I have a strange and sordid story, and I have made a lot of foolish mistakes. Here's the short version:

My wife has been having an affair with my (former) best friend for five months now. OM admitted to her he'd been carrying a torch since around January, but the Emotional Affair really kicked off in August.

Our marriage has been rocky for a long time. For years I've been trying to improve it, but she's been emotionally shut down so I've been frustrated. (And yes I realize my part in causing her to be like this.)

OM is a mutual friend of some 8+ years. My wife has been meeting him for lunch for a year. It began innocently, but he is a professional counselor and she began confiding her marriage woes to him. I trusted both of them completely, we all had strong faith and attended the same church (where he is involved the counseling ministry), and she had said many times she didn't find him attractive and was always trying to hook him up with girlfriends because she felt sorry for him. After two years of her trying to hook him up with her friends, I was used to it anyway. I also played games with him every week, and occasionally met with one or both of them. I trusted OM like a brother.

Anyway I encouraged their meetings.

At the end of August WW suggested an open marriage. I was shocked at first and said no. It never even dawned on me that she might be thinking of OM. During September she suddenly starting become much more friendly and passionate... and open to me. She was really trying for the first time in years. I finally thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel and determined to do anything I could to take advantage of this opportunity to save my marriage.

In October WW again wanted an open marriage, this time a threesome fantasy with OM. I was skeptical but it seemed like part of her "awakening" and after a decade of no progress I was ready to jump at anything. I agreed to take a chance and see what happened, but set strict rules. (FWIW, that fantasy never happened, thank God)

So now I gave them permission to have sex.

During this time she confided how they professed mutual love way back in August, felt guilty sneaking around and making out, and now they were happy they didn't have to sneak anymore. She said the whole open marriage idea was gross, she really was only interested in him. And then she said what she really wanted was Polyandry -- two husbands forever.

It hit me like a brick: this was an affair, and I had permitted it. I tried to stop it but he was angry and she was depressed. I was afraid she'd shut down emotionally and I'd lose this chance. I didn't want to be the bad guy and lose her. And I still didn't see him as a threat. All along he kept saying how this was good for our marriage, how he was doing me a favor helping her open up, and how he would "phase out" if I said the word.

So in the end I said fine, make your own decision, but what you are doing is wrong. I'll leave it between you and God. (yeah, I know...)

But it bothered me more and more. They got sneakier and sneakier, concealing it from me, and now she was having sex only with him and not me. I finally read her emails. She had told me what sexy emails he wrote and how I should read them and learn. So I read them. And lost it.

OM was trash talking me to her behind my back, promising to be there for her when our marriage inevitably failed, saying that even if I said to stop they'd defy me and sneak behind my back because they could never stop now.

I immediately called a cease and desist. Now I saw him for the predator he had become, and a very immediate threat. They promised not to have sex, not to meet, not to email except with me as a middle man. And broke all three of them so fast it made my head spin.

I now realized it was out of control so basically tried to play it cool and consider my options. At first I tried to compete but realized I couldn't. Then I discussed divorce as a possibility if this didn't end "soon". Which it hasn't.

Also she KEPT talking about OM and me making up and her finally getting her threeway. This was abhorrent to me but I did wonder if I was doing the right thing. Maybe the open marriage thign would work adn this would all blow over. Both she and he encouraged me to find someone, and ultimatley WW and I met an unmarried "swinger" couple and I "played" with them while WW watched.

Shot myself in the foot. Now they felt justified. OM gloated that they were more moral than I because for them it was "all about love". He told me they had done nothing without permission... which is technically true, I allowed everything, even if it was under false pretenses on their part. He threatened to sue me if I ever told anyone what was happening, because it would impact his career as a counselor and he had proof that I gave them permission.

Now I just want it over. I made terrible mistakes. After reading SAA I know what to do, but how can I do it?

If I expose him, he will sue me, and apparently he already notified his lawyer a month ago.

And how can exposure even do any good when I agreed to an open marriage? If I reveal that, everyone will shrug and say "your own fault". If I don't reveal it, it makes me look dishonest when it does come out, and it will.

My wife and I still want to preserve our marriage. We both want to fall in love again. She doesn't want to leave because of the kids, and finances, but she won't stop talking to OM, and OM won't leave her along. He works graveyard and meets her for 2 hour lunches while I am at work and sends her 5-20 emails a day and trash talks me. There is no relief.

