I see this is for survivors. I'm not a survivor, I'm a WH.

The OW and I met at work. We both had some issues going on in life and rather work them out we ran to each other. After a year or so we decided to take the high road and call it quits. I wrote OW a letter asking for no contact unless necessary (I see her at my job once in a while). She wrote me a letter asking the same. We both confessed to our spouses. I've seen her a few times a month then, we've talked a couple of times since (work related in a common area). Both of our supervisors were told about the affair but neither wanted to call us out in public.

I've changed the way I live. I gave my wife my passwords to everything so she can see what I'm going and who I'm talking to. I'm in such fear of doing anything wrong that I don't see myself getting involved in an affair again. We are going more activities together, which is something that was lacking before the affair. Since the affair ended and I came clean we've been more vocal about our needs. I was recently granted time out each week to so I can go out with my friends, guys that she's met and trusts. We usually walk down to the corner bar and have a few beers.

Something seems lacking, I feel like there is something more I should be doing. Any tips are welcome.

First off.....look for a new job which has zero contact with the OW.

That will help you, your wife heal and rebuild.

Hi Painfullesson, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am not clear what you mean by "calling out in public" however, recovery of your marriage will not be possible unless all contact ends. Staying in touch in with the OW misses the whole point. IT would be like an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and expecting to get sober. In your case, you have simply changed the name of your affair - "business contact" - and continue to go to the bar every day. Every time you see your OW it puts you back to day 1 of recovery. It keeps you in a perpetual state of withdrawal, making recovery of your marriage impossible.


I am confused by this. What do you mean "granted time out?" Aren't you a grown up? That makes it sound like you are a child who needs your mommy's permission? Going to the bar with your friends is not a good idea for your marriage because a) that is where many affairs begin and b) it is valuable time that could be better spent with your wife. Surely you are grown up enough to want to protect your marriage on your own without your mommy telling you what to do?

All in all, it doesn't sound like you have taken ownership of your own boundaries. You continue contact with the OW and go out to bars. How does that help your marriage?

I am working on it. I asked one of the staff who knows her schedule to let me know when she'll be around so I can be elsewhere. I've not seen her in 2 weeks.

But, we are working on moving. Last week I started scheduling workers to do stuff on my house so I can prepare it for sale. In a month we're going to another town to look at homes, I'm hoping to get a transfer there if all goes well.

The first month away from OW was the worst. I realized what a pedestal I had put her on. As I drifted away from her I realized that what I loved in her was sitting at home all along. We started off as friends and if I could turn back time we would have stayed friends.

Your house could take months to sell. What is your plan in the meantime? Have you considered renting your house until it sells? You can begin looking for homes now, online.

This doesn't sound iron-clad. You need to get out of that job. Have you been sending out resumes?

But that will not work. Just seeing her car in the parking lot is enough to trigger you. And when you are triggered, she will be close at hand. The point is to remove the triggers and the opportunity. That hasn't been done here.


Most of the affairs on this forum began as opposite sex friendships. As you have learned the hard way yourself.

But that will not work. Just seeing her car in the parking lot is enough to trigger you. And when you are triggered, she will be close at hand. The point is to remove the triggers and the opportunity. That hasn't been done here.

If I know she's going to be in one place I don't even go there. I think her car color/model are the most popular in the US. :\ There are 3 identical on my street alone. And yes, each one is a trigger even though I know it's not hers.

And the talks we've had relate to work and only on items that have to go to her. I'm trying to get one of the other people to deal with those for me but so far it's not happening.

Doing my best to move out of here ASAP. Also selling my car soon to buy something else. No memories tied to my car but it's due for a change anyway.

You should never spend any time alone with people of the opposite gender.
No breaks at work, lunch included, walks around the building to stretch your legs, coffee at the local coffee kiosk or shop.
Even chatting across cubicles can be problematic especially if there are not other workers in the vicinity.

It sucks, but it is what it is.

Time alone=emotional needs met=potential affair.

Your work place is a trigger as a whole to feeling not totally into your marriage. It is where you crossed boundaries on it.

