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So in 7+ months working on this site, what you have chosen to retain as your modus operendi is that whatever actions you feel will give you a fleeting feeling of superiority over your spouse, or provides amusement (Irony?), you are probably justified in taking, regardless of the damaging effect on her, because, after all, she had an affair, and the new humiliation is just something she "surely can handle".

Does that approximate a faithful restatement of your position?

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It was poor taste, and handled spitefully.


I almost get it, Mike. ALMOST.

Believe it or not, I have survived thus far with a sense of humor intact. In fact, I posted a story a few months back about being kissed "by another woman" at work. The way I relayed it to my wife is verbatim with my post.

I didn't use that situation as a segue to rub my wife's nose in her infidelity. I just shared it in a way which I am fortunately able to still find some humor in, as was she.

After all, its doubtful I'd ever take up with a woman old enough to be my mother, let alone my GRANDMOTHER.

Being able to find laughter in life is a precious thing, Mike. So why tread on it so vindictively?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I tried to find humor and that turned out to be at her expense. I apologized to her the following day. And I apologized to her last night after reading the posts.

Yeah I got loads of resentment. Its how im handling the waves of anger from this resentment that stinks.

And you're right I do little nitpicking things to needle her once in a while to boost me a bit.

She has this hardness that I really never saw but now realize its always been there. Its a toughness in some things emotionally and interpersonally combined with complete fear of other things. Its gotten much more defined in these months. Im able to look back at the last 15 yrs and see it clear.

Its this hardness that I try to crack with these 'low blows'.

I apologized and will try to control myself.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Welcome back, kiddo!

Mike, we have all wandered "off the reservation" (apologies to any offended Native Americans!) during our trek to recovery. No one can know how long these episodes of suppressed/reflected rage will torment the two of you, but the more often, and completely, you can quash the outward demonstration WITH SELF-AWARENESS AND CONTROL, the better off YOU will be.

Merry Christmas, my friend!

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Mike,

Glad you apologized to her, no need for me to pile on. I just wanted to pass on a few words a very good friend of FWW and I told me, and its helped me a little when I feel angry.

I'm only a couple months into my own recovery story, but trust me I understand wanting to "punish" the the woman who ripped your heart out, and now seems to "owe" it to us to take whatever emotional jabs we feel like giving until our pain dissipates. It's ok to feel angry, but when the pain eventually dies down you want a WHOLE wife, not a shell of the woman you want to spend your life with. After all, that is why we are in recovery right? We want to create a healthy, loving marriage we can spend the rest of our lives in. I hate what my wife DID, but I love my WIFE, and if we are able to make it through recovery I want to be with ALL of my wife.

I'm sure you've gotten plenty of advice from other people far more qualified from me, but when I feel like using my wife as an emotional punching bag, I often think about having my "whole" wife in the long run, and its helped me immensely. I'm learning to share my anger with her in a respectful way (I was a huge offender of AO's and DJ's pre-A) and in turn she is learning to ask what she can do to help me with the pain. Anyway thanks for listening.

Have a Merry Christmas!


Me BH: 27
FWW: 28
DSD: 9
Together since 06/04
Married since 07/06
EA w/ OM1 (Former Best Friend/Best Man @ wedding) 12/06-2/07
D-Day1 02/07
EA/PA w/ OB2 8/11-10/11
D-Day2 10/27/11
NC 11/8/11

In Recovery, one day at a time...

We tend to forget Happiness does not come from gaining what we don't have, but rather realizing what it is we DO have.
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She has this hardness that I really never saw but now realize its always been there...Its this hardness that I try to crack with these 'low blows'.

***Engineering-speak Warning!***

Most metals are not weakened, but strengthened, by being hammered - hence "wrought" iron, and the annealing of steel.

Much better to melt it, or even more effective, locating a reagent that will act as a catylist for secondary chemical bonding.

Remember too the allegory about the wind, the sun, and the man in the overcoat.....

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Santa showed up at last nights christmas party and he was his usual jovial self. He took pictures with everyone. All the couples took pics with him. So when he saw my wife he said with a firm tongue in cheek, "hey young lady, do you want to take a picture with Santa with your boyfriend or is your husband here?".

Ha ha. Even the most innocent of attempts at humor by someone else are lost forever. Ruined my night. And Santa doesn't know about the a.



