So the recovery is progressing well; however the issue that is really killing me now and impairing healing is my DD. She is in grad school and lives in a different state. We used to see her a few times a year. When WH left me and my son, she became a great source of support for me and we spoke daily on the phone for hours discussing the details of the EA/PA as I was discovering them. We really grew very close during that time. However, she was shocked when WH returned home and disapproved of my decision to try to recover the marriage. We grew distant and our conversations became very strained. I tried to explain my reasons and kept her informed about WH's remorse and desire to rebuild the marriage. WH wrote her a letter of apology, which she didn't even bother reading, and had sent her numerous e-mails with hope of initiating contact and reconciliation. Recently, she e-mailed me asking me to make his stop sending her e-mails. She said she is blocking him as a sender and doesn't want to have any contact.

I don't know what to do anymore. This rift is a constant and unbearable reminder of A and is really impacting my emotional healing and our recovery as a family. I would be grateful for any advice.

quo, your first post states that you have been married 17 years, yet you have a daughter in graduate school. Is she your H's daughter also? If not, were you married before, and how old was she when you married this H?

If he's not her father, that might explain why she's not ecstatic at the thought that you are taking your H back. She has less invested in our recovery than your son has.

quo, while it's wonderful that you had support from your daughter during a very difficult time, she is not your priority. Your marriage is your priority. She is being disrespectful to your marriage by not supporting a healthy resolution.

Why does she not support this? Is she your husband's biological daughter? I'm not sure why she would be less than enthusiastic about this.

Thank you, MM! Sorry for failing to mention that, indeed, DD is from my first marriage. FWH raised her since she was 9 years old, there has been no contact with her biological father. Until the A, DD and FWH always had a good relationship and he was devoted as much to her as he is to our son. Since the A (October 2011) she refused to speak to or receive any contact from him. An additional layer of complexity is the fact that she is in the midst planning a wedding and we will be largely underwriting this expense just like we have been subsidizing her living expenses while she is in school. Since I am in school myself now and my earnings are low, it is FWH's income that has been and will be supporting DD.

Personally, I think you should not push your DD too much, and certainly not blame her as a continuing trigger. That seems very unfair. It does not seem that she is being disrespectful so much as setting her own boundaries. That is entirely her right. Of course, her choices may have consequences, ie., whether you will continue to support her financially. And that is entirely your and your FWH's choice. But I don't really think that adds another "layer of complexity", do you? It's just money, which lots of parents give to their children.

No one is required to forgive your FWH for his past and it is not a character defect to decline to do so. In any event, you are talking about quite recent events here!

Give her some time, and respect her wishes. If that means that you cannot speak to her either, that unfortunately is another by-product of your FWH's actions.

quovadis, thanks for your kind words above, I just read them. The relationship between your daughter and your husband will have to be worked out between them. That is his problem, not yours. She may be dubious about your husband's sincerity and I have to admit I was too. Is he still telling you the affair was a good thing and that the skank was his "soulmate?" Did he tell your daughter cruel, stupid things like that too?

Hi Q. I have been wondering how you were doing. I don't know what happened to your DD bio father...but I can understand how she may see her step father as going down the same road as bio father and the need to protect herself.




This seems a bit self entitled / hypocritical to expect to continue to receive funding from someone that she wants to cut out of her life. Is your DH invited to the wedding?

I'm sorry that is harsh but that is how it looks from the outside. I would thank your DD for all her support during your tough time and ask DD to look at DH ACTIONS now. There is also DD step brother to consider. Doesn't DD want her brother to have his father in his life? Or would DD prefer that brother have a broken home? Isn't that reason enough to give DH a chance to redeem himself?

DH also has to EARN back DD trust and respect. That is more difficult given the distance.

The devastation from affairs is far and wide. Encourage DH to continue to try to redeem himself in everyone's eyes. It will take time.

Q. Sorry if I missed it...did you answer this ?

OW has completed her studies and will not be returning to school, however she does live not far from the school. Ultimately FWH and I do want to move out of state but we can't do so without a viable job offer for FWH. Our son will be entering college and I will be in grad school so we will be relying on FWH's earnings for financial survival.

Obviously I have no guarantees that OW will not be seeking contact with FWH but he is behsving like a reformed man now. It was interesting to watch his emergence from the A fog, from the moment when he told me he was leaving us for OW, through his decision to return for the sake of our family, through insisting that he regretted only the consequences of A but not the A itself, to ultimately repenting for his misdees. It took five months for him to fully emerge from the grip of the fog but now our marriage is better than it ever had been and I feel truly loved and cherished by him. The Marriage Builders concepts and the advice on this board were key to our survival and rebuilding.

I thank you for your advice regarding my DD. It helps so much to have an objective perspective from all of you. I think the reason why DD is so reluctant to reconcile is because she has not seen FWH and our marriage post A. All she remembers are the lurid details of the A that I shared with her in the moments of my utter dispair. I am going to arm myself with patience and let them work this out.