First, thank you all for reading my story.

MelodyLane,
I think there is a big confusion. I've never had an affair in my entire marriage. Please let me know what you read to come to that conclusion so I can fix it! This is my H second. One at the beginning and now again 13 years later.

VKali,
I want my marriage to work, I think (thus the title topic.) And yes, my son does know that OW destroyed our family. One day I was arguing with H on the phone in the closet upstairs. S was downstairs watching TV or so I thought. I kept hearing TV on phone and H was saying he was in car, I said he was at OW house. Only to come to find out that S was listening on the other phone. I had to sit with him to explain everything to him because I wasn't sure how much he had heard. Not a pretty conversation. I'm much more careful now.

HHH,
Adultery does destroy families! I hate it. And ironically, my H is a product. His father did the same thing when my H was the same age as S is now.

I'll continue with my story.
I was home for August. My son was staying with me. We don't have any legal agreements in place. I took my son to visit his family. I had already exposed to them in May when H had moved out. (H had actually already told his father.) At that time, H father told me to get over it and move on. H deserved to be happy. Stepmom didn't say much except good luck. His real mother was more sympathetic but really didn't have much to offer. H has very little contact with mother so she didn't even know.
My H parents live in a different country. I took my son to visit without my H knowledge. He found out from BF (wife and I also BF - she was the only that knew). He was not happy.
He accused me of manipulating his family. I wanted them to understand the devastation that he was causing his family and to maybe influence his thinking about the impact he was having on my S. His mother told me to hang tight that this would probably eventually crumble. His father was very confrontational and said that my marriage was already over. He did concede that he would ask H if he was sure. Not much conviction though on his part. I also spoke with H sister and her H. They seemed a little more empathetic but didn't really see what they could do.
While I was gone my husband filed for D and had me served. In my state if you have kids there is a one year waiting period. He claimed desertion. Are you kidding me?
Now if you remember, OW was married also. They somehow fast tracked their divorce and her divorce became final in Aug. Not sure how they got around the one year waiting period.
When I returned H and I had big fight about D papers. I couldn't believe that he was making me out to be the bad person. I also said that he was going to have to wait the full year. At the time I didn't want to hire a lawyer because I felt it was unnecessary expense since divorce couldn't be granted for another 9 months.
H agreed to pull the paperwork and said that he would call his lawyer the next day.

Sorry for the confusion, 2hope, I was speaking to vkali, not you! She had an affair and was explaining on her thread how she was going to trick her OM's wife.

The next day was Friday before Labor day weekend. I went to courthouse to see my timeline on the complaint. On Tuesday after Labor day, I called his lawyer to see if H had made request for withdrawal. She wouldn't return my calls. The same day I called my H to see where the process was at. He hemmed hawed around saying that he wasn't sure now that he was going to withdraw paperwork on lawyers advice. I told him I needed an answer by the next day, if not so I could hire and consult a lawyer. I was scheduled to be out of town for the next 2 weeks at the beginning of the next week and was running out of time.
I called him on Wednesday at his work as planned. He said he didn't have time to talk with me. So I had no choice but to go see the lawyer. My court date was scheduled for 30 September, the day after I returned from my trip.
I was honest with the lawyer that I wanted reconciliation. He called H lawyer to discuss saying they had a weak case. My lawyer asked what my concerns were. I said I didn't want my son spending any time with OW. All this got relayed to my H from his lawyer and he called mad as hell that day saying that I was trying to control his relationship with OW and he could do whatever he wanted with our son but he wasn't going to pull the paperwork.
He said he would pull the D paperwork only if I signed legal separation agreement. I said no deal. He said that he would no longer watch son at our house and if he had to watch son it would now be at OW' house. He accused me of causing stress in his R with OW. No sympathy from me on that one.
The next day my H had to watch S overnight. He was watching him at our house. I came home early (4 am). I wanted to discuss more. He felt like he was ambushed. We (I) talked about why we couldn't work on M. He said he was committed to making this new R with OW work. Back and forth for 2 hours.
I lost it and took his keys to his car (registered in my name) and I kicked him out of the house.

