This sounds positive GJM, but it is good that you do not have expectations. It sounds as though you are sticking with Plan A for the meantime. A good Plan A with no lovebusters is very important for you both right now, as I am sure you know.

The gift sounds meaningful for WW, which is good. You know your wife and what she likes. What I would suggest as well is offering WW a sort of olive branch. You are in Plan A, so remind her that if she ends the affair, just what sort of marriage and man she would be recommitting to. A romantic marriage that meets EN's. I think something sentimental along with the gym gear, something that triggers memories of good times.

Think about very special memories, in-jokes that only the two of you know. The gift does not have to be expensive, it is the memory you want triggered. A collage of special photos is good. I remember Scotland gave a gift (a movie?) and card to her WH with mention of "Once upon a time you said you loved me. We can still live happily ever after" (forgive me for any errors, this is from my memory). It needs to be romantic... Dr Harley's whole premise is on building a romantic love.

Plan A is about showing your WW you can meet her EN's AND have a romantic marriage. Your Christmas gift is the perfect time to show her this. Surrounded by your children and you, under the tree, memories of past Christmases. Show her what she risks losing. You may not even have to go to the shop, it may be digging up mementos from the house and presenting them to her in some special way. Be creative. Share your ideas here.

Oh, and are you cooking?

She actually laid in our bed and fell asleep. She hasn't laid on it in over a month. Not that it's a sign or anything, but it was nice.

Hopefully, you responded to her little nap with two actions - one overt, one covert.

To her, you should have been welcoming of her concern for your physical well-being, and pleasantly accomodating to her period of rest.

Immediately after she left, you should have documented the entire session - "WW arrived at WWWW hours, talked, laid down at XXXX hours, slept for YY minutes, and left a ZZZZ hours" - in a journal that may be of use sometime if she goes back to the "dark side" in the future.

Anyway, whether or not this...approach....of hers leads to better days, at least it makes an acceptable lead-up to the Holiday, right?

GJM,

My DS11 told me this morning he didn't want us back together because she would do this again.

You might want to ask him why he said that, he many have observed your WW in other compromising situations with other partners you know nothing about. Tell him it is OK to tell you and that none of this is his fault. Cheating adults brainlessly think kids don't know what is going on.

In my experience kids hold in those kind of details for years upon years and it weighs heavily on them. My W didn't confront her father about his cheating, which she had observed from a very young age, until he was almost 80.

God Bless
Gamma

I wouldn't ask ds about it. About why he said it. He is stressed out enough and seems to be articulate enough to bring up things to you GJM.
Yay on her falling asleep on the bed. Baby steps are made with Plan A.
Great idea on the gift. I am also not a girly girl per se but like a tiny bit of bling (shiny costume jewelry) for pure fun to get even if I never wear it. Does she have pierced ears for shiny post earrings?

Enjoy the days you are with her. Should you ever split totally, you will recall them with appreciation. She will too.

Got a phone call from my command today. The OM and OMW are now presenting info to the investigator to show I had contact with the OMW. I don't know what can happen to me because of it, but I'm sure I'll be faced with charges next week. It's bad enough my family is in turmoil, but now we have to go through more. I just want everything to be done with. I'm going to talk to WW about it and let her know that her and the kids might feel the impact of this if it turns out that I get charged with disobeying a lawful order. I'm not going to LB, but just talk in a loving way and see how she responds. It's too bad that the OMW rolled on me, but I kind of expected it.

From my post of 20 December:

WW wants to sleep over on Christmas Eve...she will be sleeping on the couch and the kids will be here

"NG the Bookmaker" is accepting wagers on whether she actually does, or very late in the process finds an excuse to upset the plans. I'm opening the book at 7-to-5 for the latter...Dangle, retract, dangle, disappoint - all from Chapter 2 of the guide I referenced yesterday...Do NOT invest jack-doody in preparing for this event.

I would submit that turning you in for military justice consideration is about as good a way to cancel the sleep-over as she could devise.

Dude, you've gotta stop listening to your emotions and start using your frickin' head! My ulcer can't take much more of this foolishness!

Why be loving? No need to be furious, but no need to be overly polite, either.

I'll tell you how she'll respond--she'll blame it all on you and is liable to use it against you if she decides to lawyer up and claim you to be an irresponsible parent. After all, if you hadn't interfered with the affair, none of this would have happened.

Of course, the response is that if she hadn't committed wasn't committing adultery, none of this would have happened. That's what I would preface it with and let her know that her actions have directly impacted your career and the children's lives. It's yet another instance of her actions having consequences.

