NG .... go to your room.

OR....try a different strategy yourself, NG. Go buy her a stunning pair of gemstone earrings, bring them home - tell her you HAD to buy them for her because they reminded you of her eyes the first time you kissed....

Trust me: you won't have to get out the bleach!!!

Sounds like a winner

Whats all this talk about SF anyways? Thats non negoitable isn't it? After the earrings...the guy has to put out.

That's right! LOL

Tomorrow is our 21st anniversary! I'm very excited about our celebration trip we have planned for next week!

Tomorrow we are going out to dinner, but it won't be a huge deal since we're doing the trip. We're also not exchanging gifts.

However...I would like to do something nice for H. I mean, guys always have the "card & flower" option. What do women have?! Well...I guess we always have "card & SF" but that's a given anyway, right? LOL

Anyway...I'd really like to think of something clever to do. Any thoughts?

Okay - no kidding around now.....

After dinner, find someplace and go dancing. Not a disco environment; someplace with a band playing romantic dance music, or even that Texas two-step stuff, when you hold (or at least touch) each other in time with the music.

Occasionally, for no reason, I'll put on my bride's favorite songs (no specific titles to be shared here - too private - but think Fred Astaire tunes) and twirl her around our kitchen. The affection is palpable.

Anyway, that's what I got. I'll now return to my normal insouciant persona.

(But I don't have pierced ears.....)

Hmmmm... that's a very romantic idea, NG!

Who knew?!!!

Who knew?!!!

The only person who really matters......

My husband went to the mic during a karaoke party and dedicated a Sinatra song to me.

The Way You Look Tonight


I will never forget this moment.
Mr Pep has a wonderful voice.

Love bank bigger than trillions.

LOL!!!!!

Well....that's something!!!

Awwwwww.....Pepper......that's just..... OMG......BEYOND the moon and back deposits!!!!!!

LOVE that song - and what a special moment for you!

My H has never been a traditional romantic, but he's learning. More importantly, he WANTS to learn.

The crooners rock. Get a connick cd or sinatra.. My fav is nat king cole.

So, what is it to be? Singing? or Dancing?

(And SDIT, if you revert to the Texan fallback of "go to the local stock-car track", we will NOT be happy!)

I was gonna suggest a monster truck rally, but now....

HA HA...Ya'll are just too funny!!!! Shoulda made it a trip to the shooting range and you'd have been closer to target!

Hee Hee...see what I did there! I'm just pure comedic genius, LOL

Actually....we had a bit of everything! Plus...a little bit of reminiscing didn't hurt. H even took the day off work. But... that was because we had a hard night with S16 last night. That really could have turned our anniversary into a nightmare (explain in a moment) but we didn't let it.

Long story short...S16 was upset about some things at school. When we were talking to him about it, S16 blurted out (among other things) that he didn't respect H because he cheated on me!

S16 is a VERY respectful young man. He had some triggers this week, I believe, about the whole ordeal because of a school assignment.

Anyway, H was very upset by what S16 said. At first I think he wanted to blame me because I told the kids about his affair. But, we were able to keep the A talk to a minimum and move past it.

Now - we are doing our "big" anniversary celebrating next week, on our trip, but we had a VERY nice day. NO guns, monster trucks, or stock cars!! LOL

Footnote: I DID learn how to shoot recently and it turns out this city girl from Florida is a GREAT shot!!!!

LOL.. You must be a Miami girl!

I have a secret I need to confess... I've always wanted to go to a monster truck rally.

That said, on a serious note, keep an eye out for triggers with the kids as recovery progresses. I did a horribly bad job recognizing them in my own kids as they tend to internalize. I was over 2 years into recovery before I started looking for their triggers and there was a lot I could do to have avoided them. They are hit with the affair just as hard, but different if that makes sense.

CV

I've actually been to a monster truck rally! LOL It was YEARS ago though - in Florida, not Texas. Go figure. And nope - not Miami - the opposite: Jacksonville.

For the most part it seems that the kids really don't want to talk about 2010 any longer. However, they obviously trigger too. My older son is one who always talks about what's bothering him, so I don't worry about him so much. The younger one, though, is a completely different story. He is as tight lipped as one can get. I'm going to take him to lunch today to see if I can make sure he's OK. Our daughter, being away at college, is kind of in between. She'll talk if she feels the need, but she tends to like just to forget about stuff that is unpleasant.

Jacksonville? well it all makes sense now!

I started doping this with the kids too. Get them alone and don't bring up the A itself, just how they are feeling about things. They have often brought the A up themselves after a bit of talking and wanted to discuss things.

My youngest is the one who wants to talk in depth the most. But you have to pry a bit. He gets triggered and starts to get angry.

Usually I ask "you ok? tell me what's going on" and after a bit of talking and a lot of listening, a door will open.

I talked with the kids about dealing with triggers. This seems to have helped too. What they are and how to recognize them.

