. (How old are the children?)

Happyheart

Sorry Happyheart i'm not sure I completely understand you, maybe my post wasn't clear.

I have determined her emotional needs, according to her I meet everyone of the needs at home, the need that I could not meet were the fact that when she was working and it was stressful the other man made her feel like she was 21 again and was not a wife or mother, she wanted an escape from that life.

A little bit about me and our relationship would perhaps help you understand, when I met my wife she was divorced from her first husband who cheated on her. This left her with a great sense of insecurity which i understood and made every effort to make her feel safe, she monitored my phone checked my facebook my emails everything. She determined that I was not allowed to be friend with any women that I had known previously, whilt she was allowed to be friends with any man she liked. She already had a 4 year old daughter and was pregnant with another mans child and I took both of those girls on as my own and raised and loved them more than any other man could.

I don't use her as a money making machine, in fact I pay all of the bills and all of the mortgage, she spends her money on going out with her friends, buying herself a new car and racking up debt on her credit cards. I have told her that should she quit her job, we can manage whilst she stays at home to be a mum or works part time, or find another job that is less stressful for her.

At no stage did i say I got drunk and babysat the children, since finding out about the Affair I have hardly drunk anything, but thanks for the sweeping generalisation.

My Plan A as it were, I asked her to stop seeing OM for anything other than work related, when she was ill I looked after her. I have been there and supported her as she is dealing with great guilt over this. I have never called her names, shouted at her or in any way attempted to make her feel bad about any of this. I do all of the house work for when she gets in, I cook and clean for the kids and I made an effort to ensure that when my wife got in from work, she had a clean house, nice warm drink and something to eat the second she walked through the door. I got up at 5am the other day to iron her work clothes that I had also washed for her, and yet instead of thanking me she complained that they were damp and stormed off to work without saying goodbye.

For her birthday I took her away for a romantic weekend, offering to take her out shopping, for a meal, to see a show. Every time her work has made her go in early or late I have rearranged my whole schedule around her ensuring that I meet her needs. What more would you suggest i do for her? I tell her how attractive she looks, I support her when she is feeling down, i reassure her that I want her to be here and that I do not hold this against her. She doesn't have to do any housework as I've done it all. I put the kids to bed every night, I bath them and clean up afterthem. So please if there is anything I am missing be sure to let me know? Perhaps I could turn water into wine for her? (sorry but I don't feel I could possibly do anything more for her)

Ok I accepted a friends request from someone I knew she wouldn't want me to and it was spiteful and childish. But she specifically went out to a social function where she knew the other man would be despite me telling her i didn't want her to go. So yes I did it to get back at her, sorry but I have turned every other cheek possible in this situation and I snapped.

If you can point out the mistake of giving someone everything, attempting to meet every need going then certainly i'm willing to listen. We have been in marriage counselling and she admits that there was nothing else I could have done. She had an affair because she was feeling selfish and wanted more. I had also just spent �60k on an extension to accomodate her needs, she got to pick everything I bought her wallpaper that she wanted that cost �40 a roll. Do you really think I used "Her" as a money machine?

I was willing to put as long as it took in to get through this. However she is the one who is adamant on leaving, she is the one who will not stop contact with the OM, she looks him up on facebook, looks up his daughter and his sister. She will not stop working with him, and chooses to go to social events where she knows he will be. And i've put up with all of that. Does that sound to you though that SHE is willing to put in the effort. She told me when this all came out she would give it 3 months and if everything was not back to normal she would leave. I Think your questions may well have been directed at my wife and not me.

Dear SP,

I'm sorry that I misjudged you. You seem to have carried more than your share of things in the marriage.

Allthough it is amazing that you do so much in the household, this will for most women not put in so much Love Bank Units as meeting the more intimate emotional needs does: conversation, affection, SF and so on.

Maybe try to work plan A as good as you can by focussing on the more intimate emotional needs. You do not have to overdo it by overly admiring her appearance, but you may also fill that need by saying something about her in the past, which then triggers good memories for her. (I will never forget how you >insert how she took care of your baby child or some other memory<, you were so...) something like that. You rather sound like you have saint-like qualities.