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Ruined my night.

That sux, Mike. "Infidelity-chic" is (sadly) an acceptable form of humor/conviviality. You probably recall some examples - "A toast to our wives and girlfriends! May they never meet!" - which had no sting to them before your crisis. You might even have participated in some form, yourself.

Okay, last night (at least this part) hurt a bit. What is vitally important to get back in your mind? Your spouse did not initiate the exchange, and possibly feels worse about it than you do. Quietly today, (Quiet? On Christmas morning?) take her aside, tell her that you were disturbed by Santa's comment, BUT you wanted her to know that if she were equally bothered, not to let it carry forward into today. And YOU forestall the same hangover, okay? This is the HERO mode that we step into when necessary.

Merry Christmas, Mike! I hope Santa delivered the Dramamine and key-chain charm I asked him to bring you!

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She knew it last night that line of humor is no longer funny like it once was.

I didn't blame her for it. Today the anxiety attack is for me to deal with alone.



Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
She knew it last night that line of humor is no longer funny like it once was.

I didn't blame her for it. Today the anxiety attack is for me to deal with alone.

Yes but this statement shows that you ignored neverguessed's excellent advice.

Not blaming WW for it?

How could you? She did not bring the commment about.

Your inaction/lack of response to WW was a missed opportunity to help WW heal. That is a big need to be filled.

I know what you're going to be doing December 31. Throwing a party. Another pity party.

How do I know?

That's all you show you are doing through your posts. Time to man up. You're crying about a joke you heard the next morning form the night before. Wive's are attracted to men. Stop wussing around.


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Of course I know I could control how these epiodes can pan out. I could say to my wife 'that was an unfortunate use of words', and make nothing of it. Or, I can envision the all previous parties when an innuendo like what Santa said to my wife was fact, true. when I'd stand smiling and say ha ha ha she doesn't have a boyfriend you silly jokester. But, in really, she did.

Pity party? I guess.

Coming up against scenarios I hadn't imagined that trigger anger, yes.

I said I didn't blame her meant I didn't take her into another room and destroy her night. I asked later on if she heard the Santa comment. She said yes and that she's sorry. I said don't apologize, this wont be last unfortunate situation were in and that was that.

As usual I kept my emotion bottled.


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Mike:

I know the feeling. Someone gave my fwh the choice of two beers at a game recently. one was called Two Girls Lager. My friend jokingly said: Ha this one's for FWH, not knowing about the affair. FWH actually made a crack about it, too.

And I was super ticked and hurt. But like you, I waited to talk to him about it later. Didn't want to ruin our evening. like your FWW, he agreed, it was awful and his comment was stupid.

So, good job on keeping your emotions in check until you could discuss it later. And even though you felt anger over the incident, you're making progress. You aren't "killing" your wife's night AND you are telling her when triggers hit you and not keeping them bottled in. That seems like progress to me, despite you feeling cruddy about it.

Cheers,
SP


Last edited by sweetpea2011; 12/26/11 08:26 AM.

Me: 47
BH: 48, previously married
Married: Nov. 27, 2004
DDay: Nov. 13, 2010
Kids: stepsons DS17 and DS13
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Recovery is a process, Mike, and there are stages we all go through. Some of us run through a certain stage with great speed, only to be hung on for what seems like forever on a different stage. (This would be analagous to Kubler-Ross's stages of reconciling with death, or the iPhone, v1, 2, 3....)

Anyway, the OLD MSS, when getting so triggered, would have had a nuclear meltdown, torturing his wife with his own pain, and immediately posting here "It's over; I'm bailing!". All of us here are immensely grateful that that MSS is no longer with us.

The current MSS has mastered self-control, and is slowly building the unassailable wall that cannot be seen to be breached by triggers. "I'll handle it myself," "Don't apologize," are among his watchwords. This is a huge improvement, as mentioned, over the earlier version, for all who interact with him, but it's not very comfortable for him.

The ultimate MSS will note comments like Santa's, and will not be triggered. He will be confident in his wife's commitment to him, and will be able to mention it to her, and let her apologize yet again, for what she's done, without being resentful that there is a reason for the apology.

