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THE MAN ON THE ROOF
A man was trapped on his rooftop by the rising waters of a flood.
A fellow came over in a rowboat and called to the man, �Hop into myboat! I�ll save you!�The stranded man refused, saying, �No � God will save me!�
The water rose to the man�s knees, and along came a rescuer in a motorboat.
�Get in my boat! I�ll save you!� cried the boater.
�No!� the man on the roof replied. �God will save me!�
Soon after, the water was up to the man�s chest.
Now came a helicopter with a sling suspended from it.
�Grab onto the sling!� called the pilot.�I�ll pull you up and save you!
�As the man called, �No, God will save me!� a wave swept him off theroof and he drowned.
As he entered into heaven, God greeted him, saying, �Welcome to heaven! Glad to see you!
Before I show you around and introduce youto some of the angels, do you have any questions?�
�Well, yes Sir, as a matter of fact I do have one question.� the man replied.
�There I was, stranded on my roof, with flood waters rising all around me!
Why didn�t you save me?�
�Well!� replied God. �I sent you two boats and a helicopter!
What more did you want?�
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have always loved that one ML.
Tee, look at exposure like an intervention for a wayward. You tell all of the influential people in your WW's life, and ask them to help her by telling her that what she is doing is wrong and that they will not support her decision to commit adultery.
How many marriages have your IL's saved from affairs? I think you would do best to follow the advice from DrH and the countless of others whom have saved their own marriages.
We have 3 types of people here in regards to exposure. Those who regret never doing it, those who regret doing it too late, and those who have NO regrets about their exposure. Which group do you want to be a part of? We all want you to be in the last group of people who have NO regrets, because it is the BEST chance you have at saving your WW from herself.
Your WW is no different than the others here. The beauty of these plans is that they work. You need to use it.
And you have all of the time to think about "letting go" when you are ready to enter Plan B. Get into Plan A and execute it. Begin with exposure.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Melody....amen!
Have heard that story before..just sad when people don't pay heed when they have the chance and the suppost.
TeEstimo, perhaps my post was harsh, but it was intended to be! Two people marry because they love and trust each other. When one of them, especially the H becomes so afraid of the other it weakens the relationship. Women (wiives) simply want their men to stand and fight for Them. That is as old as the human race. And, I believe, it is intended. If you are going to continue to be afraid then yes, you are going to lose her shortly. If you are willing to fight for her using the concepts and adcice here, then you have a chance.
I would like to talk with you more but have a few phone calls with family, but maybe tomorrow, but in the meantime please don't 1) sell yourself short, and 2) do not piss off Melody and the others here who are advising you.
Tom
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TeEstimo.
Have you considered this, along with all the advice you have received here - using your daughter to intervene in YOUR marital problems is not only cowerdly but borders on child abuse! Urging my daughter to be open with her mother is not the same as using her to fight my battle.. I dont coach her I just tell her its ok to talk from her heart. I am just lost. I hear / read / and get but I think that if really you spoke to me.. spoke to my wife and knew her... there is an element of truth in what I am saying. I love my wife with everything I am. But in the end of the day. I want my wife to chose me. I dont want her to come back to me because she has no other options. I believe that If I would have exposed in the beginning it would have been a valuable move. But the reality is.. She is so far away from me know. I have tried so many other moves and have done nothing more than drive her to his place myself. My wife is the type of person that If I told her that I supported her it would piss her off and she could not stand to be with him.. (not that I would be willing to do that) I need her to choose. We are unfortunatly at the stage where even if she ended the A she would leave still. I know the people that have been trying to help me are banging your head against your desk right now. And I am sorry. Your words have helped alot and I appreciate that. Damage has been done. Our marraige needs healing in more areas than just the A. Healing is not possible if both sides arent in a place to ask for it. I know in my heart that this is what I have to do. I know the odds are not good for our marraige. But for example already.. today. I have not been around her at all She comes in the room I get busy in another, I take the kids downstairs and build something with them. Now she is following me around like a puppy dog.. asking .. what are you doing.. where are you going? Who are you calling.. I go up stairs to read and 5 minutes later she comes up and sits in the chair next to me staring at the ceiling.. making the sigh noise every now and then. I know she is thinking.. TeE, My wife and I have been in the position to counsel/help many others who have dealt with affairs in the last few years. I can tell you for a fact that the approach here works. It's the best one out there. Your wife is no different from any other Wayward spouse. that is the truth. She is not doing anything unique or different from what anyone else's wayward spouse has done. Sure she's pissed off. she will be for a while. It's called **FOG**. Exposure breaks through that fog. The prophet Hosea's wife didn't want to come back to him at all. He had to cut off all her avenues of pleasure before she quit being an adulteress. Even to the point of exposure. This is not care you are showing, it's neglect. She's not thinking right and you are allowing her to continue thinking poorly. Sure, she is thinking... You know what great thinkers do? they think. Know what great doers do? The act. Don't trust your heart on this, trust your head. Remember the words of Jeremiah: Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Healing can begin if one side begins working it and the other party joins in later. The point is, you have to start now. CV
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I know in my heart that this is what I have to do. Agree 100% with celticvoyager that you are not showing care, but NEGLECT. He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But he who walks wisely will be delivered. Proverbs 28:26
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been reading many of the articles in the MB site.. All have been very helpful in understanding my situation.
