Hi,
I am seeking help for my ex boyfriend and myself. Jan. 10,
2011 we started dating our relationship started out great. We were constantly
together hanging out not necessarily going out but even if it was quality time
spent in the house I was fine with that. A couple months into our relationship I
started noticing he had an anger problem at that point I was already involved
with him sexually so it was hard to back out by then. I continue on with our
relationship, but started noticing weird things going on like his phone would go
off a all hours of the night or he was very private with where he went, who he
was talking to through text or phone calls. He'd go out late at night and stay
out til 2-3 am but never would take me. Anytime I wanted to go he refused to let
me come so I would stay home waiting for him. One day I grew suspicious of his
phone and decided to look through it when he was in the shower. He had a lock on
it but I saw him one day put it in and just kept it in my mind, so when I logged
onto his phone I went through his text messages where I saw him texting numerous
girls talking to them about having sex and flirting with them. I confronted him
which turned into a very scary situation. He blew up and went into a rage. Our
trust from then on was broken. Somehow I put it past us. Probably because he did
reverse psychology on me and made me to be the bad guy for going through his
stuff. After that issue our relationship experienced more problems that we
somehow got through. He left his roommates house due to problems they were
having and Moved in with one of the girls he was texting inappropriate things
to. She liked him more than just a friend. Shed buy him things take him lunch
cook him breakfast and come over at all hours of the evening to give him
massages. I Felt like I Was competing with another girl for his attention. He
claims she was just a beat friend but it didn't make sense to me. But when he
and his roommate went through problems he decided to move out but was limited
with money due to not working so he moved in with that girl. I expressed my
feelings about it and basically he told me either I would learn to deal with it
or I could use the door. Another time he went out to the club and we got into an
argument earlier that day so he decided to tell me he was going out and finding
someone to have sex with. That next morning I get a text from him that stated he
took a girl home, but felt guilty and decided to take her home. I expressed
anger due to the fact he had thoughts about having sex with another girl and
going as far as taking a girl home with him. There are many more reasons to why
we had issues in our relationship. He was very mentally and at times physically
abusive towards me. He neglected me sexually and emotionally as well. He never
took my feelings into consideration. Everything i said was stupid and didn't
make any sense. He had such a hold on my mind I couldn't leave even if I wanted
to. I loved him and even though he treated me the way he did I thought I would
rather be miserable with him then miserable without him. So I stayed, 9 months
later we were still together and still having problems. He neglected me and
lived his own life. He never took me on dates, he never took me out with him, he
was going on vacations with his friends and leaving me behind even when I asked
to go, he never called or text me unless he wanted something, I was taking care
of his every needs the relationship was very one sided. It got to the point
where his anger controlled his life and he would black out when angry and turn
into a very violent person and unable to stop himself. He put me in danger
numerous times wether it was driving wreck less while I was in the car after we
got into an argument or throwing objects at me or even trying to chock me out. I
was scared for my life I asked him to get help on many occasions and told him
I'd go with him but he refused and said I was the problem not him. All I wanted
from him was to love me, make me apart of his life, make me feel important to
him, treat me like his princess all I got from the way he treated me was he
didn't care. After 9-10 months it got to where he left and moved 4 hrs away with
his friend. After he moved I never saw him he never called unless he was out
drunk. I became nonexistent to him. So I decided to leave and make a life of my
own. Once i left my ex boyfriend started freaking out. I agreed to meet him in a
public location where we talked he begged me to come back i refused and he went
psycho in the parking lot and cops were called by other people because he put
his hands on me. He stated he'd get help if I came back but by that time I had
enough with him. A month after things ended I met another guy who I started
dating I ended up having sex with him. Not too long after dating him I started
to feel feelings again for my ex. So I contacted him and we began talking again.
He was telling me how he met someone and was happy with her, but we both knew we
were miserable apart. So we were working on getting back together and were doing
great until he asked of I had sex with the guy I left him for. I lied at first
but felt very guilty so I decided to tell him the truth. After I told him I had
sex with the other guy he told me he couldn't do it anymore. He went back to
talking with the girl he was talking with before me and him started back talking
again. He told me on a few occasions they were going to get married. I went into
a depression knowing the guy I love is gone because of actions I've made. I
begged him to come back he refused. So I stopped communicating with him he
started back communicating once him and he broke up. He claims they never had
sex but he left her for the second time because he said he is still in love with
me. Yet he is still in love with me he still refuses to get back together,
because he's so hurt by me having sex with another guy. We weren't together at
the time it happened but he doesn't know how to cope with me going and having
sex with someone else so quickly. I explained to him it was a mistake I was just
so confused and hurt and thought I'd be happy with another man since I didn't
feel complete and happy with him. Right now were battling how to get him past
being angry and upset with me for what I've done to him when we were separated.
He doesn't feel that what hes done to me compares to me sleeping with another
man. He pushed me so far away the 10 months we were together. When he realized
he wanted to get help I feel like it was too late for me. But when I left I
realized that I wasn't complete and happy without him. I just wanted our
relationship back but not to go back to how it was before but to get back
together and get professional help. I've tried to talk with him and explain to
him we can get past everything we've been through but like I said he doesn't
know how to get past the pain of knowing I've been with another man. When I left
I learned just how much he means to me. I want him back in my life for us to get
help and fix the problems we had. Do you have any advice on what we should do to
help piece things back together. And any advice for him on how to forgive me? He
says his pride is taking over and he doesn't know how to let it go. But he
states he still loves me as apart of him wants to be with me but then another
part of him doesn't know how to or what to do. Please help us understand how to
get over or put behind us everything we've been through, so we can move on and
start a new life together. Today he finally agreed to going to counseling, but I
just need to find a great one in our area.
Thanks for your help,

