I know what you mean. There are lots of women who have no problem with it until they see how negatively it affects their marriages. That is when they change their minds. And is when they start calling Dr Harley on the radio show!

So, I'm back, still looking for answers. To the best of my knowledge my husband hasn't looked at any porn since I last posted. I tried to initiate sex again and we had a discussion. He said I'd never made him orgasm, and neither had his ex wife! That kind of surprised me as I thought we had had good enjoyable sex in the past, but now he's saying I'm the only one having fun. He also said he was feeling resentful because he can't do things he likes, like looking at porn and watching horror movies (I just can't bring myself to watch people being sliced and diced. Won't ever happen.) So, I guess we're at an impasse here; not sure what to do now.

What does he need to make him have an orgasm? He just needs to work with you and show you how to do that in a WAY that makes you happy.


Yes, he will feel resentful at first but that feeling will pass once you find a way to make each other happy and satisfied in the marriage. I would keep working on finding solutions until you find one.

Why can't he watch horror movies? I understand why porn would be off limits, but why horror movies? Its not like you have to watch them with him.

Also, are you spending at least 15 hours together in UA time?

How often does he travel?

Oh, I never said he couldn't watch them, and I encourage him to go to movies with his brothers and my sons as they all enjoy them. The problem in his mind is that we do pretty much everything together and he doesn't like doing something without me. Yes, we have way more than 15 hours a week UA time. We spend pretty much every evening and all weekend doing things together.....sometimes it's less interactive, like watching TV, but we cook together, take walks after dinner, have long conversations about a variety of subjects, etc. We really are best friends and the only thing I won't do that he enjoys is the horror movies.
I asked him the same question about what he needs to make sex good for him and his response was "it's late, I'm tired, let's not talk about it now". He really wants to avoid that subject.

During the fall he is gone on overnight trips probly 4-5 times; the rest of the year he's home every night. This year for the first time he will be going on a month long trip to Sri Lanka, leaving next week; so that will be a big change.

He only has a work laptop, not a personal one, so I doubt he uses it to watch porn when he's gone. He also works physically very hard on those trips, usually putting in 10-12 hour days, so he's pretty tired when he hits the hotel room at night.

I would keep that on the front burner until you get it resolved.

Also, you do understand that traveling jobs are very damaging to marriages, right? Harley recommends NO traveling apart. Traveling jobs lead to emotional detachment and very often, affairs.

I wouldn't call what he has a "traveling" job. He builds electrical panels for grain dryers and spends about 11 months of the year at the factory. During the fall when some of the buyers have issues they can't fix locally he's sent out....because he designed them and he's a genius. He's going to Sri Lanka with a team of 3 other men because they don't have people there who can put these dryers together and get them running, so they've been sitting over there in storage for 2 years. He loves his job, he's paid well, we have amazing insurance and the company is very family oriented. Most of the year he is home by 5 pm. While Harley might recommend no traveling, he doesn't have to pay our mortgage and I'm not going to begrudge my husbands job where in the last 3 years he's been gone a total of 14 nights.

Thats too bad. I know that occasional traveling was so hard on my marriage! We stopped it very quickly and now my H avoids travel unless absolutely impossible. [and I often go with him in those cases] The detachment it caused was just amazing. We immediately noticed a huge difference in our marriage.

...


To me, it sounds like somebody has a SERIOUS porn problem - as in probable addiction. And his reaction is that of an addict who has had their smack taken away. Also, his claim to difficulty with orgasm with women is more than likely related to his porn use.

I think the problem goes way back to before we were married and probably doesn't have much to do with me. Just before the wedding, both his best friend and his brother came to me (separately) and asked me if he still had his porn collection. Evidently he had had a huge collection of bdsm magazines and DVDs and they were concerned about my children being exposed to them. He must have gotten rid of them when we started dating seriously as I never saw them at his house when we dated and I helped him pack when he moved and never saw anything.

If he does have a porn addiction, then how do I go about helping him deal with this, especially if he doesn't seem to want to agree that it's a problem?

I would first insist he stop looking at any porn. I agree with HHH that this is probably the problem. He can't orgasm with you because he is masturbating to porn.

I really don't think he's looked at it for the last two weeks, so that's a start; guess we'll just have to see what happens next.

ANL,


Specifically when you are mentioning BDSM, the pattern of porn addicts usually follows a curve of escalation. BDSM is just one step among the spectrum. I have read personal accounts of porn addicts who escalated to transsexuals and homosexual porn to masturbate to.

Look, I myself am a former porn user, and I would say at the worst it caused premature ejaculation, but that was just one sexual effect. The emotional effects and the effects on the intimacy I had from my own side with my wife were devastating.

From what I've read of other psychologists who are working on helping men overcome porn addiction, a problem like his would take at least 90 days of abstinence from Porn, Orgasm, and Masturbation to reset his sexual associations.


The problem, however, is how this affects an MB-lead marriage/recovery. SF is one of the Intimate Emotional Needs which is to be met during UA time. Also, just because he would be resetting in those 90 days doesn't mean that you would suddenly NOT have a need for SF.

He no longer needs to have a "collection," trust me. A computer or smart phone and a high speed connection provides and endless stream, and is one of the things that has lead to a rise in this problem over the last 20 years.


I don't think Dr. Harley would recommend PMO abstinence over that period of time... and if he did, it would likely be similar to dealing with an alcoholic spouse during that period.

I would seriously consider writing the radio show on this issue, including your H's claim of failing to orgasm.

I mean, there is a reason why there haven't been book written about male orgasm, the mechanics are pretty simple for us.

Thanks Hold. Well, I just checked the history because he used my computer last night and sure enough he was back looking at very hardcore porn. He had also googled some prostitution sites. You wouldn't think that since he is such a fantastic husband in ALL other respects that this should be such a problem.

ugh... Are you addressing this with him? Harley would say to keep this problem on the front burner until it is resolved. So sorry you are dealing with this, Anna.

I will today, just discovered it this morning. He is coming home from work early to help me set up at a craft show I'm doing this weekend so I guess we'll have plenty of time to talk about it; although I have no idea how to bring it up I'm so upset with him right now.

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