So this is my first post here- I stumbled across marriage builders in another forum and liked the message so here i am. I guess at this point i am just looking for advice or encouragement since it seems to be getting harder to keep it together. My WH (36) and i (33)have been together 13 years married 6 and have a 3 year old son together. The OW is a 24 year old single girl living in another state and it was only an EA but they have been friends for a long time but only meet once in person the first time they meet years ago. It only developed into a full EA for a month? or so before I found out about it. Also he says we have fun together, get along well, he still likes to be around me, and is still attracted to me but doesnt feel the "love" feeling for me that he needs in a marriage, he just feels like "friends". And neither of us were meeting eachothers EN before the affair pretty much after we had a child.

My story started about three months ago end of sept 2011 when i got the INILWYBSLY speech and he was going to leave after a fight. I did all the wrong things, of course, begged and pleaded, and asked if there was someone else- of course got no- it was just he hadn't been in love with me for a year ( also about the time he lost his job) He decided to stay ( mostly I think for the sake of our 3 year old son, and also he doesnt make a lot of money at his commission only job right know so he really wouldn't be able to support himself- since im the breadwinner). So i threw myself almost into a Plan A of sorts( not knowing about plan A at the time) trying to be what i was years ago so that he would love me again. Fast forward a month, we are getting along better so i ask how things are going and i get no change in my feelings or maybe a little- but its D if he dosent get his feelings back for me. At that point i am devastated and double my efforts but also start getting suspicious.

Fast forward a month later the week of thanksgiving- i had been routinely snooping on his phone at night and finally caught the devastating texts back and forth of ILY and all the other crap i dont want to see in my mind anymore. I woke him up- i stayed calm said it was her or me- if u want me NC anymore with her- he "ended" it with her the next day and choose to work on the marriage a few days later. Since then i have all his passwords and access to his phone but found a secret email with a keyloger- he has broken contact twice with email only and i calmly confronted him both times, each time he is repentant but says its hard since they were friends before- I have told him if i find anything one more time we are done. Oh and he deleted all his email accounts but one- however if he really wanted to contact her he can find a way ( work which i will get no support from cause his boss is having a A).

So here I am a 1 1/2 week out from last contact ( from what i can verify). He says he is trying and has truly steeped up in helping me in the house and with the child since i discovered the EA. I am trying like crazy to fill his ENs but cant really even totally get a handle what they they are so i have been doing trial and error ( no he wont fill out a questionnaire). I have told him my ENs but i feel like im forcing him to give me more affection, conversation, and SF and when he actually does it feels like he doesnt want to. When i ask if im feels like im forcing him he says "no".I realize he is probably still in withdrawal, we are trying our best to spend the 15-20 a week together but he is sometimes reluctant cause he is tired. So how do i keep putting out ENs without getting enough back? I dont want him to be fake and do things he dosent feel but I need more to keep this going, since i have been sorta doing it for several months-

You are on the right track so I want to encourage you to continue doing what you are doing but just fine tune your UA time. At first it will feel "fake" because developing any new habits always feels fake at first. Stick with it and don't let up.

I would INCREASE your UA time and make sure it is quality UA time. No sitting on the couch in front of the boob tube at 11 at night while you are at your most tired. Go out on dates when you are at your most energetic. I would sit down with him and schedule out 20+ hours per week of UA time. 15 hours is not going to get you there. It takes 20-25 hours of UA time to CREATE romantic love and 15 hours to MAINTAIN. You just need to up the ante.


Plan your time at times when he is NOT tired and try to make the bulk of it OUT OF THE HOUSE ON A DATE. There is a special kind of excitement when you are dressed up and out and about that you won't get at home. If you schedule 4 dates at 4 hours, you can easily fill in the rest at home.

And who is this slut? Does she live with her parents? Have you exposed the affair?


Focus on these top 4 intimate emotional needs: sexual fulfillment, affection, conversation, recreational companionship. Those will get you the biggest bang for your buck.

Do you have the books Surviving an Affair and Five Steps to Romantic Love? If not, I would get those books and follow the lessons in there. Pull out the Undivided Attention worksheet in the back of the workbook and make copies. Get into the habit of sitting down with him once a week and scheduling out your UA time.

Time that is actually SCHEDULED is much harder to put off. It is easy to put it off if not scheduled, though.

Melody,

I have the book His Needs Her Needs- I was going to move on to SAA next- The girl lives on her own- he meet her years ago at work when he used to travel and they struck up a friendship and he has always had a "connection" with her- more in common ( uh make me sick). As far as i can tell my H is the one who has kept initiating contact- she doesnt seem quite as interested once i found out and im sure once she finds a boyfriend her own age and in her own state she wont want much to do with my H. My H has even admitted hat it would never work with her since he wont move ( due to our son) and she wont move ( since she helps care for her mother) I have exposed to family and friends.

Its all just hard to take- i think i heard called having a crap sandwich- not only did he cheat on me, now i have to be the one to be strong and get him to fall in love with me again- he says he is trying but it hard when i want and need so much more from him since im hurting right now.

