So you're resigned to the fact that you are going to let your wife commit adultery for a NINTH time(at least) and that you are going to make this as easy on her as possible to take the money you are earning. WOW. Waywards everywhere are wondering where they sign up for this.

Do you truly love her? By this, I would say that you don't even have the smallest clue what love is. If my husband ever allowed me to romp about with anyone and still take care of me financially, I would assume I meant NOTHING to him. I mean it. NOTHING.

I am not protecting her from the consequences of her affair, nor am I giving her a free pass. I am not making money for a woman who committed adultery, I am protecting my financial interest currently, and have one hand full of hope and the other full of crap. Hoping the marriage will survive and starting to realize that it just may not.

The MB way says nothing about money grab or put your spouse in a bad position only to tie her to me if the marriage fails. She needs to know the door is open, and if she so chooses, she can use it freely.

I do not wish harm to my W for what she did, I am hurt and disappointed to say the least, But, this does not make me want to put her in a bad position over it (I do love her very much). If she looses me and we end up in a divorce over this, then that should be all the "punishment" she needs or deserves. I can assure you, if that is how this turns out, she will have the rest of her life to reflect back on how good she had it, and how she just tossed it all away for a little bit of fun.

If you have been following my thread, you would know by now I do not always take the easy road in life, however, I am a kind person who is not spiteful and do not believe in revenge on those whom I love or care about. I don't feel that way toward my ex-friend. I care about him very much and continue to. He hurt me in a bad way, but to wish him more harm than to lose a friend that would have done anything but give him his wife, well, he got what he deserved IHMO.

As for me working on fixing my marriage; I am tossing in the towel and putting the ball in her court. I expect some changes, and have told her what I want from her. She doesn't understand what you all want her to do, and isn't exactly the most articulate person when it comes to typing out what she is doing to fix our marriage or herself. I explained to her that despite her unwillingness to come here and bash it out with you folks, that it will likely be her saving grace.

I am at a point where I'm not quite sure if I want to continue this marriage- that does not mean I will ever want my wife to fail in the future and will not set her up for that. If we divorce tomorrow, I will always care about her and how she is doing, that my friend is what love is.

it's not revenge to protect yourself.

A man divorcing who does not take care of himself gets seriously [censored] in court if he doesn't TRY to protect himself.

If you loved her, you would let her feel the consequences. Instead, you shield her from all of it, and seem EAGER to be abused.

You can talk circles around this issue as much as you want. But we are going to keep bringing you back to the same thing. We have told you and your WW repeatedly what needs to happen.

You two need to work the same shift so that you can spend mostly all of your nonworking hours together (this is MB advice for someone who has had ONE affair, forget 7+) and she cannot be in a work environment like the one that she is in now, working long hours surrounded by men during the night shift.

After seven plus affairs, this isn't rocket science. It's common sense.

Besides acknowledging that the job needs to change, you refuse to tell us how you plan to make this happen. Or if anything is being done about this now. If not now, when.

Are you now saying that you have put the ball in your WW's court regarding the job? But you just said she doesn't understand what is expected of her? I am wondering if you are purposely try to confuse us...

Oh, and it really doesn't matter if you "aren't sure" you want to save this marriage. You should proceed forward with the MB plan to affair proof your M and work towards recovery. You can always decide to go to Plan D later. But you can't undo another affair.

OK, I wanted to do this on a separate post for those of you who didn't want to read through my (once again) long winded response above.

WE did the polygraph today!!

For those of you questioning as to the validity of this. I do not lie.
W called around today, found a lady who has been doing it for 30 years. She did not have anything booked during the holidays and is going on vacation on Thursday. W said she wanted to do it in the next week or two, the poly told her she could do it tonight. I picked up early from work drove 1 1/2 hours home (bad roads), picked up W, drove 2 1/2 hours to Pittsburgh. Sat down, told the woman the long sorted story that brought us to her. Went over the questions, W took the test, and the results are in. Just got back at 10:30, long day.

Question #1
Have you had sexual relations (explained as intercourse or oral sex) with any other man that your husband does not know about?

