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What do the initials stand for? WW? WS? OW? OM...etc. This is my first day here.
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There are a few men who are unreasonably jealous. Most, however, are good guys who sense a problem with their wife's boundaries (or lack of them) around other men, and are bothered by it, without having anything concrete to point to.
Chances are that you have been causing him pain with your lax boundaries for many years. What you perceived as unreasonable was almost certainly your BH sensing danger. And rightly so.
There just aren't any medals for who can go the most years before cheating.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I DO feel guilty, and I am sorry, and I KNOW it will never happen again. There is no way my hubby would find out unless I tell him. No one saw me with him...I was in another state! I know everyone thinks I should tell him, but doesn't anyone understand why I wouldn't want to??
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What do the initials stand for? WW? WS? OW? OM...etc. This is my first day here. Here's a list. *** LINK ***
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I DO feel guilty, and I am sorry, and I KNOW it will never happen again. There is no way my hubby would find out unless I tell him. No one saw me with him...I was in another state! I know everyone thinks I should tell him, but doesn't anyone understand why I wouldn't want to?? OM's wife just may discover this adultery one day .... and give your H a call.
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WW Wayward Wife WS Wayward Spouse OW Other Woman OM Other Man NC No Contact For a more exhaustive list, click here.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Of course we understand why you wouldn't want to tell...probably better than you do.
Right now, you're fogged out, selfish, entitled, and deep down blaming your BH (Betrayed Husband) for your adultery.
Thing is, some of us have been in your BH's shoes, others have been in your shoes. We have seen amazing stories of recovery. Some saved their marriages. Some did not, but recovered their honor and decency.
No truly happy ending has EVER included deceit.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Your thread has over 100 responses on day one. Help has been offered. Get some rest. Come back tomorrow. Read the BASIC CONCEPTS and HOW TO SURVIVE INFIDELITY. See the "Most Popular Links ~~~~~~~~~~> off to the right.
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I DO feel guilty, and I am sorry, and I KNOW it will never happen again. There is no way my hubby would find out unless I tell him. No one saw me with him...I was in another state! I know everyone thinks I should tell him, but doesn't anyone understand why I wouldn't want to?? 30 years of marriage and you berate your husband for his behavior when your behavior in 3 hours/two days trumps whatever he did. He deserves the truth. He didn't deserve to be cheated on..no matter what his behavior was.
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It won't happen- he only has my cell phone number! And I'm the only one who uses my phone...it's pre-paid with no monthly statements. My gosh, you guys make me feel horrible!
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My gosh, you guys make me feel horrible! I accept no responsibility for your feelings after you've committed adultery and then vow to become a committed lifetime liar.
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It won't happen- he only has my cell phone number! And I'm the only one who uses my phone...it's pre-paid with no monthly statements. This adultery phone needs to go. You need accountability.
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It won't happen- he only has my cell phone number! And I'm the only one who uses my phone...it's pre-paid with no monthly statements. My gosh, you guys make me feel horrible! What you did was horrible and not telling your husband is horrible... This goes beyond just saying it won't happen again..... You have a pre-paid phone that your husband doesn't know about That's a way to keep contact undetected You are in territory you know not of..let people help you who have been there.
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My husband does know about my phone, he has one of his own. That's why we are the only ones who use our own phones...I really didn't start out to be a cheat 
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Goldilocks, There is a very good chance your husband will find out from the other mans wife! I made the call and exposed my husbands affair to the unsuspecting husband...he mainly was furious about the lies, even more so than the act itself!Covering it up for so long most likely destroyed their marriage. Had she come clean, his forgiveness would come more readily.
Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)
He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11
Recovering MB Online!
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Goldilocks, it's actually worse than you think. Hear me out for a minute while I explain why.
And remember while you're reading that I'm not here to throw rocks at you either... See, I was actually a guy who got into an affair myself.
