But your child does not know what the real problem is so she can't address her mother. Your child is being decieved so she can't discuss the affair with her mother.

my responses will slow. She is hovering now.. trying to see what I am typing.. ( hehe feels nice to have her close to me though.. ).. It really agitates her that I am doing So much reading on the subject.

Don't show her this website!!

It is sad to me that you are placing the responsibility of straightening out your WW to your DD10. She is too young to have that pressure on her shoulders, especially when she doesn't know the extent of the evil actions your wife is taking.

I don't know if anyone answered your question about VAR but that is Voice Activated Recorder. You should have one on you at all times.

Exposure is the right thing to do. And MB is the answer to many poster's prayers.

TeE- You are making a CRITICAL mistake letting her see this website. You have made your biggest mistake so far allowing her to see this and it could backfire like you wouldn't believe. Erase your history, and try to explain it away (IF she asks) as just trying to do everything to protect your marriage and to learn to be a better husband.

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN!!!

You have no idea just how big of an advantage you are getting ready to blow. If she discovers this place, this place is done as an extraordinary resource for recovering your marriage. You'll be sailing blind from then on. No map, compass, no plan, no advice.

It's that simple

I am not realying on my dd10 to straighten her out.. I am just encouraging her to speak what she feels. She has the right to do so and I have learned through my experience that holding back what you feel is not a healthy thing. She doesnt want to hurt her moms feelings.. All i was saying when you start hearing truth from your own child.. that can have a pretty resounding impact. Believe me.. I am not the type of person that would use my children as a tool in this mess.

As for letting her see this site i am being careful. I do delete history every time i walk away from the computer. She just is very suspicious of what I am doing these days. So she likes to come hover and sneak a peak.. but when i see her moving this way I switch screens. Beleive me I know .. if she were to know this help was going on for me.. she would build the largest wall against it.. I dont want that.

I am all for encouraging your DD10 to tell her mother how she feels. Telling a wayward anything is not like telling a normal person though. Waywards are like drug addicts, they feel entitled to do what they want.

I was just pointing out the fact that you are encouraging your daughter to help wake your WW up, when you yourself are finding excuses not to man up and do the exposure as you have been advised to do by one of the best on this site. You don't know how many posters would have given their right arm for so much attention given them by ML. You would do well to listen to her. Don't rely on your DD10 fighting for something you haven't chosen to fight for yourself.

I really appreciate the time those of you vested in helping me in this situation. I really am still at a loss on what I should do. I have neglected for so long.. I am fighting as hard as I can right now and so far it has done nothing but push her away even further. I wish that I would have found this website a month ago.

I mean.. At some time.. or some point.. Is it possible that I just need to love her unconditionally and let her go? She knows what she is doig is wrong.. She knows its hurting her kids.. she knows that this dude isnt a long term thing. She says she wants to reconcile but she says she just cant forgive me yet for the years of neglect i have put her through. She says that the changes I have made for myself are great but right now she feels that its just a tactic to get her back and once Ihave her back I will revert to my old ways. There is no way even though I know in my heart that this change is real and I will never go back to gaurantee her of that. She has to see it. She has to see in the future that even without her it is real.

I dont know.. I feel that God is working, Her family who we both had a conversation with last night with and my wife confessed EVERYthing to them. Tells me.. Not to give up on her.. Because they can see with their own eyes that she loves me still but is very gaurded. I mean is there a time where just letting go is the best thing to do? I am beginning to feel like that is the only way to reconcile.. And I know that may sound messed up. I mean I really did put her through a few years of hell. Not because I am a bad person.. but because I didnt know how to cope with my own problems.

TeE, Well, you are here now. What you should do is expose the affair to everyone. Your neglect is not an excuse for you to remain inactive in ending the affair, nor is it an excuse for her behavior.



Unconditional love doesn't mean letting the person do whatever they want. Loving unconditionally means loving them in spite of what they are doing. Real love, unconditional love, speaks out despite the condition to call right, right and wrong, wrong. It says: Hey, you cannot do this to yourself or your loved ones. You have to change.

Unconditional love says I may continue to love you, but it will have to be afar, because your conditions are unacceptable to me for marriage. What she's doing is putting the blame for her actions on you. Sounds like she doesn't really want to stop the A.

