Hi, newbie here

I'm looking for tips to survive my H's A. He is very confused and although we are talking about the issues in our marriage and working on them, he doesn't want to tell the OW it's over (although he isn't currently seeing her) because, in the case of our marriage falling apart, he feels that he has the best chance of happiness with her and if she knows it's over he thinks she will return to her own country (she's an American postgrad student here in the UK) and he will lose the love of his life.

While I'm thinking about working on the marriage, I feel quite positive, but when something causes me to think about the A I go to pieces and whole days pass where I don't get anything done because I am constantly reminded it's not over. This happened today when I was checking back in my 2011 diary to make plans for my 2012 diary and saw reminders of the lead up to the affair.

Anyone found things that have helped you cope in this situation? I need to be able to cope with what happened (partiuclarly the knowledge that we may not stay together and that if we don't the OW's ready and waiting!) sufficiently to work on the marriage.

For info:
We've been married 13 years, together 18
2 children aged 7 and 5
H is 40, I am 38
H had EA 10 yrs ago. We never addressed the issues of ENs or went deeply enough into what had gone wrong.
We may be too incompatible anyway - and in that case I can 'understand' why H wants to keep his options open even thought I feel INCREDIBLY bitter about it!
The atmosphere in the house is good - we are kind to each other and talking openly.

Thank you anyone who reads this.
Susie

Hi Susie, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

Has your husband ended all contact with the OW? Does he ever see her, email her, or speak to her?

Thanks for replying, MelodyLane.

She texts him with updates about her life (new job, where she is in her PhD etc) and he replies briefly.

He is in a public position in a church (not clergy) and she has attended the church since moving to the area (shortly after starting the affair - her PhD is in my H's specialist area). She hasn't attended church much over the Christmas period but I am not sure if that's because she's been away anyway.

Susie,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Who have you exposed to? Your church needs to know what's going on. You Husband needs to break all contact and cannot continue an emotional affair with this woman and work on reconciling. We call this "cake-eating" here. He wants the best of both worlds, a backup in case things don't go right. In truth is is non-commitment. He needs to commit to no contact for life. Even if it means leaving your church.

CV

Thanks, CV, really appreciate you replying.

I can see this. I can't see how to make DH see this without breaking the reconciliation process of talking and understanding where this has come from.

He is employed by the church and our house comes with his job. Our children go to a school paid for mostly by the church because of his position in the church.

We have to work out what is wrong with our marriage (and are uncovering issues on both sides). If I push it (by insisting on NC) I am afraid the response will be that our differences are insurmountable. I don't know how to insist on NC without being confrontational in an ultimately fatal way.

Thanks again.
S

Susie,

Have you considered these scriptures? I write these to you as an ordained man in our denomination.

Mat 18:15-17 "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (16) But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. (17) If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.


1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes that the right to divorce does not belong to the cheating spouse, but to the betrayed.

1Jn 3:6-10 No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. (7) Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. (8) Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. (9) No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God. (10) By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

As long as he is continuing his actions, he is not fit for any type of ministry in the church.

He cannot continue in his sin and say he is "of God".

Adultery is a sin, and continued contact is continued adultery.

Consider the Prophet Malachi's words given to Israel:

Mal 2:13-17 And this second thing you do. You cover the LORD's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. (14) But you say, "Why does he not?" Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. (15) Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. (16) "For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless." (17) You have wearied the LORD with your words. But you say, "How have we wearied him?" By saying, "Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and he delights in them." Or by asking, "Where is the God of justice?"

Your husband's continued sin is not just sin against you, but against God and His people as well. The man who does this is faithless says Malachi.

Whether he is ordained clergy or not, if he is acting in an official capacity for the church, then these words also apply to him as well:

1Ti 3:1-7 The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. (2) Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, (3) not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. (4) He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, (5) for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? (6) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. (7) Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.

Notice also the connection between Malachi and Paul's words in Timothy. A man who is adulterous is violent. He does violence to his wife, children and the church through his adultery.


See why exposure is important? He is cheating on you, your children, the church and God.

Christ came to shine light on the darkness, so that the deeds of the wicked would be exposed. exposure brings these deeds to light so they can be cut out and removed, so you both can live upright and holy before God.

CV

Susie, is the OW married and has the affair been exposed to the church heirarchy? You can't recover your marriage unless all contact is ended and the way to do that is expose the affair.

So working on your marriage is a waste of time until you end the affair.

Thanks CV and ML

CV - that's a lot to think about (and you are SO generous with your time to quote all of that). I need to think about all of what you've said quite deeply (and it's very late in the UK).

ML - OW is unattached.

You both agree on the importance of exposure and I can see the reasoning behind that. I cannot risk exposure, however, until I am 100% convinced that is the right way because of the potential (far reaching) impact on my children. I know that is not fair (because DH did not consider that in his actions) but that is how I am right now (not necessarily always).

You have both given me valuable food for thought and I thank you!
Susie

The impact on your children will be very good because exposure will likely be the step that will save your marriage. NOT exposing will have far reaching, damaging effects on your children. There is nothing more effective at saving marriages, and that benefits your children. Any children over the age of 4 should be told about his affair. Giving children false explanations for the source of the tension in their home causes them great confusion and teaches them that dishonesty is acceptable.

Please read this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

After my previous post I read your link in your sig and really understood where you're coming from!

I read Dr H's post on exposure too, and came back to my original issue of DH's job (which he could easily lose). Dr H says that in this situation he would decide 'case by case' and I truly think that this case could fall into the 'do not expose just yet' group.

Telling the children also falls into this - DH, church and school are so interlinked that it would be reckless to expose UNLESS I am convinced it has to be.

I'm sorry, I know this sounds wishy washy and pathetic.