I want to start.. I truly Love my Wife.. She is my world. I cannot imagine anyone better for me than her.
We have been together now for 11 years married for almost 3. We have a 10 yr old girl. 6 yr old girl and a 4 yr old son. I am 36 she is 35
I have always had a problem with Video games. But I still took care of my family well.. about 3 years ago. I lost my mother do to an unforseen circumstance and had to make the dicision to terminate life support. Within the same year repeated with my father. Both I had to pay to bury. Also I my carreer is in the mortgage industry and I am sure most is aware of how that went and is going. I have never been one that allowed people to know when I was down. With being in financial peril also. I was not only depressed about losing my mother and father.. but becoming very guilty about struggling to provide a life for my family. We became prisoners to our home not able to afford to do anything but pay bill.. We even had to ration trips into town due to cost of gas. Afraid to allow my wife to help me ( and she was there with her whole heart and soul ) I withdrew so far into the addiction to video game I became someone that I am not proud to admit. Looking back I see clearly the neglect, the irritation I had and really how difficult I was to live with. I fell into a phase of blaming everyone but myself for the continued growing problems we were having.. Financial and Life in general. I had a great relationship with her father.. He would come visit almost every other month. Things got so bad I could barely talk with him or handle him here because I could feel the air of disapointment. For id say the last 7 months. My guilt for the time I spent playing games was growing.. I loved when my wife game home.. but the look of sadness when she saw me at the computer playing instead of working was killing me. Tension was High.. about 4 months ago I began going downstairs after my wife would fall asleep and Id sit on the couch crying because i was sick of living life the way were were.. I hated that I could not take my daughter to the zoo for her birthday. I would wake up every morning and run down the list I will get this done before Id play.. and low and behold my motivation for doing that would turn to ok ill play one game then get to work.. then next thing i would know my wife was walking through the door. Dissapointed again. About 5 weeks ago My wife went out with the girls.. ( something I am never a fan of because the level of out of control was always so high..) After she left I sat down and watched a movie with someone that is staying with us. After the movie they went to bed. I went to my computer to play.. but for the first time.. I couldnt.. I felt so guilty and I just didnt want my wife to come home and see me playing. Well. 3 am came along my wife was not home yet.. I called her.. she was at an after party... We got into an argument.. I spent all night outside ( 30degrees) crying and calling out to God.. Why is this world doing this to me?.. Something clicked.. something my wife had been saying to me along time You always blame everyone else but never want to blame yourself. When my wife finally came home.. She slowly came up stairs.. when ever she came home from ladies night.. the fights were never good. but this time I was actually very calm.. I appologized for the neglect that I know that I had been showing her.. I told her that I was done playing and that I was going to stand up and quit feeling sorry for myself and start doing my job and provide a life for my family. She confessed that she kissed another man. She said that she does not know if she can forgive me.. and that she may have given all that she could.
We slept because we had both been up very late. I woke first and proceeded to my computer. I deleted everything from it. Every game. Even the face book apps. I proceeded to bag up every game.. in which my 6 year old broke my heart by saying.. but daddy how will you play your games ..?? i like to watch you play them.. I said to her.. wouldnt you rather me get off the computer and play with you? She had the biggest smile on her face.. and asked You want to do that?..
It has been about 6 weeks I havent played a game.. have no desire to play. I have lost 70 pounds as well. because I also allowed myself grow to 330 lbs something that also added to my depression. I am determined to get back into shape in all aspects. I have been showering my family with attention and love.