Right now my wife is conciliatory, she wants to work on our marriage and give it a chance. If I expose I may throw away that good will, may even drive her to divorce. But if I don't expose, he won't go away.

He himself admitted to her recently (in a moment of guilt) that she doesn't have a chance with me as long as he is in the picture. He feels guilty about abandoning his faith (and so does she) but admitted that won't stop him, nothign will stop him. They agree they need to stop but they can't do it, and they know that they lose control when they see each other.

What can I do? I've repented of my mistakes and immorality. Is it too late?

Should I expose him? Can he really sue me?

I can hope he won't sue me, for her sake since she's married. OTOH if he financially ruined me then she'd be ripe picking. But if he sued he might also alienate her. Arg.

I have a good list of people to contact for him, including his parents (whom he LIVES WITH), but will it do any good given the circumstances?

I am willing to expose him TOMORROW if need be. I'm willing to tell my two children (who both know him and think of him as a family friend). I'm willing to admit my whole sordid involvement in this.

Sometime I think I'm between a rock and a hard place, my wife is lost and my marriage is ruined, maybe now divorce or an open marriage is the best I can hope for. I don't want either one.

I'm desperate for good advice here. My own efforts have only caused trouble.

Any advice is appreciated. I am at wit's end.

Addendum: I never gave them permission to conduct a secret emotional affair for two months. For her to have sex with me while thinking of him. I never gave them permission to commit
"adultery" despite an open marriage. I demanded total transparency, which they violated by hiding and lying to me. And then after I said NO MORE, they continued to commit emotional and physical adultery without any permission. So OM's claims that I "permitted everything" are false, or at least overstated.

I do have a ton of email evidence. Unfortunately the emails from before "open marriage" fiasco have a few references to falling in love, but trying to be good and avoid sex, adn him encouraging her to work on her marriage and be more intimate with me. It sort of makes him look like a good guy who accidentally fell in love. That is until you thinka bout the fact that he's a friend and a professional counselor who should have known better, and should have backed away as soon as he realized what was happening.

After the "open marriage" the emails become sordid and gross. Then after I called it off, he became paranoid and abusive. I have a LOT of email with him threatening me, trash talking me to my face and behind my back, promising to wait for her and to sneak behind my back, saying he feels guilty, even admitting that "now they have commited adultery for real". So I do have evidence.

He is threatening to sue me for destroying his career. And he is threatening to sue for reading her email -- even though she sort of encouraged it, I have always had free access to her email up until this summer, and she leaves it totally unprotected despite know that I read it.

A month ago he encouraged her to set a private gmail account. I don't know if she has. They've really chilled on email. Yesterday I answered her cell phone (again like I always have, I even borrow it on occasion) and she told him thats not safe. I think now they're just talking in person or maybe in a secret email account, but I'm pretty sure I have plenty of evidence.

SMM,

I'll just make a simple point, this OM has absolutely no business being counselor in your mutual church or ANY CHURCH! There are professional standards for counselors and OM has broken them even more so has he broken the moral standards of your church, if the church leadership does not agree they are broken too.

You've done the world a favor by exposing this cretin.

God Bless
Gamma

SMM,

she had said many times she didn't find him attractive and was always trying to hook him up with girlfriends because she felt sorry for him. After two years of her trying to hook him up with her friends,

He had been plotting to get with her for two years! This affair has very deep roots.

God Bless
Gamma

Cockroaches scramble for cover when the lights are turned on....Expose this fool (and your gaslighting wife and yourself for that matter) and he's not gonna sue you...he's gonna climb back under his rock.

As an attorney...I'm telling you...as long as you speak the truth you've got nothing to fear. OM's threaten but NEVER sue. They aren't going to voluntarily subject themselves to the discovery process...to interrogatories, and depositions to try and claim you are lying.

Now...it MAY be a tad safer to expose calling it "an affair" and/or an "extra-marital affair" but stopping short of calling it "adultery" only because you don't have physical proof (a videotape, for example) of them actually having sex (you may have it but is it admissible???).


You've been tricked. She extorted you into agreeing to things you wouldn't ever agree to had you known all the facts...she made you desperate you were losing her and willing to try anything to keep control. You've got stuff to own and certainly some personal inventory here but you can get YOURSELF down that road by exposing them and yourself at the same time.

I can't wait to hear your exposure story. The more aggressively you do this the more likely OM will dump your WW and move on to more available fish in the ocean. The guy is single...he doesn't need this hassle. Hit hard and fast.

