Hey Rop. I am Lgtex1's FWH and the one who has taken 2 polygraphs for my BS.

If your WH is serious about restoring your M and honoring you till death do you part, he will do the research on the poly examiners, he will make the appointment, and he will pass with flying colors. That is the positive side.

On the other side, is the guilt, the shame, the lies, the fog, and yes, the sin, that ties him down, and so entangles him. If he is still hiding something the mere thought of that examiner hooking him up to a polygraph machine will cause him anxiety he doesn't want to face.

I am a federal law enforcement agent and give 100% credibility to polygraph examiners of today. To say they are unreliable is a cop out and a means to run from the truth.

Now that he is "working" on your M encourage him you need to know the whole truth in order to move forward. Encourage him to take the poly and start on a clean slate. You will be much better in the long run and as the fog lifts you may begin to see the light that has been so dimmed by the dark lifestyle your WH has been living.

BTW...please listen to Melodylane, she is topnotch.
Good Luck!

Thanks, Nit2winher

For starters, you put this thread in In Recovery when, in fact, your are not. Consider having it moved over the Surviving an Affair forum. You'll get lots of advice over there too.

Next, as was mentioned earlier, you came across this site which was founded by a Dr. who spent the early part of his career in substance abuse therapy. Just think how lucky you and your husband are that you did come here and you are now exposed to such a wealth of information almost specifically written for your situation. You could have found another infidelity site without such a foundation and they could be telling you that one drink a week is OK for a alcoholic or telling you that his drinking is NOT ruining your marriage.

A lot of what the others are telling you is upsetting to a newly Betrayed Spouse. In the time Ive been here in almost every case the BS will get upset about something one of the veteran posters posts. In EVERY case, however, this changes when the BS starts reading my of the articles and books available on the main site and you'll realize every bit of advice from these posters is sound and taken from the studies developed after the conseling of 1000s of couples.

The anger is good in my opinion. Get angry with us here. Because, as you will learn, your continued angry outbursts with your husband are slowing the progress. And, we've all been there.

Right sentiment, wrong order. Reverse that. A spouse being a practicing alcoholic is bad for a marriage.

Being married itself might be a godsend for a practicing alcoholic if it means you can get him the help he needs and help provide accountability!

Bingo! Alcoholism is bad for marriages.

H finally admitted to PA with OW#2 and now says he has told me everything and will take poly. we are both working on lists of what i might want to know so everything can be addressed before and during the poly. i don't want new questions popping into my head later. can anyone help me come up with a list? also, there are lots of polygraph examiners in our area and all i have to go by is their websites, which are of course self-serving. how do you find a reputable examiner?

another question. i didn't find this site until well after dday. H did NC with both OW via phone call, not in my presence. i didn't know the best procedure at that time. i know that OW#1 got the message loud and clear but is a nutcase (fatal attraction type) and kept calling, texting, and emailing for 4 months. it's now been two months since she's tried to contact. H has ignored everything from her and not responded to her at all. i have access to everything.

unfortunately, OW#2 has called a few times at H's office (big office so we don't have any control over the phone number). he says he hasn't initiated contact with her and basically sits and listens to her talking about her grandchildren etc. he hasn't heard from her since thanksgiving but is willing to send NC letter. is it better to send late than never? or should we wait until she calls again? MC says eventually she'll call again. of course H thinks she's given up since he hasn't responded. we don't want to do anything to cause her to think about him and start calling again.

I'd close that door completely with an NC letter.

He sounds like he's not standing up for your marriage. He should have shut her down the first time she contacted him.

Is there any way his calls can be screened to block her from reaching him at work?

he's very non-confrontational so i think he felt as long as he wasn't really talking, just listening to her rattle about her family, that it wasn't that bad. he's ready to get with the program now. i will ask him about blocking her. that would work because i don't think she would call the switchboard and ask for him if he blocked her from the direct line. i think we'll go ahead and send the NC letter in the next few days. thanks for your input. any ideas on poly?

ROP, every time he hears her voice means he is back to day 1 of recovery. Recovery is impossible as long as there is continued contact so he should not allow her through. A nc letter fashioned after the in SAA would be appropriate. It should be sent by you.

As far as the poly, you might try calling your police station and asking for a referral. You are doing great!

Has you exposed the affair to OW#2's husband? That is your best insurance. You should run her off so she doesn't ever contact your H again. But ultimately, it is your husbands job to cut off contact.

Another important step in recovery is exposure of the affairs to any spouses, your children and close family members. Dr Harley explains his reasoning here http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

But does he not see that he is listening to her at YOUR expense and that this 'listening' is a threat to your marriage??

I'm sorry, but I would find it breath-takingly abusive if my husband told me he continued to take calls from his former AP, but that it's okay because he's 'not really talking'. That would last for about ZERO SECONDS.

Your H needs to be a big boy and stand up for you and your marriage. Who cares if he hurts that skank's feelings??? Look what she did to YOURS!

i hadn't thought about calling police for referral -- good idea!

ROP, did you see my post about informing the OWs husband? He needs to know what your husband has done to him so he can hi,self and keep his wife away. I would call him up TODAY and gI've him all your information about this affair.

what do you think about this for NC letter:

Since you have not called me in appx two months I assume you have already decided on your own that the following is best for both of us. I have promised BW I will have no further contact with you. She has complete access to my emails and phone log. If there is any attempt of contact I will stop it immediately, by hanging up the phone. This has been very hard on her but she is
trying, and so am I, to mend our relationship. We are not going back to what relationship we had but making it a new, honest life. I wish you happiness and prosperity in the future.


i'm not sure about first sentence or about telling her i have access to emails and phone log. what do you think?

i thought i answered question about exposing to OWH#2 but i don't see it here. i just found address and phone number for him last saturday. i tried both and no one was home. i'm trying to figure out a time i can contact him when OW is not home. i admit i was a nervous wreck all day saturday but i still plan to do it.

ROP, I would use the letter in Surviving an Affair. And it is none of that ho's business what happens in your marriage. Do you have the book Survivng an Affair?

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Good girl! Another option would be to go there when the OW is there and tell him. You can take a friend with you for moral support.