LOL. Yes, above average. I honestly didn't think your MILs response was that unreasonable.

Don't be sorry about my MIL. One of the best parts of being divorced from her son is that I never have to deal with her again.

My in-laws said they didn't "want to take sides." This was after H's first infidelity; sadly no MB for me in those days--never heard of it before last year.

The unbelievable thing is that people often think they're for or against the WS or the BS. And really, it's not about that at all. It's about being on the side of "righteousness."

The whole thing was white-washed, because supposedly, both of us were at fault in their eyes.

I will always take the stand for righteousness. No fence-sitting for me!

If only people understood that in the long run, it's really better for both H & W if the adultery ends and the marriage recovers.

You did right, Erika. Your in-laws don't realize the harm they are doing by not standing up for marriage.

Erika,

On behalf of other military families, thank you for your exposure of your H's and OW's affair. I am glad to hear that the military separated the OW and she cannot ruin yet another family. In my case, the OW's previous affair with a two-star general was not exposed by OWH. A few months after that affair ended, OW "set her sights" on my H and he slid down the slippery slope into his A with her. I certainly wish the OWH's had your courage. You did the right thing and I thank you.

My H and I have recovered our marriage. However, two years ago, my MIL supported my H in contacting the OW via MIL phone and computer. MIL wanted her son, my H, to do whatever would make him happy. We no longer interact with MIL. Her loss.

AM

Hi Erika,
Just wanted to add that my IL's reaction was much the same. Initially, MIL supported me and told me they would support our marriage first. THEN, FIL started all this "but OC is our grandson" crap.

Then FIL came to my house while I was out of town, he and POS picked up OC and then they agreed to lie to me about it.

That's when I knew my place and that I was DONE WITH THEM. They stood by and watched my 14 year marriage fall apart right before their eyes, all for the sake of the OC.

And, I loved them like my own parents and thought they loved me the same. But I've most definitely learned that blood is thicker than water. ALWAYS.

P.S. I did not expose b/c I believed POS when he said it was a ONS. BIG FREAKIN LIE that wasted 2.5 years of my life that I thought was recovery. You did the right thing to expose. I didn't and am now D.

Best wishes to you!

LWFH-
You are absolutely right, it is about being on the side of righteousness, which has nothing to do with the BS or WS, but rather with what is truly the right thing. A family that stays together is ultimately the best thing for all concerned.

Armymama-
Thanks, but really I have to give it up to God. I literally had no peace and was pushed until I made that decision. I know that this will be used for the glory of God in the end, although it surely does not look like it now.
(I too am very happy that OW will not be able to hurt another family as a military member, btw) I am glad that you and your H are recovered.

Migs-
Regarding my MIL, I have decided that her place in all of this is actually really small, if not almost non-existent. Some of the things she actually said to me I cannot believe. She told me that if OW and my WH had a child that she would fight for custody. I flat out told her to her face that me and my child would not be coming over to her house if that ever happened.
I am not trying to bash my MIL, I really do love and respect her, but doggone, the things I have learned! Blood truly is thicker than water!

I am in Plan B (or D, I guess). I have the same concern that many other BSs have. I know full well right now that there is nothing I can do to save my marriage.

This is the hardest thing I have ever been through--completely trusting God to restore. My issue is that I have a terrible fear that the D will actually go through, and I do not have much time until that happens (late Feb/early March)

Any advice? Words of encouragement? I feel like I can't do anything, and I am fearful the divorce will be finalized.

I have taken the attitude that God is going to fix this, but it is hard because I do not understand or know how that is supposed to happen. I know that right now, I am going through some growing pains, how am I to truly trust God when all seems like it is dead? There are times that I am quiet and can remain, other times, I stress so much and worry, worry, worry.

What in the world am I to do in the meantime? I have serious doubts, especially since the D will be final so soon.

Getting divorced is not the end of the world.

I was afraid of change...afraid that I would be sad and lonely for the rest of my life. Well, I'm lonely sometimes, but I can handle it. And I'm not sad. It's very freeing to be out of a bad marriage. It's freeing to know that I can lean on God and He will care for me.

Have you looked into DivorceCare? It's been very helpful for me.

Erika, I felt exactly like you. I really don't mean to discourage you by what I say but during our whole separation/divorce process I felt God would stop it.

Well, He didn't and I'm now divorced. I don't think he made no attempts. The problem lies with the one who is not receptive to what God is trying to do.

I only told you this because you sound so much like me. I was confident that WW would come to her senses but she didn't. In my case, she had no motivation to with all the support she gets. I don't know about your wh so I can't say.

Know this, though. God does have a plan. If His plan is for you and your husband to be together, even your divorce can't stop that. For you two to have the marriage you should have, you have to go through some changes and so does he.

P.S.
I've been having a rough day and just writing these words to.you have helped me.

Kirby-
Oh, I know...divorce is not the end of the world. It just feels like it sometimes when you are going through it.

Mark-
I do know that WH has to be receptive...and I am feeling like he just won't be, which is why I have doubts.

I know in order for our marriage to be what it needs to be, there are going to be some growing pains. I am going through that right now.

I am still believing in restoration. I have to give it all up to God, or else I would lose my mind.

Erica, even though I'm divorced now, I still believe in restoration, too. But in order for restoration to take place, our waywards relationships with God MUST be restored first.

Without that reconciliation/restoration is almost impossible. There has to be repentance and Godly remorse. Again, these are things WE cannot control.

In the meantime, you and I both, as well as all the others who may have a desire to reconcile with their wayward spouse, have to do only what we can. We can gain a deeper relationship with God, examine and commit to changing ourselves, learn what it really means to be.a.good wife/husband, etc. We can only control ourselves.