I called his OW and told her to come pick up H. We talked for 15 minutes. She couldn't understand why I was being this way. Really? Quick side note: when I had found out about affair I had tried to get a hold of her H. She found out, called my H and my H confronted me about why. Anyway, when I had my confrontation with her she said it was pretty b@11sy of me to try to contact her husband. (At the time I didn't know he knew). Anyway I said I think its pretty b@11sy that you're having an affair with my husband!
She made some comments that my H and her may not end up together but that I was being unreasonable. Okay, whatever.
Anyway, I wasn't really proud of my actions especially because a lot of this happened in front of DS. Husband of course pointed out what I was doing by taking his vehicle. That I was impacting his job...blah, blah.
Anyway, I sent S off to school and I had to return to work. H was hanging out at the neighborhood park waiting for OW to come get him. I offered him a ride to work (he works near me) but he refused. He instead called work and said he wouldn't be in because this was all my fault.

H called me at work to discuss issues. I told him he would get his vehicle back only if he pulled D paperwork. He refused and countered by saying the OW would stay away from DS and they would write this into separation agreement if I signed it. I said no deal- she stays away, he continues to watch son at our H and they pull D paperwork. He reluctantly agreed against advice from his lawyer. I was supposed to be out of town the next 10 days, home for a 2 days and then gone 4 more. We agreed that if I was coming home early that I would call ahead of time (to my own house) so that he didn't feel ambushed.
I left on Sunday.

Before I left, my lawyer had confirmation from his lawyer that the D paperwork was withdrawn. I know I can't stop the D but I did buy more time.

I came back about 2 weeks later and called to let him know I was coming back. He was cordial when I came back. I spent time with my son, it was dinner time. While I was gone I had started getting reports from S teachers that he was falling behind already. I had contacted H to be more proactive with S. Anyway I asked son about school and practice. How were things going? Asked what he done the past week (just conversation). Anyway S clams up and starts to cry. I know something is wrong so I call H. This was only 1 hour after he had left. Asked WTH? H twists it around that I doing this to my son, "he was perfectly happy when I left" Anyway, when I piece everything together from S and H, come to find out, H was picking S up after school, rushing him to do HW and then taking S to OW house for dinner then returning to our house to sleep. S didn't want to tell me. I was extremely angry because I felt betrayed again. Can it get any worse?

At this point the hate and anger my H had shown was overwhelming me. H refused to work with me and seemed only to have his best interests in mind, forget about S. I was going on another short trip for 4 days and was going to be home for 1 week and then was going to be gone for a month. I made the decision to send my son to live with H and sat down and discussed this with my S. He was not happy, but I explained that I had to go away to work. It was devastating to me as a mother to watch my son in so much pain. But I figured if I just accepted the inevitable it would be better for my sanity. It was obvious that my H was going to do whatever he d*** well pleased.

I packed my son a suitcase, some of his favorite games, his favorite blanket and pillow and decided to take him to OW for H to take care of. I also decided to send the cat over with S. Since H was staying at our house cat was always taken care of. But since I was going to be gone 5 of the next 6 weeks, the cat needed a home. On Sunday night on Sep 25, I took my son to OW house. I didn't call ahead of time, I should have because they weren't home. We decided to wait. We unloaded stuff on porch and hung out in the car and did a couple of loops around the neighborhood. Neighbor asked if we wanted to move stuff in her garage. No thank you, we would just wait. After 20-30 minutes, neighbor asks if we want to call. I didn't have a cell, because H had cut off service. We do and H said he'll be back in about 20 min. S and I go for an ice cream along with cat. We came back to OW house and H was driving up by himself.