It took me a looooong time to escape NG(v2) and reach NG(v3) so I have no advice to offer on accelerating that transition. The only guide I can offer is NEVER to let V2 slip back to v1. I think you have that knowledge already.

Enjoy ther rest of the Holiday Season, amigo!


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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Recovery is a process, Mike, and there are stages we all go through. Some of us run through a certain stage with great speed, only to be hung on for what seems like forever on a different stage. (This would be analagous to Kubler-Ross's stages of reconciling with death, or the iPhone, v1, 2, 3....)

Anyway, the OLD MSS, when getting so triggered, would have had a nuclear meltdown, torturing his wife with his own pain, and immediately posting here "It's over; I'm bailing!". All of us here are immensely grateful that that MSS is no longer with us.

The current MSS has mastered self-control, and is slowly building the unassailable wall that cannot be seen to be breached by triggers. "I'll handle it myself," "Don't apologize," are among his watchwords. This is a huge improvement, as mentioned, over the earlier version, for all who interact with him, but it's not very comfortable for him.

The ultimate MSS will note comments like Santa's, and will not be triggered. He will be confident in his wife's commitment to him, and will be able to mention it to her, and let her apologize yet again, for what she's done, without being resentful that there is a reason for the apology.

It took me a looooong time to escape NG(v2) and reach NG(v3) so I have no advice to offer on accelerating that transition. The only guide I can offer is NEVER to let V2 slip back to v1. I think you have that knowledge already.

Enjoy ther rest of the Holiday Season, amigo!

This is soooo true! It is hard dealing with the feelings of having been "played". Remember, time is on your side with this one.

CV


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3 young adult children


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NG-- On point as usual. Using the timeframe others have mentioned, my upgrade to v3 from an early v2 where I am today may take everybit of the proscibed 2 years.

The Santa trigger, as we'll now call it, was unforeseen like a lot of other stressful events in my life.


-------------

Moving forward.

A motivational speaker I listened to recently on CD in my car insisted I make goals for myself and actually write them down.

So, being that time of year I wrote out 10 personal goals and 5 business type goals for next year. Kept a copy nearby but not in public viewing in my office for reference as we go along and one is sealed in an envelope in the Dec. 2012 file folder already setup in my file cabinet to be referred to then.

I spent 3 weeks putting together the goals for my marriage. And during that time I had some roller coaster moments. I promised to take it one days at a time. To let her continue to be someone I want to be with forever. To help her create and achieve goals she sets. To get passed the one year anniversary of dday and act like its just another day.

And some other stuff like that.

Mostly, I need to focus on me in 2012. I let a lot of that subside after initially spending a lot of time on me after dday. I need to dedicate a lot more time on my business than I did in last months. I think doing this will help with other mental stresses I have. Perhaps even help improve the bottom line here.

I need to work on my patience with my kids.

More gym time. The few times I acutally chose to walk or to run litely as a way to blow off steam when angered, it actually worked. Never did enough of it. More excercise.

Its cliche for sure but this New Year's is a big one for me. Never put much stock in it, but NYE needs to be at least a figurative turning point in much of my thought process. Maybe not "needs to be", but I should use the opportunity of New Year's Eve being a possible impetus for change that can lead to happiness and success in the next year for my family.

Have I seen to many recent Hollywood movies based on the magic of a New Year's Eve????


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Adulterer to the stars Rachel Uchitel is pregnant. Luck was shining on her as its by her HUSBAND. How refreshing!?!


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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Adulterer to the stars Rachel Uchitel is pregnant. Luck was shining on her as its by her HUSBAND. How refreshing!?!

is it me, or does her face mildly resemble that of a horse?

CV


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3 young adult children


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2011- A.M.F.!!!



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Very cool, MSS!

(But shouldn't it be spelled: A.M-F ?)

Yippee-i-o-ki-yay!

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As we laid down last night I heard some whimpering and sniffling. Not the most emotional woman, I thought she was just battling the cold she's been dealing with.

Really out of nowhere she asked me again to forgive her and that shes having trouble believing how much she hurt me and that she was capable of it all. She cried that the kids will never forgive her despite not uttering a word to us about om and family since dday.

She's rarely opened up like that unsolicited from either a question or melt down from me.

I told her we are in a redo. A second chance. A new year.

It was nice to get emotion like that from her and I told her that too.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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