PASS

Question #2
Did you and OM have sexual intercourse?

Not clear, showed signs of a lie

Question #3
Did you and OM meet anywhere when husband was not home?

Not clear, showed signs of a lie

Question #4
Have you had any extramarital relationships or affairs with any other man that your husband is not aware of?

Pass

Question #5
Have you intentionally been untruthful or deceptive about any of the affairs with your husband?

Pass

Question #6
Did you do any research in recent history to intentionally deceive or attempt to beat the polygraph?

Pass

Question #7
Prior to July of this year, Have you been faithful to your husband for the past 10 years?

Pass

Question #8

Do you want to continue your marriage with your husband?

Pass

Question #9

Did you perform oral sex or receive oral sex from any other man that your husband is not aware of.

Pass

Question #10
Is there anything you have not told your husband about the affairs that he has asked?

Pass

She gave us 10 questions, I really only came up with like 5 that I cared about. She said your paying for them, and encouraged us to use them. So they mostly came out redundant as you can see.

I am going off memory here, as she actually charges for a written report. We went cheap and accepted the results verbally.

The important thing is she passed the items I cared about.

The polygraph-er did say that the two that were questionable were not a solid fail but show signs of untruth. Based off of the other generalized questions passing, those may be an emotional reaction or she may be putting more thought into them that caused the reaction.

We had a long talk, or I did, on the way down. I told her I am planning on doing a poly every 5 years until the day one of us dies. She didn't agree- at first, I told her that can be another EP and to either plan on it or we might as well get the D. Unfortunately the woman who did the poly said she plans on retiring in 3 years. If this marriage survives I fully intend to do another poly in 5 years, it will be money well spent.

This is not true. The truth is you are enabling her to stay in a bad position. She is in a very bad position by working with all men and working an opposite shift from you. As the man who claims to love her and wants to stay married to her, I would fully expect you to take steps to DEMAND she get into a good position so you do not end up divorced.

So it is not true that you don't want her in a bad position. She is in a bad position and you won't help her out because you want her income.

Susie,

Not just about the job. I am on the- I will see what she does ride right now. I told her some of the things I want her to change, and want to see if she really wants this marriage. To be honest, I have been loosing sleep over a marriage that very well might fail and for once I don't care anymore. I told her this, and said now is the time to step up and make me care again. This wasn't me playing games, this is honestly how I feel right now. I told her if she wants the marriage bad enough she better start proving it because I'm not feeling it right now.

I do agree, it is not an ideal situation with the job. We are talking about it regularly to come up with a solution. We don't have a plan as of yet, nor does she have any idea where she might go. The job market is slim in this area ( mostly industrial), and most decent paying jobs are infested with men.

I cannot trade for a daylight job with lots of unknown men over a night job with men I have known for 7 years. That would make me go crazy, and wouldn't make sense. I feel much more comfortable with her current situation as I do know everyone who works there, and I know how the place operates. There is little opportunity to fool around while at work. In all the years I worked there, I have known about one person who had an affair (outside of work) on his wife and it spread like wildfire. He was talked about, shamed, and lost a lot of respect from those who worked with him. That is the type of people she is working with. They are mostly all married christian men and women. Not that that makes her safe, but it sure makes me feel safer than some other place that have men that I don't know. There is almost no job out there that employ only women.

The only solution we have come up with is that I go to night shift. That would put me in a same shift situation, not ideal but could work. I can find a good paying job much easier in this area. I am tossing around asking for my old job back at the same company, that might be possible, but just a thought.

How about a day job with women? Most offices employ women. Retail stores, etc. The fact that the men know you means nothing. Absolutely nothing. What about applying for a job in the office at her plant? Does the office have women in it?

Have you considered selling the house and getting a less expensive home? Most people want to sell their homes when their spouse has had an affair in it. They feel the home is tainted.

As far as extraordinary precautions go, that is up you to present to her and make sure she follows through. It is not negotiable. Many WS' are proactive enough to develop a list on their own but your wife has not. Since she has not, it falls to you.