Bizarrely, there is little tension at home! Yes, I know that's weird, too, but we are both calm mostly, explain when Mummy is a bit sad, that she's sad about grown up things, are affectionate, separately and together, with the children, and quite a lot have a nice time together! Our talking happens calmly when the children are not around, and we are addressing issues. I am seeing moves towards us being closer and there are hints of a future if we can sort things (and I haven't forgotten that addressing the reality of the affair is paramount).

I can't risk this at the moment.

Sorry, again, as I am sure you must be tearing your hair out with my refusal to see something so obvious...

Well no, not quite. This is a CHURCH. In this case you should expose. So this would fall into the YOU MUST expose group. Your H should lose that job, he is not fit to be a leader in a church as he is a fox in the henhouse. You do him and your church no favors by protecting his secret.

So no, this is not a case where Dr Harley advocates secrecy.

In that case, exposure targets would be:

1. his employer
2. your families
3. close friends
4. children
5. OW's family

That is where I would focus.

More to think about (really appreciate your inut)!

I have to go to bed now (it's after midnight in the UK) but will consider all of this.

Thanks,
Susie

And this is his SECOND AFFAIR. [that you know about] Your H has been wayward for a very long time. It will take a serious effort this time to turn your marriage around.

The longer you allow this go on the more entrenched the affair and the more likely he is to leave you for the OW. You won't have benefit of that job when he leaves you for the OW and files for divorce.

Your marriage will not work because you are still putting money ahead of your marriage. Was this a pattern in your marriage? This is a problem for your marriage.

Exposure has the highest possibility to save your marriage. If he loses his job, then that is a consequence to his nasty choices.

Do you want your marriage?

Then EXPOSE this sordid sin to Melody's list above. You cannot save a marriage when a third person is incessantly invading.

Susie, This is not bizarre at all. Your WH is happy as a sand boy with TWO women meeting his needs. Both women know about the other and yet neither will step up and require him to stop his sinful behavior.

Don't be fooled by his "affectionate" behavior. He is appeasing you so that he can continue his affair AND keep his cushy church job and family. He is throwing you scraps to keep you at bay. This is actually quite common. We see it here all the time. You are his cover to protect his image.

You are enabling him. Why do you think so little of yourself to allow him to remain in contact with someone who is assaulting your family and marriage? That is not a loving and caring husband... that is spitting in your face.



We call it Plan Doormat. Susie, don't live your life like this. I really hate when I see a BS willingly choose a death of a thousand cuts.

Susie,
I am going through the same thing; my wife started an emotional affair and eventually moved in with her lover for a week.
The MB Forum envouraged me to expose from the beginning, but I was afraid of upseting my spouse. So I kept enabling my wifes affair until she started spending the night at her lovers house.
YOU ARE BETTER than a DOORMAT. When your husband refuses to end the affair, you are a DOORMAT. He may be your "friend", but would a friend really walk all over you?
If you like being a DOORMAT, keep enabling your husbands affair by keeping it secret. You can even lie to your children to enable the work of Satan.
But when you are ready to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, then please follow the MB program. I know this from experience

Susie, if you truly believe that DrH would advise you against exposure, give him a call. I am quite certain that won't be the case.

It's obvious that you have read a lot on this site, why do you insist on calling your WH, "DH"? He is most definitely wayward.

And the title of your thread is misleading. Your WH's A has not ended. And why would you be willing to stick around, while your WH is in a renter's mentality? You should accept only a buyers marriage.

Thank you again.

We have already exposed to both of our families and close friends. I do not know the OW's family who are in a different country or how to contact them. Our children are 7 and 5 and I think too young to deal with this, because they could end up talking about it at school, leading to public exposure (school and church are linked).

Public exposure would probably lead to coverage in the national papers here, meaning almost certainly loss of job (he is not a pastor) and career. I do not think our marriage would survive this at present.

You may well all be right about exposure, but I do not think I can risk it at this time.

In my thread title I did not say that the A was over, just that he is not seeing her and has had only a few texts from her (information ones) that he has responded to. Nothing over the Christmas period.

The EA was not resolved properly 10 years ago - I realise that now. We did not look at ENs etc at the time or since. Since D-Day, we have talked very openly about the issues in our marriage.

Scotland - your last point is very relevant. There is and has been a lot wrong with this marriage, I see now. If I decide I don't want to work at it, though, then the marriage ends before we have a chance to get the marriage we could have.

There have been gradual but clear changes in H's attitude. I do not feel I can risk all of this with exposure and accept that many of you will not agree.

I was hoping for some support with dealing with this situation, but I realise that until I go about things in the MB way (with exposure right at the top) this is probably not the right place to come and I understand and accept that.

Again, thanks for your time.

Susie, the problem with the Marriage Builders forum is that most people here won't help you make marriage wrecking decisions. That is not support. By keeping the affair a secret, you serve to enable it. Your path is the most likely to lead to divorce, because "improving your marriage" is impossible as long as your husband is in an ongoing affair. Your marriage won't survive an ongoing affair. You won't have benefit of that job when you get divorced.

If you can only keep your H employed by decieving his employer about his destructive, unprofessional behavior, then you are part of the problem. That is dishonest. You leave him free to pursue other women in the church and leave the church vulnerable just because you are afraid of losing financial support.

Your H's employer needs to know he is not fit to be in a position of authority so he can be removed. The church will be in a terrible position when it gets out that your H is committing adultery with the parisioners. That is what you face by trying to keep this a secret, you LOSE control of how it comes out.

I personally refuse to "support" someone who enables an affair and it is wrong to ask others to help you hide and cover up your husbands dirty secret.

I realize you are in a bad spot, but hiding it is the worst possible thing you can do. The worst thing for your husband, your marriage, and your children's family. And the worst thing for the church. It will come out eventually, you just won't know WHEN.