Good luck and welcome to MB.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I'm presuming no kids??????

Hi SYM, welcome to Marriage Builders. You have a good chance to kill this affair fairly quickly if you will listen to us. I would plan a grand exposure all on the same day. Go to the OM's facebook page and copy and paste his facebook contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping.

Copy all of your evidence emails and take it to a safe place that your wife can never find.

All on the same day - preferably this week - send a letter exposing him to your church board, his employer and the licensing board in your state. I would be sure and tell them all that he has blackmailed you. Look at the link in my signature for exposure letters.

Other exposure targets should be his family and friends [sample letters in my signature link], your wife's parents, close family, your parents, close friends and your children.

Doing this will kill the affair and wake them up from this sick fantasy. There are no guarantees, but this is your best chance. Please go read the link in my signature so you will know what to do.

You need to do this right and do it BIG. It has to be a tsunami effect on the infidels in order to be effective. Doing a trickle exposure will backfire on you because it won't be enough to kill the affair but will be just enough to piss off the affairees so they can come after you harder. GO LARGE OR GO HOME!

Go install a keylogger on her computer before you do anything. You can download eblaster at spectorpro.com. It will email you the reports and you can get right into her secret email account.

And be sure and HIDE any evidence away from your house so she can't destroy it. She will look for it.

They have purposefully tried to do everything in their power to stop you doing the one thing that would hurt the affair the most - exposure.

And OM, who has abused his position of trust and the trust of his employers is threatening YOU?

Expose Mr Cockroach this instant before he gives any one else 'marriage advice'

I think you have seen and now know that an open marriage is not a viable alternative. Sorry you are here, but it is a great place to learn, heal and grow, both individually and in your marriage.

Exposure will be the *only* way to end this affair. The first thing you need to do with exposure is tell your church leadership. He is in a position where he is abusing people. I'd bet dollars to donuts that he's bluffing on the lawsuit. He destroyed his career when he chased down someone's wife.

Remember, scripture commands Christians to confess their sins one to another. You have an obligation as a professing believer to expose this.

CV

Give him to her. Just say you win. You think he is so great. Well he gets cheating skank and I get free. This should be all that's necessary to wake her up. You let her disrespect and cuckold you. You need to man up.

SMM, you've gotten good advice so far (um, well, I'd disregard ouchthathurt since you obviously wish to save your marriage.)

You MUST expose OM to the church and his employer, if they aren't one and the same. That business of a lawsuit is to scare you and blackmail you into silence. He has no grounds for a lawsuit. He's running scared, because he knows he has grievously breeched a professional client/therapist relationship and could lose his license. As he should! This guy is a dirtbag who has no business being in the field of therapy.

You've made some major blunders, trying to keep your marriage together. Good that you've seen that. You can save this, but you've got to be very strategic. The first step is killing the affair, and you do that with exposure.

Please follow the advice of maritalbliss and Celtic voyager. Reading your story has made me sick to my stomach. Your WW and her POSOM are disgusting. I can say this because I am a WW who was with a psychopath. This "counselor" POSOM sounds like an honest to God psychopath and shouldn't be giving anyone advice. Google psychopath and you'll see he fits every criteria. Do not let yourself be steam rolled by both of them. Shame on your wife. She needs a HUGE wakeup call and the only way to do that is through exposure. You are the father of her children and deserve to be treated respectfully. She can't have her cake and eat it, too!
Do not sit by............expose NOW........do it the way MB and CV told you. Listen to Mr. Wondering and don't worry about that sick POS suing you. No judge in their right mind would side with a POS who fools around with a married woman.......I don't care if you "gave permission" or not.
Sounds like you and your children deserve much better. Your wife needs help from Marriage Builders. She's falling down a slippery slope.
Your post has made me feel so emotional because I can see her POSOM manipulating you and your wife. He still lives with his parents? Seriously? How old is he? He has no clue what responsibility is. He talks a good game (again, psychopath).
Sorry to ramble it's just my heart is breaking for you AND your WW.
CT

You cannot be sued for speaking or writing the truth. He is trying to scare you off. You need to get tested for STD's. She does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. See an attorney to understand your options. She cannot have both of you.

If there is any future threat from him to sue you, calmly say " If you do, I will countersue you back."

I would welcome him to do so. Let him know you have proof of his disgusting, unprofessional and predatory behavior and have no problem introducing it in open court.

