Why is this?

In your Exposure 101 it says NOT to select a subset. It also says NOT to partially expose.

Not that it's hard to pick a subset:

I've got 17 current close friends and old friends, plus her mom and three sisters. That includes at least one former BW, and one former WW and her ex-BH.

That leaves out casual church acquaintences (who are more likely just to feel weird and unfriend her), moms of our kids schoolmates who are casual friends but she has to see them all the time and volunteer with them at the school, and about 100 people I don't recognize at all.


She's going to be numb and feel all alone. I hope she doesn't withdraw into her shell forever after this.

Oh yeah, I can unplug phone & internet & TV at the curb. lol.
Gee, the cable company must be having a service disruption.

Not her cell phone, though I could "misplace" it and turn it off so it doesn't ring. Wow that will be a total information blackout. Of course she could already have a clandestine lunch date scheduled. I'll have to watch for that.

OK so it sounds like your saying do the FB expose with OM only, but be a little gentler with her and keep it to a select few really close friends/family?

Godspeed, smm.

Be brave. The courage is in the doing but realize you will be awakening a hotbed of anger that will make you question your actions. She (and he) will try to punish you and/or manipulate you to STOP your campaign. They always try to convince you that this is "the straw that broke the camel's back" like things were moving towards reconciliation until you pulled this stunt. Don't buy it....same crap ...different wayward.

Maintain your resolve. You did what you thought you had to do to try to save your family.

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing.

Mr. W

Yes you are right, but facebook exposure is intended for the OP, not the WS. You can CALL and email all the key people for the WS. For the OP you can't so facebook is your only avenue.


I would call her mother and sisters and EMAIL everyone else. You want to keep facebook exposures to a bare minimum because it is time consuming. And you most definitely need to speak to her closest relatives personally.

I agree. I would also inquire what the steps are for pursuing charges against him (in the church). The leadership there may take on the task on your behalf or you may have to file charges yourself. Depends on the denom (or non-denom), but there is usually a process.

UDPATE: I talked to my brother in law tonight who is an attorney. He practically pleaded with me not to proceed with this. He said that since I read her email, I could be liable for criminal charges if I open my mouth or do ANYTHING. He said that my state already has some laws on this, and the laws are currently evolving. This is a new field in the last three years.

If there is any reasonable expectation of privacy, and I make ANY use of that information whatsoever even if I stumble across it by accident, I could be found civilly or even criminally liable. He said IF this guy indeed sues me, that the lawsuit would be setting new legal precedent but there is a very high risk that I could lose and he could win. That also probably means a high profile lawsuit with a lot on the line and a lot of interested parties.

I only have three options:
(1) permit the affair
(2) convince her to call it off, and get into therapy
(3) divorce her

OM has me over a barrel it would seem. I cannot take this risk, I have two children that depend on me. This guys is a lunatic, he's practically bipolar and I think there is a strong likelihood he would sue me.

So he will get away with his blackmail and his predatory ways, unless I can find another way.

Sorry to disappoint. I was so looking forward to this.

BTW my attorney also strongly cautined me not to attempt to pressure her in any way (for example even talking to family). I'm not sure if there is potential legal liability there. Legally she is an adult and I have to let her make up her own mind without any interference.

I have no rights. Marriage doesnt' mean jack squat in this nation anymore. If I ever end up you can be darn sure I will never legally bind myself in this way again. Honorable marriage before God, yes absolutely. Sign a legal certificate not on your life.


Suddenly this advice sounds very wise.

This sucks. I guess I got what I deserved in all of this.

Time to talk to a divorce lawyer.

Mr. Wondering is also a lawyer and has been here a long time. You're not getting advice from individuals who are ignorant to the law. In fact, we have several attorneys on here.

Two things will happen-you'll expose and have the possibility of saving your marriage and expose your ex friend diet the fraud he is

Or don't expose, get divorced, and let your ex friend continue to lie to others about what kind of person he is.

Fear is often a motivater for people to do nothing. Right now I'd be much more motivated by anger and wanting to do what is right

Your brother in law is an overly protective overly cautious idiot apparently practicing risk management.

OM doesn't want a high profile case with him starring as the "Other Man".

