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Good morning, Goldilocks. I hope you were able to get some rest.
Again I repeat my advice that before posting again on here you finish reading Dr. Harley's articles on infidelity and contact the radio show. I want you to understand the map out of here.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you Markos, I will. I have to get to work right now..
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I've read the information, I think I am still too emotional to tell him. Somewhere I saw that it takes a few weeks or more for that to get better. I think I need to wait until I feel more in control of myself. It's too much right now!!
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Are there ANY men here who wouldn't want to know if their wife was unfaithful?? You all would WANT to know????
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So you'll arrogate the right to withhold this information from him?
Who gives you the right?
That's not just a rhetorical question, Goldilocks. What's your answer? Who gives you the right?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Pepperband once said, "It's the lies that are the real poison arrows."
As a BS, I cannot tell you how true this is. All of the lies and deception hurt as much, if not more, than the actual affair. EVERY DAY you do not tell him is a lie and compounds the hurt and pain you will cause him.
Please tell him the truth. Today.
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I think I am still too emotional to tell him. As a BS, I gotta tell you, this sounds like a load of crap. If you tell your BH later down the road that this is the reason you withheld the truth from him, it is going to sound like crap to him as well... There is NO GOOD reason to withhold the truth from him. None.
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I've read the information, I think I am still too emotional to tell him. Somewhere I saw that it takes a few weeks or more for that to get better. I think I need to wait until I feel more in control of myself. It's too much right now!! No, it doesn't take a few weeks to tell him. These are just excuses to avoid doing the right thing. It will be emotional no matter when you tell him. But he will be more emotional - and more resentful - the longer you wait. Every day you don't tell him is another lie added to the mix. And of course betrayed spouses want to be told. No one wants to be lied to about their lives. You need to go tell him, Golilocks. Tell him today. Don't make this worse by putting it off.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are there ANY men here who wouldn't want to know if their wife was unfaithful?? You all would WANT to know????
Some of us have engaged in affairs. Good luck finding any one of us who'd wish to be kept in the dark, lied to, if the tables were turned on us one day.
All of us have survived affairs in one way or another, even if the marriages did not. And many of our marriages have survived and even prospered. You and your husband can, too. But without complete truth, your marriage will never be more than what it is now.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Are there ANY men here who wouldn't want to know if their wife was unfaithful?? You all would WANT to know???? That is like asking if people WANT to get an overdraft notice from the bank. Of course, no one WANTS to get such a notice, but they are grateful because not knowing would be even worse. Betrayed spouses are always upset, but they are grateful that they know the truth. As long as they know the truth they can work on the problem and make informed decisions. Many betrayed spouses do not choose to stay married to a cheater and they cannot take that option if they don't know the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are there ANY men here who wouldn't want to know if their wife was unfaithful?? You all would WANT to know???? Not only did I want to know, I wanted to know EVERYTHING. And I had that right, because what a WS gives away in adultery was not theirs to give. If the entire truth had not been given to me, I would not be here posting as a husband in a recovering marriage. I would be posting as a divorced father of 3. And, if you think your husband doesn't have suspicions about your behavior, you would be exactly wrong. Confess, confess fully, and do it now. You are wasting time that could be going towards your recovery.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I know it's an excuse, but I'm tired of being a taken for granted wife. Yes, it's an excuse. You know that, which is good. The problem is that you chose to have sex with another man. How do you think that solved the issue of your feeling like a 'taken for granted wife'? How did that 'fix' the problem? It didn't, did it. So eliminate this excuse. It's invalid.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Are there ANY men here who wouldn't want to know if their wife was unfaithful?? You all would WANT to know???? Stop trying to weasel out of doing what you know is right, Goldi. What the men on this site would want means nothing. If some guy in outer Mongolia told you he didn't want to know his wife was wallowing with another man, would you feel that gave you 'permission' to continue lying to your husband? Because that's what you're doing. You're lying to him, pretending to be the faithful wife when you are anything BUT that. You can change this. You can look in the mirror and see a (remorseful) faithful wife. I sense that you are a good person, or you wouldn't be here. But I also sense that you are selfish and spoiled, and will avoid anything that may not serve you in the short term. Time to grow up, Goldi.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I've read the information, I think I am still too emotional to tell him. Somewhere I saw that it takes a few weeks or more for that to get better. I think I need to wait until I feel more in control of myself. It's too much right now!! Oh, stop it. Your attempt at emotional fragility won't fly here. You're 'too emotional to tell him' = you're too selfish to tell him. I doubt that you saw anything that told you to wait 'a few weeks or more for that to get better.' How ridiculous. Are you trying to play us? Because that won't work here, just so you know.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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No, I just do not want to tell him. I'm sorry...maybe he deserves to know as you all put it. I will never do anything close to this again, and I will be a better wife to him...I'm sure that's wrong too...
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Good luck with that. When he divorces you for being a cheat and a liar, because he WILL find out... Too bad.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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No, I just do not want to tell him. I'm sorry...maybe he deserves to know as you all put it. I will never do anything close to this again, and I will be a better wife to him...I'm sure that's wrong too... No one here is going to support you in tricking your husband. That is the wrong thing to do and if that is your goal, you are in the wrong place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, I just do not want to tell him. I'm sorry...maybe he deserves to know as you all put it. I will never do anything close to this again, and I will be a better wife to him...I'm sure that's wrong too... There is an illness in the room because a wife chooses to ignore it. A little trickle truth about once every 5 years for over 30 years. The germs still live because the dosage of truth has never been fully given.
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If you are not here to save your marriage, then what did you need?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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