My wife is struggling with the change.. She also has admitted that it was more than a kiss.. that she has developed feelings for this man. A tudor at her college that she started going to for help.. ( 25 years old) She says that there are two questions that she cant answer for herself.. 1) Why it took her not coming home to make me quit.. ( she does not believe how close i was to doing this anyway) And 2) how she can know the next slump I will not fall back into that. I tell her that because I love her.. I love my kids.. and I dont want to lose them. I tell her that I have opened my eyes. and I realize that my family will get me through the hard times. The games only let me avoid dealing with them. I have put alot of pressure on her to give me the chance to prove it which only pushes her to run off to this guy. My wife is someone that knows and if you try to convince her she will retreat to the opposite.. But With so much at stake Its hard for me to not fight. This last month has been very tough.. But I am staying commited to my goals. I managed to get money enough to provide christmas for our kids.. And I am changing jobs ( one that she knows I hate but I know I can make good money at it fast to get us out of this hole.)
The sad thing is.. I understand my part in leading us down this path. She is becoming someone that she would dispise. It is almost like we have switched. Now instead of dealing she goes off to him. Even to the point where she is spending very little time with her kids. I pointed that out which ended up with her getting mad and going to his house. She says she wants me to leave when she gets angry. She says she is tired of feeling guilty.. and puts that on me as the source. She has been very nausiated lately.. She says that she does not love me but even her friends deny that when they see her hug me. Plus when you are connected with someone you can tell.. I know she is afraid, and very hurt.
So this is where support would be helpful. one hand she says that she does not love me anymore and wants me to leave.. then she talks to me about future plans. She says that she does not know that I can make her happy but we do have fun we laugh and play together then she pauses withdraws goes up stairs calls him then comes back a bit more distant. She does not want to put the kids through the pain of me leaving.. Something that I do not think she really understands how devestating it will be to them. My girls are very Very daddys girls.
The odd thing is.. and another thing that she is having a hard time with.. I really am not angry about the affair ( I am hurt but not angry) I know my part in this. I have every desire to meet her emotional needs.. its not work its truly what makes me happy. She can not take care of the home on her own. So me leaving really isnt a viable option. I dont want to leave. I know that once this guy is gone She will see that the changes I have made are real. I know that she will develop those feelings for me again once this guy is gone. And I know that after recovery I will not ever have to worry again as long as I stay true to myself.
Now .. i am not making these changes just to save my marraige. I was not happy with the man i was becoming. I can not be happy with my self unless I am true to myself and become the man I am meant to be.
So the odds are that after the holidays she is going to ask me for a divorce. ( but she still says I dont know if I can make her happy.. and giving me that chance is a huge risk.)
I dont want to leave.. But I will if she insists. I asked her a few days ago.. ( And Alot of the problem with us getting on reconciliation path is I ask and try to convince to much). I asked Let me stay.. So that I can focus on work and getting our family back to being able to live. And Let me Pursue you. ( something I know that this guy has to be gone first before it would be effective.) I have made the decision to leave it alone now and focus on the kids and work and my work on myself. and will wait. I know she knows what is right.
One thing that maybe a female perspective would help.. She says leave me alone give me space quit trying to be arround me. But then when I pretty much avoid her all day she starts following me around and doing the where you going what are you doing rutine.. And tonight.. after she lied to our kids to go and see him. She stoped to kiss me.. ( first time she has kissed me in several weeks. ((she has allowed me to kiss her a few times))).. Dont know .. frustrating.. I think that is alot of the details. Your thoughts. TEE If you addressed this before in an earlier post I apologize. You reference leaving your home 5 times in your first post. Would you really leave your three children in the hands of your WW? Why with the circumstances as they are would you even consider leaving? Did you break your vows? Have you abused her physically or mentally? Are you a danger in any way to her or the children? Under the circumstances if someone leaves it needs to be your WW. Yes you probably had/have some bad habits and items that need work on your side of the street but did you have an A? Did you really stab her in the worst way that is possible in a M? Make sure and read this. I really don't understand your reluctance to Expose. If your planning on leaving your home at her insistance your WW will continue the A regardless of whatever BULL S reason she gives you. You will just be accomodating her desire to spend uninterupted time with the OM and not have to face any guillt when or if she comes home.. After you move out YOU can always help pay all her bills to. Put Child support on top of that. All so she can have more free uninterupted time and doesn't have to answer to you if and when she comes home. Kids will be OK. They will have a babysitter or maybe you can watch them while she goes out. Oh ya...Your kinda doing that now. Shouldn't be too much of a change. Hang in there...It only sucks more when you wait for God to do the work you should be doing yourself. HE has never "just" done mine yet...Maybe your an exception............ Men..Don't leave your homes nESRE
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Originally Posted By: TheRoadI've seen too many marriages end before the affairs ended because exposure never was done.