I said goodbye to son. Strange thing was though, H puts son and cat into car and starts to drive away. I asked where they were going, he said to his house. I drive home not sure what is going on since I know he lives with OW. His place is empty. I call H but S answers. I asked S where they were and he said at store buying cat some stuff. I asked to speak to H but he says he doesn't want to talk and will call later. Apparently OW is allergic to cats so H had to leave cat at his place. LOL.
At about 8 I call again to say goodnight to S. H then gets on the phone with me to say WTH? He wanted to know why I had brought S to OW's house. I told him he was getting what he wanted. He accused me of abandoning my son and said that it wasn't going to look good for me. (The implication in court?) I even talked with OW and said that their intent was not to take away my son but that we should have all sat around the table and discussed it. I had been told previously by H that if I ever went to OW house he would press trespassing and harassment charges. So, uh no, there wasn't going to be a discussion. To me the issue was btwn H and I and he had already said that he was not going to watch S at our house and that it would be at OW house. So what was the big deal. The part that struck me though was the accusation that I was abandoning my son. It infuriated me and I told H that I was coming over immediately to pick up S because I would never let my son think that. I hung up and immediately stormed out to go get my S. The phone was ringing as I walked out the door.

I had a brief moment of clarity and stopped to pick up BF. I showed up at her door and said you need to come with me now. I told her we were going to OW house. She was floored but bless her heart, left her son and came with me. I explained everything in the car on the way over.

When we get there, H is waiting for me in front yard. I tell him to go get S and he refuses. It starts to get ugly and he threatens to call cops. I said go ahead. Let them figure out who S will go home with because technically that wasn't H legal residence. OW comes to door, BF deals with her while H and I continue discussion. Finally H relents after I threaten to call cops. S is obviously upset and obviously again not one of my better moments.

I still had a dilemma because I was supposed to fly on business the next day at 5 am. I take S home to figure what to do next. I miss my flight but use the time to go to son's school to help him get back on track. And I call my H. He has calmed down by now. He denies that he ever accused me of abandoning S. Said I "misinterpreted", even OW didn't hear that. Okay, whatever. I know what I heard and hardly any other inflammatory remark would have prompted the action I took. I told him he was an idiot. I was capitulating to all his demands and that was how he acted. I told him that he should have been jumping for joy this his wife was giving permission for S to stay overnight at OW house. But his actions were pathetic. He apologized and said I was right and asked me to reconsider bringing son over again to OW. I told him over my dead body. It was one of the most painful experiences and said I couldn't live that trauma again. We did come to the agreement that for the next 3 days of my conference that he would stay with S at our house. He comes over that night and I have to drive all night to destination.

While I was gone, I called once to talk with son and of course my H got nasty again. He made the decision that after this trip he would never spend another day in our house again. He said for my month long trip that I was just going to deal with the fact that S was going to OW house to live with H. I told him that if he didn't watch S in our house and keep him from OW then I wouldn't need his services to watch S. I guess he thought he had me over a barrel because what what I going to do with S for a month. I had only 3 working days to figure it out. I called my L and was told that I could get a divorce hearing before I could get a custody hearing and that there was nothing I could do. I went through all my options but none seemed realistic. Take son out of school and send to my dad's house, Nanny, friends? I finally bit the bullet and went to my boss and said I can't go. It was very humbling to have to go through the details but in the end they supported me and made other arrangements.
I even pleaded with OW to convince H to be reasonable that we could come to some compromise. He refused and was verbally abusive. His attitude "too bad".

H finally get a hold of me a couple of days later( early Oct) and was incredibly angry. He said I let my team down because I didn't go. He was supposed to have S and I was interfering with that. I think he was more angry that he didn't get his way when he thought I had no other options.

I made a decision that day that I didn't want to have anything more to do with H as long as he was acting in "alien" mode. I no longer called, didn't return his calls and I tried to save my sanity. A modified Plan "B" if you will. A few times he called and talked with son and they had a few dinners out together. I wanted no interaction. It seemed to help me stabilize without the wild emotional swings. But this is where all the questions start.

You see what I've put up with since D-day. Yes, I love my H. I believe in saving my family more than anything. It is the most important thing in my life.

But H lives with OW and has never indicated any thing other than he is done with M and he is moving on. I know though that their chance of success is nearly zero. Does that mean I should have hope?

Part of me says I can't forget all the cruelty he has shown over the last 9 months. But then I weigh all the other years and I'm not sure. I know I deserve better.