You said that you'd been in touch with the other man ("OM") every day since October. That means you can't pass this off as just a "mere" one-night (or 2-day) stand. Rather, you allowed yourself to get into a deep emotional affair beforehand. (Just like I did.) That's why it "hurts" (as you said) to not be in contact. You're in withdrawal. Like an addict.
In fact, affairs are exactly like addictions in terms of their brain-chemistry impact. That's why you didn't stop even when you knew it was wrong. That's why you felt a little thrill each time you got a text or an e-mail from him. That's why you chose to allow yourself to be played, as you put it. He never had a gun to your head at all. The only reason you got "played" is because you wanted to get played. You chose it. Own your choices, ma'am.
Now you're counting solely on your own willpower to break the addiction. Solely on your own, because you won't tell anyone who can help provide accountability -- including the 2 people whose knowledge of the affair would be most likely to help prevent it from resuming: The other man's wife, and your husband.
But we know exactly how strong your willpower is. I know. You know. And look where it got you. (And you haven't even changed your cellphone number. because you know that then, the other man cuoldn't call you ever.)
Moreover, aside from your need to shore up your boundaries so that you don't countenance an affair ever again, you obviously felt that you weren't getting needs met in your marriage. So, how's that going to change? How are you going to get your husband to work on the marriage -- that is, on your relationship with one another -- if he doesn't have an honest, true picture of where things stand?
Confessing to my wife (3 years ago tomorrow, in fact) was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But I had to do it. I knew that it would come out anyway, because the other woman's husband had found her out. What's your plan if your other man's wife is onto him? Say that maybe she calls your husband with some proof that neither you nor your other man even knows exists. What then? Trust me, you'll come off better with your husband if you go to him yourself with the truth, than if he hears about it from someone else. That'll put you in a better position to try to start building the kind of marriage that you wanted in the first place.
Notice, I'm not appealing to your sense of decency. You don't have any at the moment, or else you'd be off telling your husband what's up instead of pussyfooting around here. Instead, I'm appealing to your fears. You've got a marriage to lose. Potentially a great marriage. I live in my wife's forgiveness today. Be very afraid of what it feels like to live without forgiveness. Because if you don't tell your husband, you'll never get it from him. I know how rotten I feel TODAY, 3 years later, about my affair, even DESPITE having been forgiven for almost that long. Take it from me that you ought to be very afraid of living 3, or 33 more years, waking up every morning knowing that you've NOT been forgiven. Very afraid.
Three years ago, I feared I'd never be able to save my marriage. However, I was glad to have a chance to move out of the "pull" of the affair, and then glad that I quickly staked myself to some accountability (in the form of telling some friends, some leaders in my church, and getting into counseling with my wife ASAP, following the principles in a book called "Surviving An Affair.") This is the kind of stuff you need to be doing ASAP. Right now, you think it can't get any worse, but I'm here to tell you that it sure can, if you try to keep this swept-under-the-rug, and if you try to avoid the temptation of resuming your secret communication with the other man with no one to hold you accountable, and if you try to deceive yourself into thinking that you can rebuild a better marriage on a foundation of perpetual deceit.
The choice is yours.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Goldilocks,
I was in a similar position then yourself, in some ways, when I first stumbled upon MB.
I had been married for 20+ years and for all that time I had never really met my Ws needs, in fact your description of your desperation in your marriage could have been written by my W.
I too did not understand the need for complete honesty in a relationship until I reflected upon what makes most marriages fail, dishonesty, it was a common thread in almost all of the bad marriages I had seen in my lifetime.
What you may find upon confessing to your H is that he has confessions of his own that bear heavily upon him and that are also impediments to your marriage.
God Bless
Gamma
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I DO feel guilty, and I am sorry, and I KNOW it will never happen again. There is no way my hubby would find out unless I tell him. No one saw me with him...I was in another state! I know everyone thinks I should tell him, but doesn't anyone understand why I wouldn't want to?? Yes, because you are trying to cover your [censored] and want to trick him. We understand very well.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're right GloveOil. I have a lot to think about
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