Does she spend all of her money on herself? It cannot be healthy, if she gets to have male friends and spend her own money on going out, while you pay the bills and babysit the children.

If you have been doing the Plan A thing long enough (you might hav already, but maybe focus on the intimate emotional needs as much as possible for the last weeks of plan A.

Then you are right, it might be time for plan B. But please consider exposure first. Think about it, are there any people whou could influence her, or whose opinion she values, that you can expose to?

Sorry that I misunderstood. (from the post I gathered you cared for the childen and she worked and so on.)

I wish you well.
You deserve a wife who is honest and ends contact with the OM.

God bless you,

Happyheart

Thanks Happyheart,

I have been trying to meet her emotional needs, I would often bring up things such as how wonderful she was during the birth of our son. How caring she was during the time of my mothers death. I have bought her flowers, even sending them to her work. I've given foot and back rubs after stressful days at work. I talk to her about her work, engage her in conversations about customers, making sure I always remember whcih one is which for the following day to bring them up again. I also try to discuss non work related things, tv shows, news asking how her friends/family are doing. I've pretty much tried everything i could to connect with her.

The issue appears to be that she does not want to talk about things, her instinct is to run away. She will not let her feel anything other than guilt when she looks at me. And she currently believes she does not deserve me. During counselling she told the counsellor she did not see herself ever changing and this is why she should just leave.

I have exposed to as many people as I could without causing issues for her job. She is a very stubborn woman and me causing issues with her work would probably cause her to leave anyway just to spite me. I was hoping her father would try and influence her, unfortunately he is that angry with her he won't speak to her. She has no close female friends that she speaks to.

My only card is exposure to work and to the OM's partner. But i am, selfishly i admit, holding onto them in order to try and ensure she does not rip me off when it comes to the house that we have, and cause problems with me accessing the children.

I am no saint and admit that over the years there will have been instances where I did or said the wrong thing. But my wife will always sit there in silence and give me that treatment rather than discuss anything or let me know what I did.

I guess my issue now is that she will no longer talk to me, she avoids me in the house and comes home late from work. I can't see a way for me to even get her to pay attention to a plan a without apologising more so (I already told her I only accepted a friend request to get back at her, I told her I was sorry and explained why I was hurt about her going out without me), I would have to make a far bigger deal and give her far more ammunition about this than it is worth. I feel she was looking for an excuse to leave and not have to do any work, and she finally pushed me into giving her that excuse which i was trying so hard not to do.

Unfortunately without a plan B, I don't think I have any chance to break her out of her fog. She is punishing herself, has a very black and white view of the world and feels that she should have nothing. She appears to be on a self destruct course and try as I might I can't break her off it. All I can do is get myself and our kids away from the wreckage. Unfortunately she feels that whilst she loves me, she does not have the in love feelings for me. I put this down to still seeing OM, and the feelings of guilt and lack of self worth on her part. I cannot break through those no matter how hard I try. In fact the harder I try the more she feels she does not deserve me.

I am coming to the realisation that maybe she just isn't a person who wants to do the work on the marriage and feels running away is a better plan for herself.

Welcome to MB, spareparts. Are you in the UK? I am in London.

Please read Dr Harley's article What are Plan A and Plan B? You will see that Plan B is intended to be used if you are prepared to wait out the affair. It is a way of isolating yourself and not having to watch the affair take place in front of you. Since most affairs dies within two years, this one is likely to end. It is especially likely to end since OM has a partner and has shown no signs of leaving her for your wife, a married mother of three kids (from 3 different men).

If at this stage you are willing to wait for the affair to end, you should get your wife to move out and have no further direct contact with her. In order to do this, you need to have a financial arrangement in place for her to support your daughter, and you also need to have another adult to exchange your daughter between you for visits. You must not see or speak to your wife during Plan B. You also must not telephone or email her, so that means having an intermediary who will handle all necessary written communications between you.

Are you prepared now to have your daughter living with you only part time? If you are in the UK, my very limited knowledge suggests that a judge would mandate that your daughter lives with your wife, and stays with you only every other weekend and one weeknight every week. If you are not on the birth certificate as the father of the middle child you have no rights to her, and none to the eldest.

