Trying to do list now and struggling with it. Does anyone have a link to a decent MB requirements list?

This is what I have so far that he will have do adhere to in order to commit to our marriage.

-Scheduled UA time 20 hours per week minimum

- meeting each others ENs this also involves reading HNHN together

-him seeking help for his depression, meds and if needed counselling

-Going to MC

- Openess and honesty

- agreeing to POJA

- adhering to the agreed boundaries

- Agreeing to common RC

- Sheduling time away alone. Initially one weekend then scheduling regular date nights.


Anything else please ?

NB28, I think your list is SUPERB and I applaud you for really thinking this through. I especially like the fact that you are focusing on his depression. It is almost impossible to fill someone's lovebank while they are depressed. You are WISE to put that on your list.

As far as finding a MB counselor, i would order the book Effective Marriage Counseling and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and give it to your counselor. Tell him/her that you need guidance in followng THAT program. Before you give away the workbook, tear out the UA worksheet in the back and make several copies for yourself.

You are on the right track, hun!

ML I have been waiting for you to show up thank God you are here.

I was concerned that concentrating on his depression would be frowned on glad I am on the right track.

He is at work now and when he comes back he will review the list and tell me if he will commit to the marriage.

There is a dilemma that I think I need to share here.

I told H today that if he wanted to separate I need to be the one to leave the family home. I am not able to cope with plan B while having 4 kids running around and all the depression issues.

I contacted my uncle and he is willing to support me and provide housing for me should I have to go ahead with plan B. I would see the kids at weekend and it gives me time to sort out my depression properly.

Despite his flaws h is a good dad and the better parent to our kids so it would be for their best interest to stay with him in the marital home whil ei live with my uncle and get professional help.

I told H my plan and he understands and agrees to it however I think it was a big hit to his fantasy world where he thought he would walk away into the sunset have a great life with no responsibility and I would take care of kids etc.

I genuinely did not decide this in order to play games with him and make him stay. I would not feel safe being the only one responsible for our kids if I have to go to plan b I need the space to heal and moving out is more effective for me.

Quick update

He agreed to ALL of my requirements. He tried to negotiate at the start and set a time limit, initially 6.weeks then 6 months then 1 year ( as in he will commit to work on the marriage for 6 weeks then go etc).

I didn't agree to any of these conditions primarily because its not something I want a time limit on and secondly it showed he is not really committing to the marriage he is once again got one foot out the door.

He took more time out and after several emotional outburst on his part ( a rare sight considering he does not consider himself to be emotional) he agreed to meet my requirements with no dedline.

Work starts tomorrow. I am exhausted from the past two days and just needed some serious sleep over the past couple of days.

Tomorrow we will be scheduling the UA time for next week.

Hope I have done the right thing

Sounds great, NB28! And I like that you wouldnt agree to a time limit. There should be no time limit, rather there should be a committment for life to make each other happy.

Yeah ML it's not about being scared of a time limit, at the end of the day should

he work hard at it with me we should start feeling the MB benefits within 6 months ( (taking into consideration the time meds take to work too) so

technically I could have agreed to a one year time limit but I am raising the bar

right now and I wanted him to commit for life not just for the next year.

The proof will be if he does book his dr appointment himself to tomorrow, I can book it for him but he needs to have a chance to help himself first.

Good progress so far, h booked his Dr appointment to get meds, spent UA time readin HNHN learned about the different ways intimate conversation is broken down and found that helpful. The. Played a game of cards for the rest of the time.

I'm feeling better he seams to be feeling better. We did schedule the rest of the weeks UA time so far have done all the things I need to do.

Will not book MC until I can find a good one I can trus to follow my guidelines.

H reading with kids while Im catching up on MB.

Booked Mc with local therapist. Would really appreciate any insight into her services based on the description of her services that is available online.

I did phone up and ask questions and although she has not heard of Dr H she is open to working within the MB concepts

I did remove any of her identifying comments due to wanting an opinion on her therapy approach rather than advertise her etc.

Here is her write up.

As a counsellor/psychotherapist I am present for my clients to help them work through their issues at a pace appropriate for them.� I support clients to explore their issues so that they can find a way of coming to terms with them and develop different ways of responding/relating. I work with clients both short-term and long-term, depending on the individual needs.�

"I have experience of supporting clients through a wide variety of issues including:

bereavement/loss; relationship difficulties; anxiety; depression; low self worth/esteem;
abuse: sexual, physical, mental, and/or emotional; work-related difficulties;
trauma; personal development; eating disorders/problems;� compulsive behaviours

I believe that each of us has a desire to grow, however, when we become stuck or can�t see a way through, then therapeutic support through can be beneficial.� Often we don�t realise how early influences have affected how we have learnt to be/respond in the world.� Understanding our behaviours gives us more choice to find ways of being in the world that are more beneficial.� My hope is that with my support in a confidential environment my clients will discover their way forward.

