Even if there are other people around, still keep that VAR.

It might sound paranoid to you, but there have been entirely too many BHs who are forced into defending themselves from allegations because of a crafty WW.

Ok I will do that.

I dodged a bullet with the command. They understand what I am going through and gave me a warning. They said any further violations will not be handled lightly.

Good for you--it's about time you got a break.

Your phone may have a Voice recorder on it, mine does and the sound quality is excellent.

My phone does have a VR...iPhone. Love it!

You are so right Karmasrose!

GJM, we all here will agree that if you so choose, you should D. None of us are going to argue that.

How about getting into Plan B on Monday? Do you have an IM? Could you get into Plan B by then? You could still do Plan D, but this way, you won't need to deal with her any longer, and by the time the D happens, you will get a jump start on that personal recovery.

I am a true advocate for Plan B, it has helped me more than I can ever explain.

I have an appointment on Wednesday to have the MSA typed up. If she doesn't back out again, I'll have her signature and will feel better about things. Not much better, but I can move forward a little. I feel like I am walking backward. Some days are ok and others are horrible. I was feeling good for a while, but I'm back to feeling down again.

GJM from this day forward it will take you at least two years to recover from the loss of a 13 year marriage.

Take it one day at a time ... grieve when you need to grieve.

You will come out of this stronger ... it will take time.

I still go backwards, and I still move forwards, and some days I stand still.

It is a long process so be gentle on yourself.

Thanks. I want to let go, but I can't for some reason. I know it's because of my kids and my belief in marriage. More than anything I just want the pain to be less so I can find happiness again within myself.

GJM - I believe your marriage is still able to recover. If you are willing to Plan A your butt off, then you have her.

She made a weekend with you because she is crying out for you to conquer her, to chase her, to defeat all the other losers.

Granted this is a challenge in itself. She effing cheated on you, and you have to chase her? What is happening in this world????

That is reality, and that is your reality. If you want to save your marriage, then you will fight like He!! to kick all OM's a$$es.

Read Mortarman's threads - all of his threads. They span from 2002 until December 2006. He fought for his selfish, entitled, no good, lousy Wayward wife for FOUR YEARS!!!!

He won the battle. He kicked Evil's a$$, and won his marriage. They had a baby (their #4) in 2009. He was a soldier in Bosnia in 2002 when his wife got entrenched with her OM.

He beat the devil hands down with nothing but soldier tactics and war like mentality. If you want your marriage and your old wife back, that is how hard you will have to fight.

There will be less work with divorce ... and I will be 100% supportive if you want to take that route. If you want to give this marriage and this wife of yours all you have then it is time for battle.

Battle starts with a SPECTACULAR PLAN A. This Plan A cannot have any LOVEBUSTERS, absolutely none. You will have to use this thread and your punching bag if you need to let off steam.

Your wife will throw everything evil, spiteful, hurtful, and cruel at you. She is the enemy and she will try to slaughter you until you give up. This is when you prepare yourself while in your bunker. You hit the gym, you get your six-pack abs, and you smell better than them all.

You become super dad, super worker, and super husband.

If you want this marriage, then this is your battle plan. This is what you were made to fight. You are a soldier, who can defeat all enemies foreign and domestic. The greatest enemy you will fight today is "SIN". Are you prepared for the battle?

You let go when you are ready to let go. I held on for 26 years but when I was done I was done. I do have to tell you that I regret holding on that long.

There is a an entire world out there that doesn't involve cheating and lying and manipulation. It is difficult to see fully what is on the other side until you have completely shut the door behind you.

Once you are done you might not need 2 years to recover either. Some people do a lot of processing and grieving while the divorce is going down. You should check out the divorce/divorcing forum here to see how people do move on and find happiness.

Hello GJM,

I haven't posted to you here before, and of course you don't know me from Adam, but in last week or so I have looked at your posts. Right off I want to extend my thanks as an ordinary citizen to you and the tens of thousands of your military brothers and sisters in your service to OUR country. I don't have much to offer to you from standpoint of actual experience except, and as people have advised, do not let yourself get too discouraged about what she says at this time. She may not reallly mean what she says. You have to protect yourself, yes. But, as an old codger (am 69) to a young codger, if I were in your shoes I'd take her up on that date night and just try to see if anything is there. No affair or relationship stuff or talk, just relaxed with no anticipation and enjoy an evening out! You can always go to your Plan B when you feel exhausted and ready, but what are a few more days and another effort.

Aside from that, do you have a few pleasant and challenging diversions that can mitigate your immediate feelings? Like: jogging 32 miles, writing a novel in a couple of days, or planting a magnolia tree this coming week? I know I'm being facetious with you...*s* Seriously tho diversions can be a healthy break from the stress. In my case, the NFL playoffs this weekend and attemptiong to make a challenging wiinter soup. Yea, guys my age love to cook....

I wish you the best,

Tom

That's one of the things PB helps with. A part of PB is that it helps change a Buyer into a Renter in the marriage. It allows the BS to see the possibility of moving on without the WS.

I`d say as soon as you can get into PB, you should. It really does help.

Wow....four years worth of fighting. Must have taken a tole on Mortarman.

Thanks Tom. I appreciate that

What circumstances would Plan B be broken?

Plan B would be broken if

1. Your spouse communicates to your intermediary that they are willing to be monogamous with you and to do what is required of that.

2. You have divorced and decided to start a relationship with another woman and could not care less about rebuilding with your WW and are feeling no emotional fall out from any interaction with them.

3. You want to be put back into the drama because you don't like not having contact with the wayward and figure 'what the heck, I'll put up with the triggers and yucky stuff that comes with it. I am done with the plans and protecting myself isn't worth sticking to due to the rigidity of it.'

Plan B is to remove yourself from all adultery drama. For however long you need to be removed from it.

It could be the rest of your life and you have to accept that possibility if you implement it.

It is awful once you implement it since you don't want to be having to do it and you love your WW. You will be grief stricken. Have sorrow untold. The longer you are in it, the less you will feel like breaking it though. You build yourself back up and learn about boundaries in a really valuable way.

Dr. H did recommend you do Plan A for two years though since you are a man. If you do not focus on what your wife is doing, you may be able to do it.
If you continue in plan A, stop reading her emails and all the skanky stuff she may be up to for now.
Keep that for if she ever approaches you to reconcile in the two years. Then check on her.
One thing about plan B....you stop keeping track of the wayward's activities for your own sanity.
If you Plan A......do not do it anymore for now. You know its slimy. Assume it is and have no expectations that it isn't. Remove that aspect of the situation from triggering you.

You have to admit that you are feeling little desire to rebuild with her right now due to the knowledge of her emails, etc. That is plowing down her account in your love bank.

You could still legally separate from her in California which is like a divorce in finances and child issues. You could even still follow through with the D as you plan A or B.

The wonderful thing about marriage builders is that there is a set of plans that work for you and you can still protect yourself financially, emotionally, and etc.