Real love says there are conditions on how we relate to each other, despite the fact I may still love you in spite of your sin.


What does "letting go" mean exactly? You mean just let her do what she wants and hope she will come back? Won't happen. She may stick around, but someone else will cruise by sooner or later and step in as another lover for her.

CV

"I really am still at a loss on what I should do."


How any times you have been told to expose yet you refuse.


"I am fighting as hard as I can right now"


You refuse to expose and follow the advice from MB's best.


"I wish that I would have found this website a month ago.


Why you're here now but will not do what history has shown that works to kill an affair and recover a marriage.


"I mean........ "


Do not listen to the enemy. WW is your enemy. WW is only going to say things to make you give up so she can keep on banging the OM.

If you wanted to save your marraige then you would be using the tools you have been given here.

Well.. I truly do know my wife. I know that this A is eating at her hardcore. I know that If I quit pushing her it wont last much longer. She knows this dude is way wrong for her.. And she knows for everyone she cares about ( me included) this A is destroying them..

There is alot for her to forgive of me.. And coming to terms and forgiving sometimes is hard to do. Right now when she is with me.. there is nothing but anger. She tries to work through it.. But its hard because like i said before.. How I am being now to her feels like just a tactic. She has to be able to work through this anger.. pain.. and get herself to the point of being able to forgive. Reconcilation takes both sides wanting to do such. Even if the A ended Right now.. She is no where near that point to forgive me..

As long as I hold on and fight it only makes her more angry. With angry eyes nothing I do is real. Financially there is no possible way for one of us to move out.. So for the time being.. anyway.. I just think I need to focus on myself and my kids.. and getting my world back on its feet.

I believe that If I leave her alone she will come back to me.. She does so already when I spend a day and stay away from her and do nothing but play with the kids.. by the end of the day she is following me around.. sitting by me.. wondering what I am doing..

Like I said.. I know my wife knows what she is doing is wrong.. The more I try to convince her the more she just doesnt care.. (she is very hard headed like that.. ) the unfortunate thing is ... If I do end this A on my terms.. She will just slide into another.. And will continue to do so until She can come to terms with what she needs to forgive me.. This may sound messed up.. but really this guy is the most uncompatable person for her.. and when she comes to terms with that she is neglecting her kids.. and she just cant be selfish.. that is when there is an opportunity to reconcile.. It sucks but I just feel that may be where we are right now.

TeEstimo

My only suggestion to you would be for you to run down to the bookstore right now....go....now....and buy the book Tender Warrior.

Its chocked full of what it means to be a man and leader of your family ALL backed by the Bible-

Digest that book cover to cover.

You see your in a war against everything your family is at the moment....

and ....

Your standing there wondering if you should Piss the enemy off by making them angry.

Does that make sense to you? Makes none to me.

Your wife will get over the anger....Your M will not survive her A..


nESRE.

I know sin, and I know what it does. It sears the conscience and the longer it goes on, the less it will bother them. Sin begets more sin. My wife had her first affair 11 years ago. It ate her up, but in 07, she said "what the heck, I'm already trash" and did it again. felt guilty the whole time but didn't stop til I caught them. This is what sin does. It traps you, sucks you in and unless they are rescued, they will drown in it.


Do you see what she is angry about? It's not about you. It's about her continuing her independent destructive behavior without interference from you. Don't confuse the issues of your behavior and hers. They are separate. yes you have to deal with yourself, but your marriage will never recover with the "let go and let God" approach. If you are waiting for a miracle, sit down with a cup of coffee and wait... Get a good book. It will be a while (if it ever comes at all). Why? Because miracles are miracles for the simple reason the would be "normals" if they happened often. 99.9% of the time, God uses means. That means that God uses people to accomplish things. Sitting and waiting is a poor means to accomplish getting your wife back.


Knowing what you are doing is wrong and doing something about it are two very different things. If you wait, you will lose your marriage. She is angry because she is caught and if you let her cheat (ugh! what a thought.) you are giving her the green light to continue her affair(s). This guy is meeting needs you aren't. Why sit by and let him? Really, in the 9 months or so I have been here, I haven't seen one single person who this has worked with. In fact it has been just the opposite.