You should, of course, consult a lawyer on this. I had to see a lawyer earlier this year for an hour's one-off advice session, and I got an appointment quickly and was charged �100. Do this now, before you go any further into separation.

The problem with your desired approach is that Plan B can't be done your way. Since it is a measure designed to protect you while you wait for the affair to die, you must do it properly. The hope is that your marriage can be saved, even if this takes up to two years of waiting, and that at the end of the affair your wife returns to you.

Plan B is designed to work where the WS is forced to face the reality of life without you, and with only seeing the children part-time. It is hoped that the WS feels unhappy at being separated from you and the children, and also faces disapproval from friends and family who know about the affair and tell her that she is doing wrong by hurting people. Also, forced to depend on OM to meet all the needs you have been meeting, she will see that he cannot do that.

If you have carried out a good Plan A, there is a likelihood that she will return home when the affair crumbles. If you haven't, there is a likelihood that she will not return even when it does.

If you want to fight for the marriage, whether that means continuing Plan A or going to Plan B, you must expose the affair to her workplace. There is no way your marriage can recover if your wife continues to work with OM.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Coping with Infidelity: the End.

If you are certain that you want to divorce, then you should STILL expose to OM's partner. If you can get him to dump your wife, then you will be spared from having the kids move in with him. You want that affair to end, and you need to make as much trouble as possible to ensure that this happens.

So: are you sure what you want to do? Wait for the affair to end, or move to divorce now?

spareparts, can you explain what you mean by "ripping me off with the house", please?

You can solve the house issue in one of two ways. You can get a voluntary agreement for one of you to buy the other out, or you can let a judge decide. I was told this year that a judge is likely to award 60% of the value to the wife who is the mother of dependent kids, and allow her to live in in the house with the kids if there is enough money to pay for that and your accommodation. If not, the house will have to be sold to enable that realisation.

Whatever voluntary arrangement is made will have to be signed off by a judge, who has a duty to ensure the welfare of the children. So, neither of you will be able to make a voluntary agreement that hurts the children.

Therefore, I'm not sure how she can "rip you off". You are legally entitled to a share of the assets of your home. It might be, though, that a judge would order that SHE should live in the home with the kids and only be forced pay you your share if she decides to sell the house, or if she cohabits. That arrangement would last until your child finishes full-time education - i.e. university. So, with a young child, you could be asset-rich but cash-poor for the next 15 years.

That's something else to think about when deciding whether to divorce or fight for the marriage. But for me, the issue wouldn't be cash; it would be not living with my children full-time, and not having any say over the assorted scumbags that my H could inflict on my precious children - especially his affair partner ho. Once you give up on the marriage you give up your right to say who your daughter lives with or spends time with when she is not with you. That could be 70% of the time. I wouldn't give up yet.

In your shoes, I would expose the affair at work and live without my spouse's income. It's worth it to save the marriage - the affair will only continue if they work together. You can sell your lovely house and live somewhere smaller. I would also expose to the other spouse YESTERDAY; this is a sleazy OM whois getting a bit of nooky on the side and does not want to move in with your wife and her 3 kids. Exposure to the partner will kill that affair and make sure that your kids never come under that man's influence.

I would fight for the marriage so that my kids stayed with me, and kill the affair so that, even if the marriage is lost, they do not get to call the affair partner "Daddy".

Thanks Sugarcane

No I am not waiting for the affair to end. From what I understand the affair itself is over, OM is making every effort to stay away from my wife, but obviously still continues contact due to work. He is the one who put in for a transfer first.

I have already spoken to a solicitor. We have 3 children, the 2 eldest daughters are not mine and I have no legal right to them I know this, our youngest son is mine and he i do have rights to. I do not think I can cope without seeing my son every day, this is another reason I am reluctant to expose to my wifes work. She works horrible hours most of the time, this will mean that I will get to pick the kids up from the child minders every day and feed them. Also there will be days when she has to work til 9.30 pm or start at 6 am, and she works every other weekend. All of which will give me far more access as she has no one else who can take care of the children.

If she changes job then she may work less hours and i'll rarely see the kids and certainly at this stage that is more important to me than my marriage.