But, I don't believe in D, I believe in marriage and family. You don't stay married for the kids, you make your marriage work because of the kids.

Most everyone tells me to move on, he's not worth it. But I don't want to give up. Is there anything I can do?

I will continue this story to its current point.

For most of November, S and I had no interaction with H. I don't encourage S to call H. If he want to I don't stop him but don't tell him that he needs to. H sends a few emails to S and cc's me. Nothing in email is directed at me. Hey son, miss you, would like to hear from you.

There was one conversation in Oct that H was taking taxes to accountant, did I want to go? I asked one question, what did I get out of it? He said why did I have to be that way. Thinking only about the money. I didn't clearly communicate. What I meant was how was the money going to be split. We have already had some disagreements about money. He owes me money but his lawyer said not to give it to me until divorce is final. I didn't want him to get refund and then I wouldn't get my share until later. But as usual, it was a point of contention again. He said he would call back to let me know location. I called H the day of appointment because still didn't know where. He said he was sick and cancelled appointment but would reschedule and let me know. Heard nothing.

The first week of December rolls around and I am at S school waiting to pick him up. I was sitting in car when H comes up to me. It was a surprise because I didn't have any contact with him for nearly a month. I wasn't really in the mood to see him (it still upsets me greatly). He said he stopped by see S since it's been awhile and S doesn't answer emails. I shrug him off and asked him about taxes. He said he hasn't done anything yet. The month before he was incredibly anxious. I walk toward school and away from him. Our contact lasted less than 1 minute.

I go in to pick up S. Secretary is surprised to see me since H was just there. I asked what had happened. She said H takes S out of class, talks with him for about 2 minutes then brings him back. I talk with S, ask about day. S had no intent of telling me he saw H until I asked him directly. I hate that my son feels he has to lie (even if by omission). For the next few days he calls his dad everyday. On Thursday night son ask if he can go with dad to dinner on Fri. I told S that I had no problem with him spending time with dad, but dad needs to
coordinate details with me directly.

On Friday, I get an email at work from H that says "thanks, he'll be home by 730" I call him for the first time in about 5-6 weeks. I tell him that his S is not the messenger. If he wants something then he needs to coordinate with me directly. He starts to get nasty again. I told him we have to learn to be civil for our son's sake. He doesn't get it. He said it's not about us. I said but it is. He thinks I 'm keeping him from seeing DS. I told him if he was all about DS why wasn't he going to practice to watch him. Public place, can't stop him (not that I would). He responds "Did you think maybe because you're there?" Now, DS has had several games where both H and I have gone. I say nothing to him. Every once in awhile I would catch him looking at me. No confrontations, nothing. So WTH?

So, that was Friday December 9. H did agree that any future visitations would be coordinated between us and not to use DS as a messenger.

On Monday, December 12 I get a message from school and H. DS was fighting on bus and was going to be suspended. I went to school to talk with son. H called son that night to see how son was.

The next day, Tuesday, I had another meeting with school officials. On my way home I decided I was going to stop at other house where H was supposed to be living. (Or should I say where he was storing some of his stuff since he was actually living with OW). I hadn't stopped by the house for at least 2-3 months. I had stopped on a couple of previous occasions to "look around". To my surprise my H's vehicle was there along with a POD. I almost didn't stop but my curiosity got the better of me.

He was surprised to see me there. Actually accused me of having a neighborhood spy. I chalked it up to God's fate. We actually started having a very cordial and pleasant discussion. The first since D-day. I said his actions had been very hurtful and that he was being selfish in his decisions and that ultimately the impact was felt by son. He agreed and expressed regret for the affair but said that it wasn't going to change anything between us. We then moved to the point about leasing the house. I told him that I thought we were selling the house and didn't agree that we should rent. He then started to get angry. The prospective tenant showed up. It had been our previous tenant that had moved away for about 7 months. I explained to her the situation and told her that H and I had to discuss further and we would let her know in a couple of hours. It was her POD outside and she was ready to move in that day!