CV

Were you interested in saving your marriage? Or are you here to chat aimlessly about nothing with people who have saved their own marriages? Do you want what we have? Or are you here to write aimless, incoherent posts?

You need to WAKE UP and get serious here if you want to save your marriage, Sir. If you can't be bothered to lift a finger for your marriage, at least get off your butt for your kids. You do have kids, you know? How about fighting for their family instead of twiddling your thumbs?

Exactly.

CV

You are going to lose your wife if you don't stop helping them hide the secret. Enablers do not make it.

Listen to this radio clip with Dr Harley and another enabler husband [his wife was leaving him for the OM, which is where you are headed]: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

Dr Harley told this man to expose his wife's affair and he SAVED his marriage - he is now in full recovery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2850

Where we are right now.. SHe wants a divorce.. that decision has been made. our financial situation is the only thing that is slowing that down. She has to see the man she loves in me.. and that will only come with her being able to sit back and see it. This A ends now she will find another. there are plenty waiting in the wings..

She is not in a position to be able to just avoid me. there are to many obligations that bring us together. I know now that the OM is putting pressure on her to leave me.. that is something that is not a good move on his part.. that safety veil he has now he is starting to tear apart with his pressure. The part that I struggle with.. is She needs to make this decision on her own. No one else can force her too. She needs to decide to reconcile on her own. No one else can force her too. She is thinking about it hard I know. And If I let her she will make the right decisions.

To a point I understand where she is at.. I made the changes for myself on a dime. Her words are its very surreal for her right now. Even though God was working on me for this change in my life for several months now in her eyes its like I switched the light switch on. The more she sees me make up my neglect to my kids and see them draw closer to me.. the more I am depositing the right things in the "love bank" My relationship with my kids is growing amazingly now.

I cant fix her. She needs to fix her self. knowing that I am her to support her.

What a great husband! So would you use this excuse if she were killing herself with a heroin addiction? Heroin addicts also know they are doing something wrong. So what? It doesn't help them stop the addiction. Your wife is wrecking her life, your life and your kids life with her addictive affair and you can't help her stop?

Your wife needs your help to blast her out of this addiction. If she had will power over her addiction, she would have quit a long time ago. Her fogged out mind and the state of her addiction does not equip her to just stop it without an intervention.

Your family needs you to step up to the plate here. Stand up for your family!

If anyone does not take care of his own, and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 1Timothy 5:8

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
John 3:20-21.

TeEstimo.

Have you considered this, along with all the advice you have received here - using your daughter to intervene in YOUR marital problems is not only cowerdly but borders on child abuse! Urge you to read here, think, and then come back with your comments.

Constant: you are always too kind, but this guy need a whipping and he needs to know what most other people think of his attitute and approach.

Tom

Urging my daughter to be open with her mother is not the same as using her to fight my battle.. I dont coach her I just tell her its ok to talk from her heart.

I am just lost. I hear / read / and get but I think that if really you spoke to me.. spoke to my wife and knew her... there is an element of truth in what I am saying.

I love my wife with everything I am. But in the end of the day. I want my wife to chose me. I dont want her to come back to me because she has no other options. I believe that If I would have exposed in the beginning it would have been a valuable move. But the reality is.. She is so far away from me know. I have tried so many other moves and have done nothing more than drive her to his place myself.

My wife is the type of person that If I told her that I supported her it would piss her off and she could not stand to be with him.. (not that I would be willing to do that)

I need her to choose. We are unfortunatly at the stage where even if she ended the A she would leave still.

I know the people that have been trying to help me are banging your head against your desk right now. And I am sorry. Your words have helped alot and I appreciate that. Damage has been done. Our marraige needs healing in more areas than just the A. Healing is not possible if both sides arent in a place to ask for it. I know in my heart that this is what I have to do. I know the odds are not good for our marraige. But for example already.. today. I have not been around her at all She comes in the room I get busy in another, I take the kids downstairs and build something with them. Now she is following me around like a puppy dog.. asking .. what are you doing.. where are you going? Who are you calling.. I go up stairs to read and 5 minutes later she comes up and sits in the chair next to me staring at the ceiling.. making the sigh noise every now and then. I know she is thinking..