That would be WONDERFUL if this turd sued you for exposing him because then you could SUBPEONA all of his email and cell phone records under discovery. And call witnesses!!

A good time would be had by all!!

That WOULD be amazing, but alas waywards usually scuttle back under their rock when confronted. All mention of court forgotten Then you have to lift the rock of them via exposure.

It would be nice if just ONE was dumb enough to go to court. The BS would have a field day.

Thank you all SO MUCH for the encouraging words. I can't tell you how good it is to get this off my chest. I've been reluctant to do or say anything, feeling I had little or no right due to my own guilt in all this.

To answer some questions:


We have been long time attendees (17 years) at a conservative bible church. We even led a small home group bible study a few years back.

OM has been involved as a volunteer in the church's counseling program and I think he hopes they'll sponsor him to get his license and open his own practice. He currently works at a home for troubled youth.

Both OM and I know the counseling pastor well. He oversees both the home study groups and the counseling program. Plus wife and I received marital counseling there about four years ago, which didn't help us.

OM still attends regularly. My wife and I have not attended for about six months, partially out of a sense of spiritual alienation over recent events. We visited another local church about a month ago but felt very strange with our double life.


My views on open marriage? All my life I beleived it was a sin and also a marriage destroyer. In recent years when our marriage was awful I wished maybe it was an option because I was lonely, but still believed it was wrong and would not consider it. I decided if marriage became impossible I would have to leave first, but I also didn't believe in divorcing unless there was infidelity. When WW suggested it the first time I refused to even consider it, was sure it would destroy us, and thought maybe she was testing me also. Later she said she was joking but the seed was planted and I started reading up on it. A month later I was afraid of the practical fallout but had rationalized it in my mind, "as long as there is no adultery we could fool around." So I gave permission to do everything up to that point (which restriction they ignored).

Now I see that it was playing with fire and never a good idea. At the time I was reading Leviticus and seeing lots of apparent loopholes. Now I'm reading Romans and I think understanding it for the first time. After reading about "love tanks" I realize any sex outside of marriage is the stupidest most foolish most unloving thing either one of us could do, if we care one fig for our marriage. It was a fantasy that should never have been entertained, much less indulged. I won't say it has no temptation, I am weak, but now I know my weakness and am determined to flee it.

If there's one good thing that has come out of this, now DW and I know each other and know ourselves. No more illusions.

No we have two boys, 9 and 13. They just asked me yesterday if maybe OM could come over and play a game with us. I just said no. Very soon they will know why.


Neither can I. I'm shaking with nervous anticipation... :-)


I know. At this point I don't really desire revenge, and I feel sorry for him having fallen into this trap. He was once a friend and as Dr Harley points out, this can happen to any of us if we're not careful. The thing is, he did know better. He admitted that as a counselor he knew the danger of spending so much time with her, and the counseling pastor even caught them having lunch many months ago and warned him of the danger. And of course it was his friends wife. He had every opportunity to walk away before it got out of hand and chose not to.

This is the second married woman I know he's been with - yes after professing love to my WW in August he cheated with another married woman, told us about it and excused it as just a meaningless fling. If a couple came to him for counseling and were having an affair, what would he say? If he gets away with this and gets his license he'll do it again, he'll have a formula that works, a steady stream of troubled people to prey on, and the temptation will be too great.

I can't escape my responsibility. Even if I have to pay because of my role in this, I have to let the truth out.

Luke 8:17 For nothing is hidden that will not become evident, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light.

If I don't want to be judged with him, I need to take my stand now. Besides I'm sick of hiding, sick of covering for them. This happened to ME, I can tell MY story. He took that chance when he chose to get involved with other people.


I know where he is employed. I'm a little reluctant to go there, since its not affiliated with the church, not a christian organization, and we are not actual clients. That is directly meddling in his career.

(My wife said once that maybe he could help us since he's a counselor, but now I think she's say it was just an ongoing friendship so couldn't rely on her testimony there.)

The church has its own standards of conduct separate from state requirements, and as a member of the church I think I have a right and responsibility to speak up. Not so sure about work. Its not illegal for a counselor have unusual morals (as long as he doesn't hide them), and if its not illegal then it may be seen as malicious meddling.

I can always expose at church, and hold his employer as an ace in the hole. Then he wouldn't dare sue, because he'd be instantly fired as a result of discovery. At least he doesn't counsel married people at work.

So what is your plan?