Pokerface - I am really happy for you.
I wish my WH would change also.I changed a lot since A and thought I was addressing his needs.
Now, I am in this mess again. And I cannot control myself.
I keep asking him about the credit card charges and who he took for dinner/opera/etc. He keeps saying nothing is going on and that he loves me. I told him that he cannot get away with it. Either he opens up, or I will take measures for separation.
I know you guys told me otherwise. It's just that I've been thorugh it before. I always told myself that if this happen again it will be over. I am going crazy trying to decide what to do. I was patient before and went thorough Plan A for a long time. Now I just cannot take all the lies anymore.
I am waiting to see if the computer logs give me any more clues.
Can I just sleep and wake up one year for now?

estrela, when you were here before you were given very poor information. I'm sorry for that, but because of that your marriage could not adequately heal from the infidelity.

But you are here now, and you're getting great advice. Please follow it! This is going to be hard work, but worth it if you want to save your M, and I believe you do.

You can't keep giving away your evidence to your WH! This will backfire on you! You MUST steel your nerves and resolve to follow the advice here to the letter.

Whether or not you wish to save your M is your decision to make. But don't keep shooting yourself in the foot if you are trying to kill the affair, okay?

Okay! I just went out to the supermarket to clear my mind a bit.
Get my nerves together.
I know you are all right, but just staying in the same house with him, knowing he is lying is very hard right now.
I will keep posting to find strenght to keep quiet for now.
Also, I cannot think of having physical contact right now. He's been trying to touch me or hugh me (comfort me from himself! how twisted is that?) but I cannot handle it right now.

Estrela, the reason you are here again is because no one ever told you how to recover when you were before. He cheats because he has no boundaries, NOT because you don't meet his needs. There is no reason for him to EVER go out without you or to travel to Israel without you. I can't believe your husband goes out to dinner in the evening with his friends without you. He leads a completely independent lifestyle that invites adultery. That is WHY he cheats. If he did not go out in the evening without you or travel to Israel without you, he couldn't very well carry on an affair, could he?

You are just in this mess because nothing changed that would PREVENT an affair. That will have to change this time.But you will need to find out what he is doing first. Once you do that, we will help you with next steps.

I am hoping you can get that spyware on his phone tonight. Can you do that?

honey, I know it is hard! I am hot tempered Irish so I can relate. But PLEASE control yourself and be SMART. Be strategic. Be like JAMES BOND.

I had another confrontation with him. I know... so not like James Bond. I am really trying to control myself, but I cannot.
How he can be so cruel?
I don't know when I can get his phone, he is always with it. Maybe tomorrow morning when he showers. I don't have the proper cable to do it, so need to find one beforehand...
I am crying my eyes out all the time. Last time some kind of survivor instict took over, but now I feel so vulnerable and hurt. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just not sure of what to do and that's driving me crazy.

Also, the dinners were suppose to be business related.
And the trips to Israel were to visit his parents, and son (who was in the army there). He is back now to the US. He is such a cute boy, nothing like his father.

Are you sure you need a cable to do it? Can you get the phone tonight when he is asleep?

That will have to end then. He can get another business or you can go with him. But he should not be going out to dinner without you. He could just as easily plan his business meals for lunch like every one else does.



And again. Either you go or he doesn't go. Your H should not go out at night without you and he should not even spend the night away from you again. That is recovery 101. His life should be so transparent that it would be impossible to lead a secret second life.

He sleeps next to the phone. Seriously. When I get next to it (if the blinking light is bothering me) he immediately wake up.
How can I download the spyware without a cable?
I will read the instructions on the website now and figure it out...

ok, you don't need to connect the phone to a computer to do this.

I just read instructions. Cable is not needed. Just the phone for a period of time. Will monitor his use to see when best time to do it. Thinking shower could be my best option if there is enough time.

Once you buy the software, you will get on the phone and open up the browser. You then type in a URL that will take you to spectorsoft to download it on the phone. Still reading....

eek, that is not much time. Cant you wait until he is in a very deep sleep and then snatch the phone?

Also, if you can get the phone, read his texts and emails and if you see anything, forward it yourself for safekeeping.

I know it's hard, estrela, but you have got to follow a strategy, here. Stop confronting him! Stop crying - pull yourself together, okay? If he is truly having an affair, you are making his affair partner look very good when he compares her to you. Wash your face, put on some make-up. Put on an attractive outfit and start making his favorite dinner.

Put some flowers on the table. Clean up the house if it's not tidy.

Your goal is for your WH to see you looking good and feeling great! (even if it's just a front.) You don't think OW is weeping and arguing with him, do you? Heck, no! She's wearing her nicest clothes, putting on perfume and making sure she is supplying him with as many of his needs as she can. If she knows you're behaving this way she is loving every second of it! You're making her conquest of your WH that much easier!

I'm not trying to be mean, estrela, but it is critical that you hit the ground running and tackle this head-on - in a strategic way! This skank might be able to meet some of his needs, but she's obviously not meeting them all. You need to use that to your advantage.

And stop the confrontations!

How long had be been asleep when you did that?

He is not good with deep sleep. Only if I drug him. He always wakes up in the middle of the night and go read in the other room.
I've been checking his phone when I have the occasion, but could not find any weird e-mails/text. I would not know about phone numbers. He is always on the phone for work and talk with different people every day.
I will try to put myself together, pretend this is all a bad theatrical play (I always wanted to be an actress anyway).
In any case I probably lost a couple of pounds so will look better in my clothes for the party tomorrow. I was not planning to go, but will make an effort and do it. It might help to be in the middle of people.

One hour, a bit more maybe.

Definitely go! You want to get around people and be at your social best. Let your WH see you socializing with others. Be witty, be charming. Smile and make it a point to circulate.

Stay away from the alcohol. You don't want to drink too much with everything that's going on.

Estrela, you have been getting most excellent advice by some of MB's best. Please listen.

I just finished reading your whole thread here, and every time I saw that you confronted him again, I said, "OH NO."

I used to be like that too, before I found MB. Understand that nowadays, Plan A is to last only a few WEEKS for women. There will be a moment when you will enter Plan B, and it won't last as long as it did the last time you were here. I am so glad that I came to MB when I did, because I am CERTAIN that I would have lost my mind had I had to deal with advice you were given back then.

You truly need to act like the best actress that you possibly can be. You are going to win the Academy Award for this.

All of your feelings are ones that all of us BSs have felt throughout the process.

I know you are not new to MB, but there is a link to Newly Betrayed in my siggy, and it explains more about how the forums advise nowadays.

Hang tough. Remember we are all here for you. Whenever you feel the need to confront him, or yell at him, come here and type away instead.