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Fresh air looks good on you ! 
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It is a delicate period now, keeping the bar high (WH does try to pretend nothing has happened), and at the same time not letting the anger take over (I've been doing yoga to get the steam off).
I will keep on task with all my requirements, don't want to be in this position anymore. Looking forward to our counseling session, I think it might be easier to address requirements there... Estrela, keep in mind that he won't counsel you together so these conditions need to come FROM YOU. When you speak to Steve, you can tell him your conditions and he can emphasize them with your husband. But these conditions have to come FROM YOU. Otherwise, your H can dismiss them if they come from Steve. Take ownership of the conditions and make him agree. Don't let up now while you have an advantage and he sees you are serious.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Tomorrow we will have our first counseling session with Steve Harley.
Hopefully.
WH already cancelled twice due to work.
Anyway, I spoke with Steve and it was really helpful. He helped clear my mind from stuff that keeps circling round and round in my head. Get a Plan.
I am just so full of doubts.
Basically my doubt is if WH has what it takes to make this M work.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Well, he has had a lot of affairs. Make sure you let Steve know how many you know about. Steve needs to get him to set his EPs to an extraordinary level.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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We had our session with Steve today. He spoke with WH first, and then at the end with me. Gave him some "homework" to do.
At first, all looked promising. Then, he told me about this trip to Israel for work (I knew about it already) and when I start discussing it, he freaked out, and told me I cannot interfere on his business, I am making his life miserable, and maybe it is better if we D. (in a nutshell).
I am trying to keep it together. Calm down, so I do not make decisions with a hot head.
We will have another session next week.
Maybe better to wait till then to talk things over?
Or maybe just call it quits?
In no condition to make decisions...
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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I am trying to keep it together. Calm down, so I do not make decisions with a hot head.
We will have another session next week.
Maybe better to wait till then to talk things over?
Or maybe just call it quits?
In no condition to make decisions... estrela, I am sorry this is happening. One thing I have learned is to never make life altering decisions based on heated emotions. Were his trips discussed in your session?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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He is freaking out because he planned to hook up with OW on that trip. That simple, nothing more, nothing less. WS's don't tend to do well when their two worlds threaten to collide.
Stick with YOUR plan, Plan A then Plan B. Understand that he is in an active A right now, and this is textbook for how he will behave.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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If he doesn't show that he is serious about recovery, what are going to do? Devise a plan.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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We had our session with Steve today. He spoke with WH first, and then at the end with me. Gave him some "homework" to do.
At first, all looked promising. Then, he told me about this trip to Israel for work (I knew about it already) and when I start discussing it, he freaked out, and told me I cannot interfere on his business, I am making his life miserable, and maybe it is better if we D. (in a nutshell).
I am trying to keep it together. Calm down, so I do not make decisions with a hot head.
We will have another session next week.
Maybe better to wait till then to talk things over?
Or maybe just call it quits?
In no condition to make decisions... Your decision should be to stick to MB plans. MB plans keep your options open for later when you are less emotional
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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He is freaking out because he planned to hook up with OW on that trip. That simple, nothing more, nothing less. WS's don't tend to do well when their two worlds threaten to collide.
Stick with YOUR plan, Plan A then Plan B. Understand that he is in an active A right now, and this is textbook for how he will behave. I agree. If he didn't care he wouldn't have reacted so violently.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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At first, all looked promising. Then, he told me about this trip to Israel for work (I knew about it already) and when I start discussing it, he freaked out, and told me I cannot interfere on his business, I am making his life miserable, and maybe it is better if we D. (in a nutshell). Estrela, this is something that is on your list of extraordinary precautions. It is not negotiable. So go calmly tell him that spending the night apart is not an option if he wants to stay married to you. This was on the list of conditions I gave you! Tell him you can go with him, he can cancel or he can move out. But what he can't do is hold you in a marriage where you are not protected.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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At first, all looked promising. Then, he told me about this trip to Israel for work (I knew about it already) and when I start discussing it, he freaked out, and told me I cannot interfere on his business, I am making his life miserable, and maybe it is better if we D. (in a nutshell). Estrela, this is something that is on your list of extraordinary precautions. It is not negotiable. So go calmly tell him that spending the night apart is not an option if he wants to stay married to you. This was on the list of conditions I gave you! Tell him you can go with him, he can cancel or he can move out. But what he can't do is hold you in a marriage where you are not protected. Yep, do THIS.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Yeah, you guys were right on target.
