RL, did you ever consider doing a telephone coaching session with Steve Harvey or having your STBXH, talk to him? It was suggested to me and I was just curious if it was ever suggested to you.

I hope everything works out with your youngest. No matter what happens, keep your faith and hope alive!

I got a call from my STBXH on Tuesday that he found a place to do the DNA test and had appointment for Wednesday at lunchtime and want to make sure i was available. He met me there on his lunch break with my youngest and we went and did the test they told us they would get us the results in two weeks at the latest we were both fine with that. It was awkward in the waiting room he barely said anything to me and mostly focused on our daughter i did the same one trying to make conversation that he shut it down pretty quick he did not seem like he was in a good mood.

After the testing i offered to treat him and the Princess to some lunch he declined (Seemed like he couldn't wait to leave )but said i could take our youngest with me if i wanted to and drop her off at the babysitter's afterwards. So I went out and had lunch with my youngest and ended up breaking down crying in the middle of the restaurant. I don't know what came over me i just felt This "weight of sadness" is the only way i know how to describe it one woman even came over and gave me some tissue and asked if i was okay. When i came home i just spent the whole day crying and thinking about everything i lost. Then i remembered what i read here and how i want to change so today i got up and went around the house and cleaned everything until it was spotless (couldn't help but think the whole time God I need to start work) i then went to the gym for three hours and worked every muscle till it was sore then came home and poured a glass of wine and relaxed with my laptop. I was very proud of myself normally i would just Get caught up in everything that's gone wrong and just sink into a pit of despair and sadness but not today today i took action. I have to keep telling myself that i can't let my feelings dictate my actions i have to do the opposite and that way when i do positive actions my feelings will improve and i will eventually be able to move past this with or without my STBXH.

fifteenyears: I thought about calling the Harleys but given the price and the fact that my husband has already filed for divorce and moved out of the house i don't think it would do much good. Plus my husband has indicated that he is not open to MC of any kind.

The harleys have been no to give great suggestions to get a posters spouse to do a phone session. At the least they can help you devise a plan to get through this. I hope this test works out.

Good for you! Feelings follow actions. Good for you for remembering and applying the counsel you received here.

Been doing pretty good these past few days. I have been controlling my emotions a lot better lately and have only broken down crying twice in the past three days . I went to see my counselor yesterday and among other things she told me that i need to start living my life under the assumption that my husband will never come back. I told her about the marriage builders website and the philosophy it espouses and while she had nothing bad to say about the site she did say that my visiting and posting shows I'm still not ready to move on. So i wanted to ask the question do you think that posting here and following the marriage builds principles is bad for my personal recovery if you're husband is already moved on and filed for divorce and furthermore do you think it's a good idea that i move forward under the assumption that i will not recover my marriage?? Thanks in advance for taking the time to answer my questions.

Can anyone help me.

I'm here, may not be your best help at this hour, but I can answer your questions. MB can help you with personal recovery, whether your marriage makes it or not, and you should work toward your goal, whether you succeed or not.

ICs focus on individuals, not families or couples, and they often stink at their jobs, so keep that in mind.

Take care of yourself.

Read your thread tonight. Hoping for good results in the DNA test. Although your BH has been a great Dad to your DDs and of course he would be a great Dad to an OC also.

Wondered if part of his issue is with losing his best friend over this, or that betrayal might also have hurt him deeply..Two best friends betrayal, has to be hard.

I second CWMIs opinion on ICs, they don't ussually care about other relationships being the most important, they want to be the answer instead many times.

All you can expect is fair treatment and the chance to prove you are the best choice for your H to stay married to.

This has been a blow to him, and now you have the job of making him know that you regret it and how important he is to you. The center and Dr H are his best form of being able to deal with this emotionally.

I suggest he gets counseling whether you stay married or not, because this will not go away by itself, and I suggest it is from Dr H, even if you remain anyonomous, so He can think and feel clearly.

He has the get out of marriage free card now, but if my guess is right, and I don't want to give you false hope, he will not leave two sweet girls behind without much pain.

Good luck and God Bless in your tests

I believe MB principles are great for anyone trying to become a better person. Who wants to be friends with someone who makes selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts?

Learning the POJA is great for anyone with friends. It could even be introduced to children, although parents retain the last say. The POJA is often used in workplace settings.

