I think it's okay if you're just friends, kids can learn you can have friends of both sexes. But that doesn't generally work if they're hoping for something more and you can't know that unless they're authentic and honest.

I agree that kids can learn about friends of both sexes. I just didn't want to confuse them right now. Ex remarried 1.5 weeks after our divorce was final. Oldest (11) struggled with her emotions for a long time. I don't want to add to her stress at this point. And Lawd knows I don't really know what I want anyway so ... lol

Do y'all really think men and women can be just friends?? I think it's very, very rare. For instance, I can be friends with a man who is much younger or much older because I see them as a father figure or as a pseudo son. Other than that, I think it's not really possible.

Right now, I would say that I have some male friends, but I am open to it only because I'm single and they are either divorced or so far into the divorce process that there seems to be no hope of reconciliation. Even so, I'm pretty careful around the ones who are still married--no private conversations or anything like that. If I were married, these friendships would end.

I think that lots of men and women think they can be just friends with someone who is not very attractive because THEY aren't attracted to that person. That attitude discounts the feelings of the less attractive person who wants something more from the friendship. My experience has been that when a man and a woman say they are friends, one of them would like something more.

Prissanna, since your ex remarried so quickly after the divorce, I think that you need to avoid bringing other men around your kids unless you're pretty sure that it would lead to something permanent.

Kirby, I'm surprised to hear you say this after being on MB for so long. So far into the divorce process that there seems to be no hope of reconciliation? Things can change on a dime. My divorce was days away from finalization when I dismissed it completely, even though I had been through so much trauma leading right up to that day. A person who is still not yet divorced, is still not yet divorced. Even if the divorce finalizes, there is still a period of adjustment. Being almost divorced is still married. Why put yourself into the equation of another person's marriage? Until that person is divorced, they are not available. Really.

Please rethink this.

When I say friends, I mean that I have conversations in a group setting. At DivorceCare. I speak when I see these men at church in the Singles Sunday School class. That's as far as it goes. There is no private intimate communication. I feel friendship/empathy towards them because of what they are going through with their WWs. If they are able to restore their marriages, I will be happy for them. I am not putting myself in the middle of anyone's marriage.

When I was married I was very careful to avoid friendships with other men. Now that I am single, I am very careful about how I relate to married men.

Editing to add this: In the interests of being totally open and honest, I did privately tell a married man that I was praying for him when he was in mediation for his divorce.

Is there no way to send PM's here? I wanted to PM you Kirby. Your wisdom just speaks to me.

ETA: I had thought about asking a guy friend to go to the movies or something. He had mentioned to me that he wanted a girl friend to do these things with around here (he's dating someone several hours away) but I'm afraid that I might fall for him or something. I don't need any more complications. I think I'm in a NEEDY stage right now and I need to get out of that and find myself.

Prissanna, PMs are disabled. I think there's some way to notify the moderators if you want to contact someone off the boards, but I'm not quite sure how it works.

Right now, you need to find a FEMALE friend to go to the movies or something. Yes, you are feeling needy. And you really don't want to get involved with some dude who wants to have a long-distance relationship AND a local girlfriend. If he mentions that to you again, tell him that he shouldn't cheat and if he's lonely he should get together with the guys.

He did say that him and his 'friend' were OK with dating other ppl. I suppose I would feel safe with him and I apparently need some male interaction. I went out with a girlfriend last night just to get out of the house. I had fun but she's married and our conversation migrated to relationships and junk like that.

I think I need some closure on this. I do appreciate your taking the time to chat with me. I feel like an idiot most of the time.

I didn't say you were putting yourself in the "middle" of someone's marriage, but in the equation. But thanks for clarifying, I really don't believe you are that kind of person. I just know how I felt when single women friends were supporting my husband, but then again HE was the wayward. I guess I was projecting a bit. Hope I didn't offend you.

Not at all. I don't ever want to be a factor in someone else's marriage, so it's good for me to think these things through.

I said I thought a man and woman could just be friends, I NEVER said it was okay to put yourself into the middle of anyone's marriage!! I've been cheated on, I know how it feels, I've never come between anyone in my life and would never advocate that and I of all people know how setting the stage can lead to something, my XH certainly did that to me.

Be that said, I have several male friends. I'm not interested in dating and I've made that clear.

If you have little children that you think might get confused by having male friends, then use your best judgment in their best interest. I've just found that sometimes it helps to have a man that can work on your lawnmower and you can fix him dinner. If you all think there's something wrong with that, then by all means, live how you deem best.

Just had to add to this conversation that the above is exactly what the OW said to my H at the beginning of their friendship. She would NEVER become the OW, not after what her WH did to her! Except that she first became friends with my H while deployed, which led to meeting ENs, which led to adultery, which led to heartbreak.

Just a warning. It's best to steer completely clear of male friendships with the married. Safer...for all involved.

Just curious, WHY, if I say, you can have male friends, would ANYONE assume they are MARRIED?! If I said I had a date, would anyone here jump to the conclusion they're married? I don't get that.

I am single, my male friends are single, I'm not interested in dating, anyone who has read my posts on here the last few years KNOWS I would never interject myself into someone else's marriage, good grief! PLEASE don't jump to wrong assumptions here, it's offensive!

Sorry, no offense intended at all. I don't know you. The words you said simply reminded me of the OW's words to my H and how their will power or conviction didn't work out too well for the three of us.

I certainly wish she had stuck to single male friends, as you are. For that matter, I wish my H had stuck to male friends, too.

I thought I'd come back and put something on my after divorce thread, but not much of anything is happening. I've made the intellectual decision to wait until my divorce has been final for a year before I start dating. But, I'm getting impatient about it.

Oh the plus side, I've lost enough weight that none of my clothes fit unless I bought them within the last couple of months. It's past time to de-clutter the closet.

It is probably because you have the marriage builders information and will not settle for anything less. I have been divorced for almost 3 years and haven't dated yet but ready to test the waters.

Yay for your clothes not fitting! So proud of you!

You don't have much longer to wait to date. Keep your head up girl. You have helped me so much. I want to read GREAT things about you when you start dating. :-)

Thanks, priss!

Good job on loosing the weight!
As for de-cluttering, I just did that with my closet. A good book (hopefully the mods won't erase this) is Declutter )our Life in a Week!

Cleaning out the clothes closet is the first item!
And a haircut....for men and women is absolutely essential!

Kirby,

My wife and I share the email listed below in my signature line. When and if you get the chance...can you email us?

Mr. Wondering