Thanks so much all of you. I have no family, just his. I have talked a bit to my closest friend and she's livid. She knows the woman too.

No, they don't work together. She's called him several time today. He gave me his phone. I read the txts between the two of them and he consistently told her how &$@&ed up he was and how he wants nothing to do with her. Her responses are telling him that she knows he wants her or he wouldn't have been able to "get it up". Nice.

He kept the txts because he was concerned she'd do something crazy and he wanted confirmation. Whatever. Many he didn't even respond to. He showed me it matched the phone bill exactly, which it does.

I'm starting to feel, I guess, but don't know what yet. Maybe I'd be something if I could look back and see patterns of concern but I can't, at least right now. We have always left our phones out and open. We have the same passwords on accounts and emails. We don't use Facebook. It was only since that night he kept his phone with him 24/7.

Our home number is unlisted and so far no calls on that. He looks like he's been hit by a truck. He can't believe he did that but I'm concerned that how could he have done that and never done it before. What do I not know?

You ARE in shock, sweetie. And your 'non-reaction' is probably scaring your WH to death. Good. He deserves it.

However, you may want to brace yourself for the time when you come out of that shock, because it will probably happen sooner rather than later. And that's normal, too. Stay with us and we'll help you through it.

You MUST tell her. OW is a threat to any married woman. She needs to know.

If you knew someone was molesting children, would you let your friends' kids stay overnight at his or her house?

If he is serious about this, he will change all of his contact information so that she can't contact him. Why is he still having these texting exchanges with her? She needs to be cut off like the cancer that she is. Hard. Fast. Permanently. He needs to follow it up immediately with a NC letter that you read and approve of. The two of you can go to the post office together to mail it to the skank.

I would suggest that you get yourself to your doctor post-haste and be tested for STDs. Your WH needs to be tested, as well. Those skanky hos have been known to carry transferable bugs. Don't have sex with your H until you know you're both clean.

Oh my God! STD's. Didn't even think about that. Oh God. I can't believe I didn't think about this.

I'm sorry. Please get it done asap. Your ob/gyn can help you with this. They have different tests that they can run to make sure your health hasn't been compromised.

The reason it happened is because opportunity collided with temptation. If he had not been out without you, it would not have happened. Or if you had been by his side it would not have happened. That is why married people should not be going out without each other. And they most certainly shouldn't be spending the nights apart.

The problem in your marriage was noted in your first post:


That is the problem. Too much trust leads to an absence of appropriate boundaries and that is what has happened here. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries. Here is what Dr Harley says about "trust":

**edit**

Reves, you need to save those texts in a safe place too. I would forward them all to yourself for safe keeping. Additionally, I would send that skank a text [from your H's phone] and tell her not to contact your H again, that he has told you all about the affair. Let her know that all your friends have been informed.

Oh my God! STD's. Didn't even think about that. Oh God. I can't believe I didn't think about this.

Just another example of how your thinking/reacting is being upset by the shock you've received.

Don't worry about "discovering" or "inventing" the right ways to get through this crisis for the immediate future. You're in the right spot here, and have the right people working for you. Rely on them, okay?

WH should block all communication access to any medium POSOW might use - phone, FB, e-mail - TODAY! BTW: This is another reason why your friends should all be notified of what happened. It would be predictable that this desperate slut would contact them and weasel your private number out of them!

Hmmmm. I've never even seen that before. I thought that some space in any relationship was healthy. I always trusted him because I trust me. I know I won't damage my self respect or integrity. I also believe, after surviving my childhood that no matter what happens I'll be ok. I know this inherently. Even now, as much as I love my husband, and I do, I'll be fine without him. I've been hit on right in front of him and when we've been apart and it has never ever even crossed my mind.

I called and made a dr appointment. I told him he needs to as well. He swears he never penetrated her. He couldn't maintain an erection (again supposedly). I hope this isn't too much information for this site. I did read the guidelines but my mind isn't working like it should. Spent 1/2 looking for my dark glasses and they were on my head.

He's willing to take a polygraph but I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to have criminal tools to verify. I'll be single before that. I have no desire to look through his phone or check up on him. Does that mean I don't love or care about him like I thought I did? That Dr. Hartely thing that was posted is so different than my thinking has been.