Yes, it's a bit like using a line from the wayward's playbook as you are the one that broke the order, but I'd put the blame squarely on her.

GJM, please be very careful about your WW, I am begining to get a bad feeling about her staying over, take care of yourself and your career, which is directly taking care of your kids!

All the best,

ba

My career won't be over. I'm sure I'll have a butt chewing coming, but I'll still be able to retire. I'm just so drained from everything. I don't have the energy to keep up with all the lies and BS. I'm throwing in the towel.

Are you looking after yourself. Plan A is also about being phenomenally kind to yourself, lots of treats and favourite things.

Though real life has a way of getting in the way

Do not ignore the warnings about your wife under the same roof.

I'm taking great care of myself. I'm just tired. Everything I've done has backfired

You knew better than to ignore a direct order.

Had I obeyed it, I wouldn't have been able to expose the way I was supposed to. I don't regret my actions.

And here is a voice from the back row....

What is done is done. I hope your charges are just paper shell, and that you are mindful enough in the future to PROTECT youself from this type of undue stress and potential harm. (I am talking about the consequences of going against a direct order, not the plan A-ing you are doing.)

No one here is going to have to take the consequences for this action- except you, I would take that into consideration in your future planning.

IMHO, nothing about MB (that I have ever read) would encourage you to do anything that is SELF destructive. I hope you are right, all that is going to happen is a butt chewing and warning.

Keeping my fingers crossed. What a grief to have to "sit on" this issue all x mas, with everything else you have going on.

I agree that you shouldn't have disobeyed a direct order. I also don't think that you should discuss this with WW at all. What would the point be? You already know what is going to happen, she is going to use it as ammo against you. I also don't know how you would or could keep it to a loving confrontation. And what does she have to do with the choice that you made? You chose to violate a direct order so you need to accept the consequences of your actions.

Now, as far as throwing in the towel, welcome to the roller coaster ride. There are going to be moments where you feel really good about what you are doing and then feel absolutely horrible. It's part of the process(not the good part that's for sure)

Do you have everything planned out for Plan B so far? You want to be planned so you can enter it at any time in case there is great need. Just remember that it isn't easy to Plan B(especially at the beginning) and that you won't have a chance to Plan A anymore so only pull the trigger if you mean it.

Have you thought about giving the coaching center a call?

Of course. OM is a sleazeball POS trying to deflect attention from his own actions.

Why discuss it with the enemy's ally?


GJM. Personally I would walk in to the commander with head held high and present my case strong, proud, and tall. Face the consequences and then go home and fight wisely. Stop giving POSOM ammunition.

If you decide to go to Plan B, then study up, prepare, and execute it with precision. Take control of your life. It only backfires if you let it. Draw strength from your background as a Marine.

Just when I thought things were looking like everyone was going to call me crazy, I find WW password to be a number followed by ilove OM....wow. Keeping it to myself. It's only personal satisfaction of knowing I'm right about their affair. I mean I knew all along, but this solidifies it. Plan B coming soon. She's hoping to get the charges dropped on OM so they can live happily ever after.

You don't know that, G. Don't be so quick to assume that. The last chapter hasn't been written yet.

And I have learned that patience is a skill and a form of action. Dr Harley suggests affairs have a limited life span once exposed. No one can predict a WS's response if and when the affair dies, if they will become remorseful and want recovery. But the odds are in your favour, especially with children involved. YOU have history with WW. YOU have children together. YOU know her better than POSOM.

I would also add that your WW's passwords suggest just how much of a fantasy she is living in, and trying to convince herself otherwise. It reeks of desperation, an adolescent desire to convince herself her actions are justified.

I do not write this to raise your hopes. Your WW may never wake up and seek recovery. But increasingly I become convinced that these affairs will not give them happiness either. Keep reading the boards. There are a lot of karma stories and / or approaches for recovery from WS's. Sadly they are often too late for the betrayed. But the betrayed do recover, and with MB, THRIVE.

Sadly, the wayward's don't. It hurts initially to think that of our spouse's and the downward spiral they are on. But our spouse's have been possessed. Mourn who they were, the loving committed, honest spouse. Know who they are, the lying cheating, selfish and deceitful wayward spouse. And unless the committed spouse comes back, having killed off the WS that possessed them, we are better off following the plans... Plan A for a limited time, followed by Plan B.

What are your time limits? I have been following your thread, but you don't seem to have been clear on when Plan A will finish and when Plan B will start. It is always suggested a limit be set by the BS... it may have to be changed on the spur of the moment according to circumstances, but there should still be an original PLAN.