1. Sharing Common Interests.
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."
"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."
"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."
"We both loved horses, and started riding together."
"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."
"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"
2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."
"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."
"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.
"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."
3. Meeting emotional needs.
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."
"She was there when I needed her."
"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."
"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."
"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."
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Think about this for a moment.
A long marriage involves one hell-of-a-lot of emotional needs by both spouses.
Who is capable of meeting all their spouses needs 100% all the time over the course of a long marriage?
Answer:No one.
No one I've met.
Look at "step 2".
Making that comparison.
Allowing yourself to harbor usually unspoken complaints about your spouse.
Making up complaints about your spouse based on the other person (not yet affair partner) meeting THAT ONE NEED better than your spouse.
Remember, your spouse may have met that need BETTER THAN the other person at one time. But, sometimes, life gets busy/complicated/rushed, and people get complacent.
Remember that your spouse may be doing just fine on all but one EN, and making that comparison to the OP sinks your esteem of your spouse low enough to justify an affair.
Nothing is MORE IMPORTANT in that list of 15 steps than the first 3.
Why?
Because they appear so innocuous. So innocent. So "OK". So "We're just friends."
Right?
What decent man or woman would skip the first 3 steps and jump right away to to steps 4 and 5?
4. Looking forward to being together.
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."
"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."
"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."
"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."
"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."
5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."
"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."
"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."
"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."
Once a wayward has progressed to step 5, their spouse could fill every EN perfectly, and I have my doubts that alone would stop the affair.
Once he/she starts to tell lies and starts sneaking around .... the wayward's character has been compromised.
It did not "just happen".
There are baby steps to hell that are taken even if there is no gross EN deficit overall.
I hope this helps.
