Hi, I would really apprecciate your help.
I've been reading your articles, but somehow I still don't know what to do. I�ll keep my story short.

I've been married to my husband for 4 years, togheter for almost 7 years. He is, with my kids, the most important person in my life. But 10 days ago I had sex with my best friend.

He has been my friend since middle school, we truly understand each other and always rely on each other when things get ugly or in the good times.

When I got married my husband became a really good friend of him to, and then when he got married his wife became a great friend of ours. We hang out all the time, the four of us.

But there were times when he (my friend) got from me the emotional support he didn't get from his wife, and the same with me getting what I needed from him when my husband drifted away. A couple of times we even got close to having sex, but I always stopped. Until 10 days ago, when I didn�t. I don't know why, my marriage was in a great stage for like a year now, I was having good communication with my husband, and that day over a minor dissagreement I decided to cheat on him.

But two days ago I couldn't handle keeping the secret from him and I told him what had happened. He just asked me when, where and at what time it was, and then told me that he could't tell me anything because he hardly knew what he was thinking, feeling or going to do.
These two days he has been polite, but of course not loving. He's not talking about it and I don't know if I should force him to.
I wrote an email to my friend and told him i had come clean. Of course, he freaked out, he had no plans on telling his wife and now he says I pushed him to do it. Now I will hurt her too and I didn�t count on it, but I have to respect my husband and not see my friend again, right?
I hurt my husband really bad, and I feel terrible. What should I do? please help. I really want to fight for my marriage.

vKali

First of all you have to tell his wife. She HAS to know.

That is not hurting her. Not telling her is hurting her.

You must NEVER see your other man (OM) again and you must close all possible avenues of contact with him. You may even have to move.

thx.

I can handle not seeing the om again, and even telling his wife.

but what do i do with my husband?

Is your husband interested in recovery? You have to find that out first.

The first thing to do is write a No Contact letter. Your H must approve of it.

If you wonder why the wife must be told, it is because...well, if your OM slept with you the odds are good he slept with someone else.

Have yourself tested for STDs.

These are just starter tips, but the vets will be in shortly.

You have to let him guide you. You have taken away any authority you have in your marriage (that's if you still want one). He has to lead the way now, because he is the one who needs to heal. I can't imagine how you could toss a good marriage by cheating over a little argument. People don't get over things like this. Oh, and I don't care what anyone says, you should never have a best friend of the opposite sex. "Forsaking all others". Well you obviously didn't forsake this guy. You played around with it for a while, then you went through with it.

So now comes the question. How long were you messing around with him?

You need to tell the OMW. Now.

You need to send the OM a NC letter. Stating that the affair was wrong, that you're both betrayers, that their must be NC between you and OM, and total families as well. Cold business letter, no let down easy, or will miss you, etc.

Then show this NC to your BH before you send it for his approval. Then both of you send it. Being friends send it to OM email and CC OMW email. When you show this NC to your BH this is the perfect time to tell him about marriagebuilders. How MB taught you about the importance of NC and the NC letter.

You need to tell your BH you found MB and show it to him. That as soon as he registers and posts his story many experienced people will be able to provide help.

At first your BH may say no. That's ok you can leave the page up on the computer. This may temp BH to eventually give it a look.

One thing to never do is to trickle truth or lie about what happened during the affair. It's best to let the BS control the questioning that follows Dday.

Only the BS knows what level of detail he wants. Remember once told a fact can't be untold. Once lied to can make it almost if not impossible for the BS to ever believe what you say.

Trust in the marraige has been destroyed. Further lying post Dday well never repair that trust.

This is what the letter should state:

Affair partner, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and child, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (husband) for the pain I caused him, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Then you should purchase "Surviving an Affair" book, so your husband will understand why you cheated. Affairs usually happen because spouses are not meeting each other emotional needs, and poor boundaries. You need to get the write the letter, send a copy to the mans wife, show it to your husband, and read the book.

Welcome to MB. You have already gotten some good advice regarding contacting OMW and writing a NC letter. Immediately read the infidelity articles on this site, focusing in on Just Compensation.

I would also order Surviving An Affair, and FYI there are other resources such as contacting Dr Harley on the radio show or contacting the coaching center for more guidance.

One very damaging thing that many wayward spouses tend to do is to continue to be dishonest (this includes being intentionally vague or omission of details) after Dday.

Please be sure to come clean and tell your H the WHOLE truth ~ don't hide or skim over details justifying it in your mind by telling yourself that you are preventing hurting him more. Please write down every inappropriate interaction you had with this OM (or any other for that matter) during the course of your M and come CLEAN. If you even have to ask yourself "does he need to know this?", then that is your clue that he DOES.