I only know of two men charged with reading their wife's email. One I haven't researched much yet but the other guy is Leon Walker (google Leon Walker and "Jessica Cooper") who was charged in my state and my county by an overzealous seemingly wayward prosecutor. After charges were files Leon appealed and it's in the appellate court right now with the appellate court demanding that the prosecutor "show cause" why and how the state laws they are charging him with apply in a domestic situation where the husband was on the family computer in his own home and her password was available in the notebook sitting next to the computer. In the end...even if he's convicted I'd expect little more than a slap on the wrist. Even the judge hearing the case (Judge Moore???) tampered with his mother or mother in laws computer after her death and/or deleted some hard drive or something in a contentious probate court case. This case is the rarest of exceptions....Leon's mistake was telling the police anything about how he obtained the information...the state has the burden of proof so how would they PROVE he read her email unless he told them (remember...he could have just stayed silent so I'm not saying lie)

Anyway...why do you have to disclose any of the emails or discuss anything you snooped with anyone. They ARE having an affair. The truth of that statement is undeniable and IF they deny it under oath and you have proof they are lying then THEY could be subject to perjury charges which are a lot more serious than a spying on your adulterous wife snooping charges.

Anyway...I sure hope you aren't a troll that just took us through this whole extended setup so you could simply teach us how dangerous and potentially legally troubling exposure can be. Nothing is 100%. There are certainly risks with everything...but exposing affairs is the most effective tool available to bust up affairs and as a lawyer AND a betrayed husband myself, I feel the risk to myself getting in trouble for snooping on my wayward wife and an OM is well worth the risk if it means I have the best chance to save my marriage and family. My family and wife is/was worth it. I can't make that determination for everyone but from time to time we have trolls and waywards stop by trying to deter us from our mission by overstating the risks of exposure. Other men don't sue for slander/defamation. They threaten all the time but never sue and if you are smart about your snooping and smart about your exposure no one ever has to know how you got your information [not even your attorney]. When you fight evil...sometimes you've got to pick up your shield AND a sword and fight dirty. Again...my wife is/was worth it.

Mr. Wondering

I agree with kilted. Don't let fear rule you. Fight the good fight!


Um, your BIL is trying to talk you out of exposure? Firstly, I would ask has his marriage survived an affair? And whose interests is he representing? SMM, it is sad but true that blood is often thicker than water. And that people who have never been a BS have no idea what to do. And that solicitors are not equipped in saving marriages, rather they dispense legal advice on how best to divvy up the assets and custody. Solicitors are best left to divorce if that is where you want to head.

Re-read this SMM. Your BIL has put the wind up you. So this has never happened before, but almost certainly would happen IF you expose and IF the OM sues.

No, you have four options, the 4th you are overlooking because of FEAR.
(4) Expose, fight the good fight for your marriage by telling what is only the truth. Know that you did the best you could to recover your wife and marriage.

So you will just give up, allow WW to waltz into the sunset with OM. Let your two children that depend on you be exposed to a guy that "is a lunatic, he's practically bipolar".

You can do better than that. Your children deserve it. Man up and FIGHT!

My wife asked me and I truthful with her. She told him, he accused me in email, and in my response defending myself I admitted it. Well in the email I said I had permission, but my wife denied it.

So yes he effectively has a written confession.


No not at all. Computer tech is a major part of the economy in my state and they pride themselves on thier progressiveness. Other states may well be more permissive.

I want it to work on so many levels. I could talk to another attorney.


Other men maybe don't have 80,000 in student loans, a crap graveyard job that wtih a layoff threat every few months, extreme fatigue every day causing bipolar behavior. He is dangerously unstable and has everything to lose.

Honestly I thought my best chnace with exposure was to make him go ballistic and threaten lawsuits if not actually attempt it, because then she'd see him for the psycho he is. But that won't work if he can actually win.

He thinks he can have his license in a year. He told her he'd wait a year and then he'd be financialy stable and could give her a decent home, and she could leave me. She stays with me because of the money and the kids.

If he sues me and wins damages, he gets my money, so now he is attractive and I'm broke. Suing me is a win-win for him. He gets the money and he gets the girl.

She "consented" is the defense you stick to then (and stop volunteering information to your enemies in the name of being truthful...this is a war for your family and against evil...they are using your integrity against you...stop it).

