Estrela,

I hand wrote almost this exact letter tailored to each of the 14 people/couples and sent them.

Didn't save my M or stop the A but something else wonderful happened that was unexpected.

Support from the most unlikely people and events happened.

I was unknowingly vilified and it opened the door to me opening my house to two couples to view the house I "tore apart" . They were told I had punched holes in the walls and the place wasn't fit for a dog to live in.

Took care of that mystery when they approached me about the letter and I let them walk through the house while I was outside. I told them before they went in they could open any door or go in any room they wanted. Nothing to hide.

Also and this was the surprise. OM's family did not know of the A. Apparently they decided my WW was not good enough to be part of their family and not welcome at gatherings. I found that so sad (sarcasm)boo hoo.

Never know who will support or how they will support. Maybe one of them can break through to your WH. Never know.

Your doing great with all thats going on. Gotcha on my prayer list.

nESRE

"Estrela my dear, you have been SO STRONG!! I am so proud of you! You are telling your husband that you are WORTH being treated well and will not settle for less. You are a strong, brave woman!"

Thanks, Mel. I feel like Harry Potter in the last movie, when he goes to the forest to let Voldermort kill him because it is the right thing to do.

WH did not come home last night...

Mel, Nesre - thanks for the advice. It seems exposure to friends has a great effect on him. I will try to find contact e-mails for close friends and family and work on sending e-mails letting them know what's going on.

WH came home now (8am). Like nothing happened.
I asked him when he is moving out as this is too painful. He told me when he finds a place.
He said "You are pushing me away, you know that, right?"

I know this is typical WW talk, but it hurts anyway.

Update: WH agreed to disclose the A, write a NC letter and go for counseling together...
I will post details later so I can get feedback...

I don't understand this. To WHOM is he going to disclose the A?

I suspect he is throwing you a bone so he doesn't have to move out. Please be careful before you allow him to stay.

Have you given him your requirements for recovery?

Hi Estrela, I thought your name sounded familiar.

Just to be clear, if he doesn't get on board with R immediately, and needs to move out, it's up to

YOU

when he goes.

Since he is committing adultery at his convenience, you decide when he moves out at your convenience. You decide when you go to Plan B, at your convenience.

You are the one in charge now, not him. You get to decide where the Familymobile goes, and when.

He got off at the last stop, and doesn't get any more say until he's on board again.

OK, so here it goes. I know this is just the beginning, but that's what happened today.
This morning, before work, WH told me everything of the A. When it started (Sept 2011), what they did, where he took OW, what he gave her, he answered all my questions and said he is ready to non-contact.
He has the NC letter and will send it to her by e-mail with me today after work. He agreed on not calling her by phone (I know... ). He told me that once OW receives letter (he will send exactly as it is written in the SAA), for sure OW will not want to talk to him again. (also, not sure about this one...)
He agreed to give me access to his computer and phone. Still, he can manage to hide things, I know the dangers.
He really does not want to move out/divorce/ so I think this was the big trigger for the change in attitude.
I told him we have a long way to go and that we will need to work together to repair the M. He understands and agreed to start counseling now, be transparent and stop A, no more going out by himself.
One of the sticky points will be travelling for work, but his new job won't require as much travel as he thought, so we need to work on that.
Yesterday, Steve Harley told me that if WH was ready, he could work with us on my requirements. He said the main things right now, before we could start the process, were full transparency, telling the truth about A and stopping A.
I know we have a long road, that talk is cheap, but I feel so relieved.
Not a good time to put guard down, I know it...

Then you'd better call Steve asap, because you want to strike while the iron is hot. If you let your WH stay in the house with no requirements, he's going to slide the second withdrawal from OW starts and you'll lose credibility as far as showing him that you mean what you say.

I'd suggest you start with:
-Delete his old email address.
-Change his cell phone number.
-Emailing the NC letter is okay, but I'd like to see him write it and then both of you mail it certified mail together.
-Delete Facebook if he has an account.
-Total transparency on what he's doing, where he's going, and who he's with when he's not with you.
-No nights apart - are you saying he's still travelling for his job? This needs to change.
-Be aware that most waywards will trickle out the details of the A a little bit at a time. Consider a polygraph so you can be sure you've gotten all the details you need.
I'd start there.