Couples - Working with couples is of particular interest to me.� In my experience couples develop patterns of relating that become habitual, which can result in communication difficulties.� With a independent facilitator couples learn about these patterns and find better ways of communicating.� Couples tend to hear what they expect to hear from their partner rather than listening to what has been said.� I invite each person to pay careful attention to what the other is saying and to check out� their assumptions.� Whilst I will see couples for 50 min sessions, I find it more helpful to have slightly longer appointments of 75 mins to allow ample time for both parties.

I adhere to the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy Code of Ethics & Practice, and in accordance receive professional supervision."

Any feedback comments would be appreciated. I want to do this right

Thanks NB28

NB, I've got a mild concern at the phrase "helping my clients learn to come to terms with issues."

When you have an irretrievable loss, like the death of a child, then this is appropriate. When you have a loss that can be retrieved, like a marriage, then I think the appropriate therapeutic direction is to motivate clients to follow a plan that will recover what they are missing.

markos this person is a psychotherapist as well as counsellor, she provides MC as well as a list of other therapies so I'm wondering if this comment was aimed at her other therapies rather than specifically MC.

Our first appointment is on Thursday the 19th so will be able to see within the first session if she is any good at providing MC the way we need it.

I called around 4-5 MC and none came even close to this lady's qualifications and experience so she's the best I can find right now but if the appointment is a let down then I will look further a field.

Really confused,

Just over a week ago H wanted to leave now he is seriously loved up, I am just in shock

We have been doing all the things he agreed to do from my requirements list. UA time, meeting ENs, cancelling the business trip, Openess and honesty, reading HNHN, MC booked for Thursday putting together an RC list. POJA ing. You name it we are doing it.

So why am I either sabotaging the progress or just simply failing at reacting to all these good changes?

h tells me he loves me at least 40 times a day, he is cuddly, loving, caring, considerate, helpful, complimentary and being amazing but i can't seam to be happy with that, I have a massive urge to run a mile.

Is it because we have been through so many false recoveries? Is it because Im scared of a good M as I have gotten used to only being in a bad M?

My friends think that my husband has lost his mind as they have never seen him so loving and clingy. Of I leave the house he is texting me he loves me and misses me, if I don't instantly reply I get accused of not loving him. He is showing a very insecure side that I have never seen before ( I really dont mind reassuring him I'm just struggling with the changes).

Even now as I am typing this he is asleep next to me and sleeptalking about how he wants to make the marriage work ( yes he is even dreaming about making our M work). I think that my nagging and pestering him to work on the marriage for the past 3 years has broken his mind and now he talks about it even when he is asleep.

I am not seriously complaining about how loving my H has become I am just confused and as nice as this has been sometimes I would like to know if it's real or just a phase.

Did he finally realise he was going to lose me if he didn't get on board with recovery. I haven't got a clue so please someone give me a clue as to what happened to my H.

I know the MB program is good but there is no way it is this good that turned my H from WH to DH in the space of a week.

Had MC today.

I am really gutted that I live in the UK as the counselling here really really sucks.

The MC thinks we have a good marriage and wanted to ignore the fact that my H had an A and wanted to basically just discuss what is going on now and thinks that our marriage is healthy.

What part of 1 PA on his part and 3 EAs on his part and one EA on my part sound healthy to anyone??.

She reccomended 15 mins UA time a day ( kinda shocked her when I said we actually commit to 15 hours per week) .

She is the BEST qualified MC in our area.

Message for Dr Harley

Please train up some councellors in the UK for us brits!!!! We need you over here too!


Any suggestions on what I can do next to find a decent MC in the UK?

Just wanted to announce

WE ARE FINALLY IN REAL RECOVERY YAY!!!

it's been a couple of months now and I have finally reached the stage where I trust we are in a real full MB recovery.

H has been amazing, loving meeting my ENs, patient and just like the H I married and finally recognise.

After 3 years and countless false recoveres I feel like I can finally say this time it's real.

The 20 hours UA time have been great, a bit strange at the start but now they are great and really relaxed. Scheduling the 20 hours is the trick in our case, if the time it's scheduled we are sticking to it.

H has been so incredibly loving I was scared at the start because it was almost too good to be true but now his actions are matching his words and it feels real and it's amazing.

H is no longer depressed, he's more interactive with the children and has been adhering to th boundaries perfectly.

I know this is a shock to may of you that have known my stich but I have NO complaints. All is as it should be.

Thanks MB and MBers