It's 6 months for a man ton planA, planB is two years.

Thing is a BH can be in planB forever if WW never makes a move to file or get married again. Doc put the limit at two years because experience has shown that the odds are low at that point the m will recover.

Always thought 2 years for Plan A was completely unfair for a man...good to know I was wrong about which plan it applied to.

I know that the general idea is a man can hold out 6 months with plan A before plan B, but he also has mentioned on the radio show that a man should attempt to keep going in plan A if he can stand it for two years.
I think GJM asked for clarification on this and Dr. H said he should attempt to woo her with no lovebusters...etc as a plan A?
If a man can not continue with plan A, plan B is better than lovebusting. Isn't that the latest approach he expresses on the radio show?

If he can continue. But it seems GJM is starting to get detatched and is getting angry and if continues may start to hate her. The idea behind plan B is just that--so he won't hate her.

Dr H told me to plan A for as long as I can, but Plan A and Plan B together should not exceed two years. At that point the M would be considered too far gone too save. Mortarman though proves that wrong. Of course he's an exception to the rule.

We played miniature golf today. Took about an hour. Then we went and got coffee and talked for about two hours. No relationship talk. She was going to take the boys to the movies and asked me if I wanted to go. I gladly went. All in all, we spent about 7 hours together today. It started out weird and I find it hard to make conversation because of her dishonesty. I try to make small talk, but her comments are short. I'll ask "how was your morning?". She will say "Good." I'll ask, "Were you busy at work today?". She will say "Yep". There's no elaboration and if I ask more questions it's like I'm investigating. I talk about me and sound full of myself or it's quiet. Either way I feel like it goes no where.

GJM - this is very good. She is wayward. Wayward wives aren't repentant in the beginning. She doesn't trust you because you are an enemy to her selfish desires at the moment. She wants to keep up her selfishness at your expense. This is why you will have Plan B on the horizon. You are doing excellent in Plan A.

Your marriage has a very good chance at being saved. The goal is to get her to move back into your home. I know that sounds counter-intuitive because she is so wayward, but that will help you save your marriage. Show her how much fun she is missing with the kids, show her how great of a husband she is abandoning, show her why you and your kids are her best option.

If you can down the road get her to move back into the home, then you will have a chance to really connect with her. She will have no options to communicate with men, and you can snoop even further. Plus once she is home, it will be difficult for her to leave the three kids again.

Keep up the EXCELLENT Plan A. Keep up the snooping if you can. I would try and get her to be part of your family as much as possible. She is watching your every move and wanting you to rescue her from her mess of a life she has right now.

Are your kids in extra activities after school and on weekends? If yes, then make sure you attend them all as a family. If not, it might help to get them into some things so she can come there in her free time.

When it comes to talk - bring out your goofy side. Hang upside down on the monkey bars with your kids, or invite her over to make homemade playdough, or have a running monopoly night. Show her how fun you are and how great of a dad you are to the kids.

When you have a blank moment for talk, discuss the kids at length (how goofy they are, things in their school, doctor appointments, schoolwork, friends, etc.)


God Bless!

Bad advice to let WW move back home without giving up OM. That just sends the signal I want you so bad and I am so weak I'll be your door mat.

Also being WW left the home this BH has the legal/court advantage to keep the home, custody of kids, no CS, maybe even get CS paid by the WW to him.

Right he's showing WW he's changing, she's missing her kids, all contribute to get her to wake up and see what she is losing.

Moving back home BH only loses and WW gains while still banging the OM.

Dr. Harley's advice for Wayward wives is to Plan A them for six months in an Active Affair.

If she moves home he has the best chance to save his marriage, even though she is wayward.

If GJM is 100% done and no longer fighting for his marriage, then having her move home is not in his best interests.

From last I know the OM is likely out of the picture due to the military.

Getting her under the roof of his home will help him save his marriage. Having her independent and out catting around will guarantee a divorce because she will find OM#2 because GJM cannot meet her most important emotional needs.

WW should not come home until she agrees to commit honestly to recovery with G. She's already lost OM. Her main motivation to be out of the house is gone. I think she's going to start defogging and will see what she threw away. I think the time is going to come, when she'll want to recover the M. I don't think she should come home before that.

Having her out will allow GJM to stay in plan A easier if he decides to do that.
He won't be in the vortex of her drama.

To stay in plan A longer, he needs to stop keeping track of her exploits.