Kj, sweetie, my advice to you is to run. Get out while you can. This man is not marriage material.

You're already considering going to counselling, and you're not even married. Does this not tell you what lies ahead for you?

KJ I would get on my knees and thank God you had a lucky escape from this guy.

What is it exactly that you love about him

1) is it the fact that he abused you mentally and physically?
2) is it that he cheated on you constantly?
3) is it that he uses you as a padding I between the other relationships that he has?

Seriously RUN as far as you can get from this man. Your not married and thank God you don't have any kids involved in this situation.

He does not love you and you nor does he care about you. Leave him alone and move on.

I know this isn't nice to hear but it's the truth.

Sorry your going through this but you can do much better no matter who you are you dont deserve this.

I guess I've stayed around, because I believe there is a good guy deep down there. He just needs help. He went to counseling the month I left and when I came back I saw a change in him. Am I being naive possibly yes, but I love him and no other guy makes me feel the way he does. I've gone on dates tried to move on but haven't been successful. He says he's never cheated on me. Do I believe him I think so, but during our relationship he's stated many times hes going to cheat on me, so I wouldn't put it past him. I don't know how to detach my feelings even if I wanted to. I know they say if your going to a counselor before you even get married that means its not a good sign. But he's my first and I like to hold on to hope that maybe counseling would help.

Kjkuk, this guy is not marriage material. You need to continue dating until you find someone who does a much better job of meeting your needs and who is GREAT marriage material. Don't waste your time on a bad candidate.

Sure, it will hurt at first, but it will hurt even more in the future if you end up in a bad marriage.

You have been handed a gift by finding out he was bad news before you got married. Please take that intel and make a better selection. There are much, much better choices out there.

Your feelings will fade with time. You can find someone who is a better match that you will have feelings just as strong. Find someone you love who is good marriage material. Keep looking!

KJ, gotta concur here with MBliss. Run like hell sweetheart, or you'll be back on this board sooner than you think.

To be completely (and brutally) honest, sounds to me like you BOTH have a lot a growing up to do.

Sorry to sound so mean but he beat you down and choked you when you didn't do anything wrong. What do you think he's going to do now he thinks you cheated on him? Do you really expect the violence to go away or get better?

You don't need dates to move on you need to work on your self worth, you have been treated so badly by this man that you need to have some time to recover and heal first before you can see that there are men who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

No one who truly cares about you would ever encourage you to restart this relationship.

People don't get married, knowing they have to cure their spouse. That's not your job.

There is a guy out there. You just don't know his name yet.

End this toxic relationship, sweetie.

If I may add, read through the boards and see what married people are going through. A lot of them have children and many years with their spouse. You've already started out in a bad way. Imagine what you'll go through once you're married. You're not obligated to this man in any way. It hurts of course, but being abused is no way to start a life together. No one deserves that and I'm sure reading other people's stories on here might be an eye opener for you. Work on you and find personal happiness or you will be back here wondering how you got in this mess.

MBers do not 'believe' they verify. They especially do not disbelieve the evidence of their own eyes as you are trying to do.



