@Krazy71- Thank you for asking that question. That is the question on my mind today. I can't tell you how much fear comes up and engulfs me when I ask myself this.

How do I even trust myself at this point to know if what I am feeling/thinking is the right answer? Obviously, if I can be snowed by him our entire marriage- I'm not as smart as I thought I was.

You had a marriage? Oh, I'm sorry. Reading through your posts, it doesn't look like you had one to me.

You have two options. Stay or divorce.

@Krazy71- Yes, those are my options. Choosing the correct one is the current dilemma.

My head tells me to GO. My heart tells me to STAY. My gut is indifferent.

It is a rollercoaster and no decisions need to be made today.

This is a good point.

Also, the mind can justify nearly any choice...try to examine your decision objectively and don't it be guided by fear.

Keep a thought journal. Not a feeling journal. Journaling thoughts/ideas helps establish self trust after about a month.
Trust that you will be wrong sometimes.
Trust that you will survive/correct your course when you have been wrong.
Trust that you are allowed to have nonsense feelings.
Trust that feelings are continually changing. So, don't anchor to feelings.

Have you ever been sailing?
You learn to read the signs of the weather/nature and you set sail. When the weather/nature signs change, you change your course.
Sailors learn to trust their weather/nature reading skills based on experience.

You will do likewise.

Hello again.

I wish that I would have been knocked out of my BS fog earlier and realized that the MB plan is the WAY to go instead of trying to implement my own thoughts/actions of how things could be handled. Because of my failure to properly follow MB, we both contributed to damaging our marriage further.

I listed out the emergency EN's that I needed to feel safe and to move forward with reconciliation. My most important was, of course, NO CONTACT WITH AP. However, I did NOT enforce a NC letter. (I could kick myself.) I implemented a version (again, didn't fully commit to MB) of Plan A and created a home he would want to come to and a wife that is pleasant to be around while meeting each other's EN's.

I got the word on Wednesday from MOW BH that my WS and OW were still continuing to talk at work as of last week. I do not believe I mentioned this earlier, but his AP was his boss at work. Upon confrontation, he denied everything I inquired about. Once I came forward with proof, he apologized for lying and said he just didn't want to "hurt me anymore". He then immediately quit his job. Had I had my head out of my ***, I would have asked him to quit on day one. I stupidly fell for the "it will be strictly business!" line without fully realizing what I was jeopardizing by allowing that.

I exposed the affair to his parents, my parents and my 8 year old LO (who is WH step-son, my child from a previous relationship); our friends and anyone who I felt would have an influence on WS. He was not angry about the exposure but it did throw him into a grand state of depression.

Due to WS inability to adhere to my emergency EN's, I asked him to pack up and leave our house on Saturday. He left quietly but sent me several texts and Emails over the weekend apologizing for what he has done to our family. This morning I sent him a letter asking for No Contact for a minimum of 1 month and/or until he has given up OW. I am now in Plan B.

I am starting CoDA meetings this weekend, I've read SAA and am now on to HNHN and I am going to spend the next month caring for my LO, myself and discovering what I have done to contribute to this mess.

When you say that she was his boss, does she own the company or does she have superiors. If it it the latter, I would make sure they know, even if WH has quit.

This is not out of vengeance, but to ensure that she is sorry she ever got involved and to give her a good reason to keep sorry behind away from your husband.

She has superiors, it is a very large company. I was going to fully expose to HR what was going on, as most of the affair took place over work IM, however when I exposed to the POSOW BH- I mentioned I was going forward with exposing to HR and he asked that I refrain. They are going through with a divorce because of this but he is moving out of the country for work so she will have custody of his children, therefore he wanted to ensure she kept her job so she could support their children.

I felt so bad for the guy, I figured since WH went ahead and quit that I wouldn't.

Do you think that's a poor choice?

Or keeps her from losing her job and then her income will be nice when they are together.

Have you even read any of the info on here.

Your husband is a liar, because he is wayward. I would not believe anything he said about whether OW is divorcing, anything really.

Waywards lie.

Why would you feel sorry for her?

Oh goodness, I think you misunderstood me- I didn't mean MY WS told me this information, this was information I got from POSOW BS.

ETA: I feel bad for POSOW BH! Not her, or my WS!

You should still expose to the HR department. That company needs to know that she is doing this, with their time, and resources, and opens them up to potential lawsuits.

You should expose to her HR department because it is the right thing to do.

Fair enough. Looks like I have some homework tonight. Will write that letter and submit it in the morning.

Out of curiousity, I do not have any evidence to submit to them short of texts/phone records and emails that were outside of work, however it has been confirmed from WS and POSOW BS from snooping through her work Email that they chatted through IM all day long. Do I just direct them to look through their IM/Email history?

You tell them that you have evidence of the affair, should they wish to see it, and that you are aware of other such evidence that may be found through their own investigations at work.

Make sure you send it to at least THREE people. Write it as suggested.

It's hard, but you are doing the right thing here.

I did misread the post, but the advice is the same.

coldhands, a couple of things:

These aren't 'emergency EN's" - these are REQUIREMENTS FOR YOU TO REMAIN IN THE MARRIAGE. They are not fluid, they are not negotiable. They are REQUIREMENTS. He either gets on board or gets out.

I'll help kick you if you'd like

Is he out of there now? Completely done?

What is an "LO"?

What have you done to close all avenues of contact with your WH? Have you changed your phone number? Do you have an IM? I suspect that your plan is a weak version of Plan B. Have you read about Plan B? Are you serious about implementing it?

Why are you bothering with this, when you already know what the problem is? The problem is that your husband is having an affair. Why are YOU spending money on a counselor for that? I suspect that you wouldn't be seeing a counselor for some dependency issue if your husband wasn't having an affair. Am I wrong?

Coldhands, NC for one month is a not just a 'weak' plan B it is a TERRIBLE idea.

For one thing it is temporary - so it is nothing more than threatening him with a sulk. He cannot possibly be expected to take a one month, temporary NC seriously.

Aside from that, you will spend the entire month in agony. The early weeks of NC with the person you love are like withdrawing from a powerful drug (I have been in a dark, NC plan B since June)

After that, the payoff comes as you begin to heal following the withdrawal period. But this will not happen in a temporary plan.

In short, he wont take you seriously, he will just spend the month with other women, waiting for you to come out, and it will hurt you immensely for no reason at all.

Do the MB plans instead in the proper order and to the proper timescales. Plan A for no longer than three weeks then a dark Plan B.

They are tried and tested!

Hugs. Taking care of yourself is the number one priority

As you have already sent the letter, dont worry about it, just make sure you keep to the carrot and stick of plan A in future.

Carrot:
I am fantastic - just look at me and our lovely home/life and how calm, firm and strong I am.

Stick:
My requirements must be met or you are looking at a very PERMANENT divorce, permanent NC too we will not be friends afterwards.

When you give him your requirements you say 'This is what it will take to keep me interested in the marriage'

As for whether you really do want the marriage, you will be able to see that when the rollercoaster slows a bit. Either his actions will be what you need or Plan B will be what you need.

I have decided to file for divorce. I'd like to join the support boards under divorcing. Do I need to start a new thread or ask for this one to be moved? Thank you.

You can hit the notify button and ask the mods to move it.

What made you decide to file?