CV,

I should be in plan B. I haven't implemented MB style. I have minimized contact with H. I don't answer any calls or emails. He blames me for not encouraging son to call or email.

H and I don't have legal separation agreement or child visitation plan. I have not denied DS to see H. But, I don't tell him to call or write. Does that make me a bad mother?

CV,

H has told me today he filed for child visitation. I do have a lawyer. Here is why I haven't pushed the issue. If I file for custody/child visitation then the court will probably grant H standard visitation but will not allow DS around OW for overnights. Right now, I have my son 24/7 with an occasional (1 every 2 weeks) couple hours with H. I like that. I know I'm being selfish. I don't want to share my son. This is H consequence for leaving. I think it's like throwing crumbs to my son when all he really wants is dad to come home. I've called my husband a sperm donor with a wallet. A real father doesn't walk out on his son. H's not there to do the hard work.

I want to move far away from my toxic H, my son of course loves his dad. I feel my world falling apart. What is fair for my son? I'm struggling to make the right decision.

CV,

Thanks for being there tonight. I'm in tears and it's nice to know someone is there. I want my family soooooo much. It's hard to let go.

Study up on plan B. You need it NOW for YOUR mental health. You might think it will drive you further apart but you are getting into some damaging situations and giving your WH amo for a custody battle.

Get an IM set up asap. Set up visitation. PULL BACK so that you can regain your balance here.

From the beginning of your story, your WH has sounded like a reluctant and difficult partner. You might be surprised to discover that you feel much, much better with no contact. It seems scary and no doubt you will go through withdrawal but it seems like the path you're currently on is quickly eroding your mental and emotional health.

HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.

TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.

DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.

INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.

IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.

They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.

The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.

If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.

If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.

CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.

A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.

PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).

Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.

Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.

Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.

Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.

ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.

In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.

IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.

If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.
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Okay, I agree with you. Then the next question is how do I deal with the "no hope" feeling. I already feel I've lost everything, this would just be the nail in the coffin.

Thank-you all for your support. I feel like I can barely function, but I have to for my son. Plan B by Wed.


So any answers to above? PB takes me from the drama but how to get past the pain?