They can keep Jacksonville now, CV! lol My parents are still there but I tell ya - it's not a place I'd want to live now! I shouldn't say that: I'm sure some areas are good - and some bad - just like anywhere else.

The thing I worry about most with the boys, esp. the youngest, is the respect thing. It's hard for a young man who looks up to his father so greatly (as S16 did) to see him fall from grace - and so hard! You can't truly undo that damage. You can grow from it and learn a lot of life lessons, but you can't ever go back to thinking of the man as near infallible. It's also easy to use that as an excuse for your own mistakes. (Which is somewhat what S16 did on Wed.)

It truly blindsided my husband while he was wayward that the kids felt so strongly against him. He felt so "right" at the time that he just knew they'd "understand" that he needed to get away from me... He felt I had to have lied to the kids about him to turn them so far against him. It wasn't the case. All 3 of the kids did not care about anything I had supposedly done to "make" him want to be unfaithful. (In my case, I had been quite depressed for a few years pre-A: causing LB's, etc...) In fact, they were even more upset because I had owned all my mistakes and was diligently seeking help for my depression and changed so much! What did H do during this? Sought out an affair while I was trying to save our family! That's the way they saw it, with or without my input.

Anyway... I thought the kids just wanted to put this behind them. But... there may be more lingering issues than I realized.

A thought has hit me tonight and I am struggling with how to deal with it. It isn't a trigger - but I am concerned (somewhat) about a mindset.

I mentioned the Wed. night blow up by S16. After he had stormed upstairs after all he had to say, H said something that is now weighing on my mind. The reason it is just hitting now is because at first, the focus was on S16 and making sure he was OK. Then, yesterday the focus was all positive because it was our anniversary, etc...

I don't want to make something out of nothing, so I need help in dealing with this: what to say, if anything, about it - or whether it's best to let it go.

The statement H made after S16 stormed upstairs was something like this: "If you said anything to the boys that you felt was true at the time but really wasn't, maybe you need to clarify that with them." I then said that I didn't know what he was referring to. He explained that he was talking about my telling the boys that "If he (H) *wanted* to be home, he would be..." (For anyone who doesn't know my original story, H actually bugged the house so he overheard conversations I had! Long story.)

I told him that all of the issues were cleared up with the boys a long time ago. I further stated that the kids were well aware that I told him he had to leave - and were in agreement - since he was involved in an affair. I added, "besides - S16 isn't saying he disrespects you for leaving, he stated he disrespects you for cheating. There's a difference." To which, H just sort of nodded.

Anyway, as the evening progressed and we tried to talk to S16, I can't say I noticed H really saying how sorry he was for what he did - or any of that - to S16. Oh, he made statements affirming S16's right to express his feelings - but honestly? I'm wondering if he is feeling that what S16 said was just an excuse to throw the attention of himself. You know, thinking S16 doesn't really feel that way.

To some degree, I can accept that. Most of the time S16 is FINE - MORE than fine with H and their relationship is very good. However, I think he was triggered...and we all know what happens in triggers: your mind goes right back to that ugly place.

Anyway, I'm pondering H's mindset. I can't help but wonder (due to the statements of Wed night) if he still justifies what he did rather than understanding how terribly wrong it was. You know, saying that *I* need to clear things up and such.

Then, as nature usually does - one thought led to another. Perhaps all the talk in the books about "anyone can cheat" and "it's because needs are not met or lovebusters are occurring in abundance" that he still views this as my fault. Now, I KNOW Dr. H does not excuse infidelity. But - one must admit, the reason his plan actually goes over well with FWS's is because the finger isn't just pointed at them, saying how bad they are. Not saying that's a bad thing, of course, because the program works. Right now it's just bugging me a bit that my H may be using that to ease his conscience about what he did. Moreover, making it just as much my fault, in his mind.

On that part I may be over-thinking it. But - I'm not crazy about the comments about his leaving and that being my deal. Oh - and he also said that "it affected how HE felt about the KIDS." Really??? OK...maybe that's being Open and Honest....but it's not very mature. (You'll all be glad to know that I did not react badly to that statement. I am here - right now - but I did not then.) Come on: he was an adult, they are teens....15, 17, and 19 at the time - and had discovered their father was cheating on their mother. They'd also seen for MONTHS that I had been making all kinds of positive changes while he worsened... And their reactions made HIM feel poorly towards THEM???? I mean - wow - it's something that he's willing to admit that. But...nothing in that statement said anything to the effect of "at that time."

SO: does he still feel poorly about them or does he excuse it away as that being MY fault because how I presented information to them? Either way - it is faulty thinking and does not show the mindset a recovered wayward should have - in my opinion.

How do I broach this subject? Obviously, it's all about "then" and "then" is supposed to stay in the past... But it bothers me because if he still has that mindset...what does that say about his ability to stay on the path of recovery?

We all worry that "they did it once - will they do it again" but we lay down the groundwork for better marriages, and entrust it to the process. Do I continue that without having my above fears clarified???

Hmmmm....