Hi Melody,
Do you ever sleep

She is in a bad spot in her working condition, based on the fact that she is currently married. She may be my future ex wife and her working conditions are great for that!

Karmarose, I agree with you on protecting myself in the event of a D. I have been surprised by my WW on the things she has done to me in our marriage, yet I (like an idiot) doubt she would try to take me to the cleaners if we did go plan D.

I am tossing the post nup. idea around, I like the idea of getting HER words in writing. As she has said "I wouldn't want anything if we end up in a D because I did this to us". I think it would protect me in more than one ways and perhaps be a little bit of a deterrent in the future.

Good idea! And that would put you closer to home. That would be almost IDEAL if you worked there too and could keep an eye on her.

Wayward women get vicious in divorce.

Unrepentant WWs who are divorcing are some of the most vicious, bloodthirsty creatures you will ever meet. They're like hyenas.

They take a LOT from you and they will gorge themselves until they're satisfied.

You are giving her way too much credit.

I fully agree with karmasrose that you are giving your wife too much credit.

You admit yourself:


People here have already understood that your WW doesn't understand what she needs to do to make things right for you. You will fail miserably when you let your WW run your things with her CURRENT KNOWLEDGE about marriage.

But. She CAN read, right? How about reading Dr Harley's plan about restoring the marriage - the materials are here for free. How about buying yourself the books "Surviving an Affair", "His needs, her needs", "Lovebusters", 2 copies each and reading them chapter after chapter and MAKING reading and practising the MB plan as a requirement to her for your life together. How about starting with his plan STEP BY STEP in real life? How about that? IF you fail to do it, then start with online program here.

By "putting the ball in your wife's court" will not help your state of limbo not one bit, because she is clueless what to do by herself. Luckily, you are on the MB site, use the tools and stop this. This is your last chance, you know it.

I cannot help but think that it will be necessary for him to "keep an eye on her" for the rest of their married life.
That's because it is not an issue of poor boundaries but an issue of poor "character".

It wouldn't matter how much she is "watched"..her lack of character will lead her to do it over and over.

I would not be surprised if the number of affairs was higher...the number that he has is just the ones that he KNOWS about.

JMHO
committed

Did everyone miss my post on the last page about the polygraph, and the results.

We did the poly last night, she passed, no more affairs, no other men. I was a bit excited about it and have not seen on comment.

Senn,

I saw it and am glad. Did she pass the poly or did she fail those questions? I think the shaky ones are areas to explore for you guys.

CV

I noticed she did not pass the part about intercourse in the house which did not surprise me. What baffles me is why they told that lie. Oh well...

Did you miss the part some passed, some so so?

Yep, I had a bit of an issue with those qustions, talked a lot about them on the way home. I am under the impression she isn't lying about them, based on what the polygrapher said about them. She said they were not (cant repeat exactly what she said) solid fails but were questionable or undetermined, and based off the catch all questions were likely questions that triggered a response possibly off of the fact that they did have oral sex, and were sneaking around during the affair.

I see it as an overall pass, as the extra details about this affair aren't as much of a concern with me than the- has she had other affairs I am not aware of. That would have been a deal breaker IMO, I am relieved to say the least.

I had a talk with her this AM about agreeing to a poly in 5 years, and I am insisting on a post nup. I can not figure her out, she sure seemed to be upset with the idea of either of those, which has me a bit concerned! She should be jumping at the idea of proving to me how much she wants this marriage, not waivering at the idea of a poly in 5 years. I told her they will go hand in hand, I want the poly agreement in the post nup document, and refusal completing the poly will result in D.

This to me is another EP to add to the list.

I see her resistance as highly troubling. To me it signifies a desire to keep her options open should another OM come along.

CV

Celtic, That is exactly what my concern is. The only thing that I can imagine is she is has not committed 100% into being honest and faithfull. I told her this is something she must agree to to continue this marriage, and I am not going to budge.

I apoligize for my spelling, my work computer the spell check isn't working correctly on this sight and I am not the best at spelling. Probably all the spy software they have set up on here :0