If she ever ends her waywardness (or even seriously realizes she should), he will know it by true deed and action and can invite her back then. If he gets to that juncture, he can resume his investigation into her activities.

I agree with not keeping track of what WW is doing. It's causing a lot of damage to me. There are a lot of mixed opinions here and I also get them myself. We all have wishful thinking. I agree that she should not come home until she is honest about everything and agrees to recovery. I believe that's going to be somewhere down the road if at all.

I had planned on going out last night, but I was lucky that my boys spent that night with me. I think it was a sign that I should continue the path that I'm on. I'm working on recovery and self happiness. I see WW a lot and get my opportunities to Plan A. It's hard at times because I just want to tell her how I feel. She already knows though. I keep hope and faith in my heart. I refuse to be destroyed. I feel like I'm doing the right things and will be blessed at some point. Whether its with my WW or something else in life. All I know is I'm in a storm and all storms pass at some point.

By George, I think he's got it!

Maybe....we'll see how it goes. So my W calls me because she doesn't have a current insurance card in her car. She got a ticket at the gate because she also didn't have a current decal on her windshield. She was upset and taking it out on me. I told her to take responsibility for once and stop blaming me for her problems. Then she kept on with the angry and I told her she was being immature. She of course hung up the phone. I waited a couple of hours and went to her apartment. I told her that I had no desire to argue with her and not to call me when she's angry or upset. I said I've been nothing but nice to her and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. She apologized and gave me a hug. Now we are at my place getting ready to have dinner and dessert. I'm hoping for some good Plan A time.

If you're doing Plan A, the conversation should have gone like this:


Plan D/FU, of course, would be the way you responded.

Just a little advice if you're doing Plan A.

PI, I don't argue that Plan A is easier with the WS in the house, but in this case, GJM is pretty close to the end of his Plan A and getting his WW to move back, only to have her need to move out again would be ridiculous.

GJM, the other posters have answered the questions about PB quite nicely. I will be in PB with my WH as long as he is still in contact with OW. THAT is my number one condition of my PB, NO CONTACT WITH OW. Until and unless that one condition is met, there will be NO direct communications between my WH and I. For life if need be.

It isn't easy to get into PB(and it seems BHs are even more reluctant than BWs) but once you are in it for a while, it really does wonders for you. I also believe that it helps you strengthen those conditions. After what you go through during Plan A and Plan B, you won't put up with too much from a WS.

Even though I did a slight F/U, I didn't do it angrily. I said it matter-of-factly. I showed her that although I am a nice guy, I have limits. It was good enough for an apology and a hug. I think some times people need to stand up for themselves. I needed to show her that yes, I'm still a man. I still deserve to be treated with common decency. The constant apologies sound redundant and I'm sure she gets tired of hearing them. If I was constantly taking the F/U approach, I can see where I would be wrong. I merely took a small stand and it payed off.

As far as PB goes, I'm not ready just yet. I need my MSA signed first. Once things are in writing, I'll feel more secure because I can't be threatened any longer and I'll have my documentation to protect my interests, which are my kids.

You don't need to make a disrespectful judgement (telling her she was acting immature) to stick up for yourself.

It takes practice to find love busters we never noticed before.

Luckily it seems it slid off her back since she hugged you.

Northwood nailed the places to improve while still being strong and masculine and true to yourself. Reworded to avoid disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, demands. Simply stating your willingness to discuss things with respect...both ways.

Don't get me wrong, I'd have said the same thing to her and don't blame you one bit for not taking any sh*t from her.

Just, if you're in Plan A, pointing out that she's immature isn't going to help. Deep down, she already knows she's wrong but sure as hell isn't going to tell you that. The idea is to not put up with any bs, tell her that you're not going to put up with it and then disengage before an argument starts. Once an argument starts, it just reinforces (to her) all of the reasons why you are wrong and she is right and justified in her actions.

Yes, it stinks.

I avoid arguments at all costs. I even stated that I had no desire to argue. I understand what you were telling me though. I just felt I needed to test the waters I guess. We didn't drag the conversation out. I said how I felt, she apologized and we moved on. It was nice.

It is just a journey of learning. Learning we are not perfect as marriage builders. Perfect as people and that we do the best we can at any juncture.

It is kind of enlightening as you go along and have "Aha!" moments.

Plan A is fun. Yes, it hurts to know our beloved is not protecting us. Lots hurts during it but it is also enjoyable watching ourselves be kind of cool people. You know? (Yes, you do).