I hate that is is coming to this, but I think at this stage the seperation/divorce option is the only way to go. That way i can keep the house for myself and the kids to come around to and stay at whenever they want. If my wife ever comes to her senses then we can go from there. At this stage I was wondering if there was any other way to knock her out of the fog. But i guess bar workplace exposure and OM exposure I'm not really left with anything. I also cannot tell if the issue is the OM still being in contact or my wife just being that prideful and feels like she should be punished for what she has done. Or maybe some of both.

Thanks for the advice anyway, yes I am in the UK, in Nottinghamshire.

Ok with regards to the house.

We were looking to move house but could not sell at the time. My mother then died and left me part of her house, I had to work hard to get the monet my brother and I were due from our stepfather who felt we should not get it. During this time my wife decided we could extend our house instead and use this money. We did this and I used all of my inheritence to put towards the house, as I say rounhly �60k worth of money.

Before the last brick on the extension had been laid my wife had started her EA with OM. So when I say rip me off, I feel that whilst she is extrememly likely to be entitled to 60% of our house, I don't feel like she has earnt it. I suppose thats sour grapes on my part that she knew she was involved with someone else whilst i was signing cheques to make her happy.

And with the housing market being what it is like, whilst I may have spent �60k the house is probably only worth �30k more than it was originally. Meaning that I will now lose a large chunk of that money. I feel that making my wife a fair offer based on the value of the house and the money that i had spent, and the fact that I am willing to provide money for all 3 children despite only being legally obliged to pay for 1 is better all around. However if she pushes to sell the house then we will both lose money and a home I worked so hard for.

Its a sore point for me because I now feel that my mum paid for that house to be improved and she would want the kids to have it as their home, I also have no family close to where we live now as I moved from Cardiff to nottingham to be with my wife. Without my kids, without my home, and without my marriage, I have pretty much lost everything all because my wife decided to sleep with a fat old guy from her work.

There is a high chance that OMW finding out will cause him to throw yor wife under a bus to save his marriage. If his work finds out, that too could motivate him. Even if not, it is the right thing to do to tell his wife - she is being betrayed too!

If OM does dump your wife she is likely to want you back and then you hold all the cards. She wont want to upset you then about the house or anything.

But really, I should think you would want to do your best to bust up the affair so as to avoid his becoing a part of your kids lives - whether or not you want a divorce

I am in the UK too.

I think your 'keep her as a friend' plan is fatally flawed. She is a wayward so she is going to get as much as she can get, regardless of your actions. If you put down your best weapons in the hope she will play fair, you are bound to be disappointed.

She only cares about herself while she remians wayward

From what I understand and saw of their communication they both threw each other under a bus within a week of D-Day.

Having checked my wifes phone bills and all other forms of communication the affair is at least physically over. The issue is the mental affair my wife is continuing to have. Plus the issues of guilt over what she has done. She had already agreed to quit her job and was willing to work on it. But I think either the reality that just quitting her job didn't mean that everything was back to normal means she is having second thoughts. It was as though when she handed her notice in I should've totally forgiven her and fully trusted her again. Despite the fact that she is still working with him and can still change her mind.

My best weapons against my wife are the exposure I agree, I'm not putting those weapons down. I am keeping them locked and loaded for when I need them most. You are right she is still thinking like a wayward all about her, and the thing she values the most of what other people think about her. Exposing everything now will mean she has nothing to lose and will be out for as much as possible. Exposing after everything is agreed gives me the leverage to get what i want fairly, plus then I can expose to the whole world and destroy any hopes my wife has of being with OM and thus keeping my children away from him.

It is likely to cost me my marriage, but I should be able to keep my children and mines home and allow me to provide a safe place for them to live. Unfortunately exposing now is a gamble I am not willing to take. It gives my wife ammunition to use against me and turn me into the bad guy, if she loses her job I become the one who has caused that (I know she did but i'm talking in her eyes) and then she can tell the children that it is my fault. I have been trying to not give her anything to use against me with anyone.

I know that all of this is her fault, all of the consequences are for her to face. But I can't bring myself to do anything that will negatively affect my kids. Holding onto the exposure til we get everything sorted legally gives me a bargaining chip she does not want me to use.