Husband was very angry because he said I was being unfair. I said he had a responsibility to let me know what was going on since I was co-owner. He blamed me that I never answered calls or email. I reminded him that his emails were addressed to DS and that we had just talked on Friday and the day prior, so he had ample opportunity. I told him that I would allow the lease if he gave me the money he owed me (about $6k). He said he didn't have it, only about half.

I told him then he could give me all the rent money. But he didn't want to do that either. By this time we had walked outside and he was going to call tenant to let her know that I wouldn't rent the house.

He continued to rant and rave that I was being unfair and that this is why he wanted a divorce, blah, blah.

He continued to negotiate and offered half the rent money and half of what he owed. I didn't want to give in. I said why won't you give me all the rent money. If I didn't agree to leasing the house then H would have had to continue to pay the mortgage (the same amount as rent). I asked what difference does it make if you pay the bank or you pay me, it's the same amount of money. Oh BTW, if you pay me then at least your son benefits. He had no reason to think that I would be irresponsible about the money. It's not like I drink, do drugs or gamble.

But H would not see my point. He said I didn't deserve all of it. He was getting nasty, was mocking me and just being verbally abusive. I finally said how about giving me some respect, that's free. I pointed out that it wasn't about the money it was about the power he wielded over me. I told him it was never about the money. I haven't taken any money from H except the first month he left. I told him that he would rather give a complete stranger money (bank) than give me anything. And then the light bulb went off in his head.

By this time I was in complete tears because I knew he was punishing me because he could. I didn't want to give in because I had wanted to prove that he was being selfish. He finally got it. I started walking to my car and he stopped me. He tried to wrap his arms around me and apologize. I pushed him away. He followed me to my car and said he was sorry. For those few moments, he was my H again. He asked about what to do about the tenant. I told him that he was going to do whatever he wanted anyway and I drove off.

Trying to talk sense to a wayward is like tossing cotton balls to stop an alligator.

When I got home H was calling. I answered and he was contrite and actually thanked me for making him feel like an @ss. He realized that he had been unfair to me and promised that he would treat me with more respect in the future and act like a gentleman. Okay we'll see.

Something dawned on me about 2 hours later. I don't have any more travel scheduled until Feb 2012. By then I plan to have a custody agreement in place. There is no judge in our state that will give overnight visitation at OW house until we are actually D. That means H will have to have his own place to take care of son. At this point I don't want him in our house. I called H to relay this fact. H had already leased house to tenant. I asked what his plan was. He didn't want to talk but said he would call the next day to discuss more.

To my surprise, the next day, H did actually show for S practice. He even came up to me to say that he would call later to finish our discussion. He never did.

So, I get so frustrated that I don't want to have any interaction with H. Maybe I have too much expectation. I am back to not being available when he calls. It seems he wants to be on his schedule and I can feel the resentment. How do I deal with it.

Pepper,

I've read all the stories. I know what you are saying is true. But what do I do to deal with the madness and keep myself sane?

I love my H. Sometimes I ask myself why I want to be with someone that has no respect for me. Heart says don't give in, there is always hope with God. Brain says, quit being a JA and move forward, you will feel so much better. The problem I have is whatever decision I make, either way it doesn't affect how I feel today. I'm still miserable. And I think about my son and the guilt is overwhelming. I know its not my responsibility to bear alone, but I do. Every child deserves a family with two parents. HIS parents.

What should my plan be?

MY opinion, Plan B. COMPLETE Plan B.

Okay, Plan B. I'm not trying to discount the merits of Plan B but here are my concerns.

I understand Plan B is to force the WS to acknowledge the realistic future of what they may have to lose. (and to help us maintain sanity)

In my situation, it seems that my H would be jumping for joy, because he has shown no indication of being a fence sitter. Plan B gets me out of sight and out mind and he doesn't have to deal with me. I've already had very little contact with H in past few months and he seems okay with that. Considering that he lives with OW and seems to have already started another life, is there hope? I know hope is not a plan. Obviously what I'm doing now is not having any effect, Plan B just seems more of the same. (you know the saying-Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.)

As far as AD. I can't. My job field doesn't allow me to take those types of meds. I would jeopardize my job and can't really afford that considering the circumstances.