Does she have a facebook page? I would expose the affair to her mother and dad and any other key family you can find. I would raise holy hell on her and run her off.

I understand you are hurting. We really do.

Did you expose to OW's mother? That would be worth a call to inform her about her daughter's conversations with a married man and father to a small child.

AM

No she dosent have facebook( or at least one that i can find) just myspace ( but she has it locked down that i cant see any of her friends)- no i did not expose to anyone on her side - frankly from what limited i have heard about her and limited amount about their family i dont think they would care- but i will maybe do some further digging and see if i can get that info-

How do you get past the feelings of wanting to throw the WS out? Before the continued contact i just felt hurt and sad-after the 2nd and 3rd contact/confrontation i go back and forth between sad/hurt and being angry and just wanting to throw him out and get a D. I mean i really want to work this out if possible, and still love him, but sometimes it just seems like im wasting my energy. This morning i spent like a 1/2 hour in bed just cuddling and caressing him and get nothing in response- it just hurt so bad i just wanted some affection in return and got nothing- I said something to him later and he said "i was trying to sleep"- i cried later after he left for work- He does comfort me if i am upset in front of him but the rest of the time its me mostly initiating or if he does it just feels fake. I am hoping with the more time UA time together it will be better.

SM, it takes up to 2 years to recover from the affair as long as you replace it with a great marriage.

And I would find her parents and expose the affair to them. Try finding her parents in the white pages. Use peoplefinder.com to find their names.

SM, he is going to HAVE TO start showing you some affection and meeting your needs if this is going to work. Make it CLEAR to him that you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage. Raise the bar. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It is not going to feel natural at first but he needs to start doing it or this is not going to work. That is the least he can do if you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness.

Let him know his efforts are not doing the job and he needs to step it up if he intends on staying married. Lay it out to him like I suggested in this other post - use the parts that seem relevant to your situation:


Here is what he needs to do to earn your forgiveness:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

scientistmom,

I am sorry that this happening. But you have found the best place to be because MB can you a PLAN on how to fix this.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think when they have moved to the ILY stage there is a good chance that it has gone physical.

Affairs thrive on secrecy. Kill it by killing the secrecy. Expose to OW family. Let OW family know that she is sneaking around with a married man who has a heartbroken wife and small child. Ask for their support in ending this adulterous relationship.

Do NOT forewarn WH about exposure. That will give him and OW time to spin a story to make you look jealous and crazy. Also expose to WH family at the same time.

Your first step is to expose and kill the affair. Remove the secrecy and fantasy of the relationship and bring it to light of day.

Where did you get this limited information? If WH told you this, I would not believe it. Believe only what YOU can personally verify.

Here is sample NC for your WH to write in his own HANDWRITING and to be mailed by you.



OW,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband that she deserves.


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

Pokerface,

I am sure it did not get physical- she lives 2 states away 6+ hour drive and my H was always home- he was laid off for a year where he watched our young child everyday. I was also able to independently verify his timeline that he gave me of when things started to really heat up vs the random occasional texts they had prior to that on his phone records which he did not know that i could access. After the time that the EA really heated up he was around the house always other than working but not enough time to through in a 6 hr drive without me noticing that he was gone( even if they meet half way)- i went out of town once and was supposed to be gone for a few days but came back early after one day-

I have exposed to our family and friends but have not of the OW.

Melody,

he does say he is trying but he says that i just started going at it like a 1000 miles a min-and i think it wants it to be more natural for him but if i ask him to do something he does it. I dont want to overwhelm him and be to needy/clingy and push him away. I do agree though that he also needs to fulfill my EN and have told him that this is not all about you and that i deserve to be happy as well and that my needs need to be met.

Pokerface,

he already emailed a NC to her with me overseeing it- and from what i have seen it is my H that initially broke contact 2 times not her-

Thought you are probably correct and what he has told me about her and her family is probably only partial truths.

Did OW respond to his contact?

It won't be "natural" at first. He was emotionally detached enough to have an affair so he will have to go through the motions at first. And you need to be honest with him when he is missing the mark.

I would also focus on avoiding lovebusters, avoiding the subject of the affair, and doing your best to be as attractive as possible. You can achieve that if you start scheduling DATES for UA time. It will come faster.

Yes she did- but the last contact between the 2 of them my H basically did another NC email to her ( after i caught the secret email account and confronted him) and she responded back to him agreeing- but i was not happy when i saw it cause NC means NC- I had not asked him to give her another NC email

She might even be married. This is why you need to look her up on peoplefinder.com. Does she know he is married?

Yes she knows he is married w/ a small child since they were friends for several years before this- supposedly she feels bad and that it was never supposed to happen ( but who know if that just lip service considering the source)- like i said she seems to have been staying away from him- it seemed to scare her off a lot when i found out. She is not married from what i have been able to verify from the internet- ( people put way to much of themselves on the internet these days- i was able to find several gaming sites that she belonged to and had been active on in the last year and verify her age and marital status)

What kind of EPs has your H put in place? Has he worked on any yet?

CV