Have you consulted an attorney about the house issue? Just to make sure that you have the right facts. I am not knowledgable in British law, but in some other countries you get more of the house if it was your inheritance that was used to build some of it.

What I do know, is, that because of European family law, which is implemented in all EU countries, you are entitled to visitation right for all of the children, because you are an important person in their life, having experienced so-called 'family life' with them. From what I understand, your youngest step-child has never really had another father figure. However, visitation can of course be boycotted by an ex-wife, but legally, you will have visitation.

Take care,

Happyheart.

I do understand this, spareparts.

I suppose I still don't understand why you wouldn't try and save your marriage. If the affair is over, or just needs more action to force it to end (exposure to OM's partner), why wouldn't you try and rebuild the marriage? However good a settlement you get now with regard to seeing the kids, that could change later on if your wife still decides to change jobs to one with more sociable hours, or meets a new man. In two years' time, she could decide to move to a completely different city and get married again. This deal would have been yours for only a short time, and you could end up as an every-other-weekend Dad, not seeing the two older kids at all, and with your own child reluctant to be shuttled between homes.

Letting your marriage end is a great risk, and you haven't explained yet why you want to end it. Yes, you've explained the affair, but not why you cannot try to recover the marriage from it, since it seems so likely to end.

Do you still think that Plan B is of any use to you? I don't really see its application. I don't think you should plan to be friendly with your wife after the divorce - just businesslike about the children's welfare - but I don't quite see why you would be using Plan B, which means waiting for the affair to end and your wife to return.

Please try and explain why you won't work on the marriage.

I don't know about this, happyheart. It is true that the UK is a signatory to the European Convention on Human Rights, which gives us the rights to a "private family life". That Convention has been incorporated in British law in the form of the 1998 Human Rights Act. That Act also gives us the right to a "private family life".

But what that means in practice is open to a UK court to interpret. Human Rights law in the UK is still in the process of evolution, and there are a lot of provisions in the Convention and the Act that we still do not understand, and even lawyers would be reluctant to bet on.

The European Court of Human Rights, which oversees the operation of the Convention, is reluctant to enforce a uniform standard on the national courts. It is keen to allow national courts to interpret the Convention in accordance with their traditions.

So, I think that means that a stepfather like spareparts cannot rely on either the Convention or the Human Rights Act to define "family life" the way he would like. He can test the Act in a UK court, but I don't know what the precedents are in case law for a favourable outcome.

You need to talk to a solicitor again, spareparts, if you want to maintain contact with the other children after a separation. Find out the details before you risk losing them.

Hi

I don't want my Marriage to end, I have tried everything I can possibly think of to make this marriage work. My wife is no longer talking to me, and I cannot bring myself to begging her to stay again. If there is anything else I can do then great, but knowing my wife exposure and the costing her of her job will just force her away from me and not bring her back.

I'm glad you said this, because that gives us something to work on.

Is your marriage counselling being done with Relate? Please tell us if they have a plan to recover you marriage after an affair. From what I undertand of Relate, and of UK "marriage counselling" in general (I saw a non-Relate counsellor a few years ago), they come from a background of individual psychotherapy. They are entirely focused on the individual and what childhood and other influences make him or her tick. The focus on childhood is a wate of time, by the way. It doesn't solve any problems of the here and now.

They are not trained to rescue marriages on the brink of divorce. They seek to find out what the spouse who is on the point of leaving wants, and they facilitate that spouse in getting what they need to be "happy". It is possible that they are facilitating your wife's selfish, entitled behaviour, rather than putting an end to it.

However, it is possibly a good thing that you wife has agreed to counselling so far, even if that has not helped marital recovery, because you can use her willingness to get a foot in the door of Marriage Builders coaching.

The coaching service here is run by telephone, by Dr Harley's son and daughter, Stephen Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers. I have read dozens of people here testify to how good they are at talking round reluctant spouses. Send an email to the Coaching Centre asking for an appointment. You will speak to a coach on you own, and Steve or Jennifer will help you persuade your wife to give them a call. You will not be on the phone together, and the coach will listen to her, but then persuade her to rebuild the marriage with the father of her children.

They are REALLY good at what they do. Do this now. You can turn this marriage around from heading towards divorce, with only two phone calls; one for you and one for your wife.