WH just sent the NC letter. I was next to him. OW's reply e-mail came in at the same time (because then he admitted to having called her and telling her it was over, that he decided to work with me to reubuild the M). OW was really mad at him for dumping her in a brief call (she said that). OW went on to badmouth WH (old, failure and decrepit were used), me (for always taking him back and being a bad example for the kids), and a lot of other really hurtful stuff. WH was so hurt, I almost felt bad for him. I could not really stop smiling. I guess this puts an end to it, right.
Now the work can begin...
Please let me know I am not deceiving myself again...

Your first order of business is to eliminate every means of contact between them that you can. Delete that email address and get his cell phone number changed. You can set up a new email account in less than 10 minutes. Same with cell phone numbers. If this is the first time his number has been changed, his cell phone provider probably won't even charge him. (Not that cost should be a factor, mind you.)

Is he going to counsel with Steve Harley? Becuase I would make that a condition.

Also, he should expose the affair to his family and your family. You can do that together. The more people who know, the more people to give you support and the more people to hold him accountable. He needs to sit down with your kids and apologize for being a bum to his wife and his family.

As far as the travel, that will have to CHANGE, Estrela!! He either takes you with him or he doens't go. I mean it. That will DOOM all your efforts. If that can't be arranged then he is going to have to find another job. DON'T YOU DARE SKIP THIS STEP!

You have been so brave and so strong, Estrela!! I am so proud of you!!

Estrela. I know you know this...but you need to really watch him. He still wants to do things HIS way while giving you the impression that he is doing it YOUR way.

He agrees to NC and then secretly calls OW to tell her NC. You have no idea how he worded it or the message he actually conveyed. He only admitted this contact because you caught him red handed. My FWH was the same way and this was very hard for him to break. Be ready to push the Plan B button if he is not serious.



Don't count on the OW giving up this easily. Close all the channels of communication and keep your eyes open for new channels.

You are clearly a very strong and intelligent woman. Mean what you say to WH and stand for no less.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice.
We still have a lot of work to do, I know. I need to keep my eyes open, cut communication avenues, continue checking his things, etc.
Also, I did not mention it before because it was not relevant during the A, now it is.
I am also prone to independent behavior so this is really something we need to work together.
Because of the kids, I became a very dedicated mother, but I have other interests (all very pure) that take a lot of my attention out of WH and M.
In a way, I almost like when he is doing things by himself, traveling for work, because it gives me freedom to do my stuff in peace. It is really pure, like meditating, reading, studying, etc., that seems not to have a place when he is around.
So we really need to work together on this because our lifestyle is dangerous to the M.
I am sure we can find a way, but it will require changes for both of us...
I think Steve Harley would be the best, so will make an appointment tomorrow. WH would need to join, right now he has no choice.
I have all the info on Plan B (including a place where I can send all his stuff) if I decide to. Hopefully, it won't be needed...

estrela-

I said it to you before, and I'll say it again. Your strength through all this has been amazing. What really boggles my mind is that so many anonymous people here can see it and your husband doesn't! Maybe he is now, but don't give in.

So proud of you estrela. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dang, she's good, isn't she? Another applause from me, Estrela

Good luck! Happy for the progress you made; I admire your commitment and fortitude.

Estrela, I am so glad that you stuck to your guns and your WH has seemed to get on board. Just need to keep him on board, and get him more firmly up there. Have you thought about doing the online course? I would have that as one of your conditions. Are you going to get a poly for him as well?

I am so happy for you hun, great job. Stay strong and keep that bar HIGH.

Thank you all! You guys are amazing!
It is a delicate period now, keeping the bar high (WH does try to pretend nothing has happened), and at the same time not letting the anger take over (I've been doing yoga to get the steam off).
I will keep on task with all my requirements, don't want to be in this position anymore. Looking forward to our counseling session, I think it might be easier to address requirements there...
Today I am making dinner for the family (my 2 stepkids are also coming) and I have a little speech prepared for when the family is together, addressing the situation. Will not sweep stuff under the rug!