He had that violent reaction because he still in active A.
Unfortunately I got the confirmation today.
I do not think he was taking OW in the trip, but he did not like my "controlling behavior" and tried to make me back off. And today I understood why.
He left this afternoon at 2pm and said he would visit his son. He came back 2 hours later with a poor story about how they missed each other.
So... I called the son, he confirmed they were not supposed to meet.
He's lying again and still in touch with OW.
I called her. She did not pick up. I left a message saying she will having her 15mn of fame testifying in court about the adultery in front of friends & family. She called WH complaining about the call.
He said I need to be patient if I want to stay with him.
So back to Plan A, until Plan B is in place... again.
Last edited by estrela; 01/14/12 10:41 PM.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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He said I need to be patient if I want to stay with him.
So back to Plan A, until Plan B is in place... again. estrela, I am so sorry.  I did doubt his "sudden" about face change. So, has he moved out? In order to go into Plan B, he has to move out and you have to be prepared to keep him out until he meets all the conditions you line out in a Plan B letter. As of now, he still does not believe you are serious. I would pack his bags, change the locks and send him a Plan B letter. Here are instructions on how to go into Plan B, please read carefully! http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He said I need to be patient if I want to stay with him.
So back to Plan A, until Plan B is in place... again. Hugs to you estrela, I have been following your thread and am sorry your WH is still neck deep in the affair. And YOU should be patient with HIM if you want him to stay??? The mind boggles at the sense of entitlement. He should be on his knees begging for another chance. Grrr. Time to move into Plan B as soon as you can. He clearly doesn't have any boundaries. Time to show him you do.
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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I am making his life miserable, and maybe it is better if we D. (in a nutshell)... These sort of statements shoul be greeted with a 'Yes WH - you will end up divorced unless you can give me a safe marriage. Then shake your head sorrowfully. In no condition to make decisions... No you are not - just like the rest of us were not. Fortunately following the MB plan leaves the onus on him to commit or get out. ust follow your plans. They will encourage him to get on board and keep your heart an mind safe from abuse. The plans call for you to get into Plan B ASAP. Follow the link in my sig to prepare. Preparation can take a couple of days. So remember to work the stick of Plan A in the meantime and remind him that you are perfectly fine with divorcing an unrepentant cheater. It is up to him to prove he will change. Say you can only have a loving marriage if he provides you with proof you are safe.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Get him out of the house, and prepare for Plan B. Plenty of time to make long-term life-altering decisions once you've had some time to rest and be at peace.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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From a six-month Plan Ber let me assure you Plan B is amazing for settling you heart and mind right back into sanity. All those crazy roller coaster emotions slow right down and you actually have ENERGY again!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Get him out of the house, and prepare for Plan B. Plenty of time to make long-term life-altering decisions once you've had some time to rest and be at peace. YEP....and...... From a six-month Plan Ber let me assure you Plan B is amazing for settling you heart and mind right back into sanity. All those crazy roller coaster emotions slow right down and you actually have ENERGY again! YEP. Sorry Estrela.  False recoveries are worse than the initial betrayal, and ML is right, your WH doesn't take you seriously.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I know, he does not take me serious, but he will.
I am back at telling him "I love you and want to work on rebuilding our marriage... when you are serious about it. Right now, I need you to get out of the house as soon as possible, in the next couple of days."
I got a big box from the garage for his shoes (he is the one who likes shoes in our household). He looked surprised. I kept giving him the same message yesterday and today.
Now he is making comments to make me feel guilty but I am not falling for that anymore. He can choose and that's what he is choosing.
I will keep the pressure up.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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