Sorry, just remembered. She's married. What about her husband?

I'm sorry I'm not with it but what's a WH and some of the other letters someone just posted? I must sound stupid. Is there a list?

I would take him up on this.

STD bugs have some tricky ways of getting from Person A to Person B. The sex act is only one way.

Both of you need to be tested.

CALL her husband now and tell him about the affair. Don't threaten and don't forewarn. CAll his house disguising your number using *67 so she doesn't know it is you. Just tell him about the affair and forward him the texts. DON'T forewarn your husband, but tell him afterwards.

Seriously? Call him? I've met him only twice. Seems like a nice guy but very quiet. I don't even know their number. I can't even think right now. I'm just. I don't even know. Just want to take the kids, go up to the cabin and unplug the phone. I'm done with this. I didn't do it. I don't want to clean it up. I sound like a spoiled petulant child but that's exactly how I feel!!!!!

Same with me. Harley has an engineer's mind, though, and is not given to silly romantic [destructive] notions about blind trust. Like he says, it is not a lack of trust that ruins a marriages, but a lack of boundaries. The marriages that don't have trust are the safest and the happiest because they understand the risks and take appropriate steps to safe guard their marriage.

Ironically it is NOT safeguarding a marriage that leads to the ruination of love in a marriage.

Step outside of yourself for one minute and help another human being out. Her husband deserves to know this, and needs to protect himself from her. You need to help him. Please don't hesitate to do this! The OW's husband in my sitch knew for months that something was going on with his wife and my husband, and he dithered long enough for their emotional affair to turn physical. I do not regret that he finally talked to me. I only wish he had done so sooner.

I would look up his number and give him a call. That would be the decent thing to do. He is a victim just like you and needs to be told what his wife and your husband have done to him behind his back.

Believe me, I know it is not pleasant!! It will be very painful, but the man has to be told.

I'm sorry I'm. Not trying to be a witch, but "step outside yourself to help another human being"? Really? I just found this out and am trying to hold it together as best I can for my kids and that's my primary concern right now. Not some sluts husband. Her actions were done right in front of him and he isn't blind.

I agree he needs to be told. I'm struggling to keep breakfast down at the moment and am not ready to lead a crusade, so I apologize of I'm not at the applying the field dressing stage yet.

Melody, I have to say that goes against everything I've believed about relationships but that's not saying much, obviously. Look where I am now so I'm not dismissing anything. I also don't believe in blind trust and didn't think that's what I had. I felt I had trust built on consistent actions and patterns. He was never late without calling, not where he said he was, or with me. We both were like that.

Yes. To help another human being. Also, talking to him is for your benefit as well. Do you want her to stop trying to contact your WH? The chance is about 100% that you will accomplish this with a phone call to her husband.

And no, I don't think you're a witch.

I understand that your mind is whirling. I'm not asking you to stop posting this second and run to the phone, Reves. I'm asking you to pull your thoughts together and include this in your plan for recovery.

And do NOT tell your WH that you will be talking to her H. He may forewarn her, and she'll spin the story to her husband to make you out to be a loony-tunes jealous wife.

And yet none of that prevented an affair, did it? That level of trust didn't prevent you and your husband from engaging in very risky marital behavior, such as going to parties alone and spending the night away from home.

Most of us did employ romantic, but silly, ideas about trust in marriage. And we are usually the marriages that experience infidelity. The most vulnerable people, in fact, are the ones who say they would never do it! They usually have no boundaries and are the most vulnerable to an affair. Yet the folks who did recognize the risk and observe sane boundaries didn't experience infidelity!

So while it sounds really cute and trendy to talk about "trust," it does not lead to stable, affair proof, ROMANTIC marriages. It is an empty, feel good "Cosmo girl" viewpoint that causes more harm than good.

You want to know how to build some REAL TRUST? Trust that is based on evidence? Install spyware on your husbands phone so you can see what he does when he thinks you are not looking. That will build your trust ENORMOUSLY. In fact, if I were you, I would go do that now. Go download eblaster for cell phones or flexispy so you can see what he does and where he is. They both have built in GPS trackers. THAT will help you really trust him because that trust will be based on EVIDENCE and not blind faith.