She left her email open on the family computer and/or it's a shared email account that you've always used sometimes. She "allowed" you to have access to set you up and claim you were illegally snooping. Give better reasons and realize that hardly a prosecutor in the country wants to pursue criminal charges against a betrayed husband.

Further..."Other Men" make very unsympathetic litigants. Juries won't award your money to OM no matter what you do.


This is the betrayed spouse fear kicking in. It's common. Your searching for excuses and reasons NOT to go into battle. You're scared and I/we understand. The courage is found in the doing. You will feel better about exposure AFTER you do it. Your wife actually needs you to stand up for her...it's part of your role as a husband and as others have said, as a Christian you are obligated to expose this sin to the church. It's tough standing up against evil and may involve some pain but it's still the right thing to do.

Mr. Wondering

Besides...if and when he sues you and somehow wins ...you'll be divorced and broke anyway. You'll just go bankrupt on his silly little judgement and call it a day.

remember...I'm pretty sure you can go bankrupt and protect any remaining IRA/401k's and other retirement monies.

you haven't been sued yet...and you're not even in divorce litigation so if you've got substantial assets it may be time to liquidate some of them. I'm not saying illegally hide money...but just spend it. Once it's gone...there's less to fight about and you've got nicer clothes and toys either way.

Mr. Wondering

Exactly!
Your BIL is likely now going to warn your WW of your intended actions. Your "window of opportunity" is likely now a lot smaller.

Thanks Mr Wondering, that makes a lot of sense. I realize that did look like a troll. I edited my post to remove the "warning" since that really wasn't the point. I am however going to delay action until I have a clear plan and can talk to my attorney again. I know there's got to be a way to do this. I haven't slept all night.

I do wonder if posting detailed information publicly here is a good idea though. Maybe I should be a bit more circumspect in what I share.

No he didn't get where he is by violating attorney-client confidentiality.

Were you actually his client at the time of that discussion, or what it an informal discussion?

SMM,
You have to keep in mind that exposing your wife is doing her a favor. This will wake her up to reality (especially regarding your children). She will begin to see what a POS the OM is. Do not let fear determine your actions. Mr. Wondering is right.
Besides, isn't it worth the risk? Why keep living like this?
And attorney client priviledge won't mean crap to your BIL. He is her BROTHER.......yes? Or married to one of her sisters? In any case, he's trying to protect her and probably already told her about your conversation.
SMM.........you are too trusting. Stop it! This is what has caused all of this to go too far.
My husband still doesn't trust me and that's a GOOD thing! The fear tactic should be kept for your wife......not you. Fear is what has kept me from messing up even more. I have finally seen the reality of what I did. I am so thankful to God that my husband took the actions he did and he SAVED me! What a disaster it would have been for me to end up with my psychopathic OM.
She might hate you for awhile but she'll come to realize you were helping her and she'll grow to be thankful.
Don't back down!!!!!
CT

SMM, you have a much greater, REAL risk of ending up in court in a divorce action if you DON'T expose. You are headed right straight to divorce right now. And you are partly at fault because you choose to ENABLE this affair. You could have killed this affair and run off the OM and you chose instead to enable the affair.

There is nothing we can do to help you if you enable the affair. Nothing. Enablers don't make it and those who operate on fear don't make it. If you have to go run to a "lawyer" before you burb, you are not going to make it. At some point you have to stop dithering, stop crying, stop shaking in fear and just do what is right. And exposure is the right thing to do.

Those of us here in recovered marriages are here because we exposed. If you don't want to save you marriage, that is your choice. It is your marriage to lose.

Why are you consutling with a lawyer?! Telling the truth is not illegal anywhere! Expose!

If the guy was making moves on the underage daughter of a friend, would you get legal advice before telling her parents? If he was stealing from his employer would you check if you could tell on him? Course not.

You are simply reacting to all the 'its your fault' gaslighting. This sometimes has the effect of making a BS feel they cannot do anything right and gets them to freeze in the headlights like a deer.



Are you kidding me? He's her brother. Even if he thinks shes a disgrace and you're a top bloke - he will want to protect his sister and family reputation.

He isnt going to get into trouble for violating your confidence either. Because she wont tell anyone he did.

She will simply run around bad mouthing you, talking about how crazy jealous you are to discredit you before you can expose.

You have very little time to do this now. Stop warning her and her family of your intentions and expose NOW