Just the fact that you are discussing how to avoid her keeps her top of mind. And there will come a day when you won't avoid her. When an alcoholic sits in the bar long enough thinking about beer, temptation eventually collides with opportunity. You have the temptation and you have the opportunity.

Working in the same place keeps you in the fog and makes recovery of your marriage IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE. You can easily hook up with the OW each and every day. You have to remove the opportunity.

Replying to bliss:
Already looking. Market is really crappy here and I cannot afford to take a bath on it. 2nd week in Feb we'll be at the (hopefully) new town. I had wanted to move years ago (way before the affair).

I've sent out 2 dozen resumes. I have an odd career, nothing around here for me that I've ever seen (trust me, I've been looking). I wish I had a remedial job so I could go work at walmart or something but that isn't the case.

What if you lost your odd job
today?
If you were let go and had to find another one anew?
Think creatively to expand your choices.

There must be skills you have that are usable elsewhere if you can not find a position equivalent to the one you hold now.

By the way....you are the one who jeopardized your odd career when you had an affair. No one else is the bottom line there.

Painfullesson, are you married?

I just emailed my managers and requested an immediate xfer. If that doesn't happen, well, I'll guess I'll bag groceries. Or hand out advice online. My wife has a friend in the town we want to move to, maybe I can rent a room from them until we can all move. I'd hate to do that.

Yes, married.

Part of me feels attacked, part of me feels that you've struck a nerve. I have a lot of work to do.

Good man!

That was easier than I thought. Not sure I'll get it but I'll ask.

And the reminders are everywhere. That's the hard part. A damned car shouldn't be a reminder, but it is. I guess if the affair was PA only it would have been different. EA...these are not fun.

I wish I could get the word out to anyone else who has even considered an A - don't.

Yes, I agree. DON'T! Good luck!

Our intention is not to attack you. We're trying to get you on task and keep you there.

The recovery path is a narrow one. When new posters get here, they really don't see the necessity of disrupting their world by changing jobs or moving. What they miss is that their A has far-reaching ramifications that they never saw during the A.

Yes, leaving the job and moving are THAT necessary. My H tried the 'avoidance tactic' with the OW at his job. He couldn't make it stick. The addiction to the AP is too strong for a wayward to successfully work with them. It just doesn't work. We've seen it over and over on this site. We have no success stories of affair partners continuing to work at the same job without a resumption of the affair.

ok, I want to talk to you about this comment. And I am telling you this to help you, not bash you. I am on your side! You are a grown man and grown men do not need "permission" to do anything. However, grown men don't put their marriages at risk and going to bars with your friends is a risky practice and an invitation to an affair in even GOOD marriages. I would stop doing this. Bars are for single people and that is where they go to troll for pickups. Being with your wife would be a much better use of your time.

Asking her if you "can go out to the bar" puts her in an unfair position. She should feel very uneasy about that, but she doesn't want to be the bad guy so she goes along to get along. A better way to handle this is start taking accountability to protect your marriage and your wife from harm. Take extraordinary precautions to protect yourself from risky situations.

It would show her how much you care if you went to her and said "dear, I am going to take steps to protect you from this ever happening again because I love you so much." Then show her a list of extraordinary precautions. That would go a very long way in protecting HER. It would also deposit MASSIVE lovebank units and make it easier for her to forgive you and trust you again.

And we are not telling you to stay home and be miserable. If you stay with us here, we can make your marriage so desirable that you won't WANT to waste time with friends because it would mean being away from her.

I'd like to take a harder look at this, as well. PL, you sound like an alcoholic who has come off a bad drunk and swears to never drink again. They may believe that wholeheartedly - until the hangover wears off and that bottle starts looking pretty good to them.

That desire is commendable, but simple desire is not enough. You have to put EPs in place to ensure that another affair will not happen.

The first step in affair-proofing your marriage and recovering from an affair is to end all contact with your affair partner for life. Staying in a situation where you may bump into your affair partner occasionally will not work.

Also understand: you are behaving cruelly and thoughtlessly toward your wife by placing your job higher in importance than her and your marriage. You are forcing her to imagine, every day: "Will today be the day they meet and begin the affair again?" I can't imagine a spouse having to live like that.

I can take a hint.