I've seen too many affairs restart because exposure never happened.
I've seen too many 2nd, 3rd, etc, affairs happen through the years of the marraige because exposure never happened.
So when a WS comes here and say's they would of never stayed if they were exposed I say there is a WS that will be wayward again.
The BS did nothing wrong or to be mad at. All the BS did was tell the truth.
If the WS wants to be mad then they just have to look at the one that decided to have an affair and be mad at him/her.
Road,
Could you please repost this on TeEstimo's thread? This is very timely.
CV
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@nesre Other than some Neglect and a few words that should never be said to a mother in front of our children. No I dont demean her I dont beat her. I do see the value in exposure. I am hearing those words. It is also stated there are three catagories of BS. Those who never exposed. Those who exposed to late and those who succesfully exposed. I unfortunately am in the too late category. One thing I am trying to get across to my wife.. Even though I was withdrawn in the the world of Video games I was still here. I know her very well. Though I am frustrated at the choices she is making I do know what is going on in her mind. She is fighting hard the feelings she has for me. She is very afraid to give me the opportunity to hurt her again. This OM isnt something that has anything to offer her but escape from that pressure. She knows that She knows that no real relationship will become of it. I have to get rid of the pressure from my side and make home comfortable for her. She knows I can provide a life for her, that I can give her security, that I love her with everything I am. All she askes is to let her adjust to my change something that I have not been to willing to give her. I am a man I like things fixed now. If when she said that to me the first time and just focused on getting done what I needed to get done to take care of my family and just loved her. Instead of overwhelming her with pressure to commit to recovery Id probably be in a different spot right now.
This guy is so uncompatible for her. I know that he is starting to put pressure on her. He is starting to wear away the safety veil that he is.
I am not leaving my home. If she wants to she can.. But I am working to show her that that isnt the answer since the main reason why is she is having a hard time dealing with seeing me in pain everytime she comes home or finishes talking with him.
My wife needs to make a choice. I want her to choose me. I have to show her something worth chosing in me. When i leave her alone I catch her staring at me. When I go to another room she follows many times. When I go read the bible she comes and sits down in my view. When I leave her alone. Yesterday was a great day. We had alot of fun together with her parents. At night she pushed her way into my arms and I held her all night. (first time in a long time)
I am in a sucky spot. I know many of you may disagree with this position. But I do think that If you knew me .. and knew really knew my wife You might see where I am coming from. I know i am rolling Big Dice and yeah the odds are on the house. But in the end. I want my wife to choose me. I want my wife to choose reconciliation. Not do it because she had no where else to go. Does that make me weak? Stupid? Neglectful? I dont know. I just know I love my wife with everything I am, I love my family with everything I am. Though I did nothing wrong enough to deserve what She is doing to our family right now. I did do something wrong enough that she needs to heal and forgive. I cant demand that she forgives me. She has to come to that in her heart. The more I demand it the more she runs and hides so she does not have to deal with it. That is what I have to remove.
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@
I am in a sucky spot. I know many of you may disagree with this position. Of course we disagree with you. Because we know how to save marriages and you do not. We saved our marriages. Your marriage is doomed. You are the least objective person on this thread and don't have any idea what you are doing. You are utterly lost in a mishmash of incoherence. But that's ok. If you don't want to take the lifesaver we throw you, there is nothing we can do until you are serious about saving your marriage. We will be here when you get serious. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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TeE-
I would strongly advise you to listen to the advice you are given here and implement EVERYTHING they are telling you to do to save your marriage....now! You have a unique advantage here to save your life and you are throwing it all away. You are being stubborn, hardheaded, and are quickly on the verge of becoming a divorced fool. I beg you...listen to these people and do what they say.
If I'd been fortunate enough to have the counsel of these wise people so many years ago I probably wouldn't be divorced today. You DO have this benefit of the collective knowledge of their personal experiences, and you are turning your nose up at it??? These people aren't here for fun and games and sure as hell don't get paid for their time and efforts. They are here to help YOU! Period!
I guess it's your life to live. Good luck living it alone and always remembering what you could have done to save it.
I know, in retrospect, I think about what I could've done every single day.
Don't become me. You will not like it...
Not one bit!
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I know ML and I do appreciate the thought and care and time you are putting into a complete stranger. I know you heart is right in wanting to help. And I do thank you deeply for that. I wish that I could find the link to the excerpt from the main website that I am basing a little bit of my choices on.