No you didnt. People are not what they SAY, they are what they DO. No amount of 'I love you' and 'its your fault' changes what he has done to you - repeatedly. What he does is make you feel bad, unloved and in constant despair - and he likes keeping you in a position of feeling guilty and like you cant ask anything of him. That is so he can have uncommitted sex with you - and everyone else he wants to.



For heavens sake girl. You have seen evidence on his phone of cheating. And you have evidence of him trying to control you with the THREAT of cheating! Run. Fast. And Far.



Change your number.
Change your email/block him on email
Block him on facebook/network sites
Throw away anything he ever gave you.
Steel yourself to prepare for him calling round in person - pledge to either not answer or stay somewhere else for a while.
Any notes through door, throw away unread
Any messages from third parties - refuse to hear them.

This method got me over my 'first' my husband of ten years who i loved deeply. If I can do it, so can you.

The first three weeks will be painful, that is the worst of the withdrawal period. Then cary on doing it forever - into your new free and happy life.



Counseling is not a magic buillet that makes bad people good. He doesnt want to be good - he has everything he wants being the way he is - lots of girls and you scared of upsetting him.

Holding on to hope - heres a more realistic hope for you. The next guy will definitely be MUCH better. He could hardly be worse.

Why not check out Dr Harleys lovebank model - this model explains how we fall in love and what to look for when we do.

You are simply holding on to the memories of the false impression he gave you in the beginning - so stop, please.

I am getting into counseling soon for just myself. I use to go due to the past with my family, but stopped once I thought I was doing better. Maybe going again will help me regain self respect and self worth to where I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation such as that one again. It does scare me when I think about if we were to get married and still have these issues happening itd be extremely hard and depressing for me to go through a divorce rather then go through a break up because I'd be deeper in love with him then than I am now.

How old are you, Kj? I think you have many, many years ahead of you. Demand excellence in your life and the lives of your future children. Your deserve it.

Before he calls it quits????

Sounds like you should have called it quits before now. Sorry but he is bad news.

Kjkuk, But you have to BEHAVE in a way that is respectable before you have self respect. It is not the other way around. You will find that making better choices will help you regain your self respect.

For example, beating you up is an automatic deal breaker when selecting marriage partners. This guy is not suitable and should be completely cut off your list. Making sound decisions like that will greatly help your self respect.

You have to EARN self respect by behaving in ways that you respect.

It's been about 3-4 months and I've tried to move on but have been unsuccessful. When I left the first time I changed everything from him, but when I realized how much I missed him and felt incomplete I recontacted him through email. I definitely agree it would be a more difficult situation to get out of if there were kids and a marriage involved. I wanted to seek help to fugue out what to do. It's still very hard for me to deal with but I'm trying. I don't want you all giving advice to think your beating a dead horse. I am taking in everything that is being said, but I do admit I am still in love with him despite everything we've gone through. Like I previously said once I go to counseling maybe I'll remember my self worth and not want to put myself in a dangerous situation such as this one again. I can only hope. Do you not believe someone can change trough counseling? When he went to counseling and got help it was when he was talking to the girl he told me he was going to marry. He was always with her always taking her to dinner movies with him and his friends which he never did with me she even talked with his mother. I dated him for almost a year and never had a Convo with her granted she speaks little English and his family lives in France but being together a year you'd think he'd take me to meet his family. But I did see the change he made but since he has hatred towards me for dating another guy so soon after me and him broke up I don't know if he'll ever have respect for me and if he does when he would regain respect for me. I can see him probably holding this above my head forever. He forgets that the reason I left was because of how badly he treated me. Instead he blames me for the situation were in right now. Which is us both still in love with each other but him unsure as if he wants to work things out because I had relations with another man when we were broken up.

You will miss him at first but that will go away as time passes. You just need to stick to it and remind yourself of how destructive he is.

Find a more suitable boyfriend. Dr Harley suggests dating at least 30 people to find the one who does the best job of meeting your needs. Choose the one who does the BEST JOB and is the most suitable match.

You CAN find someone whom you love even more than this boyfriend who will not beat you up. But you can't do that if you are wasting time with this guy.

Check out this article:


Choosing the Right One to Marry

You're allowed to do that. You ARE NOT MARRIED TO HIM. You are DATING.
True commitment comes with marriage. You are not married.

Run and don't look back sweetie. It will hurt temporarily, but such a better alternative than a lifetime of pain. You can do it!