Every second that you withhold the truth you dig the wound a little deeper, Goldi.

Mrs. W

Goldilocks,

I feel telling him would only mean putting what happened onto him too- why hurt him too?

Because good marriages are honest marriages, you can't have a good marriage and think of your betrayal every time you look at your husband for the next 20 years, or think of the OM every time you have sex with your H.

God Bless
Gamma

He is already hurt. My now XH had an affair in my home with my then 19 year old cousin (he was 37). They kept that dirty little secret for 7 years until they were CAUGHT by a keylogger talking about it to each other on line. I spent SEVEN years living with a liar. I knew something was very very wrong about their relationship (I had people telling me they had an affair but my then husband and my cousin denied it) for SEVEN years.

We will never know how I would have reacted if they had come clean when it first happened. My marriage might have survived. As it is, finding out SEVEN years later was just too much. Now my ds's family is split apart and my own family (the relatives that my cousin and I have in common) are devastated by her actions then and her LIES for 7 years.

Do the right thing. Even if he divorces you, at least you will have the dignity of doing the right thing by telling him.

I just watched the video, thank you for posting it. I wish I had watched it even last week.

Most likely a lack of honesty on your part led to the marital problems you were facing before the affair.

And with radical honesty, your affair never would have happened.

Now your solution is more dishonesty? That is not the MB way and we are here to tell you that your M will never make it.



The Policy of Radical Honesty

What did you LEARN?

I had tried to tell my hubby- over and over that I NEED more from him. He also has a part in what happened. He is sarcastic and disrespectful to me, no sense of humor. In my opinion he neglects me. I am trying to make our marriage better by telling him what I need...I need emotional support- he needs sex. He gets that!

I am so glad to hear that, Goldilocks.

You are in a very precarious position. You've set fire to the house. Now you've got a building (your marriage) that's going to go up in flames if you aren't very careful to put the fire out properly.

Do not at this point attempt to put out a grease fire by pouring water on it. That might seem to be the right thing to do, but if you know anything about fire safety, then you know that this instinct (feeling) will steer you wrong and mean disaster.

It's a lot like that. Your instincts may lead you to disaster (they have already put you on that road), which is why I strongly encourage you to follow Dr. Harley's advice. Even if it looks like the path may be painful. We will offer you all the support we can for that, but,

THE HOUSE IS BURNING!!!!

Now, here is the fire extinguisher, and it's going to be very important for you to read the full instructions in order to learn how to properly put out the fire:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I know this is a lot of reading, and I know time is limited, but you have got to do this if you want to have any hope. There are many pages there: coping with infidelity, unfaithful husband, unfaithful wife, can we forgive and forget, how to avoid an affair ... read them all. Even the parts that at first may not seem to apply to you, because there is still a lot of information in there that is going to be very helpful.

Come back with QUESTIONS about what you've read, and we can help you!

I also suggest you consider contacting Dr. Harley to talk to him personally on his radio show. He will offer help, he and his wife Joyce will continue to be available to help you after you call in, and they will send you a free copy of the book Surviving an Affair, which is going to be your guidebook for getting out of this.

We can help you get your husband motivated to fix the problem of neglect.

But we cannot do that while the house is burning.

The fire must be put out. You have lit the fire, and you are going to have to get it put out. Please start reading the fire extinguisher manual before saying much more.

And this wasn't any long term thing at all, we were together probably a total of three hours over two days.

I am also interested in hearing what you learned from watching Dr. Harley's video, Goldi. Once you finish telling us that, will you please answer my questions that I am quoting below?

Mrs. W

So are you saying you don't have a problem with honesty?

When is Dr. Harley on the radio??

Goldi, he cannot have had a part in something that he knew nothing about.

Did you copy him in on your online chats? Did you tell him that you were communicating with a man? Did you tell him that you were going to see him? Did you get his agreement to your going?

Your H had no knowledge of any of the things you did, so how can he have a part in it? Nobody can have a part in something they did not know about!

Read the BASIC CONCEPTS first.

Goldi,

Did you get tested for STDs?

God Bless
Gamma

No, he does not, Goldi.

He was not given input in YOUR CHOICE to commit adultery.

He did not hold a gun to your head and force you to commit adultery. You CHOSE to do that all by yourself.

His neglect did not force you to commit adultery -- that was your choice. Please own that, okay?

There are MANY people that are neglected in their marriages who do not choose to commit adultery.

Mrs. W

Following your feelings got you into bed with another woman's husband and turned you into an adulteress.

Welcome to MB.

The ONLY part your hubby has in all this is the condition of your marriage .. which is 50% his doing .. but YOU are 100% responsible for having an affair .. even if it was brief.

Tell him the TRUTH then tell him you know of a plan (the MB plan) to recover from this and make it impossible for it to happen again. Then let HIM decide if he wants to stay or not ... and recomend he come here for support. he needs to know .. and so does the OMW. But only YOU have the fire extinguisher to put this out ... By not telling him you will feel disconnected from your hubby fro the rest of your marriage.

The TRUTH will set you free.

MNG