The section in His Needs Her Needs that covers conversations is helpful for either gender and in any relationship.

Lovebusters teaches how a person can overcome Angry Outbursts, among many other downfalls in a relationship.

If I was single and even not dating, I would continue listening to MB and learning about emotional needs and lovebusters, as well as relationships (Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.)

I think it's terrific you are still here and wanting to learn.

I advise to keep learning and growing here. Even if you don't ultimately R your M, the route you take in the attempt is the quickest path to healing for yourself, as well.

Great news my STBXH got the test results back on a Friday and my daughter is biologically his and i couldn't be more ecstatic. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!! to everyone who encouraged me to question the paternity test if it wasn't for you both my husband and i would've gone our entire lives thinking that my daughter wasn't really his. It makes me sick to think if we hadn't gotten the test redone the conversation we might've had with our daughter. I can't help but think how smart it was of my husband to not want to tell anyone at least not until later his decision saved us a lot of anguish and I'm grateful to him.

The day my STBXH told me he came over and sat me down and got straight to the point after he told me i broke down crying for about 15 min afterwards we talked for a bit about what this means. He said that this does not change anything and that he still wants to move ahead with the divorce and that he just can't picture life with me. I told him that i understand why he does not want to return and that what i did to him is unforgivable and that he has a right to move on with his life but that i would wait for him. I went on to say that i understand that he needs to figure things out on his own and that he's not abandoning me or his family he's just trying to look out for himself for a change.

After talking for a couple of hours about our whole relationship we came to an agreement that we will try to be friends. But that does not mean it will ever be anything more than that. I told him i could respect that but that i will never stop hoping for a chance to make it up to him. He was understanding sweet but firm his usual charming self. We spoke about the divorce and the final decree would be on Thursday and he offered to pick me up and we would go to the courthouse together. We spent the rest of the night just catching up and talking about the kids it was actually the most fun I've had in a long time we were joking and getting along like old times i didn't realize until after he left how much i missed that.

Once again i just want to say thank you to everyone here who encouraged me to ask him to redo the tests. If it wasn't for you i don't know how my life would've turned out. Words cannot express my gratitude i really don't know what to say.

I am so happy for you and the results of the test. No matter what happens with you and your husband continue learning and being the best person you can be for yourself and your children. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers no matter what twists or turns lay ahead for you. I wish you the best RL!

Fifteen

I'm glad you got the re test done because the way the story was relayed to us that there had to be something wrong with the first test.

What fabulous news, RL!!!

I meant to congratulate you on this joyful news earlier. But, I got busy taking care of myself & forgot until just now.

How are you doing?

Do not ever repeat this to him.
First off, it may not be true.
Secondly, that's not for you to decide.
Slap your hand for me, OK?


For future reference, change this up just a little.
Also, stop using this "You have the right to move on" stuff. Instead, this can be expressed something like ... "I understand you have the responsibility to protect yourself".


Just pointing out to you ....
CONVERSATION = an intimate emotional need !
Well done you!



I am not being critical of you here. Just trying to assist you in 'tweaking' these conversations so they are more advantageous for you.

"I will keep hope alive for both of us."
Neutral, not pushy.
Up beat.


Let us know what happened so we can support you.
OK?



He missed it too.
Major kudos!
Good for you!

On *** THIS THREAD *** in the "Divorcing" forum .....

I linked some stuff about Hopeful_Person's story.
I'm too lazy to re-link to you.
So, go to that 'divorcing' thread, scroll down to click on the links I gave her.

Tell me what you think. OK?

Pepper,

Thanks for sharing those links. I know they were for RL but I read them as well and they gave me a lot of hope!

Once you're reading Hopeful_Person's posts, you can click on her name, then click on "posts" to read everything she posted. Her MB journey was not easy, but it was simple.
Be gentle.
Not pushy.
Show interest without expectations.
Understand how empathy can work in your favor.

Not everyone has the PERSEVERANCE to stick it out for 15 months.
But, you never know what you can accomplish until you do it.
If the effort does not lead to eventual reconciliation of the marriage, you're a better woman for your efforts.

The end of the D process does not necessarily equal the end of all hope. Sometimes it's the beginning.

I am happy for you, that your DD belongs to both of you, and for the progress you're making.