Any further ddays (trickling of truth) will set your recovery back and just hurt your BH all over again.

Tell him everything, let him know you are dedicated to radical honesty and offer to take a poly to prove this to him.

SusieQ is right. Playing trickle truth with your spouse is a disaster. A BS knows when you are playing head games and will go crazy sniffing out the full story. Don't play that mean, sickass little game. Get it all out at once and avoid hurting your spouse any further. Most BS can handle the truth, they can't handle more lies and should never be put in the position of having to drag the truth out of you. Yes, the truth hurts, but lies hurt even more!

You didn't have an affair because you got emotional support from each other that you were lacking in your M. Please do not tell your BH this. That puts the blame on HIM when it is on YOU.

Dr Harley explains why people have affairs: Because we are all wired for it and we have to take steps to prevent it from happening.

Having an opposite sex friendship is a big HUGE no-no. This is why you had an affair. You were meeting each other's emotional needs outside of M. I hope you realize this and part of your extraordinary protection plan in the future is no more opposite sex friendships.


Are Friends a Threat to Your Marriage?

In addition to coming clean and learning about how to recover your M, one of the MOST important things that you can do is to NEVER have contact with OM again. Ever.

Change your email and phone number (cell too). Today. Close down your FB (if OM is your friend on there). Any other way you two have had contact in the past, change it. Any letters, momentos from OM or pictures of him need to go in the trash.

Any further contact you have with him will be incredibly offensive to BH and is basically a continuation of the affair.

Demonstrate to your BH that you are dedicated to protecting him from any further pain. Please do these things. TODAY.

She should do whatever she can to make amends even if the BH doesn't want to recover the M, and he may not make that decision for a while.

Thank you all for your advice. I already wrote the NC letter and sent it to the OM, but my husband told me not to send it to the OMW because she's going trough a difficult pregnancy and it might put her at risk. The tricky thing here is my H cares for the OM and the OMW too, they are his friends and told me he doesn't want to hurt them, specially her.

my H is working nights so we have had little time to talk personally, so I wrote him an email explaining him the whole situation. He got home and told me he had read it and had a few questions, that we will discuss tonight. Of course I'm planning to be entirely truthful.

All of you are telling me to avoid all further contact with the OM, and even tough it feels bad to loose my best friend I also know it is the best thing to do, because I crossed a line and now it is not that friendship anymore.
But today my H told me to call the OM as many times as needed to let him know that my H won't tell anything to the OMW and that he adviced the OM not to tell her, at least not during her pregnancy.
When I told my H I didn't want to call him, he asked my why not, if I was certain it wouldn't happen again. So I did.
so? what do i do?

You didn't have an affair because you got emotional support from each other that you were lacking in your M. Please do not tell your BH this. That puts the blame on HIM when it is on YOU.

Dr Harley explains why people have affairs: Because we are all wired for it and we have to take steps to prevent it from happening.

Having an opposite sex friendship is a big HUGE no-no. This is why you had an affair. You were meeting each other's emotional needs outside of M. I hope you realize this and part of your extraordinary protection plan in the future is no more opposite sex friendships.

Thanks for the advice, I will not tell him that. Comes right on time, I will talk to him tonight.

About opposite-sex friendhip, before this I would have tought it was an exageration. Now I see dr.H is right. Wish I wpuld have learned this some other way,

Is the plan to trick the OM's wife and keep her in ignorance?

That is just wonderful that you continue to contact the OM to assure him you will help trick your other victim. That is really tricky and clever!! To trick and deceive a pregnant woman!!

Your remorse is so impressive....

vkali, you and your husband have a MORAL OBLIGATION to tell the OMW what you have done to her so she can protect herself from you and her husband. As long as she doesn't know what you did, you are FREE to continue to pursue her husband. She has to know so she can protect herself from you. There will never be a perfect time to tell her. WE have plenty of pregnant women on this forum who have found out about their husbands affair. It is not easy for anyone, but she has to know. Tricking and deceiving her is IMMORAL AND CRUEL.

Saying that telling her "will hurt her" is an insane excuse to lie to your victim. Would you avoid telling your neighbor his bookkeeper was embezzling his money because "it would hurt him?" Of course not! And no one would accept such a stupid, lame excuse.

You owe it to this woman to tell her the truth NOW. How dare you even consider deceiving a pregnant woman after what you have done to her? That is sick, evil and CRUEL.

Stop with the silly excuses to avoid doing the right thing. do the right thing and tell her NOW. The fact that you want to decieve your victim reflects a complete lack of remorse.