I think it is dangerous to have an idea such as 'God is going to fix this'. Our promises from God are that he will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear but will make 'a way out for us'. Sometimes that way out is that you just don't want your wayward spouse back. I suffered for years trying to salvage a bad marriage, but at some point I let go and after that, although I had bad days going through the divorce, I really feel better than I felt since I met my now XH when I was 15!

Like Kirby I feel free.

(((Erika)))

Erika - This is were patience and perseverance need to be prayed about incessantly.

You may be divorced, but that doesn't mean reconciliation isn't possible. The issue is to give your WH two years from D-Day. Two years is a long time. In that time you need to be focusing on you and only you.

Your WH is just mad. His divorce is due to him being mad. His divorce is due to him getting caught.

As someone who knows him well, and who loves and cares for him, speaking and having the truth out there is how you show him that love. You may be the only one who is willing to stand up and speak the truth to him. This is very loving and very kind.

Remember he is acting like an angry teenager who is mad his mommy (you) because you aren't letting him date the town tramp. What do angry teenagers do when they are mad at being held accountable?

Run away from home
Drink alcohol
Complain to their loser friends
Hate and rage at their parents
Avoid their parents at all costs (Isolate themselves)

That is all he is doing. He won't get far and his life will be much worse.

You cannot control the divorce, but you can control your life.

The hardest part about standing for your marriage is the moment when you want to give up. You have two choices then

1) Give up
2) Persevere

It is in that moment when you have to call upon your faith to give you strength, carry you through the pain, and help you to let go of control.

God is working on your husband's side of the fence. We don't know what he is doing. You have to believe ...

There are posters on your thread who are happy about divorce. Don't let that discourage you. You will know when you are done.

I certainly hope you are not talking about me. I am not 'happy' about my divorce. I was married for 26 years and I tried everything to save that marriage. You are correct that Erika will know when she is done. I was just pointing out to her (as was Kirby) that Erika can be happy again EVEN IF her marriage is not salvagable.

Erika my post was not meant to discourage you from hoping your WH comes to his senses (if that is what you want). But rather to encourage you that you can survive and thrive either way.

I agree with SW whole-heartedly.

In a perfect world, I would have a good marriage with my former husband and our children would have had the security of growing up in a happy family. Sadly, it's not a perfect world.

SW and I were just trying to point out that it's possible to survive despite getting divorced. It's possible to have a good life anyway.

Regarding other posters who have moved on: I would give anything to salvage my marriage, and I will never accept the break up of our family. However, when the other party wants out and refuses to honor his or her vows, one has to come to terms with that fact. Fight the fight for as long there is a pulse in the marriage. If the fight is lost, take heart in having fought valiantly and with great determination. Divorce doesn't have to make us martyrs. There is still life: life for the kids, life for ourselves. We mourn; we grieve; we suffer. But it passes and we enter into a new chapter of life. Maybe not the chapter we choose to author, but we still have the pen in our hands. For those who are there, I say write a best seller.

It can be difficult to hear about divorce and it being the right choice when you are standing for your marriage.

Erika and I have talked about this before. She and I have discussed how the world gives up on those who stand for their marriage regardless if the WH is a nasty, lowlife, POS. There are thousands of stories when the WH repents and becomes remorseful in the 11th hour of divorce.

Standing for your marriage is difficult when the world comes at you with divorce. Yes there is life after divorce. Erika wants to stand for her marriage, so it is important to walk with her through Plan B while getting divorced but still supporting her choice to stand for her marriage.

I was encouraging Erika to keep standing for her marriage even though there are divorce stories that are successes. Which are both positive in themselves. The OP wants to save her marriage, and so I support her 100% with that choice today.

The goal of Plan B is to make a great life for yourself. There is also the goal of standing for your marriage. Erika would like support in doing that even though her WH filed for divorce.

There is a host of fighters that fought hard and saved their marriages, see my SIGLINE for those stories. Reading those successes Erika can give you hope and inspiration in these trying times.

Remember God is working on your WH's side of the fence. Pray incessantly for him, pray incessantly for your marriage, and pray incessantly for his soul.

Erika,
I felt impelled.to tell you that I, too, am a stander. I have the "Stander's Affirmation" tacked to the door of my bedroom. I will tell you it has been something others have tried to persuade me to give up and its the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do.

In light of my divorce being final, I have thought of giving up. I have thought that since God didn't stop the divorce, we (WxW & me) may not be as meant to be as I thought we were. I've thought about all the opportunities I've had prior to the finalization and whether or not I should act.

One thing has remained intact throughout it all, my faith. It has actually grown more throughout this ordeal. I still believe God is able to restore our marriage. I still am committed to standing even though I'm now divorced (although yesterday, I almost gave up).

Neither you, me or anyone else knows what the future holds. We don't know what Gods ultimate plan is for us. We don't know for sure that our spouses will ever desire to be with us again, but if we knew, it wouldn't be faith.

GOD BLESS YOU AND KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT ALONE....

Divorce is not the end. We have at least one member here that I know about who divorced and then reconciled later.

Look at what you've posted, erika. You're completely trusting God to 'restore' your marriage. Have you ever considered that restoring your marriage is not in His Plans for you? Have you considered that God IS 'fixing this'?

Sweetie, I know you want your husband back. I know how much you are hurting. But the truth of the matter is that this is out of your hands now. God's got the wheel. Let Him drive and stop giving Him directions. He knows where He's going.

If you can stop trying to control this outcome and let God do what He needs to do I think you'll experience less stress.