There is just one reality and maybe you can give me some insite on this to help me. My wife needs to forgive me for the neglect i showed my family when i was lost in the Games..
She askes me 2 questions repeatedly. and makes 2 comments as well.
?1. How do i know the next time i get in a rutt that I will never fall back into that world again.
My answer.. because I love you ,, I love my kids.. and I have learned going through this experience.. which is the worst i have ever gone through my life.. that spendig time with you.. my kids.. hugging you all kissing you all gives me something that helps me get through it.. the games.. gave me nothing. it only delayed me dealing.. and only added more depression...
?2. Other than the kids.. why should I give you a 2nd chance..
I say that she deserves it. She deserves to be treated like a husband should treat their wife. (she responds why risk getting that from you when i might find it from someone else..) Everyone is a risk.. there is no gaurantees why not take the one that you have already vested 12 years into....??
Statement 1. The hardest part for me to forgive you.. is I gave you my heart and soul.. and you made me feel like that wasnt good enough for you... ( my response. it was good enough.. and to be honest if you werent there I dont know really where I would be when things got their darkness for me. its because of your love and support I finally made it through it)
Statement 2. You hurt me once fool on you.. Hurt me twice fool on me.. My response to that is pretty much the same as my response to ?2.
Those 4 items .. she likes my answer but she feels its just a sales pitch without true meaning.
Give me your feed back on that. Because even if the A ends Forgiveness from her is still a big issue causing damage as well to our marraige.. I know the changes I have made are real. Everyone else that looks sees it.. And the changes were for me. I need to be the man I should be.. regardless of the outcome. But she feels its all tactic and as soon as I have her back Ill revert..
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No one is going to help you analyze fog babble. You're obviously feeling incredibly guilty about your past behavior and that means your WW has you by the balls.
Forgive yourself NOW and stop waiting for her to do it. If you can get past this guilt, you'll start to wake up and see that you're being SNOWED.
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You have been posting something similar to this
""" But for example already.. today. I have not been around her at all She comes in the room I get busy in another, I take the kids downstairs and build something with them. Now she is following me around like a puppy dog.. asking .. what are you doing.. where are you going? Who are you calling.. I go up stairs to read and 5 minutes later she comes up and sits in the chair next to me staring at the ceiling.. making the sigh noise every now and then. I know she is thinkin"""
You see what happens when you pull away??
That is what you need to do.Stop trying to love here back in...
Just out of curiosity why are you so cool with her having EA/PA with OM
But you are affraid to expose to the school??
This always blows my mind
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I know ML and I do appreciate the thought and care and time you are putting into a complete stranger. I know you heart is right in wanting to help. And I do thank you deeply for that. I wish that I could find the link to the excerpt from the main website that I am basing a little bit of my choices on.
There is just one reality and maybe you can give me some insite on this to help me. My wife needs to forgive me for the neglect i showed my family when i was lost in the Games..
She askes me 2 questions repeatedly. and makes 2 comments as well.
?1. How do i know the next time i get in a rutt that I will never fall back into that world again.
My answer.. because I love you ,, I love my kids.. and I have learned going through this experience.. which is the worst i have ever gone through my life.. that spendig time with you.. my kids.. hugging you all kissing you all gives me something that helps me get through it.. the games.. gave me nothing. it only delayed me dealing.. and only added more depression...
?2. Other than the kids.. why should I give you a 2nd chance..
I say that she deserves it. She deserves to be treated like a husband should treat their wife. (she responds why risk getting that from you when i might find it from someone else..) Everyone is a risk.. there is no gaurantees why not take the one that you have already vested 12 years into....??
Statement 1. The hardest part for me to forgive you.. is I gave you my heart and soul.. and you made me feel like that wasnt good enough for you... ( my response. it was good enough.. and to be honest if you werent there I dont know really where I would be when things got their darkness for me. its because of your love and support I finally made it through it)
Statement 2. You hurt me once fool on you.. Hurt me twice fool on me.. My response to that is pretty much the same as my response to ?2.
Those 4 items .. she likes my answer but she feels its just a sales pitch without true meaning.
