This Thanksgiving was different, though. My family asked me to bake homemade rolls. I talked to Markos first, then agreed. When the time came to bake the rolls, I checked with him again to see if he was still enthusiastic about me spending the time away from him baking. He was thrilled that I showed him such consideration.

Any thoughts on how to avoid lovebusting when I'm feeling anxious or nervous? I tend to lose track of things and my very worst lovebusting goes on there (it was a major trigger, at least in my excuse-laden brain, for lying, to keep with the original theme)?

Question: how many of you felt kind of "fake" when you started being appropriately considerate of your partner's needs? I felt that way the other night, and felt guilty about it. Is it just a temporary feeling (I think it said as much in His Needs/Her Needs) and eventually it becomes natural and instinctive?

So, yes, if you are being pressed for an immediate answer and you feel your frustration mounting ... then that means you are becoming irrational, so by definition, anything you are thinking of to say or do is insane, and is best left undone.

That's very good advice. It's pretty much over, I think, but I found myself doing that this morning.

He wants a divorce, doesn't want to hear anything else.

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He wants a divorce, doesn't want to hear anything else.

This means, find a counselor who specializes in impulse-control issues. Deal with the lying. This is not a marital problem at the root... it is a behavioral issue.

In my book, His Needs, Her Needs (chapter 7), I write about three kinds of liars: 1) born liars, 2) avoid trouble liars and 3) protector liars. From what you've said about her, she sounds like the avoid trouble liar. These people do things that they know are unacceptable, then when confronted they lie to avoid getting into trouble. Here are some of the points I make in this chapter:


The born liar is different than the avoid trouble liar in that he doesn't seem to know the difference between truth and fiction, and makes things up for no apparent reason or purpose. An avoid trouble liar, on the other hand, is very much aware of the truth and only lies to avoid getting into trouble.

The "avoid trouble" liar is used to getting their way. They usually have a long history of agreeing to anything and then doing what they please. When confronted with their lie, they promise they will never do it again, another lie, of course. They are usually very cheerful people because they are living a life that suits them just fine. If people would just stop telling them what to do, they think there would be no need for dishonesty. What they think makes them dishonest, is people trying to change them. They don't think it's right, so they tell people whatever they want to hear just to get them off their backs.

The way to help an "avoid trouble" liar learn to be truthful is to focus attention on honesty and ignore everything else for a while. I encourage such people to tell the truth in return for their spouses not telling them what to do. In other words, minimize the consequences of the acts that they are afraid will get them into trouble. Instead of trying to punish your wife for going back on her promises, I would put more emphasis on safe and pleasant negotiation, where she is free to explain what she wants to do, and give you a chance to offer alternatives that are genuinely attractive to her.

What happens now is that she feels she is "made" to agree with you. You have told her that unless she does this or that, you will leave her. Even in the beginning, you explained that unless she stopped smoking, you would not even date her. She has learned to agree with anything and then do what she pleases to avoid a fight or being abandoned. But what if there were no fight? What if you wouldn't leave her? I recommend that you try to stop fighting with her, and you stop threatening to leave her. When she tells you she smokes, tell her you would appreciate it if she didn't, and offer her incentives to stop. But I wouldn't use threats.

Infidelity is quite another matter, of course, but I think she has gone a long way just to have told you about it. I don't think she wants to make a habit of cheating on you, but she doesn't want you to threaten to kick her out either. I may sound naive on this point, but I would try to create a non-threatening environment for her first, and then see if she cheats on you.

There are two essential conditions that you must follow if you want her to negotiate with you honestly. They must be safe and enjoyable. In other words, when you negotiate you should never threaten her with punishment, or make the negotiations unpleasant for her. Instead, you should be willing to allow her to do whatever she wants if you have not reached an agreement, without recrimination.

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one Melody.