I'm sorry, estrela, but you absolutely DID NOT implement the right steps first time around. I am not blaming you for this; this forum was a very different place in 2006 and it seems nobody referred to Dr Harley's advice, much less insisted that it be properly applied. At least - I could see no-one, not ONE SINGLE PERSON, who posted to your 2006 threads and told you to do what Dr Harley said, step by step. One person told you not to expose and another told you not to snoop - the direct opposite of what Dr H advises. Others said nothing when you let your H move out and live part-time with you, and nothing still when you let him move back STILL IN CONTACT. And finally, nothing at all was said about Dr Harley's instructions for travelling jobs, which is to end the travel. And after ending one travelling job, a former wayward should NEVER take up a new travelling job, as your H did.

I wonder how many false recoveries were fostered by the culture of the old forum. This forum was used for venting and commiserating. You even called one of your threads "Vent", and you were allowed to vent when what you needed was HELP.

I've been through 8 years of false recovery which was fostered by my H's travelling job. It was only when I began lurking here in 2007 that I found out that I should first, expose to OWH (I had his full contact details for two years and did nothing with them) and second, install a keylogger. (My H gave up his traveling job on the spot the day I said I was leaving him, in 2006, so at least I did that much on my own.)

My H and OW kept up their phone-based contact, about every six months, between 2007 and this year. Their emails show that they never met in person during the previous 5 years, but they were planning to do so this year. When I found out through the keylogger, I forced a choice on my H. He was about to retire, so workplace contact would no longer be possible (which is why he sent en email from the home PC, for the first time ever). His retirement, and being based at home where I also work, and his immediate choice to end the affair, is why we are still together right now. My spying gives me the reassurance I need to know that I am not being used yet again.

MelodyLane and others on this board today are the only reason I knew how to do things properly this time. If I had been posting here in the good old days I would be where you are today, instad of finally recovering my marriage.

You need to take the right steps THIS TIME. You don't need "passion" to do that - not in the sense of passionate love. You need a desire not to be used again.

Does this woman live abroad, as did OW in my case? If so, look into having them tailed when your H goes abroad. You can hire a PI online from another country.

If you can hold off blowing things up tonight, you might be able to get some info when your H uses his PC. He is bound to send her an email if he has no idea you are tagging him.

I see that you were planning to talk to him tonight, and he knows this. Well, by all means do that, and ask about the affair, but do NOT give away that you intend to spy on him or have him followed. You need some hard evidence if you are going to blow up this affair.

SugarCane,
Thanks for taking the time and trouble to understand my past history. All you say is true. The way the affair ended at that time was very hurtful, but I think he was in NC for a while. The marriage was feeling right for a while. Not anymore.
In any case, this OW, if the same, is not married. She is adept of some kind of polyandry theory. My WH even mentioned having lunch with her family while in Israel. I mean, he met her family, her father, and they knew he was married, so no hope from there.
I doubt he will agree to transparency and stop travelling. I will have this conversation when he comes home today. Pray for me and for the kids.

How do you know this? Have you verified it with them personally? Don't take the word of your WH - he is a wayward, and waywards are liars.

Have you contacted her family in Israel? Does she even know he is married? Is he also married to her?

Oh goodness, what a thought, but she is right.

I felt that my H had two marriages when I found out about the affair. He wasn't actually married twice - but yours might be.

I haven't contacted her family. She worked for my husband, so yes, she knew he is married, with kids. I even met her once. After he sent the NC letter, he told me she was badmouthing him, saying things about bad decision making at work. This helped separate them at that time. I thought it would be over, but I guess I am too naive.
when he was in the fog, he would tell me all kinds of stuff about them. He became friends with her sister, and told me he missed conversations with her father. Maybe he's been seeing them when he goes to Israel.
I will not mention spying or the computer keylogger. Just try to get account of what's going on. If he denies, or refuses, I am looking for a lawyer.

Do they work together??

No, his company closed in 2005, shortly before I found out about the affair. I know she moved to Atlanta, and she might be living in Israel now. She might come to NY for work and they meet when she is here, or when he is there. That makes sense and fits the pattern of what I've been finding in his credit card statements.
I do not think there is marriage involved.

estrela, I beg you to be very strategic about this.

If your H refuses to stop travelling, then you can go ahead and tell him to leave.

But I suspect he will say that he does not want to leave. This is because this affair has been going on for so long that I can see that the dual, parallel lifestyles are what he wants. He does not want fidelity with you, but he does not want to end his marriage for OW, either. He wants both of you. He wants two women meeting his needs in perpetuity. I suspect that if you force him to choose tonight (which you should), he will SAY he is choosing you, but then simply go behing your back and contact OW at the first opportunity. And until you trap him doing that, or see over the longer term that he isn't contacting her, you cannot know where you stand.

That is why you must not give him the slightest clue that you are snooping. The snooping must never stop, and it won't be effective if you tell him about it.

He might say tonight that he will give up the job, but that he needs to give in his notice. Certainly he will use the fact that tomorrow is the last working day for about 10 days, and there is no-one at work still for him to contact. My point is, he might say he will stop, but you will not be able to see that he HAS stopped contact for several days and probably weeks.

You must keep spying for a long time to protect yourself, so do not reveal what you are doing during tonight's talk..

estrala, I would hire a PI and get some spyware on his phone when he comes tonight. Can you do that? What kind of phone does he have?

Does he take a laptop with him?

Does the OW have a facebook page?

She has a facebook page. I checked his and hers page and they are not friends, nor there is any messages between them...
He has a blackberry, but I do not know how to spy on his phone. Can I hear the conversations?
He has 2 computers at home. I will install the spyware on the other one also.
The laptop he uses only when travelling. Might try to get it also...

Ok, go to her page and copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc and save it.


Go to eblaster for blackberry's and read up on how to install. [spectorsoft.com] It will send you a call log and the transcript of all his texts. It also has a built in GPS which you really need. http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/eBlaster_mobile/index.asp


Get a keylogger on his laptop AND on the computer he uses he at home. You can download eblaster for computers on that too. It will send you reports. http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/eBlaster_Windows/index.asp

Set up a web based email account in gmail or yahoo to send the reports to. You don't want him to come across the reports on your computer.

Just had the talk. He denied he is having an affair. He loves only me. I am making a story about nothing. He was with friends last night and slept in a friend house.
The name? Carl. Do not know his last name.
I told him this is not working and if that's all he has to say, I will be calling a lawyer tomorrow. He said again I am making a story about nothing. We went back and forth like this, until he decided he was tired of the conversation and we can continue this tomorrow....

I would stop confronting him about it .. PLAN A him .. and wait for him to slip up and give you the goods VIA keylogger and spyware.He will NEVER admit it until you hit him with it in his face.

I personally like www.desktopshark.com but only because its cheaper ... and I am using it. You can see all the logs from ANY computer by logging into their site and the program allows you to "monitor" more than 1 PC at a time. unlimited actually.

MNG

STOP talking about it and please do what I suggested. Start spying on him and stop asking him what he is doing.

OK. I purchased another spyware license for the second computer (I will either install it tonight after he is sleeping or tomorrow), and I bought the blackberry spyware also. The bb will be hard to get. He sleeps with the beast. But I will find a way.
Please keep me in line. I want to do the right thing here!
Thanks!

Good girl!!

So, in the meantime, how do I behave towards him?
He is trying to be nice and charming.
Should I go plan A or towards plan B?????