Give me your feed back on that. Because even if the A ends Forgiveness from her is still a big issue causing damage as well to our marraige.. I know the changes I have made are real. Everyone else that looks sees it.. And the changes were for me. I need to be the man I should be.. regardless of the outcome. But she feels its all tactic and as soon as I have her back Ill revert.. TeE, It is very obvious she is calling the shots here, and you aren't willing to do what it takes. I am not sure we can help you at all if you aren't willing to do anything. Exposure really is your only shot at this point. I say this as someone who didn't do a full exposure, and know the benefits of it now. It is NOT too late. The other thing that is standing out is that this is a revenge affair. She is doing this to hurt you. Whatever she perceives you have done is being paid back to you through this affair.... And you are letting her. We'll be here if you want to work the plan, but there's nothing we can do til then. CV
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Give me your feed back on that. Because even if the A ends Forgiveness from her is still a big issue causing damage as well to our marraige.. I know the changes I have made are real. Everyone else that looks sees it.. And the changes were for me. I need to be the man I should be.. regardless of the outcome. But she feels its all tactic and as soon as I have her back Ill revert.. Your questions indicate to me that you don't understand your wife's mentality. This is why I pointed out that you are the least objective person on this thread, which explains your incoherence. You don't understand how foggy your wife is due to her affair. An affair is an addiction which produces a fogged out mentality much like that of a falling down drunk. So ask yourself if you would try to reason with a falling down drunk? Would you expect a falling down drunk to make good "choices?" If the falling down drunk wanted to go drive the car would you sit back and hope she makes a "good choice?" Well, that is what you are doing. You are asking us to help you negotiate with a falling down drunk. I believe if you think about it you will understand that you are not using sound judgment. In the meantime, you are wasting our time and yours posting your wife's fogbabble. Doing so will not help your marriage one bit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
You are allowing the drunk driver to go driving with you and your kids in the back seat because you are too complacent to take over the wheel and help your family. You are as reckeless and irresponsible as your wife by allowing her to harm your family.
Complacence reflects a lack of caring. And that is the exact message you send your wife and children. You are neglecting your marriage and your children's family, Sir.
As CV said earlier, this is NEGLECT, not LOVE. Sitting by while your wife makes marriage WRECKING decisions is not love. Sitting by while she wrecks your children's family and doing nothing is not love.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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?1. How do i know the next time i get in a rutt that I will never fall back into that world again.
?2. Other than the kids.. why should I give you a 2nd chance. Well, if you are going to give into the fog babble, at least you could use an MB approach. Answer to question 1: "We can work together to have the marriage we both deserve. We can both be happy if we follow a plan." Answer to question 2: "The best scenario for the children, and for us as well, is for their family to remain intact. We can have that, when we follow a plan." Rinse, repeat.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Oct 2009
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Now, why don't you hop onto the MB plans and get cracking. Exposure would be a first good step.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Oct 2009
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You see what happens when you pull away??
That is what you need to do.Stop trying to love here back in... Ummm, did I miss where DrH suggested this as a part of Plan A? Pretty certain that DrH and MB plans are that you Plan A your WS by "trying to love her back in" by showing a willingness to meet ENs in the future, should the WS agree to end all contact FOR LIFE with their AP, and follow a plan for recovery.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Tee,
I hope you are ok over there. I wanted to follow up with you. I myself was a WW and I feel I have insight into the Wayward mind, especially the WW.
When high on an affair, NOTHING the BS does is good enough. You can spend hours talking with her about how she sees you and your contribution to the marriage and it won't shift her until the affair spell is broken.
When wayward, all we see are the flaws in our existing relationship. My husband could have been a saint when I was wayward but all I saw were the things that bothered me and they were amplified about 150%.
You've got to focus on busting the affair and the first step is exposure. Why? Because it's like popping the fantasy bubble. The high of the affair gets busted and suddenly the wayward sees the horror of their own behavior.
You're drinking her kool aid because you know you neglected her leading up to this but it sounds like you've done a complete 180 in terms of caring for kids, home and wife. You need to feel good about that and don't let her chip away at the work you're doing by lording the past over you.
She cannot be in charge right now. She is not thinking clearly and is HIGH. Bring her out of the fog with exposure. She will be angry and it's no guarantee that your marriage will survive but what are your options? Wait around while she continues to hook up with this dirtbag? That behavior on her part is going to kill you and destroy your family.
It's great that your in laws are helping you here but are you hesitant to expose partially because they will be humiliated if others find out about their daughter's brazen behavior? You have to put your marriage and your kids first now and get your WW out of the fog. Once that happens, you'll have a fighting chance here.
I am sending you strength!! Break out of this and be the leader your family needs you to be now.
Last edited by zibbles; 12/31/11 01:32 PM.
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Depression
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